|
|
|
Memories are not pleasant things. They involve humiliation, degradation, pain, shame, self-hatred, guilt, anger - at perpetrators and ourselves. No matter how hard we try, we are constantly battling depression, self-harm and suicidal ideas. It has taken a large amount of antidepressant to mediate the depression. We still have free-floating anxiety - not dependent on anything happening around us. The higher our anxiety level, the more intense are the self-harm and suicidal thoughts. They have found that some of this anxiety and suicidal ideation is a part of being bipolar and in a manic phase. Now that the manic phase is under control, we are not as anxious or as suicidal.
This does not change how memories affect us when they do come up. They hurt, deep down inside, causing lots of shame, anger, guilt, and humiliation that just seems to wash over us like waves of emotions, too raw to go away. And they can stay for a long while, or they can come and go at will. Sometimes dealing with them is a moment to moment thing. Other times it is hour to hour, or day to day.
Call your therapist if you need to (be prepared to wait for a call back). Have a support system that you can call for help on a bad day. Even if they can only give you 5, 10 or 15 minutes at a time, it is a help. Ask how soon you can call back, if it is ok. Stick to their time frame so you don't burn them out.
Write how you feel in a journal, in detail. Let nothing out, don't hold back. You are sharing with yourself.
Learn what soothes you - music, curling up with a book, having a blanket and a stuffie, sitting under a tree, a cup of tea, blasting your favorite music and dancing, whatever it is, try things till you find it. Then use it to help soothe you when you are dealing with memories. We use oil of bergamot because the scent helps chase away body memories. We use oil of lavendar to calm and soothe. These are essential oils found in home fragrance areas. We sometimes take a nap to calm down. Use whatever tool you have that works and is not harmful to you or anyone else.
Read and keep the patient information sheet the pharmacist gives you for each medicine you take. Make sure your doctor knows the name of every medicine you take, medical ones and even over the counter medicines. No matter what medication you take, there are always side effects of some kind. The most common are:
Remembering all the different parts of the memories is a slow process. Then adding all the parts together and putting it in the past where it belongs is a hard task. It can take months to a few years, with weekly therapy sessions. Some of us cannot afford weekly sessions, and it takes longer. Sometimes the feelings become overwhelming, and then the task is finding a way to contain these feelings between sessions so that you can go on with your life - jobs, children, etc. Sometimes it becomes too much for a while, and people will need a vacation from the work. Not everyone has that problem. During this time of concentrated remembering, one sometimes discovers new alters. This is not a bad thing, it is discovering another protector who came to your rescue when you needed it. Each alter has some essential differences.
Some of the feelings memories can stir up are as follows:
This is where your therapist and all the supportive people in your life help. They can keep you aware of your life and things going on around you, of your real worth, that there is no tatoo on your forehead that says VICTIM, that people do care, and that you are not alone. This is where you have to begin to develop a positive self image and good self esteem. Your self worth is essential to help you get through all the negative feelings the memories may stir up in you. Read books to increase self esteem, use work books for the same thing, work with your therapist on self esteem. It really is essential to your recovery. Listen to the positive things people tell you. Talk to your therapist about negative feelings or comments made to you. Get an unbiased person to help you work them out.
Treat others as you want to be treated. It goes a long way to getting the kind of attitude and respect from others that you want to receive. Even those people you don't care for, treat them kindly. They may have a problem like yours or a similar one. We are not the only sufferers around. If you can't be friendly, be civil. That is something we should expect from even those who don't like us. Civility is what makes us different from animals.
Switching, when one alter changes places with the host, is another problem area. In a system where all the insiders and host (system) are co-conscious or aware of each other, this is not as problematic as they can usually work out a plan for who is hosting and when. In a system where some, or all, insiders (alters) are unknown to the host, it results in time gaps for the host, who then has to try and figure out what the world is going on! I recommend keeping a notebook of what you do and when, and asking yourselves to write down who takes over and what was done in that time block. It may take a while to get cooperation but it is worth it in the end. With time gaps come those times when someone says you said or did something that you have no knowledge of. It is going to be a fact of life and get your kids to write notes on where they are and who they are with, "in case I forget." Same with husband. Talk to your therapist about how and when to explain this illness to your spouse/significant other and children. Be prepared for attitude. Know kids will test you. See if you can remember anything at all! If they know you have child alters they may try to get the kids out to play! Ours did to color - the smell of crayola brand crayons got one of our kids out for the longest time, till they teased her, and she wouldn't play with those bad boys! Thank heaven, because we couldn't stop her from taking control! You may find you can control some insiders from taking control of hosting, and some you cannot. You may want to explain this one to your spouse after he/she knows about the DID. With time and therapy comes cooperation and management of the system. Meeting the needs of the system is important to a well organized system.
Headaches and sleepiness can come from a lot of switching, including migraines. Try to catch the headache early and do something actively to treat it - a darkened room, quiet, cool cloth on painful area, medicine as discussed with your doctor. You may never get a headache from switching, I know many with DID who don't. I included it here because it is part of what you may experience.
Be careful who you tell you have DID to. I told a professional with whom I worked, counting on her support, as she was my mentor for 5 years. She quickly walked away, never returned my phone calls, and it totally devastated me. Of all the medical community professionals I worked with, the few I told could not deal with it. "There but for the grace of God, go I," someone told me. In other words they were afraid working in the mental health field had somehow caused it. Like I was contagious. Being attacked by a patient made it flare into being obvious. Otherwise, no one would have ever known, in all likelihood. I had hidden the abuse that caused it so deep that it never came up until I was assaulted by a patient in a very similar situation to one in my childhood. I had no memories of the abuse until age 42. That is deeply hidden.
Some people experience depression during the time they deal with memories. It does not mean it has to be permanent. Some people can deal with the depression without medicines, some people cannot. Which ever way is best for you is the way you should be treated. We were too lethally suicidal, and opted for medicines, rather than repeated hospitalizations for suicide attempts. We didn't want to die most of the time. But we were horribly depressed and saw no hope. We see hope now, and look forward to a time when we can be more productive and healthier. Each individual is different and should be handled that way by their doctor.
|
|
|
|
