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Sunday School Bloopers
Some bloopers of biblical proportions written by Sunday School students.
In the first book of the bible, Guinessis, God got tired of
creating the world, so he took the Sabbath off.
Adam & Eve were created from an apple tree.
Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark.
Noah built the ark, which the animals came on in pears.
Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.
Sampson slated the Philistines with the axe of apostles.
Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened
bread, which is bread made without any ingredients.
The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert.
Afterward, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the Ten
Amendments.
The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.
The Fifth Commandment is humor thy mother and father.
The Seventh Commandment is thou shalt not ADMIT adultery.
Moses died before he ever reached the UK. Then, Joshua led the Hebrews
in the Battle of Geritol.
The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to
stand still and he obeyed him.
David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with
the Finkelsteins, a race of people who lived in the biblical times.
Solomon, one of David's sons, has 300 wives and 700 porcupines.
When Mary heard she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna
Carta.
When the three wise guys from the East Side arrived, they found Jesus
and the manager.
St. John, the Blacksmith, dumped water on his head.
Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others
before they do one to you.
He also explained, "Man doth not live by sweat alone."
The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 decibels.
The epistles were the wives of the apostles.
One of the opossums was St. Matthew, who was by profession a
taximan.
St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony,
which is another name for marriage.
A Christian should have only one wife. This is called monotony.
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Driving Under the Influence
A man goes to a party and has too much to drink. His friends plead with
him to let them take him home. He says no - he only lives a mile away.
About five blocks from the party the police pull him over for weaving
and ask him to get out of the car and walk the line. Just as he starts,
the police radio blares out a notice of a robbery taking place in a
house just a block away. The police tell the party animal to stay put,
they will be right back - and they run down the street to the robbery.
The guy waits and waits and finally decides to drive home.
When he gets there, he tells his wife he is going to bed, and to tell
anyone who might come looking for him that he has the flu and has been
in bed all day.
A few hours later the police knock on the door. They ask if Mr.. X
lives there and his wife says yes. They ask to see him and she replies
that he is in bed with the flu and has been so all day. The police have
his driver's license. They ask to see his car and she asks why. They
insist on seeing his car, so she takes them to the garage and opens the
door where they find: the police car, lights still flashing.
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Make Over
A middle aged woman has a heart attack and is taken to the hospital. While
on the operating table she has a near death experience. During that
experience she sees God and asks if this is it.
God says no, and explains that she has another 30-40 years to live.
Upon her recovery she decides to just stay in the hospital and have a
face lift, liposuction, breast augmentation, tummy tuck, etc. She even has
someone come in and change her hair color.� She figures since she's got
another 30 or 40 years she might as well make the most of it.
She walks out the hospital after the last operation and is killed by an
ambulance speeding up to the hospital. She arrives in front of God and
asks, "I thought you said I had another 30-40 years?"
God replies, "I didn't recognize you."
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If Dr. Seuss Wrote Technical Manuals.
If a packet hits a pocket on the socket on a port
And the bus is interrupted as a very last resort,
And the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort,
Then the socket packet pocket has an error to report!
If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash,
And the double-clicking icons put your window in the trash,
And your data is corrupted 'cause the index doesn't hash,'
Then your situation's hopeless, and your system's gonna
crash!
If the label on your cable on the gable at your house,
Says the network is connected to the button on your mouse,
But your packets want to tunnel to another protocol,
That's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the ahll.
And your screen is all distorted by the side effects of
Gauss,
So your icons in the window are as wavy as a zouse,
Then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang,
'Cause as sure as I'm a poet, the thing is gonna hang!
When the copy of your floopy's getting sloppy on the disk
And the microcode instructions cause unnecessary RISC,
Then you hafta flash your memory, and you'll want to RAM
your ROM,
Quickly turn off your computer and be sure to tell your
mom!
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The Direct Line
The Chief Rabbi of Israel and the Pope are in a meeting in Rome. The Rabbi notices an unusually
fancy phone on a side table In the Pope's private chambers.
"What is that phone for?" he asks the pontiff.
"It's my direct line to the Lord!"
The Rabbi is skeptical, and the Pope notices. The Holy Father Insists that the Rabbi try it out, and,
indeed, he is connected to the Lord. The Rabbi holds a lengthy discussion with Him. After hanging up
the Rabbi says. "Thank you very much. This is great! But listen, I want to pay for my phone charges."
