Well, apparently 2007 is coming to an end... & thank Fuck for that. 2007 kicked me in the balls & then laughed when i cried. What a bastard. Actually, i guess this past year hasn't been the bad... just boring. I guess you could say uneventful to a fault... mostly my fault. I started the year out mostly drunk & drugged up, but am ending it rather soberly (for me, at least). Sex was a joke this year. I shelved one book & started another. I had to say goodbye to two good friends. And, most recently, i ended up in the hospital for the second time this year. The first time was my own fault... &, actually, the second time probably was, too. That's what i get for sticking my nose into other people's domestic problems.
Joy seemed to be in the air all year, huh? What a life. But, in a few days it will be 2008... & then some sort of psychic RESET button will be pressed. All will be forgiven & forgotten... & all sorts of Odd & Wondrous stories will be allowed to begin again. Jesus Christ, i think i'm losing my mind. Old age will do that to you...
-cpb 12/29 {link}

It's Bowl Season once again & time to pick. Winners. What will happen? Who knows... but i like to guess. I think the Buckeyes will put it together this year, but they're lucky that the best team in the nation is playing in the Fiesta Bowl.
Eat 'em...

Poinsettia Bowl: Navy over Utah
New Orleans Bowl: Florida Atlantic over Memphis
PapaJohns.com Bowl: Cincinnati over Southern Miss
New Mexico Bowl: New Mexico over Nevada
Las Vegas Bowl: BYU over UCLA
Hawaii Bowl: Boise State over East Carolina
Motor City Bowl: Central Michigan over Purdue
Holiday Bowl: Texas over Arizona State
Champs Sports Bowl: Boston College over Michigan State
Emerald Bowl: Maryland over Oregon State
Texas Bowl: Houston over TCU
Meineke Car Care Bowl: Wake Forest over Connecticut
Liberty Bowl: Mississippi State over Central Florida
Alamo Bowl: Penn State over Texas A&M
Independence Bowl: Alabama over Colorado
Armed Forces Bowl: California over Air Force
Sun Bowl: South Florida over Oregon
Humanitarian Bowl: Fresno State over Georgia Tech
Music City Bowl: Kentucky over Florida State
Insight Bowl: Indiana over Oklahoma State
Chick-Fil-A Bowl: Clemson over Auburn
Outback Bowl: Wisconsin over Tennessee
Cotton Bowl: Missouri over Arkansas
Gator Bowl: Texas Tech over Virginia
Capital One Bowl: Florida over Michigan
International Bowl: Rutgers over Ball State
GMAC Bowl: Tulsa over Bowling Green
Rose Bowl: USC over Illinois
Sugar Bowl: Hawaii over Georgia
Fiesta Bowl: Oklahoma over West Virginia
Orange Bowl: Virginia Tech over Kansas
BCS Championship Game: Ohio State over LSU
[18-14/1-4]
-cpb 12/18 {link}

New, new, new, new, new...
Some new stuff strewn around the floors of... i don't know where this is going. Anyway... the new Rando is funny. The other stuff is just boring & dumb.
-cpb 12/15 {link}

Winner, winner... chicken dinner.

I've forgotten the name of the SportsCenter anchor that uses that line... but i know the guy graduated from Heidelberg College, which is located in the gloriously decrepit & hoot-hunkeringly decaying town of Tiffin, Ohio. The town of my birth, the place where i first began to lose my mind &, by no coincidence, the location i currently find my decrepit body & decaying mind. The answers are many & the questions few as to how i have found myself back here after 13 or so years... but they're mostly boring & depressing &, at times, cheesy & cheeky. The Ins & Outs i'll leave to the Up & Ups. O, Death, where art thou?

But there are more important things that have been going on of late. Or so it seems. Maybe it just seems that way cos i've started reading the newspaper again. Maybe it's cos i haven't been drinking so damn much. The presidential primaries are heating up. People are hauling off & gunning people down all over the place (which is good to see, i always say). Vladimir Putin looks like he'll be in power for... well, maybe ever. Evel Knievel & Jennifer Davidson died. Mike Vick is going to prison. The Tigers made a few trades & probably have now got themselves the best line-up, if not the best team, in all of baseball. And soon college football's Bowl Season will be underway. Two weeks of fairly meaningless (unless you're a gambler), yet occasionally entertaining, Bowl games culminating in a Championship Game between two teams that backed into a chance to "win it all"... whatever the hell that means. The world never stops... & never ceases to bore.
I'm rambling now, but so what? I'm sitting in the Public Library here (thanks to my computer eating shit) typing away & trying to focus, but all i can think about is all the blue-haired pussy i could be pulling down right now. Oh, my... i feel i've gone too far. Crossed the Line, so to speak. I'm not well. The cage is set...
-cpb 12/12 {link}

