We are in relationships from the moment we are born until we die.  Some are born of need, as an infant to an adult for food, drink, safety, etc.  Some are with siblings, little friends, family.  We interact with teachers, other students, neighbors, people we meet on the street.  We develop friendships.  As we grow older, our relationships become more intimate. 

The effect of childhood abuse on the formation of all relationships in all stages of life is all pervasive.  Childhood abuse "taints" what we could have learned in a loving family-good values, trust, honest caring, how to make and keep friends, how to choose friends wisely, characteristics of good friends, what to expect from them and what to give to them in return. 

Normal childhood-without abuse that scars the individual in anyway- is when we learn from examples, from exploring our world, trial and error, and we learn about friendship from this.  We learn to be ourselves, secure in ourselves, from postitive interactions within a secure family setting, where we are valued and treated as a desirable part of the group.  As we make decisions-small at first- we learn from trial and error.  The same with judging if someone is a friend or not, who to allow as a friend, who to turn away.  Family values have a lot to do with the values we put on friends, what we learn in the basic family unit shapes us for the years to come.

Those of us who grew up abused did not have these wonderful, helpful experiences.  So we made many mistakes.  We looked for what felt familiar, not realizing that familiar would bring us the abuse we sought to escape.  And when the abuse came again, we felt it and tried to get away.  And it becomes a vicious cycle until we recognize the familiarity of the abuser's approach and actions earlier.  We began to sense them out, get a feel for them, and learned to avoid them.  This can take years, as perpetrators are very good at "grooming" their victims-gaining their trust slowly and very carefully.  Perpetrators have eternal patience to get what they really want.  But to them the goal is worth it.  They get the one they want to victimize.

Growing up without the normal interactions between parents and siblings, playmates, strangers, etc., handicapped us in learning to make friends.  We did not know what to look for!  We had no idea what qualities and characteristics a friend should have.  So, instinctively, we went along with what "felt" normal to us--abusive people.  All through school, high school, college, etc, non of us had a clue, because no one knew we didn't know better.  We kept getting into abusive situations because we didn't know what "normal" was!  We grew up hearing horrible names yelled at us by family, friends of family, and others.  After a while you start to believe what you are called and told you are. 

We never realized we had been abused( the memories were hidden from our consciousness) or had been in abusive situations, until in the 3rd abusive relationship for 19 years, and suddenly we couldn't funcion.  We became overwhelmed by the emotional, psychological and physical abuse all at one time.  We also realize just how precarious a situation we were in.  Learning to recognize the danger is not as easy as it sounds.

It has taken us all these years- 50+ -to learn what we never knew, and to learn those social skills small children learn.  We are not sophisticated, and can easily be taken advantage of by others.  We hold back from making friends until we are sure that the person is genuine and not playing a game.  We then continue to be careful with them for some time until we finally feel comfortable with them.  And even then we have our moments when we wonder what they see in us that they want to be our friend.  It is difficult to live this way, but we have significant trust issues. 

Having had our trust violated so often and in so many ways from childhood on up, we trust sparingly.  This makes relationship formation very difficult because we can never take anyone or anything at face value.  This simple set of statements has a huge impact that is almost impossible to explain in a few sentences.  If you cannot trust, how can you enjoy someone's company, go to their house, go to a concert with them, go to dinner with them, talk to them, or do any of the myriad of other normal daily things you do with people?  You can't!  And you can barely pretend.

So these are just some of the ways relationships are affected adversely when you have had a history of childhood abuse.