As much bile as things like "The Holiday Season" can produce in a bitter old fool like myself, there are still some things about the end of the year that i like. The best is catching up with old friends & family. Some years are better than others, but this is turning out to be a pretty good finale. By the end of Sunday, i will have either seen or heard from just about everyone on the ever-so-swiftly dwindling list of People Who (Vaguely) Give A Shit About Me. And yes, that list is official... i think. As such:

Last week i made the trip out to the Desert to see the Parents. While there, i talked with my Father's parents in (not-so) sunny Florida, via that wonderful new invention called the telephone. Then this week, after returning to the state where the sun no longer even tries, it was a few trips down to Northwest Ohio, where the sun tries, but just has a bad attitude.
Tuesday & Wednesday it was down to Toledo for excessive alcohol consumption with Chicken Foot, Andy The Spic & the rest of that skeevy Glass City rabble. I'm sure it was a fun, but a handful of pills i took Tuesday night before leaving my humble abode assured a skewed & hazy recollection. They say that laughter is the best medicine. That's as maybe... but alcohol must be a close second. Alas, we try.
Thursday it was lunch in the gloriously pompous city of Ann Arbor with Danielle & then off to Perrysburg to celebrate the birthday of quite possibly the coolest seminary student... EVER. The Knitt household was a home-away-from-home for me for a good four-year period of my life, & it was good to get back. Plus i got to throw cards with Jeff Knitt, his lovely wife Kami, his beautiful sister Kathy & the world-renowned, the illustrious, the irrepressible, the legendary Special K. And if you don't know, then you better, as they say, "Axe somebody."
Tomorrow i am off to Akron for a little soir�e being put on by my sister & the one they call The JoJo. Last year Aimee was extremely drunk, yet somehow managed to stay conscious just long enough to cock-block her little brother. And i still haven't forgiven her for that. Maybe i'll get raging drunk then get naked & run around her house. Or maybe i'll just take my ball-bag out & start putting it on other people's drinks. Of course, i've done both of these things before... but some things are Classic for a reason. Selah.
From there it is off to my glorious hometown of Tiffin, for lunch with my Mother's parents, to make up for missing christmas. Then, apparently, it's down to Columbus, to ring in the New Year with Peter B, his lovely fy-ance Kelli & maybe, just maybe, Plowgian. Trips down to C-bus for me almost always equal good times... & usually provide some good story fodder - whether it be an all-night bagel shop, Mohinders, a shitty band destroying someone's house or just general, all-out Weirdness. It's always something.
And intertwined throughout these interesting little travels have been a few missives sent to & fro, via this crazy little internet do-dad they've got set up here, between myself & The Banana & B. Early. I give both of these jaggoffs, neither of whom knows each other, a pass on being seen, since one is hitchhiking & hooking across Southeast Asia & the other is blowing "military men" in Germany for ten bucks a pop (no pun intended).
Tis the season...
-cpb 12/29 {link}

It's a few minutes before christmas here in Albuquerque... which means that it already has been where i live for a couple hours now. Well, B.F.D. to that.

And what a Trip. Coming out to the Desert & being greeted with 25 degree weather & snow-covered cactus is enough to send someone with already jangled nerves straight over the edge. But it's good seeing the Parents. I have the privilege of knowing some extremely funny people, but i have to admit that i never laugh as hard or as long around anyone as i do when i get into a giggle-fest with my parents. And weather aside, it's actually been a pretty relaxing vacay. Fairly uneventful, which is the way i like it... with the possible exception of getting ripped to the tits while having a drinking contest v. the Old Man with a 20-year old bottle of Black Velvet (yes, the same bottle that landed my Dad in jail, for those of you who know that story, which is no one that is reading this) that culminated in a touching moment between the two of us while going through some pictures of my Dad in Vietnam. That... & me being propositioned by a 20-year old waitress at Joker's while watching the Browns get their ass kicked yet again earlier today. Just what the hell was going on in 1986, anyhow? I don't know...
Anyway, as i said, it's almost x-mas. And la-dee-da. Actually, i'm quite pleased in that this is the second year in a row that i did not buy so much as a card for anyone. I am Scrooge, hear me roar. However, looking under my Parents' tree, i see that they bought me something again this year. Some people never learn... at least they're the only ones.
-cpb 12/24, 11:54 PM, MST {link}

They tell me that the sea refuses no river. And by "they", i mean a coked-up Pete Townshend. My brain is fried & my nerves are shot. No more input... i can't take any more news, i don't want to talk to anyone else. I can barely pull my pants down to drop a deuce, for fuck's sake. Maybe a trip out to the Desert will help...
-cpb 12/20 {link}

Whenever i receive the news that a friend - specifically someone around my age - has died, along with the obvious sadness, i am always overwhelmed with an immense feeling of shock and surprise. I can think of very few friends, or even acquaintances, of mine - past or present - that i have ever thought i would outlive. And i can think of even fewer that i deserve to outlive. Unfortunately, i've been hit with this feeling far too many times. It is a cruel & unforgiving world we live in at times... and Fair is just a myth.

