today was bill paying day. for a senior in college, that shouldn't be too big a deal. all i should have is a phone bill of like two bucks and then the rest should be all good
however, it doesn't all work that way. you see, the most outward appearance of rampant, "we don't fucking care if we screw you over" capitalism is the credit card. i come from a family with years of history abusing their credit cards.
when i was a freshman in college, i was a target. hey--i get a free northwestern t-shirt, and i can just cut up the card when i get it. for a while i just used it fr books. then "emergency" food. then i started feeding my magic the gathering habit that was as much a habit as any other addiction. i know that now. i began to buy cd's at my favorite record store, reckless records. "emergency" soon included concert tickets, buying stuff online, whatever i wanted. soon i had a visa card with nine hundred dollars on it, a mastercard with the same, and an american express card with five hundred fifty. this was only because the amex card had a limit of six hundred.
before i was twenty years old, and way before i had a stable job, i had over two grand in debt. fuck.
so my soph year and junior year, i stopped. every once in a while i'd send extra money to a card so that i could order cubs tickets, but then i was still paying for stuff. this summer i got two thousand dollars for golden apple and sent a thousand to pay off my mastercard. that was a weird, empty, but very relieving moment. i've never sent a nin hundred dollar chekc before, let alone to a big black hole out there somewhere.
but then i got to school. i was outta money, financial aid was about three hundred bucks less than i expected, and i had nowhere to turn but the plastic. i got a new chase visa card with a low low low interest rate (when you pay them off, they like you) and transferred the other visa to that. playign the game to get at least less interest. then i had to charge nearly five hundred dollars worth of books. i started charging groceries all the time. cd's sometimes, too.
it has begun again.
but today, today i began the second wave of liberation. my first visa card was paid off when i got the second one. it has a lower rate than the mbna mastercard. mbna sucks anyway, they screwed me over a couple of times.
so i transferred the mbna balance to the visa. and then i did something that made me tremble, and made me happy. really happy.
i cut up the mastercard.
and i taped the pieces, like little decorations, all around my desk.
now, i admit, i still have two, maybe almost three grand in debt. a lot of that is stuff that couldn't be helped--my sister got married, so i got a tux and a hotel and gifts--BAM! two hundred fifty bucks. soon i will get some money reimbursing my books. that's really cool.
but the thing is, i am still in a mound of past things bought. how'd i get here, someone who watched my mom, then my dad, do this? why didn't i learn from them?
because no matter how hard i try, i am still part of consumer culture. it's why i have a playstation with ten games (prolly seven bought on credit), two hundred cd's, a car, and a desire to get a new stereo that i can't afford.
i know when i graduate these credit bills will haunt me. my sis had trouble gettting a car loan when she first got out of school--who will lend money to some hotshot kid who already has two grand plus of bills?
this is the reason why i want to work next year. i want, i need to pay off my bills.i can't fucking stand it. i hate it. and yet i feed into it. at least i have been able to play the game--get the newer cards with better interest rates, and then switch one bill for another.
but if i had to do it all again, i would never ever get that free t-shirt, that visa card with university hall on it. it was the beginning of at least four year's of worries, of fifty bucks a month not lowering my balance.
i think it is because of me that rosemary still hasn't gotten a card. she may have to call family for money, and maybe not get as many cd's or thigns like that, but at least she still just has that fifty cent a month phone bill, and that's all.
thanks for reading this far. hope you took this as a warning. maybe next update will be less...financial. :-)
i remain,
metraboy
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--r. e. m. , "near wild heaven"
