I will miss my close friends. I know. I only get to talk with them in chat, but the bonds you make that remain strong over time are the ones that last. Yes, surgery brings a lot of us closer, but as we go thru our journeys, we find those that have the same common interests. Sometimes we find those who have interests that would interest us that never would have before.
The thought of leaving this part of my life behind breaks me, but it's something I know I'm going to have to do eventually. So, for many who do read my thought part of this page, this is going to be a shock now, and not when you read it in a posting. When I come back from my trip, I'm going to be less accessible. I'm looking to get my life back.
I know.. what does this mean for you? For me, it means getting back into the swing of things and working, even though it will be part time. It also means getting my driver's license again. (I could have my old one restored, but it's cheaper to have a new one drawn up.) Being responsible for myself. Getting back into school and getting my degree in Nutrition.
I want to get back into life again, and have for some time.
I know that I have other reasons, but they need not be put in here, as those are just that.. my private thoughts.
I know I'll be able to keep up with everything else. I know I'd be able to keep up with working, support, everything. But, I am being extra cautious in case I am not up to it.
My life is dawning. It is not fully bright yet, but it's getting there. I feel that with these changes, my life will really start to show brightness. I also know there is one other thing that would make my life completely bright. I won't go there tho.
However, I can't help but get a little emotional over my leaving this part of life. I know I will miss those who mean a lot to me. I also know that I will always cherish the friendships that I have made through my journey. And I will abolutely hang on to the close friendships I have made and continue to build on. Any close friendships I have made are for life, no matter how near or far the friend is.
And I think that's why I am a little emotional over making this decision.
There are things that I know I will go post on. I am a Post Op, so yes, I will be an angel for people. Hershey is coming up, so I will be posting for a roomie for that. My one year anniversary. I will also be posting for my Plastic Surgery work. Also will be posting for a couple of good close friends for their birthdays and for their anniversaries coming up, beit if someone else starts them or I start them. You can tune in here on my website for any pics from now on. As for my chatting, I have yet to decide how I am going to do that. I will have to see how my schedule is going to work, but I will start by saying three times a week, not including weekends.
So yes, it pains me to say this, but as of June 4th, I am going to be a lurker. I am not going to post as often as I have been. My life has become a priority. It's time for ME for a change.
TC all. Keep tuned in here for any thoughts, any info on me, and for my pics. And to my close friends, know that I love each and every one of you, as you are my close friends. To My fellow Team HUP friends, I'll be on that board as well. No need to worry about me lurking there. To Team Philly Freedom, I love each and every one of you from the bottom of my heart. To The original Team Hershey Kiss, I love each and every one of you from the bottom of my heart as well. I may not have been at Hershey last year, but I was there in spirit. To the Jersey Crew (I'm asuming you guys are Team Bada Bing), You guys are awesome. I love you each and every one of you guys from the bottom of my heart. Team Patriot, I look forward to seeing all about you hopefully in March.
This Past Friday, I went and got my new Photo ID for the trip. I was trying to hold off until I went for my license, but in order to get anything to drink, like a beer or a Seven and Seven, and to get into the night clubs, which I DEFINITELY WANT TO DO!!, you need valid current ID. So off I went to get this. I will be posting the pics of my new one and my old one I'm hoping later on tonight. Wait until you see the difference. (I know I see it!)
I am pleased to say that I fit into one mirror now in my medicine cabinet. My medicine cabinet has three doors to get into it. The mirror panes aren't really that big. (They measure 9 1/2 inches across.) So I stand there to look at myself sideways and I fit. (Oh wow.... what a thrill, considering that I was taking up two almost all three!!)
I have almost no shoulders left as well.
Thinking about Disney for a moment. Please don't laugh when you see me with Tigger, Figment and his pal, and yes, don't call me a lesbian for wanting a pic with me and Ariel. These are my three favorites out of Disney. So you know I'll be in line for both autographs and pictures, and I don't care how long of a wait.
Everyone keeps asking me who Figment is. Well.. He's whoever you want him to be. He's part of your imagination. (So if you want Figment to look like a blue dog with green spots, you can.) Disney protrays him, however, as a morphed Mooshu who is from Mulan. Mooshu is orange and brown, Figment is purple and orange. Figment has wings, Mooshu doesn't.
Ok.. Enough Disney for now.
