Wait.. it is with gladness that I must say..
Ahh Whatever...
The gallbladder is GONE!
And I'm going to be honest... the recovery is a rough one.
I have had so many problems eating since the removal, it isn't funny. I lived off of Jello for a little bit, I keep pushing myself to get back onto the track so I can lose weight, but it's rough.
I work on trying to get my protein in every day.
It is with this that I regret going thru this surgery. Not my Weight Loss Surgery, but the removal. I know that it had to go, but it has been a huge struggle.
I have no energy. I have not much of anything left in me as far as energy.
Now... I want to comment on the whole happenings of Spotlight.
While many know I have aliases on Spotlight, I don't use mine to cause trouble.
That's right. I don't use mine to cause trouble. I use mine to check the chat room to see if anyone I want to talk to is in there.
I don't consider myself a troublemaker. I don't consider myself the one who would have to say something behind someone's back.
I will say this, however. IfYouSeeKay, I know PERSONALLY... and she's devastated by what is going on there. Spotlight was supposed to be a place for support.
However, with all these people coming on, defending trolls, defending the attacks... it has me questioning whether I want to be a part of such a group because not only did I NOT get the support I needed when I was in trouble with my gallbladder issue, I just feel like many hate me.
Now come on... Can I ask a silly question here? Isn't that what Spotlight was SUPPOSED to be about?? SUPPORT WHEN YOU HAVE A PROBLEM?
I thought it was.
So with that, I will say this. Chat is the only place I hang out anymore. I love my chat, and I love my live support I can get and give. It's as simple as that.
As for my board status, I am goen from Spotlight. It's as simple as that. Before anyone starts getting upset, I am on another board, and I'm moderating another area. It's peaceful, which is where I want to be right now, because I have had enough HELL in my life, and quite frankly, I have the time right now to be moderating. When I can't anymore, I will let the administrators know on that board that I can't do it, and I will help them find a suitable replacement.
Lastly, I will say this. Those who supported the trolls are to blame for the boards going down in flames. Those who shake their head at my decision, you're not helping either. I will also say that the boards may be closed down. Even tho I know that many of you that use the boards will not be happy, I will also say this. It's because no one would do anything about it that it came to that.
Now.... I will take my act on the road, and do what I do best. Support.
For those of you who started out under, say 350, you may not understand this. But hopefully you do. But for those who started out heavier then that, I'm sure you'll understand this.
Goal for me is 180. I am going to not settle for less. I refuse to accept anything lower.
Goal for those who start out as heavy as I have, it's like a walk when you're abou 200 + lbs overweight. You struggle to get to your destination.
The day I stepped foot onto my surgeon's scale for the first time and I saw 488 lbs, I thought, oh great.. I will NEVER SEE the 100's, Maybe the 200's... but definitely NOT the 100's.
It was then I decided to make myself learn the diet that I would be on after I had this. I made myself sit down at the computer and type it out so that I would absorb the words into my head.
It was this act that helped shape me in my post op diet. To this day, I'm always looking for ways to get in extra protein, because I am always certain that the extra protein in the day will help keep the weight loss rapid.
While I do cheat and have things with carbs in them, I stick with mostly protein. If it don't have enough protein in it, I am saying the heck with it. (Unless it's part of my meal, like a side of something.)
Weighing in at 292 has made it worthwhile in driving my family and friends nuts when it came to tracking all over Johnny Moorey Town to get the latest craving I've had in protein, the latest sugar free product, and the latest kick I've had. (Which today would be Swiss Cheese, International Foods' French American Sugar Free, Sugar Free Tang, and Bananas.)
I will update my site's stats within the next day or so to show this reflection. I also will be getting photos tonight so I can post them on here as well.
And now, with that said, I am going off to my aunt's house. I do keep active, and this is part of that.
TC all.. and I will post more in the next day or so when I'm not being rushed out the door, like I am now.
This past weekend, I kept down some chicken. (Yeah Me!!) A lot of my tolerance issues I had before my gallbladder removal have changed.
Does this mean I'll cahnge my diet?? No way... if it means that I should go back to carbs, I won't!
I had an issue that someone had mentioned on another site which involved part of my past. I thought long and hard about it before I replied to it.
Basically, I must admit. I have been sabotaging myself to a degree because I do know that I'm going to start getting the look overs.
For those who say this isn't a mental change, you're wrong. I live with the mental changes that this brings to me everyday. Almost 15 months later, I live with the fact that I am being successful at something. I live with the comments that I'm really shaping up. I also live with the reality that I should make my goal.
There was a price to pay in this. Something I never thought possible. I sold my soul into this. Perhaps I need to step back for a day or two and think long and hard about things. Or perhaps I know where I should be and where I need to go, I just need to get the ball rolling.
So with that, I made a call yesterday. I asked how my benefits would be affected if I were to go to college.
I don't see myself doing anything else but getting back into school and doing what I feel is right for a change. Before this, I didn't know what was right. I see my life as the great thing that is coming around. I don't see, however, where being thin ties into that. I do see where my health ties into it.
