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Can You Spell "GOD"?
Three people from different parts of the country passed away at the same time.
All were met at the gates by St. Peter. The first was an architect from California.
Peter said, "You've built beautiful buildings and served men on earth,
but before you come in you have to pass one small test, spell 'God'".
"G-O-D," replied the architect and St. Peter waved him through.
The second person to approach was a rancher from Texas. Peter looked at him and said,
"You've served man upon the earth by providing food through the cattle you've raised
but before you come in there's just one small test, spell 'GOD'".
"G-O-D", said the rancher and Peter waved him through.
The third person was an attractive businesswoman from New York.
Peter said, "You've served the world of commerce, but
before you come in you'll have to pass one small test."
At this the woman interrupted, "Oh come on now Saint," said the woman,
"I've had to fight for every promotion I've ever gotten.
I've had to take lower pay for the same job as a male colleague,
and I've been continually harassed by bosses and peers for one
reason, my gender. And now here I am and you're giving me a
hard time too; what kind of test? Let's get it over with."
Peter thought for a moment and said, "Spell Czechoslovakia"
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Can I Help You?
As the new minister in town was walking down the street, he saw a little boy straining every muscle to reach the door-bell.
He realized the little guy would never make it, although he admired the kid's tenacity. So he walked up on the porch to help.
"Here buddy, need some help?" He lifted the tyke who rang the bell.
As he set the child down, the kid took off running and called back over his shoulder, "Run mister! Here come the lady!"
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The House Is Going To Burn!
In a car in the middle of Colorado a wife says to her husband,
"Oh Dear George, I'm afraid the house is going to burn down,
I'm sure I left the iron on."
George: "The house will not burn down Dear, don't worry"
Wife: "Now how can you make a statement like that"
George: "Cause I forgot to turn off the water in the bathtub!"
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Speeding Ticket
A young man, on the way to visit his girlfriend in northern Michigan was caught speeding through one of the small towns just a few miles from his destination. The officer sauntered up to the car as the young man fished for his license and registration. With the hint of a wry smile across his face, the officer placed both elbows on the window of the car so he could get real close and spoke in a deep voice, "Son, I've been waitin' all day for you." "Sorry officer," the young driver said. "I got here just as fast as I could."
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Having the Preacher for Dinner
In a small town way out in the country, a local farmer invited the new preacher and his wife to come out to the farm for supper. While the women were finishing preparations in the kitchen, the men talked in the living room. The farmer was in the middle of telling the preacher that because he was sure that most ministers liked chicken, that's what he had asked his wife to prepare. The farmer's son, playing nearby, spoke up and said, "But I thought it was 'buzzard', not 'chicken' that we were eating today."
"Of course not, where did you ever get that idea?" demanded the farmer.
"Well, I overheard you telling mommy that we ought to hurry up and have the 'old buzzard'" for dinner and get it over with."
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1. "Hi! Now you say something."
2. "Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator.
Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of
these magnets."
3. "Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving
messages. My owners do not need siding, windows, a hot tub, or any
subscriptions and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through
the office. If you are still with me, leave your name and number and they
will get back to you."
4. "This is not an answering machine -- this is a telepathic thought
recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for
calling, and a number where I can reach you, and I will think about
returning your call."
5. "Greetings, you have reached the Sixth Sense Detective Agency. We
know who you are and what you want, so at the sound of the tone, please
hang up."
6. "Hi. I am probably home. I'm just avoiding someone I don't like.
Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you."
7. "Hi. This is George. I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now.
Leave a message, and then wait by your phone until I call you back."
8. "Hi. If you are a burgler, then we're probably at home cleaning our
weapons right now and can't come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably
aren't home and it's safe to leave us a message."
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TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
FROM: EMPLOYEE BENEFITS SECTION, PERSONNEL SERVICE
SUBJECT: RESTROOM TRIPS POLICY (RTP)
DATE: OCTOBER 11, 1996
In the past, employees were permitted to make trips to the restroom under informal guidelines. Effective October 11, 1993, a Restroom Trip Policy (RTP) will be established to provide a consistent method of accounting for each employee's restroom time.
Under this policy, a Restroom Trip Bank (RTB) will be established for each employee. The first day of each month, employees will be given a Restroom Trip Credit (RTC) of 20. RTC's may be accumulated from month to month.
Currently, entrances to restrooms are being equipped with personnel identification stations and computer-linked voice print recognition. During the next week, each employee must provide two voice prints, one normal and one under stress, to the personnel office. The voice print recognition stations will be operational, but not restrictive for the month of October. Employees should acquaint themselves with the stations during this period.
If an employee's Restroom Trip Bank balance reaches zero, restroom doors will not unlock for his/her voice until the first of the next month.