Ohio State - 14
Michigan - 3

Well, uh... yeah. My prediction was a bit off. Who knew Michigan was really that bad. It's a good thing Henne, Hart & Long came back to take care of that unfinished business. Things like losing to a I-AA team, getting embarrassed by Ohio State again... probably losing another Bowl game. Good on ya, guys!
-cpb 11/17, 3:33 PM, EST {link}

It's finally starting to get cold here in the upper Midwest armpit of our fair country. Then again, you never know about the weather here in Michigan. It very well could be 60 degrees tomorrow. But probably not. That deep bone-chill has set in... & once that happens, it's hard to turn back. A few months ago i didn't think there'd be any way i'd still be living here in mid-November. Unfortunately, however, the connections to my Exit strategy have been swiftly & decisively crumbling underfoot the past month or so. And as such, I have found myself more & more like the protagonist in that Ben Folds Five song Steven's Last Night In Town. Except i don't have any stories about Linda McCartney. My friends will be the only thing i miss about this place (even though none of them are actually in this place), yet i find myself wanting nothing more than to get the hell away from them. But to where? That is the question. At first, i knew where i was going, but not when. Now, i know when, just not where.
The final straw came earlier tonight while at my "local" dive. The Roundtree has been an oasis of mine for the past few years... a place i could go when drinking by myself in my apartment got old, or i wanted to watch a/the game, or i needed some drunken fodder to write about. I could go, attach myself to a barstool & disappear in clear view. Tonight, however, i felt painfully out of place... in a way much different than i normally feel out of place in public. I knew i didn't belong there, even though i probably belong there more than any other place in this whole damn state. The only thing that has been keeping me going the past few months is the knowledge that i'd soon be out of here... & now as these plans begin to deteriorate, i can no longer stand the most common sights. They nauseate me the way only my character has in the past & it seems as though the Swoon is on.

But none of this is really important. What is important is The Big Game. You know... the BIG GAME. Although, with both Michigan & Ohio State losing last week, the stakes don't seem quite so high. Even though, it's still the best rivalry in college football. I've called the game correctly the past - three - years... but that's not saying much in such a lopsided series. I grew up with John Cooper... & although i was never a HUGE Buckeye fan, it was frustrating seeing the Bucks out-coached again & again in the late '90's. And now, of course, it's odd to see old Lloyd, the same guy that did all that out-coaching, turning into Cooper. Except Cooper occasionally won a Bowl game. As it is, i really could care less who wins the game... but i'd prefer to see OSU in the Rose Bowl, cos i like to cheer for the Big 11... & in recent years, U of M is an absolute joke in any bowl game. This being said, it's much to my dismay that i have to admit that i think Mee-chigan is going to win tomorrow. Why? I don't really know. Probably cos i'm an idiot...

Michigan - 26
Ohio State - 17
-cpb 11/17, 1:23 AM, EST {link}

"If an idea's any good, it's on the verge of being stupid."
-Michel Gondry

An interesting thought, indeed. Especially coming from a Frog with good taste in music. Most of my ideas of late - & my life in general - seem to be tumbling off the ledge of Reasonable & into the pit of utter Stupidity. I had a plan... maybe not too well thought out, but a plan none-the-less. Unfortunately, the ship carrying that plan has run aground & the Captain is giving me dirty looks. I'm not used to the air out there... & maybe this has clouded my judgment. Then again, maybe i'm just an idiot. I'm at a crossroad... or maybe a pitchfork. Wait... that doesn't make sense...

"Ordinary Peepholes?"
"It's kind of a big-titty, spread-cheeky kinda thing."
-The Fisher King

My imagination has been running wild lately, but i've been either unable or unwilling to rein it in. I've held firm on the brooding side of Madness for the past five weeks or so, which is generally conducive to me getting work done... yet, alas... i can't even seem... to finish... sentences anymore... oh, Calamity! I had a dream last night that i should change my name to Rocy. Even my dreams have become un-original.

By this time I got to looking for a kind of substitute/
I can't tell you quite how, except that it rhymes with dissolute
-Brian Eno, The Paw Paw Negro Blowtorch

I've never been to Paw Paw, Michigan, myself... & to be honest, if it wasn't for the St. Julian Winery & a song that Brian Eno wrote about A.W. Underwood, i'd have never heard of the place, either. But i guess these are the kinds of things we learn when we drink & listen to good music. But, grapes eventually sour & sometimes good musicians start making Ambient music. It's all fun & games until someone pokes an eye out...
-cpb 11/8 {link}

