Whoa.
I've haven't heard from her in a while, and she wrote to me about how she read my page and then about how she's been. I felt honored that she told me--I was glad that she trusted me enough to be so honest. She began to apologize for laying it all out in a few sentences, and said that she felt that being this honest was the way that things have to be.
Indeed. Hear, hear.
This revelation prompted so many thoughts. How is she now? Would she seem different next time I see her? What caused the turnaround, from being "as happy as [she] used to be" to this? Could I ask her, or would that be prying that could cause her more problems? Why hasn't something like this happened to me?
Yeah, I often ask myself how I got through my childhood/adolescence without certain psychological disorders (don't read this as "how come i'm not more fucked up like this girl or this other person?" I am well aware that these kinds of things are deeply rooted and often caused chemically and that psyche problems do not equal "fucked up person.")(i'm trying so hard not to say the wrrong thing here--let me know, anyone, if i did). I would say that my homelife was/is pretty tough. Although I got the run of the house, I was also subject to heavy emotional abuse by my mom's second ex-husband, and worse, I got to see HER subject to it as well. Then and now. You'd think by now I would have some issue, that I would have gotten into some kind of depression. Like someone once said, I'm surprised that I survived being a teenager.
But I do have extreme sensitivity problems. I am contantly second guessing friendships and waiting for things to go wrong with the love of my life (hey Rosie), and I have a lot of confidence problems.
Somehow or another, these things have never gotten to the point where I have felt that I REALLY needed counseling (though I have thought about it), or, to the other extreme, I have never seriously considered suicide. I don't know, seriously, how I HAVEN'T gotten to that point. I kind of feel like I should have by now.
Maybe the reason is my temper--I tend to get things out in big explosions (my "friends" in grade school even used to call me "spazz") that may hurt relationships, but keep me from bottling things up too much.
Maybe it is my creativity. Music provides an outlet, as does writing (email is a great stress reliever--unless you are online TOO long).
I think it is very likely that I am just lucky to have friends I can talk stuff out with. That I am extroverted and so can blow off steam about every little thing. That maybe I alienate people who think that I complain too much, but dammit, my life-happiness goes up and my stress goes down.
I dunno. I do feel lucky however. I feel blessed. A toast, to good health, to people who know when they need to seek help, and to those who didn't have the strength to find it.
[Surprisingly] I went on a CD binge today after getting my financial aid credit. I bought a Belle and Sebastian EP for Rosie, the new Poster Children album (which I am listening to right now), a Counting Crows CD single with alternate versions of "Anna begins" and "Round Here," and the solo Ben Folds album that has a track with spoken word by Capt. William Shatner. I don't understand why I can get three CD's for a total of $19.50 (including tax) at Reckless Records, but one CD from Dr. Wax costs $14.99 (plus tax). Moral of the story? Dr Wax is The Man, Reckless rules.
God, I'm tired, I have my radio show tonight, and three classes tomorrow. Bleaugh.
But it's a good bleaugh!
Note that I am gonna date each update the day it feels like it is. So even though this is updated after midnight, it still feels like March 29, so that's what it is dated.
Email me here with comments/ web tips/ encouragement/ poems/ manifestos. If you know me personally, email me my regular nwu.edu address. I added an instant guestbook for those too lazy to email; I might remove it if I feel like this whole thing is getting too clustered.
Finally, thanks for f ' in bein' here. Word.
Metraboy Online
"A million for the masters,
A penny for your thoughts,
Do you ever get the feeling
That You've been written off?"
-- "Wait and See," the Poster Children
