I was also asked about my insurance info. I don't have it yet, but will be getting it within the next couple of days. I have to call anyhow to find out about other things.
I simply can not believe that I am going under the knife again. It depresses me to a degree because I wanted to go under just three times. The RNY and then my plastics work.
But it also relieves me. I keep hearing that it is instant relief. I can only hope this is the case, because You don't know how sick I am of tossing my cookies. I like being able to keep a meal down, ya know? LOL
I am also really looking forward to this weekend, just because I get to see Lori and Marge. I originally didn't want to go because I just wanted to sit at home and sleep. I do a lot of that lately because of not being able to get comfy. I sleep a lot as well because I know that I feel tired. Who knows.... maybe there's a deficiency somewhere that is causing this as well.
I now look down at my skin and nails. I see yellow. Jaundice. This is something I know nothing of. I do know this. It is not normal to see yellow. But that will be taken care of on the 25th of next month.
With all of that said, I need a Nap.. TC all.
Oh who am I kidding?!?!?! The next 5 weeks are emotional for me!! This week because of my one year mark, next week because of it being one month until my surgery for my gallbladder removal, the following week because pressing myself to get done some stuff before my trip to Hershey and going in for my surgery, that following week going down for my Preadmission testing, that following week is Hershey, and then the week of my surgery.
I don't feel stressed, just anxious to get the stuff that I need to get done done. I also feel upset still because of needing another surgery, but it's for the best. I am more nervous over an Open Gallbladder Removal then I was with my own WLS.
I know.. why nervous?? Simple. I fear the fact that I had wound abcesses and infections after my WLS, and with being Open for this, I fear those infections again. I know what I'm looking for, yes, but at the same token, I fear another 5 months of hell. I'm going in with the frame of mind that it isn't going to happen to me, but of course, you keep things like that in the back in case it does happen. I can only hope that it is an uneventful stay, that I come home and I'm back to my old self, since I do want to press on with my life.
With all of that said, Time to go brush up on my voice. I do want to Karoake if there is that chance in Hershey, and I want to be able to do well at it.
I know... why that? I put that in my one year webpage, and I'm saying it again because I was asked something and I will touch on it in a brief moment.
First let me say that this time last year, I was just coming home from the hospital, and being discharged to live in my post op world. A year later, I feel the heat of the post op world, because I am looked upon for answers, my experiences, and my views.
Now, why I said what I said. I received an e-mail from my nutritionist. It said the following:
"We are looking to unveil our new website for Penn's Bariatric Program. One of our features will include video from not only the staff, but patients as well. The topics will vary from Weight Loss, Exercise, diet progression, complications, etc. We have been trying to come up with names for this endeavour, and I have thought of you 4 (There were 4 of us who received the e-mail.) as possible interviewees." It went on about the dates they would be there to interview and if we were interested, to let her know.
Before anyone gets any funny ideas, I didn't jump right away, but I did jump at it.
I considered those who live with me before jumping at an opportunity. I consdiered what it would bring to their program, and yes, I considered what it would do to my memoir writing.
So I asked those who live with me, because I know the impact of things of this nature can have on not just the person, but the people they live with. I asked the opinion of a close friend of mine to see if it was in his lap, what he would do. I also thought long and hard about what I could bring to the experience that no one else could.
Ater seeing that I could bring why Open over Lap, my complication after another, The fact that I was told I would do fine with being young and I didn't... it swayed my mind to Ok.. I'll do it.
Of course the statement above also helped sway my mind. It is raw emotion that a story is heard over read; it is true emotion that you can see a person speak over what words have to say.
So I add another thing to my busy calendar of September. September 16th is when I tell my story, and I will let you know when those of us who interviewed are on the website.
With all of that said, I will start an outline to go make my interview breifer then if I were speaking in public. TC all.
I got the board back on Saturday. I just finally got it configured yesterday. (Ok.. so I'm not the brightest lightbulb in the box. At least I'm back online.)
Anyhow... I've been busy these past few days.
I did TWO video shoots. That's right... TWO.
You all know about the one I did Tuesday, and I will get to that shortly.
Saturday at my support meeting I was sitting there talking to a Pre Op and my buddy JR when the personal trainer that sits in on our meetings to offer advice as far as fitness goes, His name is Dave, walks in, and says to me as he's walking in, "You!!! I want to talk to you after the meeting before you leave." Me? "Yes you." Hmm... he's probably going to razz me about my smoking.
Beginning of the meeting, he announces that he's doing an exercise video for WLS people. Two and two somewhat connect together, but not all the way.
I would sit there and wonder about ti the entire meeting as to what he wanted.
Now let me explain something before I go any further.
Dave started coming to the meetings back when a friend had surgery. The friend since stopped coming to the meetings, but he still goes and volunteers his time to those of us who are either going in for surgery or have had surgery with advice regarding fitness and exercise. He understands those of us who are Morbidly Obese and Super Obese. He actually, if memory serves me correctly, admires those of us who go thru taking our lives in our hands to get our health back. He couldn't be more pleased and proud of those of us who make this decision.
Anyhow.. getting back.
