THE END TIMES
VOLUME IV || ISSUE 3 || MARCH 14, 2007
The Most Wonderful Time of the Semester Has Arrived!
2008 Presidential Candidates UInveiled!
Forum Disputes Lead to New Gladiator Event
New Products at JBU Bookstore Cause Risqu� Scandal!
The Most Wonderful Time of the Semester Has Arrived!
Well, it�s that time of year again:
Spring. The time when the pressure on students
to find a mate becomes greater and greater.
No, that�s not what we�re talking about (although it�s certainly true, especially in view of new measures being instituted by SGA this year - but that�s not what we�re talking about).. It�s springtime, which means SPRING BREAK!!! The subject of hit movies, Broadway musicals, and National Geographic specials, the annual event is ranked second most important milestones in the life of a college student, just behind �breaking up with your fiancee,� according to Daily National World News Report Weekly. Past activities of JBU students range from the innocent (taking your significant other home to meet Mom and Dad) to the scandalous (taking your significant other home without them meeting Mom and Dad), from the mundane (going with your best friend to the Grand Canyon) to the memorable (pushing your best friend into the Grand Canyon). The research division here at The End Times surveyed a wide cross-section of the JBU student population and came up with some interesting results:
43% are doing something they have
never done before.
68% are leaving the state
29% have no clue where they�re going
but are planning on hitchhiking /
railriding as much as it takes to get away
from campus
16% are going home.
5% are going on a school-sponsored
missions trip.
79% are actively planning on breaking
the lifestyle coveanant.
31% say they will probably end up
spending at least one night in prison
The results of this survey have prompted members of Student Development to look into their options so as to prevent such high student attrition. At press time, two of the top proposals were to provide free pre-break coun- The Most Wonderful Time of the Semester Has Arrived! seling to students in an effort to keep them on the straight and narrow, and suspending the covanent over break. However, the suggestion most likely to succeed (according to board members) was one that originally involved faculty members following and monitoring ( not stalking) students over the break. Unfortunately, personnel shortage and lack of money in the budget for such antics forced a revision of the plan, and, pending approval, on the Thursday before spring break begins all students will be wired with cameras to keep them in line.
But what, exactly, are the students of
John Brown University doing between March 17
- 25? Here are just a few:
--- going home, dang it
--- flying around the world in eight days
--- following Sager Creek to its source on a
backpacking trip, then white water rafting back
down to JBU
--- playing one freakin� huge game of Folf<
--- attending a square dancing party in souuthern
Canada
---- going to feed the giant cockroaches att the
famous Dallas Bugworld
And here are some suggestions that
can be used in virtually any situation to make
your spring break a little more enjoyable:
--- perform �scientific� experiements on unnsuspecting
friends with you or, in case you�re
stranded at school, prepare experiments that
your roommate will encounter upon returning
--- if you�re the driver: have a contest too see who
can get the most speeding tickets in the shortest
time
--- if you�re the passenger: shoot rubber bbands
(or an AirSoft gun) at your driver
--- wear all of your clothes inside out
>
--- have a Chinese fire drill at each and eevery
stoplight you encounter, red or otherwise
--- adjust your sleeping so that people thiink you
went to South Africa for a week
--- propose (the victim does not have to bee your
significant other)
And from all of us here at The End Times, have a great spring break!
The End Times and its authors assume no responsibility for the reader should the reader choose to participate in any of these activities. Most, if not all, are harmful to your physical and/or relational well-being and should not be attempted by untrained professionals. Always wear proper safety equipment and make sure a supervising adult is present. Failure to follow these instructions could result in loss of limbs, body organs, instrumental organs, hair, kidney stones, and/or sanity, and can cause constipation, diarrhea, and tail cancer. Proceed at your own risk.
All material presented within this site Copyright 2004-2006 of the Staff of the END TIMES. All rights reserved.
All offense is intended and unintentional. No matter where you go, there you are. Listen to your mother and eat
your vegetables. Do not smoke if you are pregnant.
Direct all questions and concerns to Mr. End Times Editor.