In addition, restroom stalls are being equipped with timed paper roll retractors. If occupied for more than three minutes, an alarm will sound. Thirty seconds after the alarm sounds, the roll of paper will retract, the toilet will flush, and the stall doors will open.
If you have any questions regarding the new policy, contact your department supervisor.
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A TRAIN RIDE MYSTERY
The story is told of four people who shared a berth in a train going from Paris to Madrid: a beautiful young woman travelling with her grandmother, and a handsome young army lieutenant who was with his commanding officer.
On the way the train passed through a tunnel, and the train became pitch black. Suddenly, in the darkness there was a sound of a kiss followed by a slap. When the train emerged from the tunnel, the four sat stone faced as if nothing had happened.
The beautiful young woman thought to herself, "That was a wonderful kiss, but my grandmother must have slapped his face and he probably thinks I did it and he won't pay attention to me again."
The grandmother thinks, "That's a fresh thing for that man to kiss my grand daughter. I'm sure glad she stood up for herself, I'm sure it will teach him a lesson."
The commanding officer thought, "This is terrible, she must have thought that I was the one who kissed her, wait until I get back to the base, I'm really going to give my lieutenant a piece of my mind."
And the handsome young lieutenant thought, "This was my day. I got to kiss a beautiful woman and slap my boss and get away with both."
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BEST RUM CAKE EVER
Ingredients
1 or 2 quarts rum
1 cup butter
1 teaspoon
2 large eggs
1 cup dried fruit
baking powder
1 teaspoon soda
lemon juice
brown sugar
nuts
Before you start - sample the rum to check for quality.
Good - isn't it? Now go ahead.
Select a large mixing bowl, measuring cup, etc.
Check the rum again. It must be just right.
To be sure rum is of the highest quality, pour one level cup of rum into a glass and drink it as fast as you can.
Repeat.
With an electric mixer, beat one cup cup of butter in a fluffy bowl. Add 1 seaspoon of thugar and beat again.
Meanwhile, make sure that the rum is of the quinest fality. Cry another tup.
Open second quart if necessary. Add 2 arge leggs, 2 cups fried druit and beat till high. If druit get stuck in beater, just pry loose with a drewscriver.
Sample the rum again, checking for tonscisticity.
Next, sift 3 cups of peper or salt (it really doesn't matter). Sample the rum again.
Sift 1/2 pint of lemon juice. Fold in chopped butter and strained nuts. Add a babblespoon of brown thugar, or whatever color you can find. Wix mell.
Grease oven and turn cake pan to 350 gredees. Now pour the whole mess into the cover and ake.
Check the rum again, and bo to ged.
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What follows are ACTUAL announcements from ACTUAL church
bulletins.
1. Don't let worry kill you --let the church help.
2. Thursday night -Potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow.
3. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
4. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
5. The rosebud on the alter this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.
6. This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.
7. Tuesday at 4:00 PM there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.
8. Wednesday the ladies liturgy will meet. Mrs. Johnson will sing "Put me in my little bed" accompanied by the pastor.
9. Thursday at 5:00 PM there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All ladies wishing to be "Little Mothers" will meet with the Pastor in his study.
10. This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.
11. The service will close with "Little Drops of Water." One of the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in.
12. Next Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will come forward and do so.
13. The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind. They can be seen in the church basement Saturday.
14. A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
15. At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
16. "A songfest was hell at the Methodist Church Wednesday."
17. "Today's Sermon: HOW MUCH CAN A MAN DRINK? with hymns forom a full choir."
18. On a New York convalescent home: "For the sick and tired of the Episcopal Church."
19. In the vestry of a New England church: "Will the last person to leave please see that the perpetual light is extinguished."
20. In a Pennsylvania cemetery: "Persons are prohibited from picking flowers from any but their own garden."
21. Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa will be speaking tonight at
Calvary Memorial Church in Racine. Come tonight and hear Bertha Belch
all the way from Africa.
22. Announcement in the church bulletin for a National PRAYER & FASTING
Conference. "The cost for attending the Fasting and Prayer conference
includes meals".
23. Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 p.m. in the
recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.
24. Today the pastor will preach his farewell message after which the choir
will sing "Break Forth into Joy"
25. Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again" giving obvious
pleasure to the congregation.
26. "Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of
those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your
husbands".
27. Next Sunday is the family hayride and bonfire at the Fowlers'. Bring
your own hot dogs and guns. Friends are welcome! Everyone come for a fun
time.
28. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say hell to someone who doesn't
care much about you.
29. The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a
conflict.
30. The sermon this morning: "Jesus walks on the water'. The sermon tonight:
'Searching for Jesus'.
31. Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the
help they can get.
32. Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more
transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of
Pastor Jack's sermons.
33. The "Over 60's Choir" will be disbanded for the summer with thanks.
34. The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on people
who are afflicted with any church.
35. The Pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would
lend him their girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.