The Pope, of course refuses, but the Rabbi is steadfast and finally, the pontiff gives in. He checks the
counter on the phone and says: "All right! The charges were 100,000 Lira." The Chief Rabbi gladly
hands over a packet of bills.
A few months later, the Pope is in Jerusalem on an official "visit" In the Chief Rabbi's chambers he
sees a phone identical to his and learns it also is a direct line to the Lord.
The Pope remembers he has an urgent matter that requires divine consultation and asks if he can use
the Rabbi's phone.
The Rabbi gladly agrees, hands him the phone, and the Pope chats away After hanging up, the Pope
offers to pay for the phone charges. The Rabbi looks on the phone counter and says: "1 Shekel 50!"
The Pope looks surprised: "Why so cheap!"
The Rabbi smiles: "Local call."
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No Good Deed Goes Unpunished
A man appeared at the Pearly Gates and knocked. St. Peter came out and asked him what he
wanted. He said "I want to get in please." St. Peter asked him to name one thing nice he had done for
someone during his life. He replied that one time he saved an old woman in front of a convenience
store. She was getting beat up and shoved around by a large gang of bikers out front, and so "I just
went up and kicked the biggest biker in the shins, and the old lady got away."
St. Peter was
impressed, and asked, "How long ago did this happen?" The man replied as he looked at his watch,
"Oh, about 25 seconds ago!"
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NARROW BRIDGE
Two 18 wheelers approched a small bridge from opposite ends. One was driven by a huge, former football player, and the other by a very small wirey man who was perched up on a pillow. It was obvious that the bridge was only wide enough for one truck, so the little man poked his head out of the truck window and yelled in a high pitched, angry sounding tone, "You'd better let me go first." The larger man didn't want trouble, so he meekly pulled his rig off to the side while the other truck came across the bridge. When the trucks were side by side, the large man, with muscles bulging from his tatooed left arm called out in a deep gruff voice, "Or else what?" In his high screechy voice the little man called back, "Or else - - - I'll let you go first."
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CARS IN HEAVEN
It seems the head Deacon died and went to heaven. When Saint Peter met him at the gate, he explained that because of all of his good deeds done on earth, he would be given a Mercedes for his heavenly transportation. "It could have been a Rolls Royce", the Deacon commented. "But there were a number of deficiencies in your record, so this is the best we can do for you." A while later, the Music Director died, and also appeared before Peter. He didn't fare quite so well, but was given a Yugo to drive. Although he accepted this graciously, inwardly he was upset, especially when he saw the head Deacon driving around heaven in his silver grey Mercedes. Then one day, as the Deacon rounded a corner, he saw that the Music Director had had a terrible accident. His Yugo had crashed into a tree, and it appeared to be totally wrecked. And then he noticed that the Music Director was outside the car, and was laughing uncontrollably. So the Deacon pulled his Mercedes to the curb, and jumped out to inquire what had happened. "What's going on?" he asked. "Why are you standing here laughing when you just smashed up your car?" "Because," said the Music Director between gasps for air, "I just saw Pastor Hester go by on roller blades."
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NOT TOO FUNNY
Pastor Beaverson was approached by a visitor after the service. "Pastor", she said. "I really appreciated your sermon. However, there's just one thing. I still can't figure out what the connection was between your text and the rest of the sermon."
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GOLFING ON SUNDAY
Bill Jenkins served as a deacon in a very strict, fundamentalist church. Skipping church to play golf would be considered a grave infraction, especially for someone in leadership. But the urge was greater than his ability to resist, and Bill found himself at the golf course on a beautiful sunny Sunday morning. Nearing the end of a very enjoyable 18 holes of golf, Bill suddenly heard a voice from heaven calling out his name. "You may receive either a blessing or a punishment. Which will it be?" "Well, of course a blessing," Bill answered. "Then you may ask for one blessing, what will it be?" "Oh, I would love, just one time, to get a 'hole in one'". So Bill teed up, took a few practice swings, and sent the ball soaring toward the next green. To his great delight, the ball bounced at the edge of the green, and slowly rolled to the flag and dropped in." "Thank you, thank you", Bill shouted toward the sky. "Well actually," the voice responded, "You asked for a blessing, but you have received a punishment instead." "Why? What do you mean?" "Because", intoned the voice, "Who are you going to tell?"