Requiescat In Pace, Sara. Be well until we see you again.
-cpb 12/17 {link}

Well, College Bowl Season is about to get underway. Kinda like the NBA Playoffs, Bowl Season seems to get longer every year. Oh well, the gambling degenerates need something to do in December. I'm not really a gambler... & my old Degenerate-Gambler friend is probably dead by now, but none-the-less, i like to get on & give some Bowl Picks. I'm 35-21 over the past two years. Not good enough to have one of those 800 number gambling lines with the really annoying radio commercials (a la Wayne Allyn Root), but not bad. Strap in:

Poinsettia Bowl: Northern Illinois over TCU
Las Vegas Bowl: Oregon over BYU
New Orleans Bowl: Troy over Rice
Papajohns.com Bowl: South Florida over East Carolina
New Mexico Bowl: New Mexico over San Jose State
Armed Forces Bowl: Utah over Tulsa
Hawaii Bowl: Hawaii over Arizona State
Motor City Bowl: Central Michigan over Middle Tennessee State
Emerald Bowl: UCLA over Florida State
Independence Bowl: Oklahoma State over Alabama
Holiday Bowl: Texas A&M over California
Texas Bowl: Rutgers over Kansas State
Music City Bowl: Clemson over Kentucky
Sun Bowl: Oregon State over Missouri
Liberty Bowl: South Carolina over Houston
Insight Bowl: Texas Tech over Minnesota
Champs Sports Bowl: Maryland over Purdue
Meineke Car Care Bowl: Navy over Boston College
Alamo Bowl: Iowa over Texas
Chick-Fil-A Bowl: Virginia Tech over Georgia
MPC Computers Bowl: Nevada over Miami
Outback Bowl: Penn State over Tennessee
Cotton Bowl: Auburn over Nebraska
Gator Bowl: West Virginia over Georgia Tech
Capital One Bowl: Wisconsin over Arkansas
International Bowl: Cincinnati over Western Michigan
GMAC Bowl: Southern Miss over Ohio
Rose Bowl: USC over Michigan
Fiesta Bowl: Boise State over Oklahoma
Orange Bowl: Louisville over Wake Forest
Sugar Bowl: LSU over Notre Dame
BCS Championship Game: Ohio State over Florida
[21-11/4-1]
-cpb 12/16 {link}

Could we get back to the banal minutiae?
Yeah, kid... hold your pants...

Ya know what's fucked up? Long, manicured nails on a dude. Personally, i bite my nails, which is a disgusting habit, to be sure. But really long, shiny nails on a guy is just fucking creepy. It's not even a gay thing... it's just creepy.
Ya know what else is fucked up? A guy sitting at a bar in the daytime opening up a month's worth of mail. Lot's of teeth broken off at the gum line. Smells like a block of wet cheese. Talking to himself.
Something else fucked up - a 13th Floor Elevators song on a Dell commercial. Hopefully Roky is getting some money through that.
One more piece of fuck is Roid Away. "Roid Away - apply directly to the roid. Roid Away - apply directly to the roid. Roid Away - apply directly to the roid." That, my friend, is fucked up.

Don't question me... just accept it & realize it's true...
-cpb 12/14 {link}

"Somebody get a sponge."

It occurred to me, while reading my prior post (something i rarely do, cos it's embarrassing & makes me feel even crazier than i already am), that i was unduly harsh towards some of my friends &/or family. My tongue has a hard time reaching the keyboard. First of all, my closest friends & the ones i still keep have always taken me as i am. They have to... i expect no less. I'm just that much of an asshole! And second, & more importantly, i just want to say that my mother (as well as my father) has always had my back. She may be a little crazy, but aren't we all? My parents have loved & supported me my entire life (no small feat, considering what an unbelievable dunce i am) & you really can't ask for more than that.
-cpb 12/13 {link}

"I'd always had nightmares. But now the ghosts didn't wait for me to sleep."

So, in a few days, the 10-year saga of Blundering Screw-Ups, International Intrigue, Financial Depressions, Destroying Social & Political Mores, Matrimonial Mistakes & simple, All-Around Bad Decision Making that is/was my Educational Experience will finally be over. Now, this should make me happy... or, at the very least, relieved that this Disaster is finally at an end. But i'm neither. To be honest, i'm completely apathetic. I really couldn't care less.

"We're all whores, Frank."

And the reason for my piss poor attitude towards life? Well, if i can quote Nick Nolte in Blue Chips - "It's about money! It's about goddamn money." That is a bit of an over-simplification, but it seems to fit. And if i can quote "Duck" Dunn in The Blues Brothers - "If the shit fits, wear it!" Money, my friend, is what makes the world go round... & the sooner you figure that little nugget out, the better off you'll be. And it is sentences like that one that make me want to taste a fucking bullet. I've never really been interested in having lots of money. Don't get me wrong, i wouldn't mind being rich... it was just never that important to me.

"Forgive me, Rose."
"It's not your fault. No one asked you to suffer. That was your idea."

Unfortunately, that's not "right"... that's not the "right" way to be. You're supposed to go out there, get an education or learn a trade & get a "real" job. Just being isn't good enough. Doesn't matter if you're good or if you're bad... moral or immoral, right or wrong. Living isn't enough. I've been made aware on many occasions that being myself was not - & was not ever going to be - good enough. It wasn't good enough for my parents... or, at least, my mother. It wasn't good enough for my family or some of my friends. It most certainly wasn't good enough for my ex-wife. All-in-all, it just wasn't good enough... period. And it still isn't. But if i could have just found a good-paying job... then, my friend, everything would have been alright. "Excuse me, sir, would you like some fresh-ground pepper on that bullet?" No thank you... i've lost my appetite.

