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1st November 1997

Well I know, I have been slack, but things have been busy at work, and I have taken a short trip to Melbourne in the last month.

It may seem a strange title to use on the top of this page, but it has become evident once again over the past month how much I need my partner's love, and his company.

I started with a terrible battle on my hands, which is almost totally resolved, but the fact remains that it hurt. Both physically and emotionally.

I lost weight, it may not seem a lot but over 3kg is a big weight loss in under three weeks, especially when you only weigh in at 75kg normally. Emotionally I was shaken, and scared by what had happened.

After a short period of time, I made the appropriate moves, wrote everything down, and gave it to the relevant people.  Since then I have had meetings and discussions, and yet, it seems to me that people do not hear you, just ignore the facts.

Anyway one battle that fell in my favour was my continued working from home, which my students, and I, both feel is working without hassles. I'm glad to be able to continue this.

After the battles of the end of September (to which I refer to above), I went to Melbourne to relax, a move that my partner ordered me to do, when I asked him. It was the best thing I did. God met me there, he helped my painful steps through the anniversary of my grandfather's death. The trip was excellent and you can read about it elsewhere.

More importantly is the past few weeks. I have got closer to people again, and feel that I am able to ask for assistance. It is good, and it is also interesting that my opinion is being taken seriously again, or is this a ploy. I do not want to be paranoid about it.

Since my return to Kalgoorlie after Melbourne, I have felt increasingly lonely. Many nay think this is stupid, but when you pour out your heart to someone you barely know, and lie crying helpless, and vulnerable, it is not surprising. I thank Phil for being such a caring man. He and I found out a lot about each other that first Melbourne night. He was still battling with the feelings of betrayal after his partner left him. I was coming to a trauma time.

What happened was that God gave me a shoulder to cry upon, and Phil the strength to be honest with himself.

I wished that my husbear was there. I still do. Even when I was being held by Phil, I wished Gareth was there. I wanted to be in another place. My heart was breaking, and my spirit was weak. I was a wreck.

Somehow God has managed to bring me back, usually by making me laugh. I'm almost back to my normal self.  A self that the library staff find totally manic a lot of the time. For me - it is my way of making life fun. I'm glad God gave me my sense of humour!

It was remarked some time ago that I cry a lot in these notes. That is because I have always been able to be honest with my emotions. I only keep the "stiff upper lip" when I need to, like when leaving Gareth at San Francisco airport. Generally I will weep when I want to weep.

I've encountered some bigotry in people recently - mainly because they cannot see the fact that God loves the likes of me, a sinner. The other major attack has been from an "atheist" who asked me to prove faith. How can you prove it, if you prove faith you automatically take the rug from under your own feet. Faith relies upon something unseen, that something being GOD.

Some people cannot see this. Oh well, I pray that they will be able to see before it is time to meet god at the decision table.