Cloning controversy rocks ROTC
by Rafa Villarosa
“SABI NA NGA ba’t di tao yung kumander ko,”
said an unidentified Fourth Squadron airman.
A Biology major, known only as Dolly, bared an illegal
genetic weapons research program being conducted by the 131st Department
of Air Science and Tactics code-named Awesome Killer Airborne Infantry Negator
(AKAIN). As proof of the Ateneo ROTC’s illegal activities, Dolly presented
C/Majs Pompeyo Adamos versions II and III. Dolly claimed the duo were part
of the first batch of cloned universal soldiers, with versions IV to X still
in refrigeration.
The Loyola Lampoon photo staff was able to take pictures of the Bel Field
one Saturday, providing incontrovertible proof that AKAIN was being tested
on the Fourth Squadron. The Lampoon also secured confidential documents
citing that squadron’s high casualty rate. Part-time mad scientist
C/Capt Enrico “Igor” Quodala was also videotaped retrieving body
parts from salvage victims from nearby esteros.
Cadette Captain Mary Judith Villarosa, Fifth Squadron Commander,
pooh-poohed Dolly’s expose. She said that it was impossible, as she
claimed her men, led by C/Airman Ryan Tan, still racked up all the merits
and early dismissal incentives in the wing. When asked why they had to go
home early, she added as an example, all the Fourth Squadron could shout
was, “Sir, because we have to make saing the rice, sir.”
The Fifth Squadron won the exchange, responding, “M’am, because
we can’t help it. Iba na ang gwapo.” Villarosa allegedly
remarked, “Dapat ako na lang yung ni-clone, para lumaganap ang girl
power sa ROTC.”
Wing Commander C/Col Fred Michael Laureles issued a statement
saying that the controversy would not lead to the scrapping of ROTC. “It
is mandated by Art. 2, Sec. 4 and Art. 16, Sect. 4 of the Philippine Constitution.”
Laureles also denied rumors that he ordered a crackdown on a growing charter
change movement in the wing. |
Coño
offered as language course
DR. KRIS AQUINO, Doctor of Languages honoris causa
has agreed to teach the new Coño 101 and 102 subjects.
Aquino has decided to focus on two topics: conversational
coño and coño literature. “The latter will definitely
include the classic Bayan Ko ‘No,” she said. The famous
poem begins: “Ibon mang may layang make fly-fly / Kulungin
mo at it makes cry-cry.” Aquino foresees the formation of a Lit
Coño program in the near future, especially since this is expected
to triple the summa cum laude output of the college.
Dean Ma. Assunta Cuyegkeng praised the new courses as “in
keeping with the Ateneo response to changing times.” She remarked,
“Our students must be able to fit in and ably communicate in today’s
corporate culture. Everyone should be able to tell from five meters when
it’s an Atenean talking.” She disclosed that the sign-up sheets
put up outside the Gonzaga cafeteria had been mobbed.
To truly capture the eloquence of coño in its natural
habitat, Dr. Aquino has received permission to conduct her classes in the
benches outside the caf.
Oscar Sun Tan |
|