Today, so far, hasn't been a bad day as far as eating. I threw up so far only once, and that was because I ate things too fast. (Almost like I never ate before in my life.) Sucks to be me, but I WOLFED down a 1 oz piece of meat. I should KNOW better, and now I'm paying the price for this.
Today, I ate two waffles. I know... before you say anything... these are good ones. A company called Van's makes these All Natural Waffles that are made Gluten Free, Yeast free, No Eggs.... and two of the ones I had have 5 g of protein. The Belgium Waffles are called 7 grain ones. They have 10 g of protein for two waffles as well. (So really it isn't a bad choice at all!!)
I had these with some left over European butter that I had from when I got things at Disney, and I had some Sugar Free Syrup. Not bad at all.. but I am a little on the blah side with the syrup. I'll have to find a new syrup, because I can't seem to find one I like.
Anyhow.. I'm approaching my one year mark next month. I have started an e-mail for that; I haven't sent it because it just isn't being sent until the week of my one year mark.
As I reflect back on that one year, I look at my old postings. I realize that there are SOO MANY PEOPLE I miss. A lot of them are the old timers. I nkow that they got their life back, but still, it would be nice once in a great while to see them to catch up with how they are doing.
Alright.. Time to toss the 1 oz of meat that I didn't take my time on eating. TC all... and I will update when I do find out my results.
These were just about the words I got from my primary this afternoon when he called with the results. (Of course, he used my full first name, as it's what's on his charts and I have no problem with him calling me by my real first name.) I wanted to reach thru the phone and slap him for putting it that way. I also could have reached thru the phone and hugged him for helping me find this was my problem.
Gall stones. Who would have thunk? LOL (Sorry Annette, but I stole your question! LOL)
It's somewhat of a load off my mind. Knowing that this is treatable makes things just drop from my mind. The idea of surgery isn't entertaining. (I mean, let's get real here, WHO LOVES to be cut open?) No offense, Dr Williams, you know I love you dearly for what you did for me, but I know that I sure as hell don't list having surgery as one of my hobbies. (Tho I should, since this will be my second surgery in the past 18 months, and I'll have at least two more after I'm done my weight loss.)
It don't help that I am taking tylenol for the pain level that not even Dilaudid was helping. I can only say this. July 30th can't come soon enough. My surgery can't come soon enough after that. But I'm taking that appointment for now. I asked to be placed on a cancellation list, and will call everyday to see if something sooner came up. I also have to summons my test results, a referral, and who knows what else. (I'm surprised they don't want your first born male child too. LOL) But I've dealt with things for 4 months. I can deal a little more, and if something does go wrong, I will call the resident on call and see what they say to do. I can hang for two more weeks if it comes to that.
As I sit here crunching on my saltines to calm my stomach down, sucking down sips of tea, I am also reminded that Hershey will be coming up shortly. Hmm... Looks like I'll be tryign to get around having a surgery that week and the couple of days after that. (I will be partying HARD up there, and I want to at least look like I wasn't partying hard there.) I generally don't like to work things around my schedule when it comes to my health, but I have commited to coming to this, I also committed to helping out with the name tags again, so I really DO have to go.
I know I said this earlier in the month, but It's now techincally after Midnight here, so now I'm being politically correct in this. Happy Anniversary, JR. My god, look at how time flies, and look at the weight come off. It seems like yesterday you were being chewed out for not eating enough calories, and it seems like two days ago you went in for this. You've become an old pro at this. I'm far from it. (Crunching on another saltine) Yes I have said Men suck as far as doing the WLS thing because they lose so much faster then Ladies do. I do mean that with some respect tho. So be sure you go do something special for youself. You deserve it. (Besides, your angel said so. LOL)
With all of that said, I am headed off to try and put more of my Disney story in so that I eventually can put the link on my page. My story is holding up the completion of my other website. I may even try to sleep tonight. LOL
TC all... and I'll post more after my appointment on the 30th, or sooner if I can't take anymore.
Or does it mean that? I know that I will have to follow new guidelines when I have my gall bladder removed. I also know that I shrunk my pouch, so I have a good 6 to 12 months to rebuild it's capacity.
THere's no way that I'll have things in order to worry about this until at least September or October. I don't care. I'm going to Hershey. REGARDLESS.
I would be an idiot if I didn't mention what's going on in the past couple of days. I can't eat. PERIOD. I'm on clear things. I have attempted more then once to eat every day, and so far it's either nauseated me or made me throw up. It also causes the right sided pain. This is why I am hoping that when I go on the 30th, I will be put in. I can't take it anymore. I know that I have been trying my best, but when the body don't cooperate with you, it makes it tough.
I know I shouldn't be taking them, but I found something to kill the pain for now, but I won't be using it too much. Aleve. I will more then likely use that for when I'm ready to try to go to bed.
I hate to be the whiner and the problem child. I would trade anything to have a smooth journey now. I would trade ANYTHING to be healthy and be able to eat something. I would trade anything to be able to lose weight, feel great, and be able to do the stuff I did before all my problems of not being able to eat much. ANYTHING.
Lastly, I think I'm going to post the lyrics of the song I was listening to when I was on my way down for surgery 11 months ago. TC and Enjoy.