"Rise up, I. B. Bangin'!"

But enough of that crap. There are less important things in the world to worry about... like how pathetic the Lions are, or how boring the NBA is, or Holiday-fucking-Cheer, or ice-slicked roads, or College Bowl Season, or... The Greatest Rock & Roll Band Of All-Time! Ethan tells me that the TERRY's KID Myspace Page has over 1,000 friends now. I have no idea what that means, exactly (do we get a cookie or something?) but i like nice round numbers. Plus, i see that there's a picture on there of some silly cooze sitting on a toilet... and there's nothing wrong with that, right? The Kid is dead... long live the Kid.
-cpb 12/10 {link}

"Have another drink, McGee."
"I intend to."

I heard a rumor that Waltzing's For Dreamers (although i heard it from an English dude... so technically it would be a rumour, i guess). I don't know. I've never been much of a dancer... & i don't really dream much anymore. The dreams come in spurts... & the spurts come in spurts. And lately i'm spurtless. I've been attempting to kick-start my unconscious mind by listening to movies or music while dozing off. Fear And Loathing In Las Vegas, Naked Lunch, The Life Aquatic With Steve Zissou... Yoshimi Battles The Pink Robots, Astral Weeks, Lola Vs. The Powerman & The Money-Go-Round, Pt. 1. All with no joy.
There is a feeling of dread somewhere, however... & down an alley there's a great Beast flailing & gnashing its teeth. Storm clouds are circling & the soggier my pants get the less chance i'll be able to swim away when the dam breaks. I can sense tears reversing course & bullets being shot from guns that no longer exist. In the distance i can see Buckwheat Zydeco riding a bicycle down a flooded road. This is what happens when i fall asleep watching CNN.
-cpb 12/4 {link}

"You know you're old when your semi-annual hard-on becomes an annual semi-hard-on."

Strange rumblings this week & things are only getting stranger. My balls refuse to be un-kicked by the health, or lack thereof, of my Devil Auto, the weather is reeking havoc with my own health... & for some reason there is a bed in my living room. Is it some sort of strange sex thing? Of course not. Is it normal... or, more to the point, "normal"? Certainly not. Are there Five Trees outside my window? Yes. Wait... what was i saying?
I don't know. All i know is that, for the past few days, i've been sick... & in turn have been taking in quite a bit of the ol' Boob Tube. Now, besides seeing Tom Waits on The Daily Show a few nights ago, i've noted a few things:

--Late night on VH1 i caught the Spike Jonze-directed video for the Fatboy Slim song Weapon Of Choice. There is so much good about this song: Bootsy Collins' vocals; a Sly & The Family Stone sample; the "Walk without rhythm and it won't attract the worm" chorus taken from Dune. And is the "You can blow with this or you can blow with that" line a Black Sheep reference? And the video - spec-fucking-tacular. Christopher Walken, you truly are The Man.
--Guy LeDouche from MXC is fucking awesome.
--For some reason or another, i watched a few episodes of Scrubs. Although it gets a bit sugary at times, this is actually a pretty good show. John C. McGinley is great in this show. I like McGinley, & it's good to see him in something a bit more prominent than his roles in stuff like Platoon, Wall Street & Office Space... although he does utter probably the best line in the movie Se7en - "Somebody call somebody."
--In the mid-90's there were two supporting sit-com characters who i thought were hot - Elaine Benes (Julia Louis-Dreyfus) & Hillary Banks (Karyn Parsons).
--I caught a commercial for the newest James Bond flick, Casino Royale. It looks like a pretty good movie... & Daniel Craig seems to be a pretty good Bond. But did that commercial say, "Daniel Craig may be the best Bond ever."??? I mean, i know they have to hype the movie & all... but that's damn near blasphemy. Couldn't they at least say, "...may be the best Bond since Sean Connery."? But whatever.
--And last & most certainly least - FUCKING CHRISTMAS COMMERCIALS. I would rather hear the death rattle of my only child, than see or hear one more goddamn TV and/or radio commercial for anything that has anything to do with christmas, the holiday season, buying stuff for others, people buying stuff for you or fucking jewelry. And it's only the First of December. If there is a god, kill me now.
-cpb 12/1 {link}

"I'd hate to throw up, it was such a beautiful breakfast. I'd like to hang onto it for a little bit longer."

Did i just see what i think i saw? Was that Tom-motherfucking-Waits on The Daily Show last night? Hell yes, it was. However, not followed by, as John Stewart promised, "A PSA about how cool smoking can make your voice sound." No matter... it was great to see Waits (the second greatest American songwriter of all-time) on TV - or anywhere, for that matter. And on top of that, a few minutes of him doing his anti-war song Day After Tomorrow. Truly a national treasure.

"I take my own path and... look behind me and see there are people that are following... and I get a kick out of that."
-cpb 11/29 {link}

"That which does not kill you only makes you stranger."

