Let me first get into my past.
For those who don't know, I was abused as a kid. It's not easy to admit to in a public forum as this is, as anyone has access to my page, but it's one that I need to own up to if I want to start getting past things.
I was really young when things happened. (Three and a half.) The way things went down were not fun or pleasant as someone's first sexual experience should be. It should also be noted that I knew the persons involved in this life changing event for me. A year of the abuse is long enough to damage a person's life. And even one event makes you really think long and hard as to how you should treat things, especially when you're the only one who knows what happened to you. (Besides the person that abused you.)
These were people that I had no choice but to trust. I was being watched by them. To this day, I cower at the thought of things that could take me back to that moment. I get overly nervous if someone's looking my way and thinking, She's got the potential to be someone to me. I also cower at the thought of being alone with someone, tho I've done it and it wasn't too bad. But that took 2 years to even meet him in person.
I will admit that I did love the person that I met, but because of my past, it ruined any possible part of the future I could have had with him. Perhaps he wasn't "The One" as some have said. This is possible. I can only hope that friends is what he and I remain.
The feeling for guys isn't dead; it's the feeling of what if things do happen that frightens the hell out of me. I have met some wonderful men in my journies. I have hoped to have something with the ones I've met. But maybe this was their way of telling me "Not Yet, Mags, Not Yet." I will say this. It's because of this that I feel like the ugly duckling that no one wants. (Or the ugly butterfly that everyone is trying to kill because they think I'm a moth.)
And it's because of this that I feel like nobody knows this but me. Perhaps I'll get lucky, meet someone who will help me on this, and develop something out of it. I don't know.
It is because of this that I've been reflecting and listening to a lot of music that reminds me of the guys I've met. Escape. Bad Company. Just Wait. Rock Of Ages. Mary Jane's Last Dance. All of these songs remind me of the guys I've met in the past 10 years.
However, I know that to have a present and future, I need to push past the past. I met at least one person I know that I am honestly feeling a lot for. He knows it. (At least I hope he remembers that I owned up to part of my feelings.) But perhaps because of my insecurities to my past, I could have ruined that chance with him. I can only hope that down the line, if not now, I am given that chance with him, as I know how I would treat him. (And it would be definitely different from what I've heard and seen, as I feel he deserves nothing but the best treatment.) And it is because of that insecurity that I really should think about seeing someone about it.
Now onto the second thing.
If you've read my ramble of what I feel about rehabbing, Then you'll understand the picture reference I'm about to make. The purple line. It's a path that we have to cut for ourselves. This is why we get lost.
I know with myself I've gotten lost over physical things in the past, but this time, it's psychological. It's something I know I have to work through.
I don't mourn the loss of food. I never did. I felt it was the best thing I did by giving up the food. I know. Then why am I sabotaging myself? It's emotional.
You see, the one thing that I knew best in my past was to be destructive to my relationships and to myself. I was volatile. I basically would become violent about things, but not physically to others. To myself, yes. It took my WLS, and then meeting someone to push myself into believing that I didn't have to be this way. This wasn't the way a lady acted. (Or should act.)
So now I think ahead, back, and everywhere in between. I still admit that I don't trust that much. But I feel ready to, and don't know how to start. (Maybe someone can help me out on that.)
I'm not a huggy feely type of person in general. It takes a special reasoning or special someone for me to be that huggy feely type. Today, I realize that. And I hope it's tommorow that I start with the huggy feely things, but I know only one step at a time.
Welcome to my world, both presurgery and post surgery.
I'm not totally miserable. I am getting my health back. But to me, what good is that if I don't have someone to share my life with? What good is it if I'm not doing what I do best, and that's helping others or doing for others? Perhaps I use this as a compensation for my distrust and my excuse to be self destructive. Perhaps I use this as my outlet for making myself feel better and pulling myself out of the thoughts of what happened to me.
And perhaps this has been why I've always been a one guy type of gal. Trust me, if I wasn't, I would have acted on some temptations a long time ago. But I haven't. I know my own pain stops me from doing that. And I know that the pain that others cause to those they love is the one thing that really stops me. I can't deny that while with a guy, I called them some other guy's name. This is how I knew it was over between me and that guy.
