A large woman, wearing a sleeveless sun dress, walked into a bar in London.
She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit as she pointed to all
the people sitting at the bar and asked, �What man here will buy a lady a drink?�
The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her. But down at the end of
the bar, an owly-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed, �
Give the ballerina a drink!�
The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down. She turned to the
patrons and again pointed around at all of them, revealing the same hairy
armpit, and asked, �What man here will buy a lady a drink?� Once again, the
same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and said, �Give the
ballerina another drink!�
The bartender approached the little drunk and said, �I say, old chap, it�s your
business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her
the ballerina?��
�As far as I�m concerned�, the drunk replied, �any woman who can lift her leg
that high has got to be a ballerina!�
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Confession
A drunken man staggers in to a Catholic church and sits down in a confession
box and says nothing. The bewildered priest coughs to attract his attention,
but still the man says nothing. The priest then knocks on the wall three times
in a final attempt to get the man to speak. Finally, the drunk replies: "No
use knockin' mate, there's no paper in this one either."
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Designated Decoy
One night a police officer was stalking out a particularly rowdy bar for
possible violations of the driving-under-the-influence laws.
At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb and
try his keys on five different cars before he found his. Then sat in the front
seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes.
Everyone else left the bar and drove off.
Finally he started his engine and began to pull away.
The police officer was waiting for him. He stopped the driver, read him his
rights and administered the Breathalyzer test.
The results showed a reading of 0.0.
The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be.
The driver replied, "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."
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The Drinkers Fault Finding Guide
- Symptom : Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste; shirt front is wet.
Fault : Mouth not open when drinking or glass being applied to wrong part of face.
Solution : Buy another pint and practice in front of a mirror. Continue with as
many pints as necessary until drinking technique is perfect.
- Symptom : Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste; Beer unusually pale
and clear.
Fault : Glass is empty.
Solution : Find someone who will buy you another pint.
- Symptom : Room is spinning.
Fault : Somebody is spinning your barstool.
Solution : Vomit on person doing the spinning.
- Symptom : Feet cold and wet.
Fault : Glass being held at incorrect angle.
Solution : Turn glass so that open end is pointing at ceiling.
- Symptom : Feet warm and wet.
Fault : Loss of self-control.
Solution : Go and stand beside nearest dog. After a while complain to its owner
about its lack of house training.
- Symptom : Lap cool and wet.
Fault : Drooling on yourself.
Solution : Change position so that you are drooling on someone else.
- Symptom : Bar blurred.
Fault : You are looking through the bottom of your empty glass.
Solution : Find someone who will buy you another pint.
- Symptom : Bar moving.
Fault : You are being carried out.
Solution : Find out if you are being taken to another bar. If not complain
loudly that you are being hi-jacked.
- Sympton : Bar looks like a circus.
Fault : You're at a circus.
Solution : Go to a bar.
- Symptom : The opposite wall is covered with ceiling tiles and has a fluorescent
strip across it.
Fault : You have fallen over backwards.
Solution : If glass is still full, and no one is standing on your drinking arm,
stay put. If not, get someone to lift you up and lash you to the bar.
- Symptom : Everything has gone dim and you have a mouth full of teeth and dog-ends.
Fault : You have fallen over forwards.
Solution : Same as for falling over backwards.
- Symptom : You have woken up to find your bed cold, hard and wet. You cannot see
your bedroom walls or ceiling.
Fault : You have spent the night in the gutter.
Solution : Check your watch to see if it is opening time - if not treat yourself
to a lie in.
- Symptom : Everything has gone dim.
Fault : The pub is closing.
Solution : PANIC!!
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