I made a small boo boo in my process, and it could have cost me my life. I made a huge boo boo, and it cost me 4 months of sheer hell on my trek to get down in weight. I made a gigantic boo boo and it cost me 7 months of sheer hell in pain, nausea, and vomitting.
That boo boo? I never made it a point to take care of myself and put other things in front of my health.
Last night, in the chat room, I had someone tell me that they were ever sorry they made this move, and they wish I would have been more honest about things. I am honest about things, but I do tend to sugar coat at times, because I do feel that not everyone is going to go through what I went through. I had 14 months of sheer hell. This month has been the first month where I feel like conquering the world. (Yet I sit here with a slight cold. How strange.)
I will also say this, and this is for a lot of the people who deal with the place I went to with my WLS. I do a lot of calls, a lot of e-mails, and a lot of board postings. I also, when I get the chance, go down to the hospital to visit people that are in. I love being able to do that, and it gets me back on track, because I know that if I don't watch it, I could end up back in the same boat.
So for that, I'm grateful. The Pre-ops have no idea how much of an effect they have on a postie. Keep fighting the good fight, pre-ops, because your day will come.
I would also like to post on here about my last experience with Dr Williams. (Not last as in it would probably be the last time I see him, but my latest.)
Of course, as everyone knows, I had my gallbladder removed by him. I wasn't
A. Going for another surgeon to remove it because it was a WLS complication, B. I knew if another surgeon removed it, they would possibly screw up my RNY,
and C. I felt more confident in him doing the removal, since he is the one that did my RNY.
I woke up the morning after my removal, and other things that happened, and went and walked. I came back to the room, sat down for a little bit, then decided to lay back down and was going to try to sleep a little. At that time, rounds came around. So I sat up, with a blanket from my waist down wrapped around me, and I waited for them to come in. (Not knowing that Dr Williams would be in to see me.)
Well the residents came in, and I showed off my scar. I also showed off my drain.
About 5 minutes later, in he walks. I was just about to get comfy and drink a little ice water. Instead, I was back up on the side of the bed, showing things off again.
I was told about my release, and I was told that things were going to come out that day. Though these things were concerns, they weren't as much of a concern as the next statment that would come out of my mouth.
I extended my right hand out. I said, I have to say this, as I extended it out. He knew what was coming. He shook my hand, and I said Thank you for making me feel awesome for the first time in 14 months. (I meant it too.) I could have cried, but I choked back that emotion. I think one more shade of red, and he would have been purple. (Yikes.)
The next day, he got a group thank you from the support group and a huge round of applause. Another moment where he was ten shades of red. (So humble, he is.)
To this day, I get better. To this day, I think about the price I paid. It has been so well worth it. Never in a million years did I think I would be the one to walk 2 miles in about a half hour. I know I would have never done this if it weren't for Dr Williams. The man is a god in my book, and will always have my upmost respect.
Anyhow.. I do have new photos up. Enjoy them. That's all for now.
I love getting the B-12. I feel energetic after I get it. I feel like I could conquer the world.
Christmas is one month away. I think ahead and I also think back.
Last Christmas, I got almost everything I wanted. I was surprised by things.
This Christmas, I'm not one for surprises. I've never really been one for that stuff.
I am guessing that this falls into my "I enjoy Giving over getting."
I have adopted two kids for Christmas. I adopted a kid who's 15 and wants earrings and a CD Player for Christmas, and I have to buy for a kid who's in Children's Hospital. I enjoy doing this, as I know that I didn't have much for Christmas when I was growing up. I have all that I want and need material wise for now, and by doing this, I feel it makes me a better person.
I also undertook getting presents from the support group at HUP for the nutritionists, the trainer, and the office staff. I won't post what I have so far, but let's just say that all will be surprised with the efforts that we put forth this year in such a short time.
I love being able to give. Giving is my release from things that are bad, and it is a release from my current problems. It reinforces that I'm not as bad off as I thought.
I think ahead. What does Life hold for me? What can I do to improve my chances of being the happy one, since I haven't been happy with my life as a whole?
I think in the present. Who am I? What am I doing? What am I looking at getting from things?
I think my only Christmas wishes for this year are these:
To be Happy.
To be Healthy.
I know it's every single gal's wish, but To find someone. (Those who know me well know what I'm saying.)
That's all. I don't need too much in material. (Ok.. maybe my TV hooked up with Cable and a VCR to record my Miami Vice.)
Also, since I know I'm getting a DVD Player, I would like Slapshot in DVD form. Slapshot is a classic, and one of my alltime favorite movies.
Let me explain Slapshot quickly. I saw this movie for the first time when I was 23. I had just hit for over $100 that day at the casino in Connecticut. I made it my ritual to watch the movie both before and after the trip.
I watched the movie when I was 25 before, and I went up and won just in one day's time over $3600.
But the real meaning of the movie is what I watch it for. The true meaning of this movie is that you can be an underdog and still come out on top. You can be at the bottom of the barrel and still come out a winner. The movie shows me that everytime I watch it.