I've also dealt with my share of heartache. I lost someone who was due to be my fiancee at 16. (Matter of fact, December 30th will make it 13 years since the day. It does get easier in time... believe me.) I understand why I am not his wife. I do get why his death happened. It was serving as a wakeup call for me to take care of this part of my life. (Plus, the fact that there was someone better out there for me. Not that I have them yet.)
For now, tho I will end it with this, Quoting the chorus to a Janis Joplin Song:
Come on, Come On... and Take it.. Take another piece of my heart now baby
OH Break it.. Break another little piece of my heart now baby
have another little piece of my heart baby, You know you got it, if it makes you feel good.
The past 2 years has been one huge emotional roller coaster for me. I end up breaking my feelings for someone I had before my surgery for someone I met not too long ago in another part of the internet. I went thru a huge change in my life. I even made my past become something that I have had to make clear has to be laid to rest.
Nothing prepared me for what I had heard on Saturday at the end of my Support Meeting.
I think a little prefacing is in order?? Yes.. so let's.
When I went to my first support meeting, there was someone who would walk into these meetings late. I looked at him the first time and thought, There is NO WAY this guy had WLS. He's too buff!
The next month, he made an announcement that he was not going to be around until sometime in the fall, as he was doing some type of tour. I forget the exact phrasing. I left it at that.
When he came back, I had already had my surgery, and was getting up in the post op stages. I think I had dropped like 76 lbs when he came back.
Flashforward to April, May and June on my end. I couldn't make the support meetings, because I was going out of town in April, going to the gathering in May and I needed time to make myself look stunning, and in June, I was going to Disney World.
In May, I was standing outside smoking a cigarette. Not a habit I'm proud of, mind you, but one I'm addicted to. Up walks Dave. He right away knew me, which floored me.
We (by we, I mean my mother, myself, and Dave) got into talking outside. I would come to find out that he was looking to get sponsorship to do a bike ride across Africa. I was thinking, when this happens, I'm sure at that point, I may be away from the meetings.
But the one thing he did, and this constantly during the night he was there, he razzed me about my smoking. I made a crack at him that he must have been reading my website. (Which would not surprise me, because I do make my website publically known.)
It made me see that maybe I'm being an idiot by smoking, but it's of course a habit I've been trying to break with no success.
Flashforward to September. I was involved in a shoot already for the Penn Website, but little did I know that I was going to be part of another one.
Dave walks into the September meeting and points in my direction and says, "You! I want to talk to you before you leave here!" I'm looking puzzled and said me? Yes, you!
Ok... what's going on here, ran thru my mind.
When the end of the meeting came to, I was talking to a few people, who were asking me questions. I tend to make my rounds before and after meetings, talking to people about this surgery and how it's helped me.
I walked over to get my purse, and told everyone who was waiting for me, because we were going to do Angel Duty after the meeting, that they needed to wait for me a moment, because I needed to get over to talk to Dave.
Just as I was about to walk over to him, he made his way over to me. He was talking about an exercise video that he was doing for WLS patients. I then got asked by him, SO how about you? I decided to do it right then and there. I'm one who don't mind signing my name to projects regarding WLS.
I went down to a Rooftop shoot the next day. It kept pouring down off and on that day. While everyone ate Pizza, I ate my cheese and drank my water. I was a good post op regarding my diet, and of course, I had to be, because I knew if I wasn't, I would suffer a gallbladder attack.
I got asked about my smoking while there. Of course, I didn't lie, and said I was cutting back. Not a lie, because I didn't really want to be smoking when I was at Hershey. (Which, BTW, didn't happen. I was still smoking in Hershey.) I was razzed again.
The time that I had spent that day down there made me realize. Dave is trying to be a friend. Maybe he knows something I don't... maybe he's helping in trying to shape me into a better person then I already am.
Now.. back to the announcement he made Saturday.
He announced at the end of the meeting that he was going to be out of the country for a while, and wouldn't be back for a meeting until May, if we let him come back.