I've always had a love/hate relationship with Thanksgiving. On one hand, i love the food & sitting around watching football. On the other, i hate tradition & ceremony. This year was no different. Quite literally. My Thanksgivings are the same goddamn thing every single year. I drive down to my hometown, see the exact same family members, eat way too much & answer the exact same questions. I love my family, but i sometimes wonder how it is that i came from this particular stock. I shouldn't complain, i guess. Many people would gladly trade their family for mine. To be honest, the main problem is that i'm an ungrateful little shit. Selah.
At least i didn't have to watch the Lions get their asses kicked again... although it was nice to know that the triumphant return of Joey Harrington (aka Champagne Joseph, aka Joey Blue Skies, aka MF Harrington, aka J-Hair, aka Joey Ballgame) went just as Detroit was hoping for. Worst franchise ever. Oh Foosball... you so crazy.
Another good thing about Cranksgiving is the long weekend & getting to catch up with friends. That is one thing that is never constant, actually, as it seems to be an ever-rotating cast of the "older" & "newer" groups. I guess who i see depends on who wants to put up with me in any given year. It's an odd mix of friends that i keep & they're all crazy in their own peculiar ways. And bless them for it, cos you have to be a little insane to tolerate me. I took a bit of a different tack this year, keeping myself fairly medicated all weekend, but the results were, for the most part, the same. Res ipsa loquitur.
-cpb 11/26 {link}

Ohio State - 42
Michigan - 39

Wow. That, my friends, was a good-ass game.
My block of predictions was a bit hit-or-miss:
It most certainly was NOT a handy win, Anthony Gonzalez didn't really have a big game (outside of the last drive of the first half, i don't think he caught a pass) & Chad Henne most certainly did not out-play Troy Smith. Henne played well... &, in fact, did not make any big mistakes. It was actually Smith that made a couple huge turnovers. But outside of that, Smith was unbelievable & he most certainly wrapped up the Heisman tonight. Plus, both Hart & Pittman did put up a hundy on the ground. And finally, & most importantly, this game cements the fact that Lloyd Carr is Jim Tressel's bitch. It's hard to say Carr was out-coached tonight - he didn't call a bad game - but Tressel owns him. Which means, i guess, that transitively Jim Tressel, in fact, owns John Cooper. Basically what i'm saying here is that if John Cooper had gonorrhea, by now Tressel would have it as well. This post has officially lost its mind. Eject!
-cpb 11/18, 7:58 PM, EST {link}

Quite an exciting first half, no? Nearing game time i was thinking i had predicted too many points for this game, but now it looks like i may have guessed too few. Michigan looked SO good on that first drive & then looked like they were going to piss themselves. A late TD saved that, but OSU came right back, finally getting my man Gonzalez involved. Troy Smith - WOW. Chad Henne - a little less wow, but still good. This game - not over. But State could change that with 7 on the opening drive. We'll see...
-cpb 11/18, 5:28 PM, EST {link}

Well, it's finally here... & thank Christ. Just like every other huge sporting event, i'm sick of goddamn hearing about it. That being said, though, this is pretty HUGE... and it should live up to the hype. Which, of course, means it probably won't. But what the hell, anyway? I'm sensing a pretty handy win... maybe a couple of scores. Troy Smith will lock up his Heisman with a decent but unspectacular game. Anthony Gonzalez will have a big game (as much as i hate to agree with Woody Paige, or any other dickless talking head). Chad Henne will actually out-play Smith, but make one crucial mistake. Mike Hart & Antonio Pittman will both run for a bill. Lloyd (soon to be 5-L) Carr will be out-coached once again. And, in the end, BoShem's death will not be enough motivation for Michigan to get over the hump... & it will become apparent that the grizzly old Bagel kicked just so he wouldn't have to see his beloved Corn & Blue stepped on by the SweaterVest once again. Here it is:

Ohio State - 30, Michigan - 20
-cpb 11/18, 11:55 AM, EST {link}

So, apparently Ohio State & Michigan are going to be playing a little football game this weekend. Strange, i haven't really heard much about it. The big question, of course, is - If it's a close game, should they meet again for the National Title? I've gone back & forth on this... but the more i think about it, the more i think that they should not. But what do i know? A lot - that's what.

Anyway... it hasn't even been two months, but it's Playlist time once again. I can't help it. I've been listening to a lot of music lately. Plus i have nothing even remotely interesting to write about right now. Or maybe i do & i just can't find the words. Or maybe my mind has been wracked with Syphilis. Or gangrene. Selah...

1} Rumble - Link Wray
2} God Only Knows - The Beach Boys
3} Cry - Godley & Creme
4} Redondo Beach - Patti Smith
5} Never Tear Us Apart - INXS
6} Before They Make Me Run - The Rolling Stones
7} 2:19 - John Hammond
8} Cars - Gary Numan
9} My Little Red Book & Softly To Me - Love
10} I'm Bored - Iggy Pop
11} Candy - Morphine
12} Don't Leave Me This Way - Harold Melvin & The Blue Notes
13} Halleluhwah - Can
14} Kiss Me On My Neck (Hesi) - Erykah Badu
15} Steady, As She Goes - The Raconteurs
16} Electricity (Drugs) & Drugs (Electricity) - Talking Heads
17} Bitches Ain't Shit - Ben Folds
18} Is She Really Going Out With Him? - Joe Jackson
19} Miss Oblivion & Version Mary - Bob Schneider
20} Motion The 11 - Cornershop

