| ".." |
| Nowhere... You do not exist anywhere in my world. I get up int he middle of the night, go to the kitchen for water, look at the phone - pick it up and almost dial your number. I close my eyes and lean against the doorjamp, letting the cold of the metal embed in my forehead, and stop myself. I feel you there, but only when there are no lights on. The hole you left behind you exists in every room, every chamber of my heart., every corner of the hostory of my moments with you, around you, near you. The hole is like a mirror, ito another mirror giving endless form to the holes left in my life. I relive them all simultaneously and I have to lie down before I fall. I grieve being fully alive. I have lost many things; people, hopes, dreams., a parent, Maturity. the loss of my teenage impotence, illusions about grown_up_dom as the cure for youth; fantasies about happy_ever_after; youthful firmness to softness of age. And I have lost more ; homes, lives, professions, children, self worth and place in society., partner, friends, culture, homeland..... I fired God that day you threw me away. Hated God. STILL hate god. The choises I have been left with are desolate emptiness or to believe God is a cruel fool. The small voice inside It nudges me along with barely audible whispers of Hope . Soemday I might just surprise myself. Someday I might rejoin the ranks of the living and not think about you every moment of every day. Now I dare to say the unspeakable - the things one shouldn't say and I have never yet dared, not for their secrecy but for their honesty. Inside I hear a still voice telling me that I will understand how your cruelty and the pain you have coloiured my world with might one day fit into the big picture. An act of "Goneness" an incomprehensible event that leaves me mute.... |
| tracking and defining ME |
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