THE END TIMES
VOLUME IV || ISSUE 3 || MARCH 14, 2007
The Most Wonderful Time of the Semester Has Arrived!
2008 Presidential Candidates Unveiled!
Forum Disputes Lead to New Gladiator Event
New Products at JBU Bookstore Cause Risqu� Scandal!
2008 Presidential Candidates Unveiled!
The season prior to a U.S. President vacating the Oval Office is always marked by heavy news coverage, speeches, debates, campaign posters,
vehement disagreements, unkeepable promises, libel, slander, and villainy. Unfortunately, most of this evades the knowledge of the
common public. The reason? Most media outlets only cover the candidates running on Democratic, Republican, and possibly one or two
Independent tickets. Meanwhile, voters will see upwards of a dozen names under the President�s heading of their 2008 ballot. We at the
End Times feel this is a gross miscalculation on the part of American reporters. The public has a right to witness and be entertained by
conspiracy and recklessness in every aspect of the Presidential race�not just a small segment of it. For this reason, we compiled a list of
political figures that either are or are considering running for the Presidency in 2008.
Rudy Giuliani (Republican)
Famous for his leadership in post-9/11
New York City, the former mayor has announced
his presidential bid. When asked
why he would win the election, Giuliani
responded, �Because I am a true Republican
with truer conservative values: A womanizing
politician who is pro-choice, pro-samesex
marriage, anti-Iraq War, who believes
taxation will save this nation from economic
misfortune.�
Hillary Clinton (Democrat)
New York Senator Hillary Clinton is the
wife of former two-term President Bill
Clinton. When asked why she wanted to run
for president, she cryptically replied, �I support
the office of President, no matter what
my voting records indicate.�
Barack Obama�s Smile (Democrat)
After leaving the current Illinois Senator
�in the hopes of pursuing an independent
career,� Barack Obama�s smile says he is
more confident than ever that he will garner
the most votes in 2008. He states, �I never
trusted President Clinton or her husband.
Besides, I�m so charming! Buy my books.�
John McCain (Republican)
The Arizona senator is also a presidential
hopeful for 2008. He says, �After I win,
Joseph Lieberman and I are throwing an
enormous party.�
Leonard Nimoy (Republican)
Best known for his performance as Mr.
Spock in the acclaimed television series
and movie franchise, Star Trek, Nimoy has
maintained a relatively low public profile.
Nevertheless, his political activism and
social passion have inspired millions. In
a recent interview, Nimoy stated, �My
esteemed opponent, Mr. McCain, is too soft
on propaganda in the media. As President,
my first act will be to neutralize the terrorist
threat posed by Skywalker Ranch.�
Ronald McDonald (Chicken
McIndependent Party)
Though many are wary of electing a descendant
of Scottish immigrants�particularly
during a time of war�McDonald promises
to devote himself toward encouraging
corporate ethics, saying, �The McStatus of
this McNation�s McBusinessworld is just
downright McNasty.�
N00bSlay3r1337 (Electronic Party)
A reputable cyber athlete, N00bSlay3r1337
says he is confident his supporters in South
Korea will rally around his directives against
North Korea�s �script kiddy cheats and illegal
hacks� against humanity. �Nancy Pelosi
is too soft on trees,� he says. �My trees all
have a +2 advantage when equipped with
the witch troll�s Zylar Bark and the Leaves
of Destiny. Beat that, n00b!�
Ted Kennedy (Democrat)
The U.S. Senator from Massachusetts, Ted
Kennedy is the brother of famed President
John F. and Representative Bobby Kennedy.
When asked whether he had considered
running for President, Kennedy remarked,
�I remember when my brother was in office:
he used to go to fancy banquets, drink
fine wine, and ride in a chauffeured limousine.
What�s the point of getting drunk
if you don�t get to drive yourself home
afterward?�
Nancy Pelosi (Green Party)
The first female Speaker of the House,
Pelosi surprised millions last week with her
declaration that she was leaving the Democratic
Party. Running under the slogan �End
Global Warming (Take Away Anne Coulter�s
Speaking Privileges),� Pelosi is sure she will
win her bid for the Presidency. �I�m tired
of blue,� she said, �and people call me the
devil so much that just I knew red was out
of the question. I�m going Green.�
Kermit the Frog (Green Party)
Also contesting the support of the Green
Party is famed television personality Kermit
the Frog. When asked why he was running
for President, Kermit responded, �People
have often criticized what they deemed a
lack of independence in my demeanor�
that I am nothing more than a social puppet.
The fact is that puppets are undermining
the moral fabric of this great nation,
and Leonard Nimoy is too soft on puppets.
People like Lamb Chops, Charlie Horse,
Hush Puppy, and so on�they threaten who
we are as a society. I will see these vicious
criminals throw in jail or deported to their
countries of manufacturing, not granted
amnesty as my esteemed opponent would
have it.�
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