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ONWARD ~ and ~
UPWARD
by Judith Florian, R.N.
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Featuring articles and
discussion of diverse topics, including:
Issues concerning Disabilities,
Home Health Care, Sexual Abuse of Children, and Advocacy.
FOCUS:
Physical, Emotional,
Psychological (Mental)
DISABILITIES and
ILLNESSES
Jump to Sections Discussed
Within This Topic:
Page 5:
The Extremes
In
others responses...
In Your Own responses :
Sadness...Despondency...Suicidal Thoughts
For ease of reading, I have broken these topics onto
separate pages, as listed above. This page discusses how, sometimes,
the reactions to disability and illness can shift to extremes. Both
the disabled or ill person, and the caregivers/helpers/employees and medical
persons can react in ways that are not helpful or beneficial.
Unfortunately, the reactions of others can compound what an ill or disabled
person is going through. And, without adequate supports, the ill or
disabled person can lose themselves in overwhelming sadness, despondency and
even contemplate suicide.
The Extremes In
others' responses...
Others might have your best intentions at heart, but that
person is not you. YOU get to make the decisions about how you want to
live. Powerlessness and helplessness (and struggles between
independence and dependence) are just some of the many "normal"
stages and issues one goes through repeatedly in trying to adjust and accept
the totally different life they now have after an acquired disability (e.g.
from accident, injury, illness).
These issues are compounded or lessened depending on the
way one is treated by caregivers (such as those who try to take over and
treat you like a child simply because some help is needed). Caregivers
struggle to find a balance on these issues, too, and some are totally
unaware that they are adding to the problems).
Do as much as possible
to set your own boundaries, make decisions about your daily life and your
future life, and don't allow others to control those decisions or control
your life. Be clear about what you need help with - and what you
don't need help with from others. You may need to have a
heart-to-heart talk with friends or family who continue to try to take over
your life. Tell them you appreciate their help, but explain that
you think it would work better if they helped you with one or two things you
need most. Giving them a couple ideas and asking if they would
be responsible for just those things may help keep the person focused on
what you do agree needs done, but keep them out of areas that you can or
want to do for yourself.
If the person still tries to do more than the agreed-upon
items, you may want to have another talk. And you may have to confront
them in stronger statements of what you do want, and don't want.
When someone tries to take over, or "tell you what
to do," you might try simply saying that "I'm not sure if that is
what I want to do, but I'll consider it." That may be
enough to reinforce that YOU are in charge of your own life.
In Your Own responses :
Sadness...Despondency...Suicidal Thoughts
Sadness...Despondency...Suicidal
Thoughts
There comes a time (actually many) when a
person has to deal with the sadness and losses that comes as a normal
process, arising from the circumstances one now faces. It's normal to
feel sad, to grieve, and to feel angry about things you've had to give
up. It's also normal to grieve or feel angry each time you have to
give up something from your former life. A person may first give
up a hobby or a sport when they first become disabled. Then, maybe
they struggle to continue working full-time, then fight to work
part-time...then face a 3rd loss when they have to give up the job
entirely. (Some persons of course go right from being employed to not
going to work, and that can be a very hard adjustment.) With loss of
the job, goes former friends and activities associated with that
job.
Physically there can be a series of
losses, like, going from living a normal life to a sudden or progressive
loss of function. In many diseases, there are only slight
adjustments at first, but over time there are more and more. For
example, someone with Multiple Sclerosis may first give up walking
independently and have to use a cane... later, arm crutches...later, a
walker...then a wheelchair.........and finally, cannot get out of bed to use
those devices. Someone with low back pain may also go through the same
progression in having to use assistive devices, as the pain or disease
causing the pain worsens.