36. Remember in prayer those who are sick of our church and community.
37. Next Sunday Mrs. Vinson will be soloist for the morning service. The
pastor will then speak on "It's a terrible experience".
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There are three engineers in a car: an electrical engineer, a chemical
engineer and a Microsoft engineer.� Suddenly the car engine shuts off,
leaving
the three engineers stranded by the side of the road.� All three engineers
look at each other wondering what could be wrong.
The electrical engineer suggests stripping down the� electronics of the car
and trying to trace where a fault might have occurred.� The chemical
engineer,
not knowing much about cars, suggests that maybe the fuel is becoming
emulsified and getting blocked somewhere.
Then, the Microsoft engineer, not knowing much about anything, comes up
with a suggestion, "Why don`t we close all the windows, get out, get back in,
open the windows again, and maybe it`ll work !?"
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A man has been in business for many, many years and the business is going down the drain. He is seriously contemplating suicide and he doesn't know what to do.� He goes to the Pastor to seek his advice. He tells the Pastor about all of his problems in the business and asks the Pastor what he should do.
�� The Pastor says "Take a beach chair and a Bible and put them in your car and drive down to the edge of the ocean. Go to the water's edge. Take the beach chair out of the car, sit on it and take the Bible out and open it up. The wind will rifle the pages for a while and eventually the Bible will stay open at a particular page. Read the Bible and it will tell you what to do."
�� The man does as he is told. He places a beach chair and a Bible in his car and drives down to the beach. He sits on the chair at the water's edge and opens the Bible. The wind rifles the pages of the Bible and then stops at a particular page. He looks down at the Bible and sees what he has to do.
�� Three months later the man and his family come back to see the Pastor.� The man is wearing a $1,000 Italian suit, The wife is all decked out with a full-length mink coat and the child is dressed in beautiful silk. The man hands the Pastor a thick
�� envelope full of money and tells him that he wants to donate this money to the church in order to thank the Pastor for his wonderful advice. The Pastor is delighted. He recognizes the man and asks him what advice in the bible brought this good fortune to him.
�� The man replies: "Chapter 11."
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The Coffin
A hearse reached the entrance to the cemetery at the top of a
hill, passing over a speed bump. Its back door flew open and out came
the coffin, still on its carriage with rollers. The coffin headed
downhill, in the middle of the street, gathering speed as it went.
As it reached the bottom of the hill, it was heading directly
for the front doors of a drugstore. The coffin sailed through the doors
and through the store, straight to the pharmacy counter at the rear.
The startled pharmacist watched with alarm as the coffin
slammed into his counter, the lid popped open and up sat the corpse who
said, "Hey, Mac ! Ya got anything to stop this coffin?"
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Message for the Robber
A good Quaker gentleman was awakened one night by sounds downstairs in the living room. Realizing there was an intruder in his house, the Quaker gentleman took his hunting rifle, and standing at the top of the stairs, said,
"Sir, I mean to do thee no harm, but where thou standest is where I am about to shoot."
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A Rude Awakening
The story is told of a pastor who was frustrated because of one man who always seemed to fall asleep during the sermon. So the pastor devised a trick, a way hethough he could embarrass the man so as to get him to break this habit. Nearthe end of a sermon concerning "hell", the Pastor, in a normal voice, said to the congregation, "Any one here today who wants to go to hell" - - then he raised his voice to a much louder volume - - "PLEASE STAND UP!"
Of course this woke up the sleeping parishioner who quickly jumped to his feet. After collecting himself for a moment, the man then looked at the pastor and said, "Preacher, I don't know why I'm standing, but it appears that you and I are both in this boat."
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Simple questions with simple answers
Where do you find a no legged dog?
Right where you left him.
Did you hear about the dyslexic Satanist?
He sold his soul to Santa
Did you hear about the guy that lost his left arm and leg in a car
crash?
He's all right now.
Did you hear about the man who was tap dancing?
He broke his ankle when he fell into the sink.
How do crazy people go through the forest?
They take the psycho path.
How does a spoiled rich girl change a lightbulb?
She says, "Daddy, I want a new apartment."
What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long?
Polaroids.
What do prisoners use to call each other?
Cell phones.
What do the letters D.N.A. stand for?
National Dyslexics Association.
What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work?
A stick.
What do you call cheese that isn't yours?
Nacho Cheese.
What do you call Santa's helpers?
Subordinate Clauses.
What do you call four bull fighters in quicksand?
Quatro sinko.
What do you get from a pampered cow?
Spoiled milk.
What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
Frostbite.
What do you get when you cross an elephant and a skin doctor?
A pachydermatologist
What has four legs, is big, green, fuzzy, and if it fell out of a tree
would kill you?
A pool table.
What kind of coffee was served on the Titanic?
Sanka.
What kind of lettuce was served on the Titanic?
Iceberg.
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
Why are there so many Smiths in the phone book?