I woke up in a cold sweat. I had been having the Krampus dream again. I was a naughty boy... & i must be punished, preferably spanked. Why good old Saint Nick's former sidekick was on my mind in October i wasn't sure, although it probably had something to do with me falling asleep watching Frothy The Blowman again.
The stress was starting to get to me. I was in the news again. It had been a busy couple of months - scandal after scandal it seemed. First there were the pictures of me making out with Stiv Bators & Lydia Lunch at Danceteria that somehow surfaced. Then a story about me doing blow with Jim Foetus in the back of Lord Mostly Magic's "boogie" van. Then, during some crazy all-night drunk, i accidentally hit King Fantastic Outfit in the face with a crampon, pissed in a public fountain & got arrested when i told a motorcycle cop to, & i quote, "Take your Tom-of-Finland ass, jump back on your big gay bike & get the fuck out my face."
All reasonable occurrences, if you ask me. But now this. Apparently i had finally crossed the line. I didn't understand. I make one offhand comment on Larry King Live about how I wouldn't fuck Tipper Gore with Adolf Eichmann's death erection & all of a sudden i'm the Antichrist. It was all too much. I was beginning to seriously second-guess my decision to run for office.
-cpb 10/19 {link}

There was a strange smell coming out of my face. Maybe my mouth. It was smoke, but i hadn't been smoking. I fumbled for a match to light the cigarette dangling from my lip. I was stuck. It had been hours & i had nary an idea about how to re-purpose the Ball In A Cup. It's a great idea. Like Lemme's mic. I wouldn't say "perfect"... but it's hard to improve on "really good", as well.
It had been two months since i had been released from The St. Louis Home For The Totally Fucked & i hadn't been outside in six weeks. There were empty cigarette packages piled up at the end of the sofa. Somewhere, under the pile, was an Old Western spittoon made of brass. It was a gift from my father. Oddly enough, he had found it in a Sudanese opium parlor. I don't know either, to be honest.
I had been dismissed from the Botswana Blue Berets almost a year ago... &, quite frankly, didn't yet feel like getting a "real" job. The marketing firm set up all this shit over the phone & a computer. The New Technology rides again! But what the hell was i doing? If you're gonna leave a retard alone in a room with a handgun, you better give him a yo-yo, or someone's gonna make an "oops".
It was Tim Armstrong who once said, or screamed, "Secret to a good life's knowin' when you're through." I've never been that smart, though. Never really light on my feet in this world... & too heavy for most boats i jumped into. I believe it was Mick Jones who said, or hummed, "If I had my time again, I'd do it all the same." I don't know that i could remember it all.

The heated up spaghetti & sauce was excellent. It was damn near perfect! There wasn't much sauce left, but just the perfect amount for me. There was just enough to get nearly all the noodles wet with a little sauce - a few bald spots, but this is good in moderation - plus a few globs here & there for some ZANG. And in addition, there were also just enough little meat nuggets to satisfy. A few big enough to stab with a fork & enough to be wrapped up in a noodle-swirl with the fork. About the only complaint i could possibly muster is that i could have maybe had four or five more bites in toto.

I had started wearing shorts WAY too small for a man of my girth. In fact, if the pair i had on were any shorter, they'd be a belt. "Fuck it," i thought... i'm not out in public. It wasn't my first fashion faux pas... & would more than likely not be my last. My cross-country motorcycle trip came to mind. Plenty-o-Ponchos was the name of the game. Those goddamn ponchos. But why dwell on the past now. This Ball was getting no less Cuppy.
My intercultural competence wasn't getting any less cuppy, either. I'd never live down the incident in Derecske. How was i to know that 6 flowers was one too many? And how was i supposed to know that woman was P�ter Medgyessy's wife? Screw Hungary in the winter, anyway. Oh, Johanne Gonthier, where have you gone?

It's an odd dance & it ventures through many missteps. It's awkward for both, but neither would admit to it until it is over. There are many points at which all can be lost. It's amazing that the connection is ever made. So many variables that can go wrong... or go right, in the wrong way. An odd dance, indeed. How does it ever work? Why does it ever work? Is it God's plan... or the Devil's?
And somehow, you knew the reality he was living in was more exciting, more interesting than your own. You couldn't quite put your finger on it, but you knew he was having more fun than you...
-cpb 10/10 {link}

Where to start, where to start? Where to end? Who knows...

So much going on of late. Here in Michigan we were precariously close to the entire state government shutting down. Or, at least most of it. It didn't happen, though. Well, actually it did happen, but just for a few hours. This is a fantastic state, filled with the fattest, poorest & most unemployed citizens... plus politicians who are as dumb as retarded antelope. But you have to love the scenery. If you can afford the gas. And sports aren't helping much. The Tigers collapsed, the Lions are setting the fans up for a heartbreak & the University of Michigan football team is a joke, albeit a seemingly less & less funny one. What to do, what to do? Get out, i guess. Which i am, but before that, i did.

