Chemical attack wreaks havoc; Tejido becomes 60-ft giant

A RECENT administrative conference with the Chemistry Department was thrown into chaos yesterday when disgruntled chemistry teacher and prankster Armand “Assante” Guidote threw an unknown mixture of complex organic compounds at Acting Dean Cuyegkeng and ADSA Dr. Manuel Tejido.

Guidote had apparently stolen the esoteric chemicals from the chemistry lab while the technician was busy trying to figure out how to open the laboratory lockers’ combination locks. He then rushed to the admi, where the Dean and the ADSA were dialoguing with Chem majors.

“MORE AIR FRESHENER FOR THE CHEM LABS, OR YOU BOTH GET IT!” screamed Guidote, brandishing a beaker full of the bubbling goo.

“No way,” retorted the Acting Dean. “DO YOUR WORST!” At which point Guidote splashed the chemicals all over the two administrators.

Dean Cuyegkeng, herself a seasoned chemist, proved immune to the strange liquids, but a glob hit Dr. Tejido, and suddenly he shot up to a height of over sixty feet. “Patayin ... lahat ... ng mga ... coño ...” he roared, as insanity set in. The sixty-foot giant went berserk, and fled the Admi, leaving ten-foot deep footprints behind him.

His first victim was the entire caf bench, whose inhabitants he crushed with one well-placed step. He began to set out for Alabang, but was attacked by PAF fighter planes, which drove him up the newly constructed Prince David condominium building. Before the planes could shoot at him, however, Dr. Tejido began shrinking again, until he was out of the pilots’ sight.

Dr. Tejido returned to office the next day, perfectly normal, except for an overwhelming urge to run for President of the Philippines (see related story above).

Dean Cuyegkeng expressed her exasperation at the loss of the chemicals. “Guidote used up the last of our simulated primordial jello,” she told Lampoon reporters. “It’s been sitting in the Chemistry Lab for over a hundred years, and we were waiting for it to evolve. It would have been any day now.”

However, GUIDON Photo Editor Paulo Ordoveza claims to have observed similar effects with The GUIDON darkroom’s photo-processing chemicals. “No wonder the cockroaches here get so big,” he said.

Guy Don

Bird flu hits caf by Kenny Rogers THE ATENEO Multi-Purpose Cooperative announced last March 3 that it was discontinuing the sales of chicken and other poultry produce. This was in reaction to reports that five students were downed with the dreaded bird flu disease. AMPC Manager Tim Gabuna said that “the measure will be in place until such time that the chicken stalls are cleared for safety.” A stall owner is confident however that the ban on poultry products will be raised. He concluded that, “After all, everybody knows that we don’t use chicken. What we use is chicken flavored bread crumbs.” Due to the move, the caf’s sales are expected to go down by more than 50%, since chicken is the only major food type it offers.