White Lightning
Lyrics by: Phil Collen, Joe Elliott, John "Mutt" Lange, and Rick Savage
No Promises
No Guarantees
When you come down here
You're already on your knees
You wanna ride White Lightnin'
Then Sign your name
if you wanna dance with the devil,
you gotta play his game
(Play his game)
You gotta taste the sweetness,
cause you can't say no
But are you ready for the nightmare
When you can't let go
Like a soldier of fortune,
when the money runs dry
You got rivers of bitter tears
(in your eyes)
You want to leave, but you can't let go
You want to stop, but you can't say no
(You Never Laugh about it, you just can't live without it)
You've had enough but you just want more
You never get what you're looking for
(You Never laugh about it) Never
You've got both ends burning
Like a moth to a flame
You're going off the rails
like a run away train
It's a no win situation,
and there's no way out
And no one will ever hear you
Scream and shout
You want to leave but you can't let go
You want to stop but you can't say no
(You Never Laugh about it, you just can't live without it)
You've had enough but you just want more
you never get what you're looking for
(You never laugh about it) Never
Run- He's coming to claim you
Run- nowhere to hide away
Run- You danced with danger
Run- Now you gottta ride
(The White Lightning) - On a dead end street
(White Lightning) - Where the deadbeats meet
(White Lightning) - It's a one way ride
(White Lightning) - Oh there's nowhere to hide
Such a lonely road you ride
It's not easy when you don't know why
such a heavy load you hide
You never leave no matter how you try
Run - He's coming to claim you
Run - Nowhere to hide away
Run - You Danced with Danger
Run - now you gotta ride
(The White Lightning) - On a dead End Street
(White Lightning) - Where the deadbeats meet
(White Lightning) - It's a one way ride
(white Lightning) - Oh there's nowhere to hide
(White Lightning)
Can you Feel it? - Can you Feel it?
(White Lightning)
It's so dangerous
(White Lightning)
No Promises
No Guarantees
(White Lightning)
when you come down here boy,
you're already on your knees
I think I will take this CD down. I hope it calms me down and even loosens me up, as I tend to be a stiff person with my surgeon.
Speaking of that.... I am getting worse. I am only keeping down clear liquids. Eating Jello, drinking Weak Tea, and water. I have tried other things, but now I am throwing up what I take in... not immediately... like 20 minutes later. It's because of the pain levels I have. I'm also thinking that it's nausea.
The pain is pretty bad now. I am feeling like someone is stabbing me with a double edged sword, going in on an upper angle. I was asked if it feels like pressure. I couldn't answer that because I didn't know, but I do know that when I go in on Wednesday, I am saying to my surgeon, I don't care if you use anestetic, I want things taken care of now... This pain is getting beyond bearable. I have felt pain this bad before when I was on Phen fen, but I know that once I got off of Phen fen, I was ok.
I'm not running a temp, so that's about the only bright spot to this. I can't sleep at night, I can't eat... I can't get Comfy either.
Anyhow.. I'm done whining for now. I am in need of a nap. TC all.
Start off with saying that My insurance is good about covering, but I need to be a memeber of it!! My caseworker claims he never got my paperwork, and so they cancelled me. I'm fighting them, but I don't know how much good it's going to do.
Anyhow... with that, I left myself as a self pay for my visit with the surgeon. The minute that I get the bill, I'm photo copying it, and mailing it to my caseworker, and they will have to pay it. (Or I will turn them in for things.)
I weighed in. Another 6 lbs lost. Down to 304.
Saw my surgeon's resident, and we discussed my gallstones. I told him that it's going to get worse if they just blast the stones, so just remove it. With that, I signed the forms for surgery, adn he left saying that Dr Williams would be in.
Dr Wiliams came in, asked how far out I was, and when I told him on the 21st of August, I will be a year, he asked me to stand up. When he saw me stand up, he was impressed with the loss I've had. After that, he examined my belly again. when he went in to touch the upper right side, I did yell out, but didn't quite pull what I did with my primary. (Basically, I didn't say Yo to him.) When he was done, he did say, yes, it has to come out. (ok.. when?) He said His assistant Patty would be in, and she would set up my surgery date and give me a script for an Upper GI. (In which he WANTS this time. ugh) He then said, I'll see you in the OR soon.
Patty came in, and gave me my choice of dates in September. The 16th, the 22nd or 23rd (can't remember which one) and then the 25th. I took the 25th. I have to worry about Hershey, and my mom getting the time off.
So there it is.. I'm set for September 25th..... IF I LAST THAT LONG, and I think I will.
I'm also supposed to meet someone from Spotlight tonight at his job. I am working on trying to get there now, because I really do want to meet Chip before Hershey. God I love things about him, and know that he will make whoever he ends up with a lucky gal.
With that said, I'm going to bed. I need to work on getting there tommorow night and my insurance woes.