I guess i could also include R�yksopp's song Remind Me, which is currently being featured in a Geico caveman commercial (the one in the airport). Unfortunately, though, i can only feed the Jones if i catch the commercial, due to the fact that, for whatever reason, Melody A.M. is apparently out of print. Fuck you, Astralwerks!
And besides all that, i've also been immersed in The Who's new album Endless Wire - their first in 24 years. It's actually a pretty good album. It's no Who's Next... or even Who Are You for that matter, but it's still quite good.
-cpb 11/16 {link}

The celebrity Death Train was rolling last week... taking a good actor & a good journalist. And since we need a third to appease the Clich� Gods, i scoured a bit & found out that 9-handicaper Gabriel Donoso was sent to the Great Glue Factory in the sky last week, as well. Gondolas all around...
-cpb 11/13 {link}

"...and the moral of the story is - feed a fever, starve the Yak."

What an interesting week in College Football... four Top 10 teams ate shit, there were some great games today & it looks like shit will be on next week down in C-bus. Luckily (or unluckily, i guess) i was forced to forgo doing a bunch of shit i needed to get done for sitting around all day watching games, mostly due to a self-induced poisoning the night prior.
I've been a bit out of control the past few months, although i'm not always entirely sure why. I seem to be chasing some ghost... but unfortunately i'm not as quick as i used to be. And by quick, i mean smart. I've spent a good deal of the past two years systematically trying to destroy myself, mostly cos i'm too much of a coward to take the easy way out. Courage is a funny thing sometimes. But, but, but... there's always a light at the end of the tunnel, or some such other trite clich�. I see it. It's a spelunker's helmet...
-cpb 11/11 {link}

Meet the new boss/Same as the old boss

So the Dems are back to ruling the Roost, so to speak. Taxes are lighting up, unborn crack babies are running for cover, The "Big 10 Rules" are cracking, civil rights are letting out a sigh of relief & somewhere in a Texas roadhouse, Jesus is weeping. And what can we look forward to in the next two years? That's a good question... a good question (said twice, for emphasis). For some odd reason or another, i see little changing - for good or ill - in the near future. The more i think about it, 2006 may come back to haunt the Democratic presidential candidate in 2008. There will be less room for Dems to point the finger, plus I see the Republican candidate somehow spinning the still stagnant economy & the quagmire in Iraq into Liberal-caused problems.
When all is said & done, however, it is very hard to say that this country would have been or will be better off with Democrats in charge as opposed to Republicans... or vice versa. It isn't hard to say we'd be better off with someone other than George Bush, but that has less to do with his party affiliation & more to do with the fact that he's an idiot. I am most certainly a left-leaning person, but the Democratic Party is a blundering joke. The whole organization should have been dismantled & destroyed after the 1972 election. I just wish we could find a legitimate Third Party in this country, but i don't see that happening in my lifetime.
I guess we'll just have to sit back & watch the show. Let the good times roll.
-cpb 11/10 {link}

"Well, I'm gonna take those notes and I'm gonna shove them up my own ass."

It's amazing, sometimes, how little things can make you realize that life is worth living... then how big things can come along & pulverize those dainty little puffs of smoke.
My ass hurts from sitting in front of my computer haplessly trying to "fix" The Book.
I'm no Martin Goldsmith.
These three statements have nothing to do with one another... except that they're all on my mind right now.

Anyway... we've got midterm elections tomorrow. Getting out to vote? I didn't think so. I am... but i have to admit, i really don't know why. I haven't been keeping up much with the local (State of Michigan/Washtenaw County/City of Ypsilanti, et al) races and/or issues, with maybe the exception of the "Mole v. Silver Spoon" race. Is this the best we can do? Unfortunately, i think it is. This state deserves what it gets.
-cpb 11/6 {link}

Generally i try to steer clear of serious personal material on this site... or, for that matter, anywhere else on this crazy little internet do-dad they've set up here. That said, though, things creep in now & again... &, in fact, it was something serious that happened five years ago that started me keeping an "archive" on this dumb little site. Five years ago i lost a very good friend of mine, one Mr. Jeremiah Kanary (the son-of-a-bitch).
It was an odd relationship i had with the man. I knew Jere for only a short time, but i consider him one of the best friends i've ever known. I'm sure i'm only one of many people who felt this. Jeremiah was an electric personality... the kind of person people gravitated towards, i believe... although i'm sure he would have loved to deny this fact. I was very similar to Jere in some ways, yet very different from him in many others. Unfortunately, in the few years before & after his death, i tried my best to shy away from most of the feelings & personality traits i shared with him. This was mostly due to pressure from others who could not accept these parts of me. It's sad to say, though, but i have mixed feelings about this. As much as i wanted to change at times, i can't begin to explain how hard it is to know that you'll never be accepted by and/or good enough for people you love. But, i'm getting a bit off point here.
One of the fondest memories i have of Jeremiah is one of the first times i ever hung out with him... aimlessly driving around Bowling Green with him & Keith... just shooting the shit all night & being idiots - talking music & reciting movie lines. This was 1997, if memory serves. I had met Keith earlier that year at Eastern Michigan University, via this beautiful little cunt called Polio. Keith had been telling me for weeks, "You gotta meet my friend Jeremiah... I think the two of you will hit it off."
And he was right, i guess. I don't know, though. I could never really get a grip on what Jere really thought about me. But, about a year after that little giggle-fest in BG, he asked me to front a band he was putting together. Why? To be honest, i really have no idea. TERRY's KID, however, was one reason that i could honestly say that that prick must have liked me for some reason, cos if that S.O.B. had any sense he would have gotten a real singer. TERRY's KID was (if i may say so myself... & i am, so deal with it) a really good band... with, unfortunately, a horrible singer. But, as bad as i was, he never did kick me out... he just put up with it.
It's odd... cos i never did really feel "a part of the gang", so to speak. Keith & Jeremiah introduced me to quite a few very interesting people - a motley crew, indeed - who i never really felt a part of... due somewhat to the fact that most of these people knew each other about a decade before i stepped in, but mostly due to my own neurosis. However, Jere always made me feel welcome in these circles... as if his approval branded me with a big "This Guy's OK" stamp.
But whatever. I gotta wrap this shit up cos, quite frankly, i'm drunk on whiskey (per usual on this day... although i've forgone the usual Jack Daniels that Jere, that oft-bearded cock-sucker, was so fond of, for my personal Jones - Col. James B. Beam).
I wish i could build a monument to this asshole. Unfortunately, i'm not an architect... or even a painter, for that matter. I can't even do a mural. And even if i could, i couldn't afford to pay for the side of some dilapidated building. I'm worthless. I guess that's the way it ought to be...
-cpb 11/2 {link}

