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Saved by God
There was this very religious man who lived in a house down in a valley. It
had been raining for days - a real torrential down pour to say the least.
This excessive rain proved to be too much for a nearby hydro-electric dam
and it finally burst under the pressure and flooded the valley. This man
was standing on his front porch knee deep in water holding his Bible and
praying when two men in a rowboat came by and said, "Come on buddy get in
the boat and we'll get you out of here to dry ground!" to which the
religious man replied, "No, you go on. I'll be alright. I'm trusting in the
Lord to deliver me from this flood." The men in the rowboat could not
convince him to go with them, so they left. A short time later the flood
waters had risen so high that the religious man had to climb up on his
roof, and even though he was on the roof the water level was rising so
rapidly that he was standing in water up to his chest still holding his
Bible and praying. Just then two men in a motor-launch came by and cried
out,
"Hey mister, get in the boat with us and we'll get you out of here" to
which the religious man replied, "No, you go on ahead, I'm trusting in the
Lord to deliver me from this flood." The men could not convince him to go
with them so they left.
A little while later, the flood waters had risen so high, so fast that the
man had to climb up and stand on the top of his chimney, still holding his
somewhat soggy Bible and praying when a search and rescue team showed up in
a helicopter. They lowered a rope-ladder to the religious man and hollered
down to him over a loud speaker, "Remain calm, grab hold of the ladder and
we'll pull you up and out of there" - to which the religious man responded,
"Thank you but no, I am trusting in the Lord and He alone shall deliver me
from this flood."
The search and rescue team could not convince this man to go with them and
eventually they had to leave. A short time later the waters had risen to
such a degree that the religious man was completely submerged and he
drowned. God's angels came and escorted him to Heaven where, upon seeing
Jesus said to him, "Lord, I don't understand! All my life I have devoted to
you. I have tried my best to live as a good Christian should. I prayed to
you fervently to deliver me from the flood. Why did you forsake me? Why
didn't you answer my prayers?" To which the Lord responded, "Look, I sent
you two boats and a helicopter. What more did you want me to do?"
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Running Red Lights
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car, both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red but they just went on through.
The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself, "I must be losing my mind, I swear we just went through a red light."
After a few more minutes they came to another intersection and the light was red again, and again they went right
through. This time the woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red, but was really concerned that she was mistaken.
She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention to the road and the next intersection to see what
was going on.
At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red and they went right through. She turned to
woman driving and said, "Mildred! Did you know we just ran through three red lights in a row! You could have killed us!"
Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh, am I driving?"
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A Lesson in High Finance
A rumpled man walks into a bank in New York City and
asks for the loan officer. He says he is going to
Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow
$5,000.
The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of
security for such a loan. So the man -- clearly an
eccentric -- hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce
parked on the street in front of the bank. Everything
checks out, and the bank agrees to accept the car as
collateral for the loan. An employee drives the Rolls
into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.
Two weeks later, the man returns, repays the $5,000 and
the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer
says, "We are very happy to have had your business, and
this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are
a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you
out and found that you are a multi-millionaire. What
puzzles us is why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"
The man replies, "Where else in New York can I park my
car for two weeks for 15 bucks?"
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Loch Ness Monster and the Atheist
An atheist was spending a quiet day fishing when suddenly his boat was attacked by the Loch Ness Monster. In one easy flip, the beast tossed him and his boat at least a hundred feet into the air. It then opened it's mouth waiting below to swallow them both.
As the man sailed head over heels and started to fall towards the open jaws of the ferocious beast he cried out, "Oh, my God! Help me!"
Suddenly, the scene froze in place and as the atheist hung in midair a booming voice came out of the clouds and said, "I thought you didn't believe in Me!"
"God, come on, give me a break!" the man pleaded, "Just seconds ago I didn't believe in the Loch Ness Monster either!"
"Well," said God, "now that you are a believer, you must understand that I won't work miracles to snatch you from certain death in the jaws of the monster, but I can change hearts. What would you have me do?"
The atheist thinks for a minute then says, "God, please have the Loch Ness Monster believe in You also.
"God replies, "So be it."
The scene starts in motion again with the atheist falling towards the ravenous jaws of the monster. The Loch Ness Monster folds his claws together and says, "Lord, bless this food You have so graciously provided . . ."
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Service with a Smile
A man wrote a letter to a small hotel in a Midwest town he planned to visit on his vacation. He wrote:
I would very much like to bring my dog with me. He is well-groomed and very well behaved. Would you be willing to permit me to keep him in my room with me at night?
An immediate reply came from the hotel owner, who said, I've been operating this hotel for many years. In all that time, I've never had a dog steal towels, bedclothes or silverware or pictures off the walls.
I've never had to evict a dog in the middle of the night for being drunk and disorderly. And I've never had a dog run out on a hotel bill. Yes, indeed, your dog is welcome at my hotel. And, if your dog will vouch for you, you're welcome to stay here, too.