Yesterday, I started to get emotional again. Strange thing. I'm depressed. I don't feel up to anything anymore. Sure, I do support, and I do function on a normal basis, but I only do it so that no one suspects anything. I cry a lot now. (Matter of fact, I can cry on toss of a dime.) I was asked to bake either tonight or tommorow, and I don't feel up to it. I'd rather either just sit here and listen to music, because I listen to Internet Radio, or I want to sleep, which isn't totally possible, because I can't get comfy. To be honest, I'd love to just get into the shower, sit down in the tub, let the shower run, with my arms resting on my knees, and just bury my head into some part of my body and just cry.
I am keeping up with everything else tho, just to make it look like I am trying to function and so no one suspects. I just feel as if I'm having a meltdown to a degree.
I don't know if the reflecting has done this to me, if my one year mark coming up and that my plans didn't work out for my one year.... I really don't know. I don't know if it's also that fear of rejection that has reared its ugly head so many damn times around me either, because I was fine until yesterday morning when I was trying to plan a way to get down to meet Chip. I really don't know.
They say that any type of friendship or relationship that withstands depression is one that you hang onto. We'll see in the next few weeks which ones withstand this, because I don't see this letting go of me for a long while.
My heart breaks every morning I get up, and it breaks constantly during the day. It breaks at night when I go to bed. Just today, it felt like it was going to break when I was out at the store, getting things for the next two weeks. I have no clue as to why it breaks, but it does.
With that said, I think I'm gonna go cry some more.
I do have to admit, I came close to wanting to just quit in general. I have been doing a lot of reflection in the past month. I know that even tho I've been reflecting, I have forgotten what I have lived by when everything came up. I have forgotten where I am, where I've come from and where I'm headed. I've also forgotten that there are others who have it worse off then I do. I could be one of the ones who fought tooth and nail for my surgery and had it denied, and I'd still be in the same boat I was in before surgery.
The fight had left me. I had grown tired of fighting my way past things. Not the true words of an inspiration. Definitely not the true words of someone who has fought and won a lot. (And lost some as well.) I guess my point in saying all of this is that you should never forget this stuff, because you never know.
It is the little things that used to get me by. The life I want to have. The things in life that anyone thin takes for grant it. I pretty much want it all... a career, the family... I keep plugging along, and know that somewhere out there, someone's meant for me as well. But in the meantime, I walk the earth alone, and look at things from a single's eyes.
I know I've messed up a lot in life. I've missed chances that have come my way. I've missed opportunities.
I'm often reminded in song of things. Just the other night, I was listening to Netscape Radio and an old song by Charlene came on. It was a song I've heard in my youth, and then again I heard when we had Digital service, when we had Music Choice. The Song is called "I've Never Been To Me." This lady is telling her story to another lady who thinks she has it rougher then anyone and there were things that really hit me in that song. I've been to Disney, and to Southeastern Connecticut. I've seen the sights of Fantasmic, and knows what it feels like to win a nice sum of money. I hear her sorrow in the words she says in the song where she gets to crying for unborn children that would have made her life complete. It saddens me. Even tho I've never been pregnant, I feel her pain about life not being complete. It's exactly how I feel in regard to my life in general. It isn't complete for me. I've been to places, but I've never taken that trip into me.
I know what you're thinking... you're getting your life back in order, and that's getting into you. While it is loving myself enough to make changes, it isn't getting into me. I have come to the realization that I do love myself for a change, but the depression I had last week could have killed that. I don't love that side of me, but it's a side that I have to accept for now if I'm going to take all of me into the future and change more about me. WYSIWYG, Mags. And I must say this.. whoever I end up with, they must understand this as well.. WYSIWYG.
WYSIWYG is basically What You See Is What You Get. I mood worse then words do at times. I tend to be emotional. I tend to think ahead, in the past, and in the present. I tend to think with things in mind that I can only hope come to fruition.
I will be a year post in a little over two weeks. I am doing something huge for that. But I want to say this, as I haven't said it, and won't be saying it in my one year thoughts. I broke up with someone a while back. I was told I wasn't ready for any type of relationship. At the time I thought he was nuts. I thought he was using it as a cop out. I am seeing he was right. Not too soon after this, about a month later, I told someone how I felt about them to a degree. It was too late, as they had found someone. It was because I had this person on my mind since the beginning of the year that I lost sight of a relationship I had in my life. I don't blame the person who I had and still have feelings for as far as my break up. I blame myself for the break up. I blame myself for going back when I knew it was dead. I'm the one who made the errors in my relationship. I'm the one who let my mind wander when it should have been on the one I was with. It isn't the person's fault that I fell for him. And I do realize that I can't make anyone feel the same way. But please know that (and the person knows who they are) I'll be there as a friend still, regardless of how I feel. ALWAYS KEEP THAT IN MIND. ((((Hugs to the person))))
(Ok.. that felt good to get that out of my system. I feel somewhat better.)
This weekend, I'm going to Lori's house, just after my support meeting. Myself, Marge, and Lori can use the cheering up. I am happy to be going, and will have some pics probably sometime next week of the three of us. I will also have my grand total on Saturday for my one year mark. I am going to use my support meeting total as my one year mark weight loss, as it's the closest thing I have to my one year mark. (The date on that will be August 9th, and that's just inside of the two week time frame for my one year mark.)
With all of that said, I'm off to bed.. TC all.