"Have you ever transcended space and time?"
"Yes. No. Uh, time not space. No, I don't know what you're talking about."

Here we are... All Hallows Eve. Wippidy-do-da-dey. And what did i dress up as? A bum. No, wait... that's just me. No dress-up for me today. I did that Saturday. I was professional racquetball player Tommy "Mooseknuckle" Johnnson... although i lied & told everyone that i was Tommy "Moosecock" Johnnson. I think they all got the picture, though. I don't care. I was too busy trying to keep myself sane with an endless stream of anal fisting & gay jokes. My personality smells of hot garbage of late. I can't help it. I can't help making an ass of myself, either. The beats go on...

"Some people never go crazy. What truly horrible lives they must live."

And then Sunday it was off to Tiffin, my beautifully decrepit & festering hometown, to lunch with my grandparents. I try to make it down there at least once a month, but i have to admit, it's hard. Mostly cos i'm an ungrateful little snot... but there's more. Every time i drive down there i'm struck with an overwhelming urge to bomb the place. Maybe not personally, but just wishing some great Army would lay siege to the whole damn town & everything & everyone in it, with maybe the exception of the few family members i still have there. I don't really know where this urge comes from. Do i want to destroy my past? Am i longing to be there when the bombs fall? Am i trying to run from some phantom that lurks & sulks up & down Market Street? Promise lived there, but was swallowed up by some horrible disease they've yet to find a name for. The antecedent of disappointment began here... & it begins & begins & begins again, over & over. There's a light switch somewhere. It needs to be turned on...
-cpb 10/31 {link}

Boooooooooooooo!
Screw St. Louis, screw Tony LaRussa, screw Eck-schteen, fuck Weaver, fuck E-1... fuckidy-fuck-fuck-fuck...
Just kidding... St. Louis deserves to win. Detroit really shit themselves & just plain got their asses kicked.

I think i'm gonna go to Keith's house tomorrow night & drink till i can't feel feelings.
-cpb 10/27, 11:36 PM, EST {link}

"Goddamn bushmaster."
-Jack T. Colton

Apparently the Roaster was channeling Gaylord Perry last night... if not spiritually, then physically. What was that quote-unquote substance? My thought: K-Y Jelly. "Give ya an extra inch break on your curveball," according to Eddie Harris. But whatever, he's the fucking Gambler & he can do whatever the hell he wants. Maybe Todd Jones could pick some of that shit up & stop giving me a goddamn heart attack every time he comes into the game.
And Saturday's game... what a pisser. That's all there is to it...
-cpb 10/23 {link}

"He told the teacher her breaf was stink."

Last night (or early this morning, if you want to twist B.H. on the S.) i caught one of my favorite stand-up comedy specials of all time on Comedy Central's Secret Stash (where they show un-cut & un-censored shit). They showed Damon Wayans' 1990 HBO special The Last Stand? tonight. Despite the fact that hearing him say, "I ain't sellin' out, and if I do, I gets the hell out," is a bit cringe-worthy post-My Wife & Kids, this is still a GREAT special. From the intro using Public Enemy's Prophets Of Rage to rippin' on Mike Tyson to HandiMan... it just doesn't ever really stop being funny.
I remember watching this shit for the first time when i was about 13 years old & just being blown away. It was seeing this special, along with discovering George Carlin (via his Jammin' In New York HBO special & his Classic Gold compilation), plus, for some odd reason, Bob Nelson's HBO special Nelson Schmelson, that first got me interested in doing stand-up. And in high school, when i finally got the balls to perform in front of people, it was Wayans that i bit the most (Reverend Ed Cash bit, welcome to Cory's act). In fact, it was my inability to write original material (as opposed to stealing shit from my favorite comedians, like Carlin & Wayans & Steven Wright & Eddie Murphy & Sam Kinison & Dennis Miller & etc, etc, etc...) that kept me from ever pursuing stand-up. Damn you all for being so fucking funny.