By Karl Alabrecht and Ron Zenke
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How to Make the Right Decisions
The other day I had the opportunity to drop by my department head's office. He's a friendly guy and on the rare opportunities that I have to pay him a visit, we have had enjoyable conversations. While I was in his office yesterday I asked him "Sir, What is the secret of your success?"
He said "two words"
"And, Sir, what are they?"
"Right decisions."
"But how do you make right decisions?"
"One word." he responded.
"And, sir, What is that?"
"Experience."
"And how do you get Experience?"
"Two words"
"And, Sir, what are they?"
"Wrong decisions"
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The Boss' Recommendation
It seems that a supervisor was asked for a recommendation regarding one of
his employees. He answered with two letters.
The first:
1 Bob Smith, my assistant photographer, can always be found
2 hard at work in the studio. Bob works independently, without
3 wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never
4 thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always
5 finishes given assignments on time. Often he takes extended
6 measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee
7 breaks. Bob is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no
8 vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound
9 knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be
10 classed as a high-calibre employee, the type which cannot be
11 dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Bob be
12 promoted to executive management, and suggest a proposal be
13 executed as soon as possible.
He then followed with a second letter:
That idiot was standing over my shoulder while I wrote the report sent
to you earlier today. Kindly reread only the odd numbered lines.
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Ashes to Ashes, Dust to Dust
After church, Johnny tells his parents he has to go and talk to the minister right away. They agree and the pastor greets the family.
"Pastor," Johnny says, "I heard you say today that our bodies came from the dust."
"That's right, Johnny, I did."
"And I heard you say that when we die, our bodies go back to dust."
"Yes, I'm glad you were listening. Why do you ask?"
"Well you better come over to our house right away and look under my bed 'cause there's someone either comin' or goin'!"
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Why God Created Eve
10. God was worried that Adam would frequently become lost in the Garden.
9. God knew that one day Adam would require someone to locate and hand him the remote.
8. God knew Adam would never go out and buy himself a new fig leaf when his wore out and would therefore need Eve to buy one for him.
7. God knew Adam would never be able to make a doctor's, dentist, or haircut appointment for himself.
6. God knew Adam would never remember which night to put the garbage on the curb.
5. God knew if the world was to be populated, men would never be able to
handle the pain and discomfort of childbearing.
4. As the Keeper of the Garden, Adam would never remember where he left his tools.
3. Apparently, Adam needed someone to blame his troubles on when God caught him hiding in the garden.
2. As the Bible says, It is not good for man to be alone!
And finally, the Number 1 reason why God created Eve...
1. When God finished the creation of Adam, He stepped back, scratched his head, and said, "I can do better than that."
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Unusual Memorial
A newly appointed young preacher was contacted by the local funeral director to
hold a graveside service at a small country cemetery.
There was to be no funeral, just the committal, because the deceased had
no family or friends left. The young pastor started early to the cemetery,
but soon lost his way.
After making several wrong turns, he finally arrived a half-hour late. The
hearse was no where in sight, and the workman were relaxing under a nearby
tree, eating their lunch. The pastor went to the open grave and found that
the vault lid was already in place. He took out his book and read theservice.
As he returned to his car, he overheard one of the workman say, "Maybe we'd
better tell him that's a septic tank."
After the church service, a little boy told the pastor: "When I grow up, I'm
going to give you some money."
"Well, thank you," the pastor replied, "but
why?"
"Because my daddy says you're one of the poorest preachers we've ever had."
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Who Are You?
A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, "I'm Mr. Sugarbrown's
daughter."
Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, "I'm Jane Sugarbrown."
The Pastor spoke to her in Sunday School, and said, "Aren't you Mr. Sugarbrown's
daughter?"
She replied, "I thought I was, but mother says I'm not."
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Do You Live Here?
Father Delany was walking home after his sermon late one night when he came upon
this intoxicated tramp on the sidewalk. Wanting to help, he asked the man, "Do
you live here?"
"Yesh," the man slowly replied.
"Would you like me to help you upstairs?" the father asked.
"Yesh," the man slowly sputtered.
When they got up on the second floor he asked, "Is this your floor?"
"Yesh," again the man replied.
Then Father Delany got to thinking that maybe he didn't want to face the man's
irate wife because she may think he was the one who got the man drunk. So, he
opened the first door he came to and shoved him through it, then went back
downstairs.
But lo and behold when he went back outside, there was another Tramp lying on
the sidewalk. So he asked that man "Do you live here?"
"Yesh."
"Would you like me to help you upstairs?"
"Yesh."
So he did and put him in the same door with the first Tramp. Then went back
downstairs, where, to his surprise, there was another tramp.
So he started over to him. But before he got to him, the tramp staggered over to
a policeman and cried, "For God's sake, offisher, protect me from
thish man. He'sh been doing nothing all night long but takin' me upstairsh and
throwing me down the elevator shaft!"
