Drinking at Work
While most companies refrain from allowing consumption of alcohol on the premises
, there are some arguments for changing that policy.
Reasons for allowing drinking at work include:
1. It's an incentive to show up.
2. It reduces stress.
3. It leads to more honest communications.
4. It reduces complaints about low pay.
5. It cuts down on time off because you can work with a hangover.
6. Employees tell management what they think, not what management wants to hear.
7. It helps save on heating costs in the winter.
8. It encourages carpooling.
9. Increases job satisfaction because if you have a bad job, you don't care.
10. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.
11. It makes fellow employees look better.
12. It makes the cafeteria food taste better.
13. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted.
14. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.
15. Suddenly, farting during a meeting isn't so embarrassing.
16. No one will remember your strip act at the Christmas Party.
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Chick Drinks
Seven New York City bartenders were asked if they could nail a woman's
personality based on what she drinks. Though interviewed separately, they
concurred on almost all counts.
The results:
Drink: Beer
Personality: Casual, low-maintenance; down to earth.
Your Approach: Challenge her to a game of pool.
Drink: Blender Drinks
Personality: Flaky, annoying; a pain in the ass.
Your Approach: Avoid her, unless you want to be her cabin boy.
Drink: Mixed Drinks
Personality: Older, has picky taste; knows what she wants.
Your Approach: You won't have to approach her. She'll send YOU a drink.
Drink: Wine - (does not include white zinfandel, see below)
Personality: Conservative and classy, sophisticated.
Your Approach: Tell her you wish Reagan had had four more
years...Alzheimer's
and term limits be damned.
Drink: White Zin
Personality: Easy; thinks she is classy and sophisticated, actually has no
clue.
Your approach: Make her feel smarter than she is...
Drink: Shots
Personality: Hanging with frat-boy pals or looking to get drunk...and naked.
Your Approach: Easiest hit in the joint. Nothing to do but wait.
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Beer Labels
Top 13 Warning Labels the FDA is considering placing on beer and alcohol bottles
13. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when
you are not.
12. WARNING: consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an asshole.
11. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story
over and over again until your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN.
10. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.
9. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are
really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning.
8. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell
happened to your pants.
7. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning
and see something really scary (whose species and or name you can't remember).
6. WARNING: consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug
burns on the forehead.
5. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher
, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named Chuck.
4. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.
3. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing
WITH you.
2. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the time-space
continuum, hereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to disappear.
1. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may actually CAUSE pregnancy
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Fruitcake Recipe
You'll need the following: a cup of water, a cup of sugar, four large brown
eggs, two cups of dried fruit, a teaspoon of salt, a cup of brown sugar, lemon
juice, nuts, and a bottle of whiskey.
Sample the whiskey to check for quality.
Take a large bowl. Check the whiskey again. To be sure it's the highest quality
, pour one level cup and drink. Repeat. Turn on the electric mixer, beat one
cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add one teaspoon of sugar and beat again.
Make sure the whiskey is still okay. Cry another cup. Turn off the mixer. Beat
two leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit. Mix on the
tuner. If the fired druit gets stuck in the beaterers, pry it loose with a
drewscriver.
Sample the whiskey to check for tonsisticity. Next, sift two cups of salt. Or
something. Who cares? Check the whiskey. Now sift the lemon juice and strain
your nuts. Add one table. Spoon. Of sugar or something. Whatever you can find.
Grease the oven. Turn the cake tin to 350 degrees. Don't forget to beat off the
turner. Throw the bowl out of the window. Check the whiskey. Check the oven and
wishkey every 5 doneness for minutes.
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