Living in Pain

Do you ever just hurt SO bad you would rather die than face just one more day the same way?  

I do.

I admit it.   I've thought a lot about dying.  How nice it would be to be out of pain.  

But I've spent more time thinking about living.  

How can I live this way?

What will make it easier to live this way?

Since no doctor seems able or willing to help me, how can I help myself?

Is there anyone who will help me?  My family? Friends?

Will God help me?

Many days and more nights, after long days of pain, I don't know if I can continue living.  

It's just too hard to fight the pain!

Sleep, yes, just sleep, so I won't feel the pain. 

But sleep won't come.  I hurt too bad to get to sleep.

I might as well get up and do something since I'm awake.

But I get so frustrated and angry because I can't do what I want to do or what I have to do.

So I sit.  I pace.  I return to bed, only to toss and turn.

I think about things on nights like this.  Days too, since night blends into early morning, when I'm expected to get through more hours of pain and later, try again for sleep that won't come.

I think about my former life and what I could do then that I can't do now.

And I think about what I might try to do now, now that my life is like this.

I think about what I can accomplish "tomorrow."  There's always hope that tomorrow will be better (but my hope ends up less real than the truth).

Yes, I think about a lot of things at night when my pain won't let me sleep.

I think about you a lot.  I wonder if you have ever spent just one night like my many, frequent nights?

I see you at your office and you look so well-rested, so healthy.   

So at night, I really wonder if you (or the other doctors I see) really know what it is like to not sleep because of pain?  And to not be able to do what you want or need to do each day?

You say you do.

I don't think you do.

During the day, I try to do my household chores.  I have to sit most of the time now to do things like folding clothes.  But it's hard to sit when trying to load a washer & dryer, or cook dinner, or scrub a bathroom.  No, not hard - impossible.  But, maybe you don't understand these things, since you are a man, a married man who relies on your wife to cook, clean and do laundry.  And the women doctors I've seen would never admit they cannot "do it all," even though they are healthy and not in pain!

My husband and I barely talk anymore.  He doesn't understand that vacuuming isn't so important anymore, not when my back pain barely lets me stand long enough to take a shower.  Oh he hates that too.  You see, we used to enjoy showering together, as a prelude to love-making later.  But sex has become second-rated here in my house, where pain rules my life every day and night.  

My husband hasn't given up his needs though, nor the expectation that I meet those needs.  He's often angry at me now since love-making only makes my back pain worse.   You know, I still have physical needs too!  But it's just too hard now with being in pain and not sleeping most nights.  My husband doesn't understand.

My world is falling apart, Doctor.  All because I hurt, I hurt so bad.   But you tell me to take Tylenol -- !!  Tylenol!  Doctor!!   You just don't get it, you don't understand!

I never used to take any pills, except for an occasional very bad headache.   Now, I want to swallow Tylenol by the handful.   But it wouldn't do any good; Tylenol doesn't even touch my pain.

After I complained to you about my pain during every visit for a year, you prescribed an anti-depressant, saying I was just "depressed."  No, doctor, I'm not depressed, I'm in pain.   But you said it would help with my sleep, so I agreed to take it.  You said it might take 6 weeks to feel better.  

Well, I tried it for 6 months.  I became like a zombie -- awake but not functioning.  Yes I slept, but I was so drugged I didn't move all night and so, my back hurt even worse every morning.  Well, actually afternoon, because I couldn't get out of bed until 1 p.m. because of feeling so drugged.  And then I spent my days, every day, feeling drugged and useless.  I can't function when I feel so drugged I can't think straight!   You said it was the lowest dose available, and it only comes it capsules.  My mom has said our whole family is extra sensitive to medications.  I guess I am too, because you think I should be able to function since it is such a low dose drug.  But, doctor, the fact is, I'm not functioning -- at all NOW.  At least before I was able to get some housework done!  Now the dirty dishes and laundry sit for weeks.  My kids are fending for themselves.  And you know what?  Even with the anti-depressant, I'm STILL IN PAIN.   Feeling hung-over, drugged, and still in pain!  At least before I could try to get things done in my life.  Like this, though, I can't get even one thing done each day!

When I stopped that medicine myself, you insisted I try other anti-depressants.  I did try and most were worse than the first one.  And, through it all, I've still be in severe pain.  You went through the list of muscle relaxers next, but none helped.  And of course, some caused allergic reactions for me - like it wasn't already bad enough with being in pain, I had to go through being up all night itching AND in pain.  Just to prove to you that I was willing to try, to prove I was being cooperative.  Oh yeah, those drugs really helped a lot, huh?

You tell me I'm an angry person.  Damn right I'm angry now!  I told you of this pain over 2 years ago, yet you tell me "nothing is wrong" --- BUT, you have yet to run one test, order one X-Ray, or MRI, or any other test for me!  So tell me, HOW do you KNOW there is "nothing wrong?"

Oh, right!  You say you "know" because I had stress in my life when this began: my husband works seasonal construction; my youngest has ADHD; my oldest got pregnant at age16; my middle child had to go to summer school because he failed math; my old car breaks down every month...  Yes, doctor, my life is stressful -- but stress alone didn't cause my back pain!  Remember?  Remember I told you that winter day when I slipped on ice while getting into my old clunker, then about three months later, I felt my back go into spasms when I was up on a ladder to repair a window that was leaking rain up close to the roof?  Remember doctor, how I said I'd extended my arm and body to reach farther than I should have and then, I couldn't get down the ladder or even walk without help?  THAT is when all this pain started, with that slip on the ice when getting into my car.  And I hate to tell you this, but last month I caught my foot while going up the stairs and now my shoulder hurts so bad I can't lay on that side.  

So doctor, WHAT are you going to DO about my pain?

Wait!  Now just wait one minute!  WHY are you talking to me like I'm a drug addict (eww!)?  You KNOW me!  I've been seeing you for years now!  You know I'm not a drug addict!!  

What?? You say you won't give me ANYthing??  Nothing??  You can rattle off all the supposed studies you want about narcotics "cause" drug addiction, *I* am not an addict!  You say those studies show that people get "addicted" and therefore you won't be party to getting any patient addicted?

(Pause).  Well, I don't want to be addicted EITHER.  But I read that people do get physically dependent on pain meds, but those patients with real pain do not "become addicts".  Do you only read *some* studies and not others?  Won't you please try something?  No?????   Doctor, WHY are you so stuck in your biases that you won't hear that you are wrong??

Finally, finally, finally I've found a doctor who understands!  Finally, finally, finally, I have some relief from that unending pain.  I can at least think straight for part of each day, without PAIN simply running my entire life!  My god, I need to ask, I must ask:

Why didn't you help me?  

Why did you let me suffer all that time??

ill you only understand what it is like to live like this 
when YOU become injured, when YOU develop pain???