Anyway... tonight is Game 1. Shit is ON! Despite ditching work Tuesday morning & wearing out my redial button, i was unable to procure a ticket. Maybe something will come along. Maybe it won't. Maybe the Tigers will put me on the roster. Maybe not. Maybe i'll just sit on my couch & drink & cry & then drink & then cry some more. Maybe i've lost my mind...
-cpb 10/21 {link}

Wow, what a night...
I'm hurtin' this morning, but i couldn't care less. The Tigers are going to the World Series & all is right with the world. I'm fairly sure i was at/in/around Cheli's for most of the night, but the rest is a bit of a blur:
--I think i drank some Champagne that was laced with Acid. Or maybe Syphilis.
--I was told that Kid Rock was playing in the parking lot, but i can't confirm this.
--I do know that, at one point, i was standing in a huge group of people where i was, by far, the tallest person, yet somehow i got kicked in the head. To be completely honest, i think it was a Ninja.
--I could have sworn that i saw Facebones.
--I also know that, at another point, i yelled at some asshole reporter dude that i wished he was Bernie Smilovitz, so that i could drop-kick his nuts. I'm guessing that this clip did not make it on TV. Besides, i think the guy was from Fox 2.
--"Please no more whiskey," was uttered at least four, & maybe as many as seventeen, times.
--Luckily, i didn't drive... cos i don't remember how i got home.

Anyway... the wait is now on. Game 1 isn't until Saturday. Thank Christ there are only three rounds of Playoffs, cos i can't take much more of this shit...
-cpb 10/15 {link}

Fucking burrrrrr! Goddamn cold out today. I even saw a few specks of snow. Yee-fucking-haw! And we got a little afternoon baseball coming up tomorrow, too. Should be nice & nippy. Go Tiggers...

And in other "stuff"... check this shit out. Awesome...

"You see... what we're gonna do with that vocal track is, well, we're gonna take the tape & piss on it. Then we're gonna burn it. Then we're gonna dig a hole out back & bury the ashes in the hole. Then we're gonna piss on the spot..."
-cpb 10/12 {link}

"I would only perform in a scene that contained full-frontal nudity."

My back's against the wall & i'm holding Aces & Eights, here. I'm climbing the Tower of Babel, but i can't seem to get rid of this midrash. Left Hand Luke asked me to help him find the Beggar Boys, but i could only point him in the direction of the Factory Hen, who at the time was helping Electric Slim through his methadone treatment. I spent a week as the wicket-keeper for Sri Lanka at the Team Triangular Series, but my knees gave out on me. And on & on... you get the picture.

Anyway... for lack of anything better, a new Ponders. Thank you to the real Bruno Puntz Jones...
-cpb 10/9 {link}

BONDO!!!
And the beat goes on... today it was Jeremy Bonderman dealing. And now it is on to Oakland (revenge for '72?). It looks as though three of my four predictions are going to be bunk. Selah, i'll take it.
-cpb 10/7, 8:11 PM, EST {link}

ROASTER!!!
The Gambler was in a-fucking-fect tonight. Rogers was on-fucking-fire, as they say. I was at the Elwood tonight for most of the festivities... spilling out into the streets after the game - groping, drinking... being a drunken fool, in general. Good times, indeed.
Luckily, i was able to catch the first few innings at someone's house, which means i got to hear Ernie Harwell call the 2nd inning on the radio & the 3rd & 4th innings on ESPN. GREAT stuff! I love Ernie. In the 2nd - when Matsui struck out & again on TV when Giambi struck out in the 4th, i got to hear one of the greatest strikeout calls ever:
"He stood there like the house by the side of the road and watched it go by."
Fucking Classic! Ernie even gave Pudge a "He's out for excessive window shopping" line.

Bottom line is... i can't back off my "Yankee Win" prediction for the series... just like i stuck to my "82 Win" prediction during the regular season. Again... i hope i'm wrong. Bondo - could you possibly turn in ONE good start for the past three months? I fucking hope so... i'll keep my fat, little fingers crossed.
Go Tigers...
-cpb 10/7, 3:03 AM, EST {link}

Yesterday the Tigers were like, "In your face!" And i was like, "Yeah... in my face." Then i looked around & realized i was sitting in a room all by myself, talking to the TV. But fuck it, i was fucking happy. Screw you for judging me!
Good stuff from the hometown team, indeed. The only thing i didn't like about watching yesterday's Tiger/Yankee game (don't ask me how i got to a TV in the middle of the day, it's a secret) was the fact that i had to listen to Joe-Fucking-Morgan call the game. What a tremendous douchebag. Joe Morgan can die of Syphilis & go to hell as far as i'm concerned.
Anyway, hopefully we'll see some more good stuff from the Roaster tonight. I'll be downtown, myself, drinking until i can't feel feelings. So, either way... goo...
-cpb 10/6 {link}

"You will hear me every the time."

Had to get on quick with a little Baseball Predict Action, otherwise known to no one as BPA. Anyway...

