|
OUR JOURNAL
We decided to keep a part of our journal online, as another part of our fight against the depression winning, our possibly suiciding, and as a way to commit to liviing. We will try to write at least weekly, and try to let you know what goes on in our life.
We all sign our names, so you will know who has been writing.
One of two very compelling reasons we are making this commitment is our reading the story of a suicide's effect on her significant other. We do not want to inflict that pain on anyone. We were certain we wouldn't hurt anyone if we suicided, until we read this. (The site is no longer viable on line.)
The second reason was reading this:
Reasons To Not Kill Yourself
by Mari Collings
Because you deserve to live.
Because your life has value, whether or not you can see it,
because it was not your fault,
because you didn�t choose to be battered and used,
because life itself is precious, because they were and are wrong,
because you are connected to each and every other abuse survivor,
and so your daily battle automatically give others hope and strength.
Because you will feel better, eventually,
because each time you confront despair you get stronger,
and you can�t know now what you will ultimately be able to do with
this new morsel of strength, what future battles you will be able to win,
because if you die today you will never again feel love
for another human being, or trust, or gratitude; because you
will never again see kindness and compassion in another�s eyes.
Because if you die today you will never again see sunlight
pouring through the leaves of a tree, or a bird take flight,
or feel the quality of light in winter,
because the seconds do not cease their passing,
because even if it feels like time has become an unbearably heavy stone,
it has not, and you only have to endure,
because you have already won... you have known
the cleverness and resiliency and courage and stubborn will to make it this far,
and no one can take that away,
because the will to live is not a cruel punishment,
even if it feels like that at times: it is a priceless gift.
Because your inner children need you, they have no one else
and their need is so great, and because they deserve more than anyone
to be healed and comforted; they are true heroes against impossible odds.
Unfortunately this site is also no longer available. But it gave us a lot of reasons to go on living. It helped when we couldn't see a reason to go on.
If you are thinking suicide, read this first.
If you are feeling suicidal, go here for hotlines.
We all sign our names, so you will know who has been writing.
One of two very compelling reasons we are making this commitment is our reading the story of a suicide's effect on her significant other. We do not want to inflict that pain on anyone. We were certain we wouldn't hurt anyone if we suicided, until we read this. (The site is no longer viable on line.)
The second reason was reading this: Reasons To Not Kill Yourself Because you deserve to live. Because your life has value, whether or not you can see it, because it was not your fault, because you didn�t choose to be battered and used, because life itself is precious, because they were and are wrong, because you are connected to each and every other abuse survivor, Because you will feel better, eventually, because each time you confront despair you get stronger, because if you die today you will never again feel love Because if you die today you will never again see sunlight because the seconds do not cease their passing, because you have already won... you have known because the will to live is not a cruel punishment, Because your inner children need you, they have no one else
by Mari Collings
and so your daily battle automatically give others hope and strength.
and you can�t know now what you will ultimately be able to do with
this new morsel of strength, what future battles you will be able to win,
for another human being, or trust, or gratitude; because you
will never again see kindness and compassion in another�s eyes.
pouring through the leaves of a tree, or a bird take flight,
or feel the quality of light in winter,
because even if it feels like time has become an unbearably heavy stone,
it has not, and you only have to endure,
the cleverness and resiliency and courage and stubborn will to make it this far,
and no one can take that away,
even if it feels like that at times: it is a priceless gift.
and their need is so great, and because they deserve more than anyone
to be healed and comforted; they are true heroes against impossible odds.
If you are feeling suicidal, go here for hotlines.
June 23, 2008
We have been diagnosed as also having Bipolar Disorder along with the Dissociative Identity Disorder. This makes a little sense of the racing emotional highs and lows we have gone through in even one day's time in the past. We are now stabilized on medicines. The side effects of the medicines interfere with our creativity to a significant degree, but it is better than a full blown manic attack! We are working on the website, trying to update the site and correct links. We hope you find your way around ok, and find something useful here. That is is for now. Jill
July 2, 2008
We had our therapy session yesterday, and spent it helping a child insider remember and deal with feelings of shame she experienced when being molested by our uncle when around 2 years old. I could feel her cheeks burning and her body shrinking as he said words to shame her, while she pulled her clothes back in place. It was an unpleasant experience to say the least. We are dealing with the shame from the past so we can walk around feeling less ashamed on a daily basis. We are working on a page on shame that will explain this better. We will be repeating this process from yesterday at least 3 times a week until we go back to our therapist to see how it affects how we feel in general.
July 8, 2008
We have had our littles being prolific with poetry from their last therapy session, and so added a page of their poems. They are very triggering. But there is therapeutic value in the poems bringing to light their feelings and perspectives. From as small as a 4 year old to a 9 year old, they are writing their feelings. We had a birthday and spent it quietly enjoying ourselves. It is interesting to see how these small ones are claiming their space!
December 8, 2008
We have had a rough few months. We had to have major abdominal surgery for removal of a tumor in the pancreatic duct. The tumor was not cancerous, thank heaven, but we had a rough 6 weeks waiting for the surgery and biopsy reports to come back. Plus we had to recover from the surgery itself. We are feeling much better now, and are beginning to do the normal stuff around the house. Sorry for not being around here, but everything suffered when we found out about the problem leading up to the discovery of the tumor. Hopefully we will write more often.
Sign My Guestbook 
View My Guestbook
Cass' System!
Cass' System!