I am an underdog in general. I do plan on coming out on top.
I was reminded this past week that I said something, when in fact I didn't say it. I went on to say that I didn't say it, and that I didn't say the statement after that, but made an interpretation of it.
This statement I said after I didn't take credit for something that was said? "This isn't a sprint; It's a marathon."
We didn't gain this weight overnight. We won't lose this weight overnight.
We put up these walls for some strange reason. We are going to have the hardest time to take them down. They are the longest ones to tear down as well. (I know this all too well.)
So I'll run on. I plan on hitting the finish line. I don't know when. If I'm the last one who hits the finish line from the people who had surgery the same day as me, or for those who started out at my weight, and they all have left the area, so be it. I will know that I finished the race, I won the battle, and that I will start a new race, and that will be in maintaining my weight.
This is why I'm tough on myself. I hate to cut myself slack when I mess up. I want to finish this race. I've settled for second best all of my life, and it's time to settle for first best.
So I push the extra protein. I try to push more water. I try to push more walking. I do what it takes to make me a success in my eyes. My best isn't good enough for me right now, and I can correct that.
I'm not a quitter. I'm a runner. And so, run on is what I must do.
And with that, I will say TC. Time for bed, as I have to be up in a couple of hours for my shots.
I always got my flu shot every year since I was 20, regardless if I could afford to or not. Just that now with being a Post Op, It's more important for me to have it because of the problems that a post op can face with dehydration.
I now look onto things, but take a step back in my life yet again.
On December 1st, I woke up with my socks slouched down to my ankles. This was nothing unusual, as my socks are ones that are made for those who have poor circulation. (For those who are trying to envision it, think of the late 80's and the slouch socks that the gals wore. That's about what they are.)
So I tried to pull them up. The right side pulled up... but the left side... it wasn't going up.
I started to pull out and up. Just as I did that, I felt a slight pull from inside of my leg. I also felt something wet. (I actually felt no pain at all and still do not to this day in the legs.)
I looked down and saw that there was drainage coming from this area. I also saw drainage that had hardened up on the sock as well.
I treated the wound as best as I could. I also called my primary, as I have to watch these things.
Seems he wants some tests on my legs. I should have been ok with my legs. I should have never developed the sore, the blisters that are like pimples, and the swelling. After all, I have dropped almost 200 lbs.
He also wants to see me sometime next week.
It just seems like it's one thing after another. Almost like I'm being told, you can't think of getting your life in order.
I just want to say that whoever is pulling the strings, you're so wrong. I plan on trying to get my life back in order. You have not succeeded in trying to hold me back again.
Funny thing about this sore, I developed it the day I started my Medicare.
I am also looking at getting a new machine. This old one don't fit me anymore in the leg cuffs. This old one also is a bit noisy, so it's hard to sleep with it on, when in fact I have to.
I will also admit what I admitted in another date's posting. I have been sabotaging myself. I know that I need to stop myself.
I also filled out a survey that I've been involved with for the past 17 months since my psych consults. I was asked about sexual and physical violence in this survey. I can't deny the past. I put down that this was the case for me. (I won't get to the details of anything for now, as they are lengthy.) For many who expect hugs from me and don't get them, this would be why I'm not a huggy feely type of person.
I have the strongest suspicion that the past is why I have been doing the sabotaging, and I will be talking with the psych dept at Penn, as I want to know the details of if I can just go back to them or if I have to use someone else for this.
I have been doing a lot of reflection again. I've met so many wonderful people on my journey. (On the phone, online, and in person.) I've also met some jerks on my journey as well. But regardless, it's what I take from those who are wonderful that make me believe that it's possible for anything.
Perhaps it's time I seriously rethink the distrust factor. I need to rewind things, look at them, and push myself into the right direction in this. Removing the distrust isn't going to be an easy task, but it's one that I will gladly take on if that's my next step.
At times, tho, I feel that my burdens are a bad privilige that I share only. My suffering seems to be things that will sometimes not make me, but break me. While I do see the joys in life, it's not easy when you are the one who goes from one thing to another and then to another.
Perhaps, it's time I step back from things and re-examine myself. I feel like I lost the way. But then again, I think is there a right way to do things?
Struggling with who you are is something that you will do regardless of where you are in your journey. I'm sure on that. Even tho I know who I am and what I'm after, I know that I'm impatient and want things like last month. Patience isn't one of my qualities.
So I will have to learn it.. no big deal.
Lastly, I'll quote a Christmas tune that I just finally heard, and I'm sure has been out for a while. "I wish a one horse open sleigh would come carry me away, and I'll keep waiting until next May, Until Christmas comes my way." For me, Christmas hasn't come. I feel like Christmas will get here when I'm where I'm supposed to be in life, and that's in a career, married, family.. all of that. Oh and at Goal.
Oh and one last thing... I just remembered. I get to see the Eye Dr on Friday. I will let everyone know if I am going to be getting eye glasses or not, since I have been having problems with reading things. (And yes, this would be why I have been having problems with typos.)
With that.. TC all... I'll be posting before the Holidays.