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Incest has been around since the origins of man. In giving mankind free will, or free agency, mankind was given the opportunity to do good, beneficial, helpful things to others or for them, or the opportunity to do harm, maliciousness, bestialities, and sodomies upon others. The reason the Bible gives for the destruction of Sodom and Gomorrah were the terrible sins perpetrated upon others. So incest is not a recent development in society. The only differences in different eras of time, in how society has handled the offenses and offenders. This of course, goes from purposful obliviousness to death and dismemberment of offenders. Unfortunately, many times the innocent victims are blamed for something beyond their control. Children cannot make adults behave badly in sexual ways. Children look to their parents for role models for good behavior. Between threats of harm or loss of pets or family given by abusers, and the desire of children to please their parents, the odds are stacked against the child in favor of abusers.
Children do not think up these strange stories they tell us. Children as young as 2 years old cannot think up the words for what happened. But they have the ability to show what was done to them. Children are all about learning, growing, self mastery, and fun. They are not into sexuality, unless they have been abused, or conditioned, to display that behavior in a given situation.
Can you imagine how devastating incest is to the child as he/she grows up? Many times it was "forgotten", or dissociated from conscious memory, because it was to painful to remember. Can you imagine how disruptive it is to a young adult or middle aged person to "suddenly" remember what feel like horrible, shameful, disgusting, dehumanizing memories? How they try to relate to spouses while in the midsts of memories flashing in and out on them? How they agonize over telling their spouses in fear of being rejected, unwanted and unloved by someone they have loved? How difficult it is for the children of these people, to try to understand why mom or dad is having a really bad time with emotions, and yet not know what caused it? And what parent wants to impart that knowledge to their children?
Imagine how these memories influence a person's relationship with their 'higher power?' How it raises many questions about that 'higher power' and where it was when all this was happening?
Do you know what it feels like to look at yourself in the mirror, and suddenly see something totally different than ever before? How this newly acquired knowledge changes the self image and self worth of an individual?
Incest is not the only abuse usually happening. Incest is usually accompainied by emotional, mental, physical or spiritual abuse. It usually does not occur in a vaccum by itself. The other abuses could be remembered all along, or be buried with the incest. Someone recovering from all these other abuses is already struggling to keep their life together and sort it out, make sense of it, and rebuild themselves and their lives. To someone who remembers nothing, it is like the earth has opened up and you have been thrown into a jagged pit. The only way to heal from abuses is to go through it, every part, no matter how often, until you have learned all you can about what happened and how it affects you now. Then it can be placed into the past to become an unpleasant memory that only affects you occasionally. Unlike the flashbacks that are frequent and recurrent until issues are resolved to the best of one's ability.
Going through it involves looking at family relationships in a whole new light. The perfect family, that never really was, is now seen as a nightmare. How can you look at that parent with love and trust when you now know the truth about what was done to you? Anger, revulsion, guilt-yes, we feel guilt for what was done to us, along with shame, betrayal, and many other feelings are stirred up in the victim. The whole family is affected, as well as all family relationships. Many members of the family will not believe the victim. This is seen as another betrayal by the victim. Not only have they been betrayed by the abuser, but now they are not believed. One of the most important things to someone who has been abused is to receive validation from others. Most don't receive it from family. To support the abused person means those who knew of the abuse would have to acknowledge their own complicity. They would have to look at their own actions that contributed to the abuse happening, and most have not got the ego strength to go through this type of self searching. So the victim of the abuse is left alone in the process of healing and building a new life. It is no great wonder that many drift away from their family of origin, or maintain only superficial ties. Many keep their children under close supervision when near family to preven opportunities for abuse to them from happening. It is their responsibility to stop the abuse from repeating into the next generation. Families, in their denial, complain that the abused person is cold, unfeeling, vindictive, and worse. No matter how you cut it, the abused person remains the scapegoat for the family throughout the rest of their life if they dare to expose the secrets.
Many keep the secrets to themselves and pay a heavy price. Their visits with family are a constant source of upheaval and anxiety. They go through agony with visits home and to abusers. They spend days before and after reliving the trauma of past abuses and fears of potential abuse. Some are still abused as adults visiting their old abusers. It is a viscious situation with no easy solution for them. They don't want to lose family, but family is still toxic to them. They live in a horrible nightmare that doesn't end.
Having opted to tell the secrets, and take the consequences, I must say it is not easy. No one in our family but a few believe me. The rest politely stopped talking to me, and I have lost all contact with most of my family - which is a large extended one. It is lonely to go from all that family to virtually none. I am older now, and I have only my siblings for my family. Do I regret what I did? No. I validated what my cousin said 4 years earlier. We broke the silence. We took a stand and tried to prevent further abuse. Our abuser suicided rather than face the accusations she made. To me, that act speaks volumes.
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