Two weekends ago it was a trip to Lexington, Kentucky, to visit the shell of the man we used to call B. Early. I kid because i care. Or maybe i kid because i don't care. Whatever. Bradley is Well & Fine... & soon to be going back across the Pond. I hope he gets Syph from a German hooker & dies on a Tuesday. That's not very nice, but then again, neither is he. It had been a long-ass time since i had been to Lexington... & it didn't take long for me to remember why. To be fair, Lexington is a nice town... it's just always struck me odd at how once you cross the Ohio River you are in THE SOUTH. Actually, that's not true, cos it really starts once you get into Cincinnati... but don't get me started on that city. It's my Nemesis... & that's all there is to say about that.
Then, last weekend i made the Toledo/Akron/Tiffin run... to visit my grandparents, my sister & a bunch of assholes & degenerates, in reverse order. The grandparents & my sister are fine & boring, per usual, & my friends in Toledo are fucked in the head in many wondrous ways... & that is why i love them so.


I just took a second to read through this missive (as well as scold my computer for not wanting to play my Kirk In Copenhagen CD) & i realized how utterly inane & boring it is. However, such is my life right now. Other than a few trips here & there, all i've done for the past six months or so is work. I haven't even been able to get any writing done. At least, nothing good. But i've been trying to save up for my escape from the dying state... & actually, i haven't even really achieved that cos i keep spending all my money on cheep hookers & expensive drugs. Or maybe that's the other way around, i can't remember. Selah.
-cpb 10/4 {link}

Apparently summer is coming to a slow end here in the Midwest. Then again, you never really can tell. Last week it was kinda cold... then, of course, today it was about 80 degrees. I would ask god to make up his mind, but i don't really believe in god, so i guess that'd be kinda hypocritical of me. But fuck it, i'm nothing if not a hypocrite... &, quite frankly, i can do whatever the hell i want. What's the point of this meaningless diatribe, you may ask. There is none, really, but...
As i was walking out of the local Meijer store after work today, i saw a woman walking through the parking lot in a winter coat & big, fluffy white gloves... in 77 degree weather. Now, this is a bit strange, but only slightly so. Not skirt-made-of-banana-peels strange, but just enough to grab one's attention & make you ponder insanity's slow creep... or, at the very least, just enough to make you feel a little more secure in your own coherence. Or maybe it's just me. It's things like this that make life livable for me... the little things that make you chuckle, or shake you a bit... get you off line & offer no path back to normalcy.
Unfortunately i was unable to enjoy Ms. Whitegloves as much as i may have liked to due to being accosted just seconds earlier by a lesbian couple i passed while walking out of the store. Apparently i had looked too long at the couple as they walked toward the door holding hands & i was greeted with a, "Take a picture, asshole!" as i shuffled out. The blast took me by surprise & i had nary a comeback. What came to me just as Ms. Coats-a-Lot came into my periphery was, "Get over yourself, dyke." Now, i realize that's pretty un-PC... but as i said earlier, i can do whatever the hell i want. To be honest, it wasn't seeing a gay couple that caught my attention - frankly, i could give a shit less where anyone sticks their tongue &/or penis - it was the fact that they were holding hands. Who holds hands while going to the supermarket? I'm not a huge fan of PDAs... in fact, i really fucking detest them. Not that holding hands is that big of a deal, but you're doing a chore. You don't hold hands while you take the garbage out, do you? I guess i really am turning into a crotchety old man...
-cpb 9/17 {link}

Here's a notice to anyone over 40 wearing a cut-off shirt in public:
Stop it. Old people trying to be Capt. Cut-Off or Sgt. Sleeveless is just ridiculous. Get a fucking shirt with some sleeves, cut the pony tail off, lose the earring & come join us in the 21st century.
I am bored of late. Well, i've got an idea - why don't you cry about it? Well, maybe i will. And fuck you, too. My inner dialogue is out of control. The other day i realized that sometimes i just need to get the bottom of my shirt out of the way. So i put it over my head. But then i can't see anything, so that doesn't work. This dilemma has been nagging at me for a while. I'll take suggestions, if you can get a hold of me...

Anyway, the other day i was walking through the park. Alright, be fair, that's a lie... i haven't been to a park in quite some time. I hear they're nice, though. Never-the-less, i walked past a tree the other day that looked eerily similar to myself. It shook me a bit as i remembered Dante's Seventh Circle of Hell, where the Suicides are relegated, right before the Blasphemers & Sodomites. It's there that the Suicides suffer out their existences in the form of trees. I broke off a branch, just to see if blood would flow out of it, but luckily nothing like that happened. Then i kinda came to my senses & realized how silly this all was. I was also washed over with an enormous sense of Pride that i remembered all this crap & felt kinda good that i hadn't read The Divine Comedy for nothing. That, i guess, will land me in the first step of Purgatory someday. Selah. Better than Hell, i guess. Besides, i've already been picked apart by my own Harpy. She was a magnificent & beautiful creature... but a creature, all the same. Beatrice weeps...
-cpb 9/9 {link}