It's true! Recent genetic tests show that Vice-President Joseph "Erap" Estrada and former First-Lady Imelda "Meldy" Marcos (both challenging Dr. Tejido's bid for the presidency) are indeed brother and sister!
DNA tests conducted on samples of hair taken from the heads of both subjects concluded their kinship. Head scientist Dra. Maria Peligrosa Perpetua Sy, of the Ateneo de Zamboanga University, announced this in a press conference last Thursday. “It’s amazing! Who would have thought that two of the biggest threats to Philippine society are from the same family?” she said.
After twelve years, scientists, under the supervision of Sy, were on the verge of finding a cure for AIDS and cancer when they stumbled upon this discovery. The discovery was said to have taken place when one of the scientists accidentally dropped his collection of celebrity hair into a beaker of pig’s urine. The reaction caused the pig urine to turn into a pinkish shade. (It was later discovered that the pig was pregnant.)
Eventually, when the hair was collected and rearranged, it was discovered that two particular hairs were indistinguishable. After further testing, the hairs were identified and the discovery was made.
Scientists have had their suspicions of the link between the two political icons for years. “The hair was a real giveaway!” said Sy. “No one in their right mind would still style hair like that, unless it was natural.”
1.) Who founded the Ateneo? a. Saint Ignatius b. Saint Loyola c. Jose Rizal d. Saint Jose Rizal
2.) Where can one find the most dangerous toxic waste on campus? a. Advanced Chemistry labs b. Lib annex men’s room c. Aquarium sa Comm Dept d. Caf
3.) What is the definition of bifurcate? a. to split into two b. to make bili para kay Kate. c. “Kate, bumili ka ng fur.” d. Yes
4.) Encircle the wrong spelling according to Matanglawin. a. jogga b. pederasticity c. cupal d. none of the avove
5.) You are stuck in the admi at 9.30 pm. Your carpool has left you and you don’t have money. What do you do? a. Walk. b. Run. c. Bifurcate. d. Ask your super-crush who is also hanging out in the admi to drive you home.
6.) There are three people hanging off a cliff, and you only have time to save one of them. Who do you save? a. Dr. Tejido b. Amee Enriquez c. Manoling Morato d. Wrong grammar. “Whom do you save?”
7.) Who is Ruey? a. the teacher b. the Spirit Questor c. Donald Duck’s Japanese nephew (Huey, Dewey, and Ruey) d. the Man in Black
8.) Who is your favorite female presidentiable? a. Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo b. Imelda Marcos c. Miriam Defensor-Santiago d. Manoling Morato
9.) Who is your ideal supermodel? a. Naomi Campbell b. Sporty Spice c. Amee Enriquez d. Manoling Morato
10.) Who is the Blue Eagles’s greatest foe? a. The Green Eagle b. The Green Archer c. The Coño Archer d. Manoling Morato
Scoring Key: If you answered letter A, you get 1 point (and a smile) If you answered letter B, you get 2 points (and a hug) If you answered letter C, you get 3 points (and a kiss) If you answered letter D, you get 4 points (and a, you know…)
0-15 This is probably your first time inside the school. Maybe you’re a freshman. Remember to wear your ID in the library, and take it off when you leave, so that you don’t go all over the school with your ID on so that everyone who looks at you knows that you just came from the lib.
16-30 You’re moderately familiar with the school by now. You can tell Kostka from Berchmans, and probably know that you don’t need an ID to get an issue of The GUIDON from the Pubroom.
31-40 You are a true blue. You are even equipped with the internal homing device which automatically orients every Atenean to face towards the admi flagpole every time the national anthem is played over the PA system. (and sometimes the Angelus too.)