As of late, I've been finding myself listening to stuff my dad used to listen to. Things like stuff from Woodstock, the hard rock he used to listen to, you name it. What ever he used to listen to. As everyone know, he's been gone for three years. I've been finding myself feeling like he's around (as nuts as all of this sounds) and embracing my decisions. As idiotic as it may have been to him at the time they mentioned it to him and tried to persuade him into thinking of doing, I am starting to feel that he now accepts my decision and knows it's the best move I could make. I have been told I look like my dad, and I don't believe it. I do know however I feel that closeness around me that he's around me and that when I feel tired, emotionally beat up, like I can't make a decision, I know that when he was alive, he would tell me to get a grip and just shit or get off the pot. He would also call me over and hug me as well (In his later years when he was sick) and tell me that no matter what I decided that he loved me. (Sometimes, it seemed a little too late for me to believe it.) Perhaps it's longing for that feeling that I finally felt after he got sick, perhaps it's just me missing him and hoping that he approved of my decision, or perhaps it's just me regretting he wasn't here to see it still. I really don't know. Whoever says Time Heals All Wounds obviously never thought about when a parent dies.
I can only say this to my dad wherever he is. "Dad, I know I tried my best the night you died and I hope you see it that way. I did what I did so I didn't end up like you as I was ending up just like you. Not that there's anything wrong with it, I just think a mirror image of you needs to stay living. A Legacy needs to be started again, and while you're not here to show me the ropes of what I could be like thin, I can only guess and imagine what you are thinking and saying to me. (I also know that you would be grilling EVERY guy that comes into my life.) I also know that I took things for granted, that you'd be here for a long while. That you would be here to see your first grandchild, a grandson nonetheless. That you'd be here to get better and take that honeymoon you never took. That you'd be here to show me your way of driving, as I know you were the better driver of the two. But I know that you're not.
"Dad, I don't want you to get mad when I say this, but I'm thinking of honoring you in some way. I know you'd get upset by this, but the weekend of Hershey is near the day you and mom got married. I'm going to do something foolish by your standard, and that would be I'm going to get the same Tattoo you had on your arm, but on my chest. Right near my heart. Because that's where you stay every day. I couldn't think of anything better to do to honor you, besides losing this weight. I want the permanant reminder of you.
"I'm going to miss you walking me down the aisle when I find the right guy, I'm going to miss you being there on date nights to tell me to be responsible and careful, and tell me that I don't have to take anything off to have a good time. I already miss you telling me that if I would only lose weight that I'd be a knockout. (And I'm sure you'd be telling me that I'm a knockout already.) It is with the strength that I know you're behind me that I am able to make all the moves I make. I do know that the last week of your life I said some hurtful things, and I hurt to this day knowing I said them. My heart aches knowing that you're not here to give me an idea of what I should do. My heart breaks everytime I remember advice you gave me and I told you that you didn't know what you were talking about. I think I miss that the most. I miss you not here telling me 'Do this this and this, and that will happen.' (You know. the old unsolicited advice?) Mom is no good at it Dad. Believe me... I know.
"I will only be grateful for a couple of things however with your death. One is that you're not existing, but living again. The second is that you're out of pain and are no longer suffering. Third is that you gave me the strength to make my decision and do this. The last thing is, and this sounds corny and somewhat self centered, you let me go. You let me be on my own. While yes, I would love to have you here to pull mom away, I know that by you leaving me, it means I am to deal with it on my own. For what it's worth, I can appreciate it. It means I could and did make my own decision to save my life. And really, isn't that what you kept telling me? 'Lose the weight now so you don't kill yourself early on in life?'
"Know that your characteristics you had are mine as well, and that is why we fought like cats and dogs. We were too much alike. Know that every day I miss you Dad. Know that everyday, I love you. You were my only dad I had, both biologically and physically."
I do know that my emotions get the better of me a lot, and this was no exception. When you lose a parent, you'll understand. It's as someone once told me, I could explain it but you'd never understand it.
Ok Back to Disney for a few moments.
If I could only take pictures of myself in these places I'm doing out of courage that I saved my life. Space Mountain, Aerosmith's Rock-N-Roller Coaster, I know I can get a pic when I'm Big Thunder Mountain Railroad, Splash Mountain as well. And I hope I can handle Body Wars. Would be nice for a nutrition major to look at that, and Food Rocks. Actually the whole Wonders of Life Pavilion. I can't wait to go to Innoventions. I may start that out early while everyone else is in Ice Station Cool, since Soda don't appeal to me much. (Unless it's in Alcohol.) And who knows.. maybe I'll meet someone down there from near me. Tho I'm not looking for it.
With all of that said, Time for me to go. I'll push on if I can maybe while I'm at Disney and post a quick update, but if not, then I'll push on just after my trip. I will be creating a gallery of just my Disney Pics via an Ourworld site, and I will put the link in here after it's done.
TC all. And Enjoy two quiet weeks without hearing from me. LOL
Just a random thought there.. and a bizarre one at that.
Anyhow.. I'm a little late posting this here, but Disney was so so. I will actually make another Geocities website, and post that on my front page, so there's easy access to it, as well as my random thoughts area. My whole trip details will be posted there, because I feel it's better if I give a blow by blow.
