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7th October 1997

It has been a few days since the last entry into this diary. I am apologetic for losing control of my decision to keep you up to date.

Well after the traumers of two weeks ago, it seems that I have not been taken seriously. It is not fun standing out for who you are, and your ability to make decisions, but it will be sorted out, as God is my witness.

Anyway, onto more pleasurable things. I have been talking to my husbear from time to time ont he phone, and what joy it is to speak to him and to let Gareth know that I love him, and to let God know that I love Him more.

I have sen too many times of sadness in my life to want to keep dwelling there, but this last weekend has been a drain as I get closer to the anniversary of my grandfather's death. It seems that I have yet to fully come to terms wit this, and it will continue to be a part of my being for a while.

This was really painful as I was not in the UK, but here in Australia, plus thefact that I have yet to see his grave, is perhaps the hardest thing of all. On a note of some joy, I hope that my parents and uncles have found grandfather's book of poetry that he wrote. I would love to take one and put on these pages for you to read.

Gramps was often deeply philosophical, and yet wonderfully cheerful about his life, his illness, and his love. It could be aparent to some that he has had a great influence upon myself, and this is true. It could be said he has formed a lot of my ideals, my loves, and my character, possibly more than my parents in many respects. It is that aspect of him that I think I miss most.

Some will say to me "let God have the hurt", yet more of my heart says it is right to feel the pain still. A loved one is a special person who cannot be replaced just like that, God wants us to remember them for as long a s possible. It may mean that there are times of sadness because we are remembering the good times, but as we remember those times, the sadness will slowly turn to hope.

I think the Turtle Creek Chorale summed it up tremendously in a piece that was written for them by a member who passed away during the filming of a piece about them.

In "When We No Longer Touch", Kristopher Jon Anthony sets the music to Peter McWilliams' poetry about the death and mourning process. I leave my "review" of the album for my Music Collection, and leave these thoughts for you here.

The acceptance of the person's death and leaving you is wonderfully put in the phrase: "I shall miss missing loving you."

It is this that I know will occur, and that God will bring me to the point of me missing the fact I am missing the love I had for my grandfather. I praise my Lord for that.

I am happier today because I am writing to you guys who read this. I'm sure that you understand my thought processes, and some of you may understand them better than I do myself <G><.

Onto a very positive note, I had a wonderful email come to me a few days ago froma  young lady in Sydney congratulating my husbear and I on our courage to speak out on the website you are reading.

It seems that Lisa just wanted to thank God for us, and for the ability to stand in Him. I've published the email that Lisa sent as the first of what is hoped will be many letters. You can find it in the Gay Christian debate area.