I will say this.. I miss people that I used to hang out with online after my surgery and before my surgery. I know that things have to change for the better, but I don't understand why people do have to run off and be all normal and everything when in fact they have to realize that you came from this. Surgery may be a distant memory for you, but it will always hit you if you have to go for a scan on the stomach area.
But still I miss a lot of people that I used to talk to that got me thru the beginning stages of my surgery attempt.
I still do think of those who had surgery around the same time as I did. (Give or take a few weeks) I know that many of them have either hit their goal or have come close and said "That's it. I feel comfy.. so I'm done."
However, I'm one of the few that haven't reached their goal. I'm one fo the few that have to work extra special hard at this to make it work for me.
And it's with this that I do have a concern, and yes, it's one that is bugging me.
As of late, I've been noticing that I can eat more then what I should be eating. I can actually eat a regular meal and not think twice about it. I ate my chicken Parm last night and by the time I got into Shoprite to buy my cherries, I was freaking out. I could have eaten a lb of cherries on my own before buying them.
if I'm doing a snack, I can eat about 4 oz of cheese, two servings of chicken nuggets (Which a serving is 5 nuggets), at least a half a pound of fruit.... this list can go on.
This bothers me. Where is my restriction? Maybe I blew it out of the water with all the tossing I did post surgery. I don't know.
I was also diagnosed correctly now. I have the Lymphedema. It's in the beginning stages.
I don't understand things here. I get better to have my health take a nose dive again. What is up with that?
I am upset... you're damn right. I have every right to be. I am so far behind in my life. I wanted to be at least back in school by now. Or even dating would have been nice.
Ok... I'm calm... I'm not that upset. I know into one's life a little rain must fall... but I really have to ask. When does the rain stop? When do I have a streak of sunny, bright days where I have the days of like summer? You know.. those carefree happy days?? The days where it seems like you're getting everything you want?
As it stands now, it seems like these days are the days from hell.
I know. It sounds like I am depressed. I doubt that I am. I'm more agitated. I'm beyond angry about things.
Anyhow... time for me to go get ready... TC all.
I guess I'd better explain things now.
SHe was looking into this surgery back in 2002, just after I had mine. I had some hold ups with my own surgery, but as we all know, I'm the first to say if someone's thinking about this to do it. I know it isn't for everyone, but I will say to them, I'm doing things now... and I love it. If you've tried everything, do this. You won't be sorry.
So she got the nerve up to get an appointment and see Dr Williams. Her surgery was this past Monday. She's doing really well, and other then her sugars being high, she's actually in excellent health for being a newbie postie.
For those who read this and are wondering, I may try to get her to come to Philly 2, if that takes shape.
So my time's been with her and my uncle.
Anyhow.. Friday I go for the ultrasound on my legs. They are checking for a DVT or clots. I don't think I have any. I can't find a place to get my stockings or my compression machine.
Anyhow.. this is a shorty this time, because there really isn't too much else to report.
TC all.
Let me get into this.... in a moment.
First I do hope that Dave Sylvester had a safe trip over to Cairo. He will be missed by myself and countless others. I do understand what he's doing and why, and that's why I have to say this. I believe in you and I believe you can do this, Dave. Good Luck and you'll be in my thoughts.
Now... the reason I am upset and depressed.
I went for my ultrasound Friday Morning. Not a big deal. in and out.. it was over. SO I THOUGHT.
I received a call at around 4:30 Friday Afternoon. It was from my primary.
No signs of a DVT or Blood Clots. (Just as I thought.)
HOWEVER!!!!
I was found to have something in the lymph nodes of my left thigh. I believe the word Mass was in there.
I have never been so afraid, unsure.... I am really scared all. I hate to admit it.
This is the first time the word Cancer has been pushed into my forefront of my life. I'm trying to understand this. I'm also trying hard to understand why me.
I'm going to keep this short for now, because I am tired now... after almost 2 days. Besides, I don't have a clue as far as what else can be done for me until Monday, when I get my results.
TC all.. as soon as I get the results from the office, I will post more.
There is something going on in the left thigh... right in the lymph nodes.
Because of my family history with cancer, they want to be safe, and check for lymphatic cancer. So they are doing a CT Scan of 3/4 of my body. This is going to be done on Tuesday.
I am all for this. Let's just get this out of the way, so I can take the next step, which is treatment.
Right now, I'm at the point to where I don't care what it is. I'll deal when I get the results.
Perhaps that's not a good attitude to have. But right now, it's how I'm going to deal and get past it.
I did receive word from Dave the other day. Without getting into details of the letter, he said that the group, and myself included, helped him thru a rough time he was having.
I e-mailed him back and told him, not in so many words, that because he told me that, I have regained my ability to carry on again. He just inspired me not to quit myself. (which is exactly how I put it.) I didn't put any details as to what was going on. I don't want to say anything until I know for sure what's going on.
It's just what I needed. An inspiration. The words of someone to tell me to carry on and that things will work out.
I still don't know if he reads into this, so I just want to thank Dave for doing that. Inspiration comes in many ways and from many people. And sometimes, a butt kicking when you least expect and when you don't know you are doing it helps. I now know that regardless of what happens in these tests, I can handle it, look forward, and take that next step. (And really, that's about all I can do and all I can ask for.)
Anyhow.. time for me to jet... TC all.
I don't know right now what I'm going to do, but I am starting out with a hemotologist.
I need to understand things first before I start treating things as it is seen.
