New punishment for cheating students
Cheaters to be shot from cannon
by Cannon Judge Cardine
Expulsion has taken on new meaning in the Ateneo, as the
Admi passed a new rule stating that students caught cheating in any academic
test will get an F, and then be shot from a cannon.
The landmark rule, proposed and approved by Assistant Dean
for Student Affairs and presidential aspirant Dr. Manuel Tejido, will be
put into effect immediately, once the administration is able to purchase
a suitable cannon for the job.
“We originally planned to buy a cannon from the AFP,”
said Acting Dean Assunta Cuyegkeng. “But it turns out their cannons
are just hollow metal tubes that can’t even shoot anything. So, we
were thinking of purchasing a secondhand cannon from Corregidor. But then,
Chairman Richard Gordon offered to donate to us an anti-aircraft cannon
from Subic. We really appreciated that. I only hope we can squeeze the offending
students into the barrel.”
The cannon will be erected alongside the telescope at Manila
Observatory, from where it can be swivelled up down, left and right. The
cannon is strong enough to rocket someone to Guam.
“It’s about time a punishment like this was enforced
in the school,” said ultra-conservative CB President Kenneth Ling Nam.
“The Central Board has lobbied for years in favor of different forms
of corporal punishment. Our bills for paddling, caning, whipping, water
torture, death by firing squad, death by lethal injection, and death by
listening to Barry Manilow music were all rejected. But finally, we have
a way to punish cheaters and send them as exchange students to hated countries
at the same time.” |
CB solves El Niño drought
problem
THE EL Niño water crisis has been solved.
In response to acute water shortages, the Ateneo Central
Board, in consultation with Physical Plant Administrator Leoncio Miralao,
Jr., is requiring the drinking of beer rather than water on campus. The
measure met with unanimous support from both the administration and the
studentry.
The effects of the measure are evident. The vending machines
no longer carry Gatorade as students prefer San Miguel. The iced tea and
fruit shake vendors have also adapted by using natural fermented fruit flavor.
Most notable is the change in ROTC water breaks by Light
Duty commander C/Maj Matthew Cuan. “Tama yung San Mig para sa mga kadete,
di iced tea, para maging lalake talaga sila!”
Dr. Manuel Tejido, however, said that it was time to put
his foot down. “Sobra na yung mga iba riyan. Last week, five grade
school students collapsed while playing soccer dahil beer yung pinandilig
sa damo. I have also received a five-figure bill for the refilling of the
Cervini swimming pool with vodka. This is crazy.”
Gino Rio de Janeiro |
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