| ".." |
| Doubts. I doubt my instincts, the same instincts I once trusted implicitly. There are some things I don't doubt: * I would prefer to live the rest of my life alone than to accept just anyone's company. * I will never again be anyone's victim. I am going on with life, a new one in a new place,carving out a life and come what may I shall not look back. The past may be part of me, but I am going to live very much in the present..in the here and now with an eye just a little ways down the road ahead. Fears The fears of loneliness, of being too financially stretched, of being a stranger, of actually thinking about living in a place I have only visited so far...but Iconstantly push fears back in their box with alarming regularity. I want to shed my past like so much old familiar snakeskin and venture forth into the unknown, as frightening as that all may be. This place reeks of failure and reminders of former loves waylay me too often like slaps in the face; the wounds too fresh, too livid to take the constant beating this city so freely offers. I take some comfort from the ravishing pinks, oranges,purples and golds of the winter sky as I slow myself down - somehow the play of light and colour reassures me. Reclamation Leaving Dopey began the journey into reclaiming maggie, but because of so many of my wrong choices and his threats he has managed to take everything I had built - and I let him. So now I work on Maggie's Recovery Plan...take it nice and slowly one step at a ime, one day at a time. At least this was the theory... There is one area JUST one area flying swiftly out of my control, because it never was an element I can or even want to control. And I give myself wholly over to it... I stand on the very edge of a huge cavern... I cannot hear or see the bottom. I close my eyes. I reach up and out with my arms and my hands, all my body stretched and I let myself fall....trusting. |
| tracking and defining ME |
 |