Also, I just recently discovered my aunt's scale was lying to me big time. It's off by 30 lbs. It upsets me that it's off because it means I went down the heaviest of all 7, also, it means that the gas station rest stop scale I paid a quarter to use was right, and that I didn't lose or gain. Also, it upsets me that I went down at over 300 lbs, as it was my goal to be under 300 for Disney. I also have told my aunt her scale is off by 30 lbs.
At 10 months post, I'm only down 170 lbs. Just means I have to work at this harder.
It's getting harder, because the carbs and sugar are really getting to me. Also, I'm finding that most of my meals settle if I drink a little diet Coke both before and after a meal. (Helps me burp, making me feel better.) However, I'm still stuck at 2 tablespoons of food, which is really much smaller then my initial start up, which was 3 tablespoons. If I eat anymore then 2 tablespoons, I throw up or feel like I'm going to burst. I still can't touch anything spicy, fatty, or acidy. If I touch them any of them three, I'm sitting there with the burning in my stomach, throwing up, or I end up with sharp pain on my right side, just inside of the rib cage. Sometimes, it happens in two or threes. (Burning, throwing up, and pain) The throwing up isn't too bad, because generally it's just like throwing up oil because you ate something with too much oil. (Imagine things prior to surgery when you would throw up if you ate something too greasy. That's about what it comes to.) My scope showed nothing. So it looks like we're on a quest to see if my gall bladder's bad.
I've been told that there is a maturity to the pouch. This time frame would be 18 to 24 months. I'm beginning to think that I'll be stuck at 2 tablespoons forever. I have 8 months at least to make the best of things and get myself up to something more then 2 tablespoons.
As for my quest into getting back into work, it's on hold for now. Before I left for Disney, I was informed by mail that I wouldn't be able to have my healthcare. I have been trying to fight this yet again, because it's now just under review. (Seems that a form that they sent me I never got to just keep my healthcare up, so that's why it's a fight to keep it.) So that's where I stand with that.
As for my license, that too is on a wait phase. I have to wait to see my primary to have him do a quick physical on me, and that will happen July 8th. After that, I have to wait a week or two until I can go for the permit part of the test, because the money that was there for my permit is now in the hands of the Phone Company, the Water Company, the Sewer Company, or the Electric Company. Oh or the Cable Company. This month's check went to pay bills because my mother never fought her Unemployment. (And she lies to me about it everyday. I can't trust her anymore.)
Lastly, I want to say this. It feels good to be hit on, even if it's for sex. I can only hope that if the sex does happen, it leads into a relationship. My last time I was hit on was Friday Night, the person who hit on me knows who he is, because I don't know if he wants everyone into that part of his business, but I felt flattered, charmed, almost like even if it was for the wrong reason, that someone was interested in me for a change. (NOT that I was interested and they weren't.) I had a few times where I was hit on in Disney, but was around family so I had to seem like a cold distant biatch. (One guy knew it and asked me on my last day where I was staying. I should have exchanged a phone number with him or an e-mail address to keep in contact with him.)
With that said, time for me to go. I need a cold shower.
About a year ago, I started my whole web page to stop myself from going nuts waiting for my approval and date. Also to go thru what I was thinking. I have since evolved some, but still remain the person I was before surgery. I often look back on my old postings and think, how naive was I?
I also need to send a shout out to a god friend of mine, Matt. His Birthday is Saturday. And in case I don't get to it, his one year anniversary is in three weeks, on 7-30-2003, but I will post it now, as I feel that something's going to come up. (Given the fact that it usually does, I just would rather get it over with anyhow.) Hope your 21st is wonderful. (Hey I know better, but you are only as old as you feel. LOL) Your insight on things have been nothing short of a blessing to me, even if at times they never made sense at the time they were said. (I'm sure you understand this, so it won't be discussed.) Keep at it and Good luck with her. Also Have a Happy Anniversary. You have done amazingly well!
I also must send out an early Happy Anniversary to my good buddy JR. I had the privelidge of being his angel on the Yahoo group for the U-Penn WLS group and on Obesityhelp.com. (Tho it ended up the other way around when I looked for answers and was pretty upset after the pain meds weren't working on me while I was in. LOL) You have also done amazingly well, and hopefully within the next 6 months to a year, you will be off that C-Pap.
Special shout out goes to a buddy I just finally had the chance to chat with. Chip, things are going to happen for you. Trust me. I can feel it. Your date is coming. I have enjoyed our conversations and am looking forward to meeting you shortly. (And I can only hope it's before your surgery!! LOL) And trust me when I say this. You will be like Belushi and Farley, but not because of what you stated. July 9th will be a good day for you to get a date and I'm telling you, it will be late August, Early September at the latest.