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MONKEY TALK
Two monkeys were discussing the theory of evolution while they passed the time in their zoo cage. Finally, one turned to the other and said, "Tell me; am I my keeper's brother?"
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IN TEXAS EVERYTHING IS BIG
Two brothers, George and Carl, were brought up in a rural town in Vermont. However, George decided to leave the area, and ended up settling in Texas. For years he tried to get his brother to come down to visit him there. Every time he wrote to his brother he extolled the virtues of Texas, particularly noting how big everything was there. Finally, thirty years later, Carl decided it was time to take the plunge, and he bought a ticket and flew to Huston. George met him at the airport, and showed to his car, a car that was bigger than any Carl had ever seen. As they drove silently out toward George's ranch, Carl remarked to himself that his brother was right; everything in Texas is huge! Finally, as they drove up a very long driveway, the huge ranch house came into view. George took the suitcase, and as they went up the walk, Carl was nearly overwhelmed by the size of this house. Inside, Carl was invited to wait in the living room - it seemed to be 40 feet long - while George went to the kitchen to get them something to drink. When he came back, Carl asked if he could use the bathroom, so his brother showed him down a huge hallway. "Go down to the end of this hall, turn left, and the bathroom door will be the first on on your right." George went back to the living room to wait when he heard a frightening scream coming from down the hall. He ran to find out what the problem was, and found out that Carl had turned right instead of left, had fallen into the swimming pool, and was yelling, "Help, don't flush it!"
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A TRUCK AND A PASTOR
A truck driver used� to amuse himself by running over lawyers� he would see
walking down the side of the road. Every time he� would see a lawyer walking
along the� road, he� would swerve� to hit him,� and there� would be� a loud
"THUMP" and then he� would swerve back� on the road.
One day, as the truck
driver was driving along he saw a� pastor hitch hiking. He thought he would do
good turn and pulled the truck over.� He asked the pastor, "Where are you
going?" "I'm going to the church 5 miles down the road!", replied the pastor.� "No problem! I'll give you a lift. Climb in the truck".�
The
happy pastor� climbed into� the passenger seat and the� truck driver continued
down� the road. Suddenly the truck driver� saw a lawyer walking down� the
road and� instinctively� he�� swerved to
hit him.�
But then� he remembered there was a� pastor in the� truck with him,
so
at the last minute he swerved�� back to� the road,� narrowly missing the
lawyer.� However� even though he was certain� he missed the lawyer, he still
heard a loud "THUD".�
Not understanding where� the noise came from he glanced
in his
mirrors and when he didn't see� anything, he turned to� the pastor� and
said,"I'm
sorry. I almost hit that lawyer".
"That's okay", replied the pastor. "I
got him with the door!"
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The Pope's Discovery
The Pope dies and, naturally, goes to heaven. He's met by
the reception committee, and after a whirlwind tour is told that
he can enjoy any of the myriad recreations available. He decides
that he wants to read all of the ancient original text of the Holy
scriptures, and spends the next eon or so learning the languages.
After becoming a linguistic master, he sits down in the library and
begins to pour over every version of the Bible, working back from
the most recent "Easy reading" to the original script. All of a
sudden there is a scream in the library.
The angels come running
to him, only to find the Pope huddled in a chair, crying to himself,
and muttering, "An 'R'! They left out the 'R'."
God takes him aside,
offering comfort and asks him what the problem is. After collecting
his wits, the Pope sobs again, "It's the letter 'R' ... the word was
supposed to be CELEBRATE!
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A Confused Electrician
In the middle of a building project, a Master Electrician was being assisted by his Apprentice. At one particular point the Master Electrician seemed a lettle confused. So he asked his Apprentice to climb up the step ladder and hold on to one of the two wires protruding from the ceiling.
"Can you feel anything?" The Electrician asked.
"No", answered the Apprentice.
"Good. Just don't touch the other wire or you will drop dead."
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Friars in Business
The friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise the funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, the rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. He asked his mother to go and ask the friars to get out of business. They ignored her, too. So the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town, to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close shop. Terrified, the friars did so, thereby proving that
. . . . Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.
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Sunday School Bloopers