| I remember the day I quit work. It was a mixed
blessing I thought at the time, because although I missed working, I
thought I could use a little "vacation" too. Little
did I know that I would never work again! Over the next years
I concentrated on hobbies like gardening and focused on my child's
needs and activities. But when she turned 18, there was no
more activities I had to do for her. And when my health took a
sudden down-turn, things like gardening and tending flower beds had
to be abruptly stopped. Through the next year, I had to adjust
to always being indoors and the feeling I had lost my independence
totally. Just *seeing* the outdoors is something we take for
granted, and that was a loss to me. For months on end, I only
saw the sun and felt the wind through one small window. I
started using a cane the next year, when I could finally get out of
bed. But, I quickly had to go to a walker and use a wheelchair
when I got out (every 2 months only) to go to the doctor. How
humiliating I felt it was! I could still remember when I used
to drive and could "jump in the car" to do my own
errands. And although I wasn't driving anymore, I still hung
onto my old car, continuing to pay the regular-priced insurance --
just to keep it in the drive-way. When its battery died,
I paid for a new one -- because to be a legally registered car it
had to be kept in running order. I fought with friends to keep
starting it regularly. In that period of time, I realized it
had been 7 years since I had gone into a store, even a grocery
store! In my home, I had to wait until someone came -- just to
get a book I wanted or just to get a bath! But -- I
still kept my car -- as the last sign of my
"independence"! Somehow I managed in those 7
years to present myself at the State registrar's office to renew my
driver's license -- even though I was not the person even starting
my car, which sat unused in the driveway week after week, month
after month, year after year. Then, four years had passed
since my last visit to the Registrar. On that cold winter day
(actually, month), having gone through a year of increasing problems
in walking, I knew I couldn't "fake it" long enough to get
my picture taken and eyes examined; I had to let my driver's license
lapse. My friends couldn't understand WHY it was such a big
deal, when I barely get out of the house at all. But it was a
BIG deal -- to me. My fantasy of future independence
seemed ripped away from me. |
There is a continual struggle between independence and
accepting the dependency of illness. Along with all of the adjustments one
is forced to make, the ill/disabled person often struggles with "what is my
purpose -- now?" "WHY am I here" can be a powerfully
painful question, especially if someone used to be very active. And,
"where do I go from here," can feel like such an overpowering
question, one that often does not have easy answers. It is so easy to go
from sadness, to despondency, to suicidal thoughts. Feelings can be
triggered by a variety of sources, but especially when one hears about the death
of someone who is young and who had been otherwise healthy: "Why am I left
here and that person was taken?" Or, when there are few friends or
family who seem to understand -- or when a person has no family to care for them
in the illness/disability. Well-meaning friends can add to the feeling
that one is only a burden to everyone.
| I knew a woman whose friends flat out told her that she
should just commit suicide! One of her friends would tell her
"I don't know why you haven't already swallowed a bottle of
pills." The friend thought she was saying something that
acknowledged the disabled woman's emotional pain ---- but, it was a
horribly cruel thing to say to anyone. The disabled woman ended up
taking her own life! |
The fact is, it is NOT easy to go
through continual losses, sadness and depression about the obstacles one faces
in a changed-life. It is NOT easy to find any kind of balance in one's
emotions, and focus solely on what CAN be done. The ill/disabled person
has to DAILY CHOOSE LIFE over giving up, even if the things a person can do
towards "life" are limited. It's important to find some
activity that fulfills you and keeps you going everyday. Yes, there will
be days that depression takes over; a person wouldn't be normal if there
weren't sad days. But what's important is to still pick your head up off
the pillow the NEXT day, and for as many more days that you can before the
next bad day hits.
It helps to make yourself
goals. No one but you has to know what goals you pick. It's just
important to commit to something -- for YOU. Goals might be: I'll walk 2
more feet today than I usually do; I'll work on something that interests
me for at least 1 hour a day; I'll do one more thing today than I normally do
FOR MYSELF. Make your goal specific as possible, and stick to it!
And, be proud of yourself every day that you complete your goal. Like
I said, no one else has to know.
What's important is, YOU KNOW.
Allow yourself to celebrate the
life you still have;
commit to doing something with your
life!
Disabilities
overview
Disabilities Articles 1 - My
experience is not your expectation....
Disabilities Articles 2 - EVER
ONWARD...EVER UPWARD
Disabilities Articles 3 - Hard
Days, Hard Nights
Home
Health Care and Medical Care Issues
The
Training of Caregivers and Home Health Aides (& needed
changes)
The
Criteria Used in Training of Home Health Aides
Life
for a Patient Receiving Home Health Care - Excerpt from book
with link to A Day in the Life of a
Nursing Home Patient
On
Advocacy & Being Your Own Advocate
Sign
Guestbook
 
Coping Index
Coping
through Writing... Coping
Through Music... Coping
Through Dreams
Coping
Through Inspiration-1 (large photo)... Coping
Through Inspiration-2 (small pictures)..
Coping
Through Inspiration-3.. Coping Through Day-Dreaming...
Life-Coaching...
On-Frustrations...
On-Rejection...
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If you have corrections to the content
of this site
or if you find broken links, please email me. |
The title "Onward ~ and ~ Upward" is a
"motto" I used as a teenager and young adult --- then forgot about for
a number of years. I feel it is a fitting motto to strive for and a
fitting title for the topics of this website.
(c) Judith Ann Florian
159 E. Main St.
Girard, Ohio 44420
Disclaimer: This website is intended to convey
information and discussion ONLY, on a variety of topics, and reflects the
views of this author and submitters to this website. The information
provided on this website is not intended as a substitute for a medical opinion
or diagnosis. If you are suffering from an illness, injury, pain or
other symptoms, please seek help and diagnosis from a medical professional.
If you are feeling suicidal or are thinking of harming yourself, in any way or
by any means, call your therapist, your local 911, your local police
department or other law enforcement, your local hospital emergency room, and
your local crisis numbers. The webmaster of this site will not reply to emails
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provided is for personal use only and may not be used on any other website.
All graphics and content on this web site are under copyright. No portion
may be reproduced, in part or in whole. Contact the webmaster for
information about publication rights. © 2005-present, Judith Florian,
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This page was last updated on Friday, April 28, 2006 19:14
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(genetic
or acquired....physical and psychological...)
