The Principles of Bachelor Cooking
This tastes funny
The Principles of Bachelor Cooking
-
A properly balanced meal consists of meat, beer and one or fewer vegetable
ingredients. The permitted vegetables are: instant mashed potato or frozen peas.
-
Taking any active part in food preparation is cooking. This includes choosing
pizza toppings, phoning the order to the curry house and putting the frozen
lasagna into the microwave.
-
Salad is for rabbits.
-
The complete list of allowable barbeque foods is beer, hamburgers,
sausages, steak, ketchup, bread. But not too much bread.
-
Food does not age when put in the fridge. In future, people seeking the
secret of eternal life will spend years in their fridges, wrapped in
cling-film.
-
It stands to reason that if a food is full of preservatives, then the
consumer who eats it will also age slower, and remain healthier for longer.
-
The bachelor should always be ready to entertain unexpected guests.
Keep plenty of beer in the fridge.
-
The correct place for dirty pots, pans and plates is in artistic and
precarious piles in the sink, on tables, benches and chairs, on top of the
TV, on the floor or in the garden. In each pile the smallest item should
always form the base.
-
The correct time to wash dirty plates is the moment before you want to use them.
-
Evil things from months ago lurk in the back of food cupboards and fridges.
Never explore the dark reaches beyond the warm, comforting light that plays
on the (relatively) recently bought items in the front. Whatever is going on
in the back should be left alone.
-
No potato is ripe until it has developed leaves and a root system of its own.
-
Rice never goes off.
-
Beer should never get the chance.
-
Everything tastes better fried.
-
Food dropped on the floor is can be cleaned by holding it carefully and
blowing on it. This works regardless of what was on the footwear worn
in the kitchen yesterday, where your dog went last night, and whether
or not you ever used a vacuum cleaner or a broom.
-
Dessert is for wimps.
-
The ultimate aim of cooking is to use only one pot in the process. Ideally, a frying pan.
-
The correct procedure to follow whenever anything goes wrong is to order pizza.
The list of possible things going wrong includes failure to buy food, tiredness,
rain, visitors, or a lack of visitors. It is amazing how much can go wrong.
-
Cleaning scraps of food out of a pot used last week ruins the flavour
of the meal you cook in the same pot tonight. It's better to use it as is.
-
Cooking the food is easy. Eating it is the hard part.
Back to the top of this page
Back to the Guide For The Culinarily Inept
Back to the previous page
Back to the front page
|