A man dies and goes to Heaven. He gets to meet GOD and asks GOD if he can ask
him a few questions.
"Sure," GOD says, "Go right ahead".
"OK," the man says. "Why did you make women so pretty?"
GOD says, "So you would like them."
"OK," the guy says. "But how come you made them so beautiful?"
"So you would LOVE them", GOD replies.
The man ponders a moment and then asks, "But why did you make them such airhead's?"
GOD says, "So they would love you!"
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A new York Divorce Lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. Saint Peter
asks him "What have you done to merit entrance into Heaven?" The Lawyer thought
a moment, then said,"A week ago, I gave a quarter to a homeless person on the
street." Saint Peter asked Gabriel to check this out in the record, and after
a moment Gabriel affirmed that this was true.
Saint Peter said, "Well , that's fine, but it's not really quite enough to get
you into Heaven." The Lawyer said, "Wait Wait! There's more! Three years ago I
also gave a homeless person a quarter." Saint Peter nodded to Gabriel, who
after a moment nodded back,affirming this, too, had been verified.
Saint Peter then whispered to Gabriel, "Well, what do you suggest we do with this fellow?"
Gabriel gave the Lawyer a sidelong glance, then said to Saint Peter,
"Let's give him back his 50 cents and tell him to go to Hell."
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A forester and a lawyer were in car accident and showed up at the pearly gates
together.
St. Peter greets them at the pearly gates and takes them to the homes where
they will spend all of eternity. They get into St. Peter's holy vehicle and head
on down a gold road, which turns into a platinum road, which turns onto an
even grander road paved with diamonds, to a huge mansion where St. Peter turns
to the lawyer and says, here is your home for the rest of eternity, enjoy! And
if there is anything you need, just let me know.
Then St. Peter took the forester to his home, back down the diamond studded
boulevard, down the platinum highway, down the street of gold, down an avenue
of silver, along a stone alley and down an unpaved footpath to a shack. St Peter
says "Here you go" and goes to leave when the forester says "Waitaminute!, how
come the lawyer gets the big mansion and I get this shack?"
St. Peter says: "Well, Foresters are a dime a dozen here, we have never had a lawyer before."
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A fellow finds himself in front of the Pearly Gates. St. Peter explains that
its not so easy to get in heaven. There are some criteria before entry is allowed.
For example, was the man religious in life? Attend church? No? St. Peter told
him that's bad.
Was he generous? give money to the poor? Charities? No? St. Peter told him that
that too was bad.
Did he do any good deeds? Help his neighbor? Anything? No? St. Peter was becoming concerned.
Exasperated, Peter says, "Look, everybody does something nice sometime. Work
with me, I'm trying to help. Now think!"
The man says, "There was this old lady. I came out of a store and found her
surrounded by a dozen Hell's Angels. They had taken her purse and were shoving
her around,taunting and abusing her.
I got so mad I threw my bags down, fought through the crowd, and got her purse
back. I then helped her to her feet. I then went up to the biggest, baddest
biker and told him how despicable, cowardly and mean he was and then spat in his face".
"Wow", said Peter, "That's impressive. When did this happen"?
"Oh, about 10 minutes ago", replied the man.
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Satan greets him: "Welcome Mr. Gates, we've been waiting for you. This will be
your home for all eternity. You've been selfish, greedy and a big liar all your
life. Now, since you've got me in a good mood, I'll be generous and give you a
choice of three places in which you'll be locked up forever.
Satan takes Bill to a huge lake of fire in which millions of poor souls are
tormented and tortured. He then takes him to a massive coliseum where thousands
of people are chased about and devoured by starving lions. Finally, he takes
Bill to a tiny room in which there is a bottle of the finest wine sitting on a
table. To Bill's delight, he sees a PC in the corner. Without hesitation, Bill
says "I'll take this option."
"Fine," says Satan, allowing Bill to enter the room. Satan locks the room after
Bill As he turns around, he bumps into Lucifer. "That was Bill Gates!" cried
Lucifer."Why did you give him the best place of all!"
"That's what everyone thinks" snickered Satan.
"The bottle has a hole in it!"
"What about the PC?"
"It's got Windows 95!" laughed Satan.
"And it's missing three keys,"
"Which three?"
"Control, Alt and Delete."
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Bill Gates suddenly dies and finds himself face to face with God. God stood
over Bill Gates and said, "Well Bill, I'm really confused on this one. It's a
tough decision; I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all,
you helped society enormously by putting a computer in almost every home in
America, yet you also created that ghastly Windows '95 among other indiscretions.
I believe I'll do something I've never done before; I'll let you decide where
you want to go."
Bill pushed up his glasses, looked up at God and replied, "Could you briefly
explain the difference between the two?" Looking slightly puzzled, God said,
"Better yet, why don't I let you visit both places briefly, then you can make
your decision. Which do you choose to see first, Heaven or Hell?"
Bill played with his pocket protector for a moment, then looked back at God and
said, "I think I'll try Hell first." So, with a flash of lightning and a cloud
of smoke, Bill Gates went to Hell.
When he materialized in Hell, Bill looked around. It was a beautiful and clean
place, a bit warm, with sandy beaches and tall mountains, clear skies, pristine
water, and beautiful women frolicking about. A smile came across Bill's face as
he took in a deep breath of the clean air. "This is great," he thought, "if
this is Hell, I can't wait to see heaven."
Within seconds of his thought, another flash of lightning and a cloud of smoke
appeared, and Bill was off to Heaven. Heaven was a place high above the clouds,
where angels were drifting about playing their harps and singing in a beautiful
chorus. It was a very nice place, Bill thought, but not as enticing as Hell.
Bill looked up, cupped his hands around his mouth and yelled for God and Bill
Gates was sent to Hell for eternity.
Time passed, and God decided to check on the late billionaire to see how he was
progressing in Hell . When he got there, he found Bill Gates shackled to a wall
in a dark cave amid bone thin men and tongues of fire, being burned and
tortured by demons.
"So, how is everything going?" God asked.
Bill responded with a crackling voice filled with anguish and disappointment,
"This is awful! It's nothing like the Hell I visited the first time!! I can't
believe this is happening! What happened to the other place....with the beaches
and the mountains and the beautiful women?
"That was the demo," replied God.
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Three buddies die in a car crash, and they go to heaven to an orientation.
They are all asked, "When you are in your casket and friends and family are
mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you? The first
guy says, "I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time,
and a great family man."
The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and
school teacher which made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow."
The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say, "Look! He's moving!"
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