When he said he was going out of the country, I knew right away, he got his sponsorship to do the bike tour across Africa.
I was happy for him. When I saw him getting ready to take off, I excused myself and ran over to give him a hug and told him that he would be in both my mother and I's thoughts and prayers for a successful run.
It was at that moment I realized. He had been kicking my butt when I was at the shoot and he was kicking my butt at the gathering.
It made me sad. Someone there to kick my butt is what I needed. I'm there to kick someone's butt back into place the minute I see a posting, but when it comes down to it, I need the kicking myself at times. I know I have others to do this... just the way he did it that helped me.
So it got me thinking. If he can do this, I can do what I need to do to improve myself.
I can break my habit of smoking. I can keep on my post op diet. Those are nothing compared to doing a bike tour across another Continent.
So Dave, if you are reading this, know that your butt kicking has gotten thru to me. I know, it's taken 7 months, but I never claimed to be the brightest bulb in the lightbulb box. (And something about a dependency to something always stops you from believing it can be possible to live life without it.) I do wish you the success in this journey. You had better come back to the meetings, as I know I'm not going anywhere. (At least that I'm aware of. I'm a lifer at the support meetings.) I will look forward to finding out how my mother and myself can keep up with your journey. You have earned my respect, and for that, I am proud to call you a friend.
Now.. Onto the other news.
You read correctly. I met Dr Williams back 19 months ago, on April 16, 2002. I weighed in at 488 lbs. So since that consult, I dropped 202 lbs. I dropped the average 6 foot male.
Of course, since my surgery, which was 16 months ago, I dropped 194 lbs.
If I could be a friend for a moment on here as well, I know that one of my good friends is hurting right now.. I dont' knwo what's up, but I knwo they were putting themselves down when I was in the chat one night last week.. and so a personal message to them.. Reach out to me.. I'm always there for you. I can't help you if you don't tell me what's up.
Lastly, I found out that I do need glasses. This is going to be a huge change for me, because I only used to use glasses for reading only, and that was as a kid. I haven't needed glasses since I was 16. (My weight kept getting blamed on my vision trouble, which to me was assinine.)
So... I will be posting pics on this. I wil be getting them within the next week, so I'll have them in time for my Christmas Dress pics.
Which reminds me, I need to lay out the pattern for that... so I will run and do that.
TC all.
Now that all is over with the Holiday Gift program, I will say that I was stressed out by it, but when it came down to giving everyone their gifts, I felt the joy of giving and it made it all worth while. This is about the only thing I like about this time of the year.
I'm not really a needy person per say. I do not like to get much of my own. Hell, I try to outdo anyone if they bought me more then what I got them.
My mom is prime example.
She bought me, and I know what she got me this year as I was around when she bought me everything, a Tigger knit cap and gloves, a DVD Player, my two Care Bears that I've been after for years, which would be Goodnight Bear for sleeping with, and my Good Luck Bear, and there was something else, but I can't remember.
All I got my mom was her sewing case so that she could put her scissors, pins, and stuff like that into it, her DVD Player for her room, and a teapot. I also have picked her up a Mickey Mouse Tote and a Sapphire Tennis Bracelet. I want to pick her up two more things, but she won't let me. I am going to ask for a couple of dollars here and there.. or maybe gyp her out of her change once, and on Christmas Day, when we go to my aunt's, tell her to stop off and let me get a refill on my mug and walk in and buy her her mug. (The Brew Keg that 7-11 has, because I like mine and I know that she drinks enough Tea to warrant one.)
I also got her one of those new silicone hand treatments that Avon has. (The Mickey Mouse Tote and bracelet are from Avon as well.)
You know... all I really want for Christmas is three things... and this don't include my glasses that I'm trying to be patient on waiting for. (I know that when they did the lens prescription for me, the headaches went away when I had the right glass in.)
I know I said this before... but all I want is this:
To be Healthy, to be happy, and to find the right person to share my life with. Everything else in my life is of material value. I don't want too much, and I don't need too much.