They all have phones.
Why do bagpipers walk when they play?
They're trying to get away from the noise.
Why do gorillas have big nostrils?
Because they have big fingers.
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"Trained" killer
There once was this guy who worked for the Railroad as a conductor.
Let's say his name was Joe. Well, Joe was walking through the train, en
route, collecting tickets from the passengers. He comes to car 12, booth
3. In it is this beautiful woman.
So, he asked her for her ticket:
"Excuse me ma'am, do have your ticket?"
"Oh, I am soooo sorry, I dropped it out the window by accident,"
she replied.
"Sorry, ma'am can't have any passengers without tickets." He
grabbed her by the scruff of the neck and THREW her out of the train.
Well, she landed on the tracks, was run over by the train. Naturally,
the conductor was arrested, thrown in jail. He was convicted of murder
before a jury of his peers, and sentenced to death by electrocution.
The day of his execution came up, and he was asked what he would
like for his last meal. He asked for a banana. They gave it to him, he
ate it, received his last rites, and was escorted to the chair. The
executioner strapped him in, hooked everything up. Last, he threw the
BIG switch once, and NOTHING HAPPENED. So, he did it again, and NOTHING
HAPPENED. Well, by law the conductor was legally dead, so they had to
release him.
Oddly enough, the guy got a job on another railroad, as a
conductor! One day, he was gathering tickets, and came to a booth with
a little boy.
"Young man, do you have your ticket?", asked the conductor.
"A-a-a, I'm sorry, I ate it by mithtake..", said the little boy.
And.. the same thing happened-- the boy was thrown off the train
and killed. The guy was arrested, sentenced to death by electrocution.
It came to his last day. The death row guard asked him what he would
like for his meal. He asked for banana again. He ate it, and a priest
gave him last rites.
He was escorted to the death chamber. This time, though, they
where smart. They washed his hands to get rid of any banana slime, they
washed up the chair. Next, they placed him the chair, and hooked him up.
The switch-puller pulled the switch once, and NOTHING HAPPENED. The
switch-puller pulled the switch twice, and NOTHING HAPPENED, not even a
single hair raising on the guy's chest.
Well, as the law says, they had to let him go...
Even more amazingly, he got a job on yet another railroad.
This time is was a rabbi. Same old stuff. Rabbi had no ticket (he
forgot to buy it). Guy threw him off the train, rabbi died. Guy was
arrested, convicted, sentenced to death by electrocution.
When the guard asked him what he would like for a last meal, he
asked for a banana. He ate it, received last rights, and was escorted to
the chamber.
However, this time the officials where going to get it RIGHT! They
scrubbed his body with a scrub pad. They scrubbed the chair with steel
wool. They tried the chair on a few other prisoners...
Okay, they strapped him in, and threw the switch once, NOTHING
HAPPENED. Threw the switch a second time, NOTHING HAPPENED. At this
point the guy was legally dead, etc, etc.
But, before the guy could leave, the executioner, extremely
frustrated (he'd seen this same guy THREE TIMES already). asked, "What
is it with the banana!"
The guy replied, "I just like bananas."
So, the executioner SCREAMED, "THEN HOW COME YOU DON'T DIE!!!!!"
"I dunno," replied the guy, "I guess I'm just not a very good
conductor."
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Flying Fear
There was this Christian lady that had to do a lot of traveling for her
business so she did a lot of flying. But flying made her nervous so she
always took her Bible along with her to read and it helped relax her. One
time she was sitting next to a man. When he saw her pull out her Bible he
gave a little chuckle and went back to what he was doing.
After awhile he turned to her and asked "You don't really believe all
that stuff in there do you?"
The lady replied "Of course I do. It is the Bible."
He said "Well what about that guy that was swallowed by that whale?
She replied "Oh, Jonah. Yes I believe that, it is in the Bible.
He asked "Well, how do you suppose he survived all that time inside the
whale?"
The lady said "Well I don't really know. I guess when I get to heaven I
will ask him."
"What if he isn't in heaven?" the man asked sarcastically.
"Then you can ask him." replied the lady.
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Three Wise Men
In a small Southern town there was a "Nativity Scene" that showed great
skill and talent had gone into creating it. One small feature bothered
me. The
three wise men were wearing firemen's helmets.
Totally unable to come
up
with a reason or explanation, I left. At a "Quik Stop" on the edge of
town, I
asked the lady behind the counter about the helmets. She looked at me
like
I was dumber than dirt and said "You darn Yankees never do read the
Bible!" I
assured her that I did but simply couldn't recall anything about
firemen
in
the Bible. She jerked her Bible from behind the counter and ruffled
thru
some pages and finally jabbed her finer at a passage. Sticking it in
my
face she
said, "See, it says right here, 'The three wise men came from afar.'
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Can You Spell "GOD"?