Oh last "shout out" goes to Dave, who celebrates a birthday on the same day that Chip goes for his consult, July 9th. Dave, Enjoy your 29th birthday. LOL Seriously. May this year be better then the past year has been.
Ok.. enough of the shout outs for now.. Time for me to biatch for a minute.
I am starting to grow sick of not feeling right, having only things like hard pretzels, crackers, bland things settle, throwing up what's good for me, and when I don't throw up or feel lousy, feeling sharp pains in my side. I'm really getting sick of having to stay up to be sure that the sharp pains are gone. The past three nights, I was attacked by these pains, and I went on to stay up for at least two hours to be sure they were gone. I sat here for like two to three minutes breathing like I was in labor, just because the pain was that sharp. Of course, after two or three minutes the pain went to a dull roar, but still.. how long was it going to stay like that went through my mind.
Told ya I was going to biatch. LOL
Oh and lastly, my song for the Fourth of July has to be called Freedom by Blues Traveler. The Lyrics are astounding. I recommend looking at the lyrics on the Blues Traveler Web Site. (Just click into lyrics and look for the Four Album.) Perfect song for both Independence from the weight and just in general.
Anyhow... that's all for now everyone. TC.. time to try and sleep for a little while.
For starters, I passed my physical for my license. (Thanks Dr P!!) This means that as soon as the 16th comes, I will apply for my permit to drive. (YAY!!! Get on the rooftops.... and stay off the sidewalk!! LOL)
However....
As he was taking my BP, which was high for me when I brought up my issues of pain and my eating abilities with Dr P and he has me set for an ultrasound Monday Morning. It's of my gall bladder.
To be honest, I'm a little nervous. What if this isn't the answer to what's wrong? Then what? I don't know what the problem is if this isn't the answer. I know I'm not imagining things, since it's been on going for 3 months now. I know I don't imagine the pain on my right side, the nausea, the throwing up.. even the smell of food makes me sick anymore.
At the same token, what if this is the answer? What is the treatment going to be for me??? Is it try a course of actigall, or is it removal, because I know the problem has been left for at least 3 months?I do have the feeling that because it was left go for three months, I may have to have it removed. It's fine with me... I don't care if that's the treatment, so long as I'm good to go to Hershey in September. (I DO WANT TO GO THIS YEAR, BECAUSE I MISSED LAST YEAR'S WITH ALL OF MY PROBLEMS FOLLOWING MY WLS!!) If I do have it removed, will it be Lap, because I've lost 170 lbs, or will it be Open, given my past history of my missing organs? Part of me hopes Lap because the recovery time is quicker, and yes, you can go home the same day, though I may not go home the same day, given my past troubles of infections. This would let me go to Hershey if I have to wait until September to have this done. But because of my past trouble with missing organs, I'm hoping I go open so that the surgeon can see what he's doing. (And yes, I am really gun shy about being quoted Lap and waking up to find out I went Open.) I am really afraid that my gall bladder will play a game with my surgeon... the game is called "Find Me Sucka!!" I realy just don't know what to expect.
Looks like my Tattoo is out of the picture for now if a diseased gall bladder is the case. Even if I am given a course of Medicine, I need to stay clean for now so that if the meds don't work, I can go right in for surgery. It has me bummed because I really wanted to do this in Hershey. Perhaps at another gathering.
Also, I brought up the issue of the mass on my left thigh again. This appears to be hanging skin with excess fat stuck in it. It isn't a mass. He wants to keep it there for now, as it will help me get approved for Plastic Surgery. (Plastic Surgery.... something I never wanted to do after I had my WLS, but have since changed my mind with the skin infections, skin rashes, and the limited mobility in my thighs because of the excess skin.)
I wanted to get my blood work done for my one year check up, but I decided to hold off. I want to see where this problem and scan take me first. I may not need to have my primary do my blood work, as I may have to do pre op testing if the gall bladder has to come out. But I did get my B-12 shot. God I love when my primary gives me the shot, as it don't ever hurt afterwards, where as when the nurses or PAs give me the shot, they manage to get closer to the shoulder and I hurt for a good 10 to 15 minutes after the fact.
Anyhow.. I did say this was an update on a few things, so that's about everything for now.
Oh wait.. the last update... my mom got a new job with Hartford Insurance working in their Customer Service Area. She is going to look and see if she can put me on her benefits, so if she can, Aetna will be my carrier now for my health care, and I'll also have Dental and a few other things.
Anyhow.. TC all.. I need to get up and move around again, since I'm not too comfy for too long because of this pain. This right side bothers me..... BADLY. Looks like I'll be popping some meds from my surgery.
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