A lawyer was on his deathbed in his bedroom, and he called to his wife. She
rushed in and said, "What is it, honey?"
He told her to run and get the bible as soon as possible. Being a religious
woman, she thought this was a good idea. She ran and got it, prepared to read
him his favorite verse or something of the sort.
He snatched it from her and began quickly scanning pages, his eyes darting right
and left. The wife was curious. "What are you doing, honey?" she asked.
"I'm looking for loopholes!" he shouted
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A lawyer addresses an all male jury: "Gentlemen, shall we cast this beautiful,
lonely young lady into a dim cell in a prison, or shall we return her to her
oceanside beach condo, Ocean City, telephone Number 555-4531?"
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A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man
standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink
envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and
starts spraying scent all over them.
His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks
him what he is doing. The man says "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed
, 'Guess who?'"
"But why?" asks the man.
I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.
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In a long line of people waiting for a bank teller, one guy suddenly started
massaging the back of the person in front of him.
Surprised, the man in front turned and snarled, "Just what the hell are
you doing?"
"Well," said the guy, "you see, I'm a chiropractor and I could see that you were
tense, so I had to massage your back. Sometimes I just can't help practicing my art!"
"That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard!" the guy replied. "I'm a lawyer. Do
you see me screwing the guy in front of me?"
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You seem to have more than the average share of intelligence for a man of your
background," sneered the lawyer at a witness on the stand.
"If I wasn't under oath, I'd return the compliment," replied the witness.
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In front of you stand four men: Adolf Hitler, Idi Amin, Saddam Hussein and a
lawyer. You are holding a gun which contains only three bullets. Who do you shoot?
Use all three bullets on the lawyer.
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A doctor and a lawyer were attending a cocktail party when the doctor was
approached by a man who asked advice on how to handle his ulcer. The doctor
mumbled some medical advice, then turned to the lawyer and asked, "How do you
handle the situation when you are asked for advice during a social function?"
"Just send an account for such advice" replied the lawyer.
On the next morning the doctor arrived at his surgery and issued the ulcer-stricken
man a $50 account. That afternoon he received a $100 account from the lawyer.
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A dog ran into a butcher shop and grabbed a roast off the counter. Fortunately,
the butcher recognized the dog as belonging to a neighbor of his. The neighbor
happened to be a lawyer.
Incensed at the theft, the butcher called up his neighbor and said, "Hey, if
your dog stole a roast from my butcher shop, would you be liable for the cost
of the meat?" The lawyer replied, "Of course, how much was the roast?" "$7.98."
A few days later the butcher received a check in the mail for $7.98. Attached to
it was an invoice that read: Legal Consultation Service: $150 .
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A new client had just come in to see a famous lawyer.
"Can you tell me how much you charge?", said the client.
"Of course", the lawyer replied, "I charge $200 to answer three questions!"
"Well that's a bit steep, isn't it?"
"Yes it is", said the lawyer, "And what's your third question?"
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"I'm beginning to think that my lawyer is too interested in making money."
"Why do you say that?"
"Listen to this from his bill: 'For waking up at night and thinking about your
case: $25'."
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