The meeting ends, and everyone is pressing me so they can go and visit a few people who are in the hospital who had their surgeries. I told them to hold up, I still needed to go talk to Dave. Just as I was about to walk over and see what he wanted, he started to walk over my way, and he was talking to another member of the group. After he was done talking to Barry (The member who was talking to him), he asked me if I would do it.
Now let me tell you something. I don't have the heart to turn Dave down. Like I said, he's there on his spare time offering his advice for those who need it, and I always feel that no good deed goes unpaid. So I told him that I would be there but in the afternoon, after I got done my Sunday morning business. (Which would be grocery shopping and Church.) He told it was fine, that they would still be filming for the entire day. He handed me his card and put the address on the back of it.
Anyhow... so I went on and did what I had to do that afternoon and came home to my mother having a new processor and motherboard. I put that in and just couldn't get my online service to kick over and start. I would then lose my entire night's work with the computer and give up.
I went on to plan what I was going to wear to work out in. Being a walker only, I didn't have a clue what I could wear to make me look like I wanted to work out and still not look like I just came down to the city to step foot into a gym, tho I know I wouldn't care after I was done working out. I also knew my legs were going to be on camera, so I didn't want my scars to be seen on my legs, or for anyone to get repulsed by them.
I ended up picking out a pair of leggings that I barely wear and a blue t-shirt. I decided that I was going to put my hair into a ponytail so I didn't have my hair flying everywhere. I would also wear my actual regualr sneakers and a pair of white socks.
(Basically, I didn't want to look like a smacked ass.)
Sunday morning, while in church, I looked down at my cell phone and saw I had a message waiting for me. I walked out like I was using the ladies' room and went outside to find out who it was. It was Dave, telling me the shoot was still on, and where to go when I get to the building.
I took the train down around 1 to Suburban station and walked 5 blocks to the location. I got there at around 1:30. I called my voice mail to get the exact floor I was supposed to go to, and to call home to tell my mom I made it safely down there.
Let me tell you... I felt like I was of no help, because of my level of activity and my weight. I did try everything I was asked, and a lot of the time, I was either dropping something, not able to do something.... I felt like the class clown reject of the shoot. LOL But I did try and that's what mattered.
For those who were at the Philly Gathering and remember Dave as one of the speakers, he is as genuine as he was there. He asked me for a hug a couple of times, and we all know how I am with hugs. (Sometimes, I'm like Get the hell away from me with the hugs.) He did razz me about my smoking. (I SWEAR he HAS TO HAVE A LINK TO THIS PAGE!!! LOL) As I left, I was told to either e-mail him or call him sometime this week. (I E-mailed him.) I was proud to have helped him on this project.
Also, it helped me conquer two fears that day, and also find a passion I once had before I left HS. Two fears were looking like a fool on camera, because I know I was worried about that, and my fear of rooftops, because it was shot on a rooftop. I looked out and it was exhilirating to see the skyline from the view I was at. My passion I would find that I once had when I was in HS was the whole idea of wanting to out and doing things like golfing, softball, tennis, raquetball... I wanted to be out and working out and having fun. I also liked doing weightlifting in HS, and forgot that this is what I strived for in my WLS journey.
Now on to Tuesday.
Tuesday, I got down there, and I waited around to get into my interview. I wasn't nervous about the cameras now.... I was nervous that I looked like a smacked ass. Part of me wondered if I was overdressed. I did my hair, I did my makeup, I went as far as making sure I put on pants under the dress because I didn't want my legs to be seen.
After showing off my presurgery shirt, and giving my one year collage to the program director, in which EVERYONE flipped out over, I sat down and was ready to give my interview. My surgeon walked in. The guy who was doing the interview walked over to my surgeon and was talking to him. I woudl find out that my interview may have been needed to broken in half because my surgeon would need to do the interview. I had no problems with that and I said so to them. I added, "It's the least I can do for Dr Williams, and I'll explain why down the line."
So we got into what led me into my decision, I led the entire interview. They needed to ask me 5 questions. That was it. I remember commenting that this surgery is never over as far as I was concerned because you end up always needing to watch your weight. Just like someone who has lost a kidney has to live with the fact that they have one kidney, we have to live with the fact that we have our anatomy rearrainged, and that we will always struggle with our weight. I was asked at the end if I had any closing comments, questions, statements. I did say that I did and said this:
"I have had a lot of support from the time I made my decision until right now. There are so many to thank for this, from all of my online support groups to my live support group, but I needed to mention 4 people in general. I have to thank the man upstairs. I am by no means religious, but I have to thank him. It wasn't by human error that the events happened like they did. There was some intervention there, and it was tough intervention. I have to thank my primary Dr. He is always reading into things on this. Sure, he has referred patients to have this surgery, but it was with me, because I am one of his first patients, that he realized the magnitude of the Gastric Bypass on a person's life. He's reading on things like complications, emotional problems, you name it, he's reading it. he knows my needs and not many Drs are like that. For that, I have to thank him. I need to thank Rachel... and Wanda who came in after I had my surgery. they both know that this had been a huge change in me, and they know that I was eating enough to keep 20 people alive and eating enough fat for who knows how many... it was enough to cause a massive heart attack at anytime.
