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Shame
Shame can be a healty part of life. It can teach us what is acceptable in our society and what isn't. But when a child is shamed too much when small and when growing up, it creates toxic shame or a "shame based personality." Shame can come from real or perceived loss of security in early childhoood. When a parent shows loss of love or it's withdrawal, or rejection to a child, the child is left with strong, painful emotions and the belief that they are "unlovable." The child either acts out or withdraws. These emotions change the childs badic ablitlity to trust others and cause dysfunctional behaviors.
When guilt is used excessively, it to can cause excessive deep shame.
Guilt was something that was actively thrown upon us by our perpetrators while we were being abused. "I didn't do anything, you brought this on yourself." "You asked for it." "If you didn't act like that, it wouldn't happen." And more phrases like this were their explanations for any and all types of abuses done to us. They used them so often we eventually believed them. To this day we fight to get rid of the feelings of guilt we still feel. Is it any surprise we absorbed all this guilt while being shamed so much?
Physical, emotional, verbal and sexual abuse used as punishment can also cause excessive deep shame. They permanently scar the child with feelings of being devalued. Internalizing the shame of others, feeling dirty and bad, from sexual abuse, they absorb the shame of the adult who abused them. The child loses the correct attitude of, "I made a mistake, I can correct it." Instead they automatically turn to feelings of being unworthy, avoiding the shame, but reinforcing feelings of inadequacy and helplessness.
Shamed people try to shrink from notice, while everyone else becomes more dangerous to them by perceived size being larger. The shamed person feels vulnerable and exposed very easily, kind of like being seen in a bikini in a room full of people in formal dress. The thoughts triggered by this kind of feeling are usually painful and reinforce their idea they have reason to be ashamed.
This helps develop our self hatred, a little at a time until it is what it becomes in adulthood - a monster of self destruction. We call ourselves terrible names, consider ourselves to be worthless carcasses taking up otherwise valuable spaces.
This is the kind of shame I grew up with, and many other abused people have too. Getting rid of this unhealthy shame takes courage and determination and a good therapist. There are also good workbooks on self-esteem out there, but I still feel you need a counselor to help you work through all the damage done to you when you were being abused.
Are any of these thoughts familiar to you?
I am defective (damaged, broken, flawed, a mistake).
I am dirty (soiled, unclean, impure, filthy, disgusting).
I am incompetent (not good enough, inept, ineffectual, useless).
I am unwanted (unloved, unappreciated, uncherished).
I deserve to be abandoned (forgotten, unloved, left out).
I am weak (small, impotent, puny, feeble).
I am bad (awful, dreadful, evil, despicabel).
I am pitiful (contemptible, miserable, insignificant).
I am nothing (worthless, invisible, unnoticed, empty).
I deserve criticism (condemnation, disapproval, destruction).
I feel ashamed (embarrassed, humiliated, mortified, dishonored).*
We expect these kinds of criticisms regularly from others, and are not disappointed when they come. We are unable to react appropriately to praise, barely able to reply with a monotone, "Thank you." We feel the praise is another way to make fun of us or mockingly criticize us.
All this makes it difficult for us to be around people. There are too many conversations to pay attention to in social functions. And we must hear all of what is being said so we know what is being said about us and can react to protect and withdraw as soon as needed. We become people who stay at home because being around people is exhausting and painful. We withdraw, physically and emotionally.
These are thoughts and ideas that deeply shamed people have frequently during the day. Do any of them sound familiar to you?
I have no right to exist.
I am inadequate.
Something is wrong with me.
I am not worth loving.
I am a mistake.
I don't belong.
I deserve to be abandoned.
I am ugly.
I am dirty.
I am a burden to others.
I don't count.
I deserve criticism.
I am unwanted.
I am worthless.
I am dishonored.
I am not good enough.
I am humiliated.
I should not be.
I am hateful, no one could love me.
I am nothing.
I am disgusting.
I am useless.
Even though these statements are not true, deeply shamed people feel they are, and they make it so much harder to fit into and have a useful part in the world. These ideas have given life to feelings that created painful ideas and attitudes about ourselves that are often not true.
All the thoughts and feelings that cannot be honored are repressed and come out later as substitute emotions and dysfunctional behavior. Other emotions that are seen can be anger, depression, exaggerated pride, anxiety and helplessness - to avoid the total blackness of being bad. People who are super critical have a heavy shame core inside.
Shame occurs in waves that are limited in how long they last. Normally people recover quickly and gain something useful from the experience. To the deeply shamed person it becomes a spiral along with rage that will continue unless it gets immediate attention.
It can last months or years, in which the person reevaluates the shame and feels worse about themselves and then the anger and rage increase to avoid the shameful feelings. Other shame driven behaviors are acting out, depression, anxiety, and compulsive behaviors. Some people are self deprecating and use submissive behavior to avoid the shaming behaviors of others. Some turn to addictive substances and activities to numb the emotional pain inside. The dissociation disorders are based in shame with distortion of reality and developing separate parts of the personality to hide from the shame. (Narcissistic behavior, prejudice, bigotry, revenge, and grudges are methods to displace the self from experiencing the shame. Antisocial behavior is another example, along with violence and membership in gangs.)
My special focus in on the dissociative part of the shame based population. Anything that causes more dissociation is a cause for concern to me. And yes, I would bet we have several insiders who hold shame for us from childhood and what was done to us. We have several for whom we have no history as yet.
How many of us struggle with this deep shame every day and don't know how to bring it up to our therapists to try to deal with it. It was so hard for us, we wrote a history of most of the abuses that happened to us so we could tell him we felt a lot of shame, and point to that paper and say that was why, what happend and how we were treated during the abuse. It was really hard and we were shaking the whole time and for a while afterward. But it was worth it. There is a way to release that shame from childhool, and to do it safely, over time, so that eventually we won't feel so deeply shamed, and feel more normal - whatever the world that is! I would like to feel like I am just as good as other people, and believe it. I know the words, I need to know the feelings. I want to know the feelings, despirately. To feel as good as other people! Wow, wouldn't that be a kick? We are working on it now, so you can watch our journal for updates on how it is going.
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