For me, I just came to the realization. This journey is about self discovery. It's about learning to take care of you. (I get it now, Kymber! LOL)
Scary as it may seem, I'm still prepared either way. I know that regardless, it's a life long battle. I also know that it's a battle that I can face.
My weight is a life long battle. Now whatever is going on in my lymph nodes, it's a life long battle. I think I can handle both. If I couldn't.. I don't think I would be handed it.
Life deals you blows. Sometimes too many. It's how you as a human being recover from them that you either perservere from them or fall from them.
ANyhow.. I just wanted to say this. I will post tomorrow what was found. I need to get about an hour or two of sleep.
TC of you.
The word is that there wasn't just one lymph node affected, but several. They work up from the left thigh into the groin. They want me to see a Hemotologist/Oncologist on the 13th. I will then go from there. Biopsy was mentioned.
Before I go with a biopsy, I want a second opinion.
Just this past week, I've learned a few things.
The main thing I've learned is that I am need to focus on myself.
I have to say this.... and this is to someone who's been there with me through it all. (He knows who he is.) You were right, I was wrong. And I am truly sorry from the bottom of my heart.
It is a big deal to me to be saying this, because I know I've said a lot of bad things about you to others, I've played you some, and I know that more then ever, I need you as a friend. I know that we promised regardless of what happened between us, we would remain friends. With what I'm going through right now, I'm asking you to please be patient with me and stick by me. I've never felt so torn over things in my life, and I know that, deep down, I still care a lot about you. (I know.. I need to stay on me right now before I should care about someone else. But let's chalk this up as being the stubborn Irish woman that I am.) There are times where I think you don't understand me, but you do. I thought that my love had died for you, but no.. it's just been missing in amongst the rest of my life. We both know that I'm not to where I want to be. I'm really far from it. I had hoped that by now, I'd be living with someone (like you), either going to school for Nursing or something else, and learning to struggle with them right at my side. I'm struggling now, but with something else. I know that I always have you as a friend, but I'd like you along side of me as well. I know you're not the hospital type of guy. I can't blame you. I know it will be something that we can work on together.
I'm asking for yet another chance. And I'm asking for your forgiveness. I'm asking for all of this because I am still in love with you. This has been hard to admit to, but I know I feel better letting it out. It's funny how even a huge change in lifestyle doesn't change your emotions.
But I digress.. I'm not asking for just anyone to be there with me through this all. I'm breaking down with tears in my eyes, asking you to be there with me. I couldn't think of anyone better to ask who has been an emotional rock for me through it all. Forget the fact that I admitted that I'm still in love with you. Forget the fact that I haven't been a good friend as of late. And forget the fact that I played you a lot. I'm asking as a friend for your help. And that help would be that you be along side of me through this all. I know I'm probably last on your list of women you would want to see, or even be a friend to, and I can't blame you. After the way I've been, I'm even surprised that you take an IM from me.
So how about it? Can I count on you to be there with me physically? I hope I can. I'll be sitting here with tears in my eyes, knowing that I don't deserve someone like you in my life, hoping that you will be there with me through it all, and knowing that I need you now more then ever.
Sorry for the breakdown for the rest of you reading this, but right now, I needed to let this out.
On a side note, Barbara Thompson is going to be in Philly this coming weekend. As a further post op, I really don't need to go to the meeting that she is holding, but I feel that it may just benefit me some by meeting her. I do subscribe to her newsletter. I know that I am excited about it, and I've been spreading the word around about the whole meeting, letting someone know about it who lives near Boston, but will be down this weekend for the Flower Show, so she is coming to it. (You couldn't shut me up about it after I got the information as to where it was held.)
Some say that I have become emotionally attached to this move I have made. I would like to say this. I have this change in me. I live with it. I have to live with it for the rest of my life. Rather then get bitter that I had to refer to surgery to correct the problem, I have to embrace it, move on, and accept the fact that I will have days where I can't eat.
For those who think this surgery is over, not by a long shot. This was only the beginning as far as this change for all of us. I live this surgery day in and day out by the amounts that I eat, the foods that I eat, the vomiting that I do if I eat too fast, too much, or if it's something wrong. I live this surgery everyday with the shrinking clothes that I have. I live this surgery everytime I panic when I have gained even an ounce.
My point is, this isn't over by a long shot. This really is never over for any of us. We took the bull by the horns, but we need to accept that this is our lives now, live with it, deal with it, move on, get a clue as far as our emotional state, all of that happy garbage.
We can change. Sometimes it's for the better.... sometimes, it's for the worst. For myself, I want to see what I can do to better myself, because I didn't have this surgery to turn into a bitter person. Look within yourself and see what you can change as far as the way to better yourself. Make it a reachable goal. For myself, that would be college. I know that this field is what I want to get into. I enjoy helping people. I would be a waste behind the desk, pushing lead around, making myself $60K a year for making decisions that could affect an entire office. I am a people person, and I always look for the better of a person to make things better.
Anyhow.. I think I will wrap this up. The lunches are going well, last month's was a huge turn out. I can only hope that the future lunches are just as great. I am also looking forward to the huge gathering, whenever that is. Lastly, I'm looking forward to the first weekend in April, when I go to see my family, meet up with someone who had WLS the same day I had my gallbladder removed... all of that happy stuff. That's about all I want to surround myself with... Happy garbage.
Oh last tip for ladies who get a time of the month... Women's Tylenol is one of the best things out there. I am feeling no cramps at all right now, and 24 hours before, I was feeling pain like you wouldn't believe. Give it a try. It's pretty good stuff.
Anyhow... TC all... Time for a nap.