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Advice for a Blizzard
It was snowing heavily and blowing to the
point that visibility was almost zero when the new secretary
got off work. She made her
way to her car and wondered how she was
going to make it home. She sat
in her car while it warmed up and thought
about her situation. She
finally remembered her daddy's advice that if
she ever got caught in a blizzard, she should wait until a plow came
by and follow it. That way she would not get stuck in a
drift.
This made her feel much better, and soon a
plow went by and she started to follow it.
As she followed the snow plow she was
feeling very smug as they continued and she was not having any
problem with the blizzard conditions.
After quite some time
had passed she was somewhat surprise when the snow plow stopped and the
driver got out and came back to her car and signaled for her to roll down
her
window.
The snow plow driver
wanted to know if she was all right as she
had been following him for a long time. She said that she was
fine and told him of her daddy's advice to follow a snow plow when
caught in a blizzard.
The driver replied that it was OK with him and she could
continue if she wanted but he was done with the WalMart
parking lot and was going over to K-Mart next.
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Stupid Question
A Cardiologist came up with a new operating procedure that would cut down the time that heart surgery would take and would cause less trauma to the patient. He was praised by his peers when he presented it at a convention in Washington D.C. He was also paid $50,000 to present his find. He did a couple more of these presentations and realized that it would be more lucrative to do lectures on his find than to work as a surgeon. So he decided to do the lectures full-time. He hired a driver and purchased a limousine.
One day, after he'd been doing the lecture circuit for about 6 months, his driver turns to him and says, "You know.... This is completely unfair."
"What do you mean?" asks the surgeon.
"Well, you get paid $50,000 every time you do this lecture and that's more than I get paid in a year," replies the driver.
The surgeon explains to him that it is a very complicated procedure and that he is the only person that can give this lecture.
"That's not true. I can do your lecture blindfolded. I have seen you do your lecture so many times that I know it by heart," says the driver.
"Well if that's the case, I'll tell you what. You do this lecture and you can keep the $50,000 if you do it right." replies the surgeon.
The driver replies, "Ok. You're on."
So when they arrive at the lecture hall, the surgeon and the driver change coats and the surgeon puts on the driver's hat and sits in the back of the room.
The driver nails the presentation. Not only that, he also answers all the questions without any problems. Just when the driver thinks he's done, an audience member, wearing a lab coat and tape covered glasses stands up and asks a complex question that the driver is not able to answer.
"You know..." says the driver, "I have done this lecture 287 times and I have never been asked such a stupid question. As a matter of fact, that question is SO stupid that I am going to let my driver answer it."
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Tips from the Efficiency Expert
The efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution. "You
don't want to try these techniques at home."
"Why not?" asked someone from the back of the audience.
"I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years," the expert
explained. "She made lots of trips to the refrigerator, stove, table and
cabinets, often carrying just a single item at a time. 'Hon,' I
suggested, 'Why don't you try carrying several things at once?'"
The voice from the back asked, "Did it save time?"
The expert replied, "Actually, yes. It used to take her 20 minutes to get
breakfast ready. Now I do it in seven."
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Mom, Send Money
A college student his mother and asked her for some money.
His mother said that she would send him money and mentioned that he had left his calculus book when when he visited two weeks ago and asked if she should send it too.
"Uhh, oh yeah, o.k." Responded the student.
Mom wrapped the book along with the checks up in a package, kissed Dad goodbye, and went to the post office to mail the money and the book.
When she gets back, Dad asked, "How much did you give the boy this time?
Mom replied, "I wrote 2 checks, one for $20, and the other for $1000."
"That's $1020!" yelled Dad. "Are you crazy?"
"Don't worry hon," Mum said, as she kissed Dad on the on top of his bald head, "I taped the $20 check to the cover of his book, but I put the $1000 one somewhere between the pages in chapter 19!"
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Three Wise Women
Do you know what would have happened if it had been Three Wise Women
instead of Three Wise Men?
They would have asked directions,
arrived on time,
helped deliver the baby,
cleaned the stable,
made a casserole, and,
brought practical gifts.
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College Boy
A young man hired by a supermarket reported for his first day of work.
The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a
broom and said, "Your first job will be to sweep out the store."
"But I'm a college graduate," the young man replied indignantly.
"Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know that," said the manager. "Here, give me the
broom - I'll show you how."
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Wisdom from the Athletes
The New Orleans Saint running back who said, "I want to rush for 1,000 or
1,500 yards, whichever comes first."
Or the former quarterback and current TV commentator who observed, "Nobody
in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman
Einstein."
Or the senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh who
predicted, ""I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes."
Then there's the Florida State assistant coach who told his team, "OK, you
guys, line up alphabetically by height." And another day he told 'em, "You
guys pair up in groups of threes, then line up in a circle!" This guy must
have played football before the mandatory helmet rule.
A very well-known basketball player was asked whether he had visited the
Parthenon during his visit to Greece. He replied, "I can't really remember
the names of the clubs we went to."
One more: there's the veteran boxing trainer who said of his fighter,
"He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning regardless of what
time it is."
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