"The last person I have to thank, and I know that he's paid to do his job, is my surgeon. Dr Williams gave me something that no one else could. He gave me that chance at the rest of my life. I don't believe that you start your life over again because you can't. But by having the trust and faith in him to do this surgery... I couldn't ever repay him enough. I know he's probably going to get a huge ego over what I'm about to say if he should see it, well I don't want to say if, but when, because I know he will see this... and that's fine.. as long as I get the chance to say it now. That man is like god in my book. He is an angel in the OR. Those were my mom's words and I agree with her. I quoted a song in my one year posting, I'm not sure if you're familiar with Scrubs, which is a TV show on NBC, but their opening song is a song by Lazlo Bane called Superman. I know he's no superman, but he's an angel in the OR, and a saint for putting up with patients like myself. I feel like I've been the problem child, you know.. that movie that had John Ritter in it. I fel like that red headed kid Junior. I know there are a few others like myself out there, but still he's a saint for putting up with people like me. I wouldn't trust anyone else with anything else in that area but Dr Williams. So thanks, Doc."
I stopped myself at that point, because I knew I would break down and start crying.
These two shoots made me realize that I should be pleased with myself and how far I have come.
Would I do these two shoots again?? Absolutely. Without a doubt. I had fun doing them. I enjoyed the people I was talking about or the people I was around.
Besides, it isn't everyday you get to spend the afternoon with one of Philly's sexiest singles, having some harmless fun. :-D
I now have a new idea of when I will be. Either October 6th or 9th. The secretary has to check with the surgeon to see if he can squeeze me in or not. I'm hoping for the 6th, but I will take the 9th if I have to. Either way, I'm guaranteed to be down at the regular support meeting.
With October coming up, I am reminded of a few things I missed when I was touching on Things. A Re-Birth I missed saying congrats to on here. My little Sis, Marybeth. Her one year mark was yesterday. I feel bad I forgot, but with all that was going on, I plain forgot, and have no real excuse. So I hope you did something AWESOME for yourself.
Another one that is coming up is someone I had the pleasure of meeting in Philly, and I converse with on a regular basis. Luigi, you have done well. and yes, those carbs can be monsters. Just focus on the present, forget the past, and take each day one step at a time. I hope you do something wonderful for yourself on the 21st, which will be my 14 month mark.
Anyhow... I know.. DETAILS on HERSHEY... Seems that Everyone wants them.
Hershey was good. I did however get piss drunk, did things I regret, said things that I did mean and that I know will have repercussions on me and at least one friendship I have, and I know I will have to face it. I'm prepared to face it, and I do hope that it don't jeopardize it. But if it does, I will move on.... That's the bottom line.
Now.. with regard to Hershey and what no one knew.
Yes, you did know that I was smoking at Hershey. Bev and I found our way outside more then once. The night I was brought back from G-Man's for being kicked out, I made my way back downstairs to have a smoke.
When Bev left me alone, I started thinking of things. And I know this is going to have repercussions as well, so I'm prepared for them.
I kept thinking, when I go in for my gallbladder removal, if something does go wrong, who's going to care. Not one person that's here. I felt like I was the loser of the bunch, and perhaps it was the booze talking and telling me this, I don't know. I see my postings not really doing well. I see that those who I think are my friends don't even come over and say, hey, I don't know what you are going thru, but at least I can offer my thoughts to you in your journey to a surgery. Or even a hug, for crying outloud. I may not be a huggie, feelie type of person, but let me tell you.. when someone needs the comfort, they will take a hug.
So yes, that ran thru me. Maybe I'm wrong. I'm looking for the acceptance, yes, but I'm also looking for validation. Perhaps we all have grown far apart, and this weekend was just what I needed to see. I'm grown away from those of us who have had surgery at least in the same year. Who knows.
I had some other thoughts that I can't get into.. but for those who were around me that Friday Night... Marie, I think Marybeth caught wind of it, Andrea, Ilene, and Bev.... you heard me.. and I hope understand that I did mean what I was saying. Also know that it isn't easy to pull back from the emotions, and that when you feel a certain way, you tend to stick with it if it feels right and good. This feels right and good, even tho I am upset by it and did my share of crying over it.
To answer John Popper in the song Stand. "I can stand and walk, I know that Tradegy is cheap and so is talk.. I made my decision, and I know what is going to happen." I just have to wait for things to happen a certain way.
That's if they do.
I would attend another event like Hershey again, but I would have to learn to keep myself in check. I should have never gotten as drunk as I did, but it's over. I had a lot of emotional weakness in front of me, a lot of let down at the end of the week, and a lot of physical pain that yes, I thought drinking would help kill, but all it did was make me look dumb, foolish.... like a total ass. It didn't help my chances with fixing an issue that I have, it didn't do anything for me... and that's why I don't think I'll be getting drunk again until my wedding night.
I can only hope that for those who read this that were at Hershey understand where I'm coming from.
TC all and I'lll post on when my date will be.