This weekend, I'm headed down to see my dad and grandparents. I think a lot of how my life could have been with them around after my surgery. I don't think they would have liked my decision at first. I know right now they would have.
I am forever changed. This is my identity. I live with it.
And I'm happy with it.
Happy Holidays everyone. May you all get what you want for Christmas. I know I've gotten two out of three gifts... and that really isn't bad at all.
If I could touch on something a minute here.
Tomorrow makes 13 years since I got the call that sent my world crashing. I can only hope that I sent my world back into an upward spiral from it.
I think back to the night before. I think about the call I received. I think about my life in general. I know that because of things after that, I'm changed from it.
So Ian, I know you are reading this somewhere. Know that this world isn't the same without you. Many people have been touched by your short life. I can only hope that small scholarship fund that was set up in your memory helps a future musician go to school to be a musician or teach music.
Know that I missed you walking down the hallway bragging about how Rickley wanted you to try out for districts, how I miss you screaming out in the middle of an auditorium "Go to Blazing Hell!", and how I miss the companionship of you in general.
You are still sorely missed 13 years later.
Another person I would like to touch on right now is Def Leppard's Late Guitarist. Steve Clark.
As many of you know I've described him in one of my earlier rants. So I won't get into his ability.
I will however get into his addiction.
Steve-o. I just have to understand something. And this is for my own understanding, because I underwent a gastric bypass to improve my own health, and I'm now being faced with some of the same stuff that helped me get into my problem of my weight. I have to know how is it that you allowed the alcohol to re-enter your life after you cleaned up. I know you're not around to answer it. I wish you were, as you could help me understand how to beat other addictions to things, junk food being my downfall.
This world is all the more poorer for you not being here. You had the talent... the ability.. and you showed them all. You helped make Def Leppard come to the top of the charts with Pyromania and Hysteria. I'm sure if your untimely death didn't occur, you would have done more with that as well.
But I just have to understand why, for my own sake here, as I am one who battles an addiction everyday I wake up. I actually battle two addictions, but one at a time here. I want to battle my food addiction again and get that squared away so I can battle my smoking addiction.
As your mark comes up on January 8, 2004, this makes also 13 years that you have been gone from here. All this time, I've asked myself many questions surrounding your death, but that one very question still pops into my mind every time now that I listen to you wail a riff in Pyromania, when I see the Def Leppard Story on VH1, when I see Behind the Music: Def Leppard, and yes, even now that I'm battling and fighting my own addictions. Why and how?
Focusing on myself here now...
I know where my problems are coming into play. I have the physical temptations in front of me. I know the minute they are gone, I won't have to deal with them. I need to pull those temptations away from me and make it so that I don't have them around me at all.
I also have to deal with the fact that I live with a person who claims they don't have a weight problem. I know they do. I can't stop her. I can only contribute my eating habits towards her.
I guess my bottom line is this for myself. I need to look at things and put things back that we don't need. If it isn't protein based, if it won't help me in my losing weight, we don't need it. This is what I did before my gallbladder issues. It was after I started my gallbladder issues that I started with going off my diet.
So that quart of Orange Sherbet in the fridge is going, going, gone. I had it around because I had a really bad sore throat. I could have bolstered this up by whipping up a strawberry protein shake instead of going with Orange Sherbet.
I also need to examine my choices of other things as well. I have been snacking on things like chocolate, sugar free cookies. I don't need these things.
These are like alcohol is to those who are addicted to it. It don't matter if you have the non-alcoholic version of a drink. Once you get the taste of it, it's in your system, and it's going to defeat you. You need to get away from it and fast.
And this is my problem now. I'm back to the addiction. I need to break it and get it so I'm back on track and losing faster then I was before my gallbladder issue. I want to be at 200 lbs by the time my two year mark comes. I have 86 lbs to go. I can do it.
I also want to be off the smoking. I know that I can do this as well. I just need to assert some will power. I did quit before for almost 4 months. I picked it back up when it came time for my consult, because of the stress from it. I know I can break this habit again, and I will.
Two New Years resolutions. One person. I hope I can handle it.
TC and Happy New Years All.