American League: New York over Detroit & Minnesota over Oakland
Minnesota over New York in 5
National League: San Diego over St. Louis & New York over Los Angeles
New York over San Diego in 6
World Series: Minnesota over New York in 5

It hurts... it truly pains me to say, but i think the Tiggers are going to get swept. I actually think that, against all odds, they're going to get some good pitching - i just don't think the bats have any juice left in the tank. We'll see...
-cpb 10/3 {link}

Late last night i got a phone call from a good friend of mine, one Mr. Keith Krygielski, who informed me that he & his wife, the lovely Jess, were blessed with the arrival of a little squirt, who will hereforto be referred to as Miles Francis Krygielski. A "ski", indeed.
Congratulations to the happy couple & thank whoever it is you want to thank that the little bugger's got all 10 & 10. Our baby all grows up & he's all grows up!
-cpb 10/1 {link}

Detroit Sports... where do i even start? The Lions? Horrible. A total fucking embarrassment. The Tigers? Arrgg! They're limping into the Playoffs as we speak, losers of five straight. All they needed was one win, one lousy fucking win, against the worst team in baseball, to win the Central & they couldn't even do that. So it's off to New York. I have a bad feeling they're going to get swept. Can anyone get an out? Can anyone get a hit? Damn you, Baseball Gods! Go to hell!
-cpb 9/30 {link}

"I really hate that kinda music."
"It's Screamin' Jay Hawkins and he's a wild man, so bug off."
-Stranger Than Paradise

It's been about 260 days, so it's about time. Time for what? Just time... time for a Playlist. Songs that have bored themselves into my silly little skull of late:

1) So It Goes, (I Love The Sound Of) Breaking Glass & Big Kick, Plain Scrap - Nick Lowe
2) These Arms Of Mine - Otis Redding
3) Buick City Complex - Old 97's
4) Valotte - Julian Lennon
5) Idlewild Blue (Don't Chu Worry 'Bout Me) - OutKast
6) Three Steps To Heaven & Cut Across Shorty - Eddie Cochran
7) Rock And Roll Girls - John Fogerty
8) Was There Anything I Could Do? - The Go-Betweens
9) I Put A Spell On You - Screamin' Jay Hawkins
10) Sofa King - Danger Doom
11) Don't Bogart Me - Fraternity Of Man
12) Making Plans For Nigel & Grass - XTC
13) A Rush And A Push And The Land Is Ours & Death Of A Disco Dancer - The Smiths
14) Cooksferry Queen - Richard Thompson
15) Sweet Thing - Van Morrison
16) D.'s Car Jam/Anxious Mo-Fo - Minutemen
17) Original Fire - Audioslave
18) Battle Without Honor Or Humanity - Tomoyasu Hotei

-cpb 9/27 {link}

"I almost forgot my Magic Murder Bag."

What the hell is happening to Dane Cook? Is he becoming Lame right before our eyes? God, i hope not. Anyway...

The Foosball season is well underway & it looks as though i might have been eating a HUGE helping of the Cornbread in predicting six wins for the Lions. They truly are horrible. So far, however (even despite my Fantasy F'Ball team being 3-0), the College game has been much more entertaining. I'm sensing an undefeated match-up between OSU & UofM at the end of the year. That is, if the Luckeyes don't choke against Michigan State or Michigan doesn't lose a game against some middling Big 11 team (although they did get past Wisconsin this weekend). I just thank Christ that i don't have to hear the words "Separation Saturday" again this year (i was about to fucking kill myself last Saturday).
In other Sporting News, the Tiggers are officially IN. I've been holding my breath the last month & a half or so, but they finally got their shit together this past week. The March is on.

And in other non-sporting News... the other night i had a dream that the people of Rhodes were erecting a huge statue of me. Pliny the Elder was there, trying to wrap his arms around my thumb & Helios wouldn't talk to me at the All-Night Buffet. What does it all mean?
-cpb 9/25 {link}

"It's not a thirst."

I've spent the last few days in Bethesda, MD, on some goddamn bridge. I was trying to write an article for some magazine that doesn't even exist anymore on some guy named Brian Posehn, who is currently working on a re-interpretation of an Eisenstein movie. Trouble is - he's not even sure which one. You would think The Battleship Potemkin... although talking with a crack-addicted whore named Taxi, that was hanging around the set, rumor has it that it's the unfinished Que Viva Mexico!... but, of course, in a finished form. And, if that falls through, which is probable, the whole ordeal may switch to a documentary of Jonathan Brace, the former Congressman. None of this matters, of course... or, at least, it doesn't change the fact that the whole who-ha was a waste of my & other people's time. Thag Simmons weeps...
-cpb 9/22 {link}

Christ... it's late again. Carlin On Campus on the Secret Stash. "Rat shit, bat shit, dirty old twat. 69 assholes tied in a knot. Hooray, lizard shit... FUCK!

I'm sorry... i watched a good old fashioned ass-whipping by the Tigers tonight... & i got a little involved in a Rod Allen Drinking Game. Damn you, Rod & Mario. You go to hell. You go to hell & die!
-cpb 9/16 {link}

It's NFL-time, once again. And whoopidy-do-dah-dey. We're about an hour away from the season opener, so i thought i'd get on & lay down some predictions. I can't do much worse than i did last year (even though i did pick the Super Bowl winner correctly). So, here goes it:

AFC:
East: Miami
North: Cincinnati
South: Indianapolis
West: Kansas City
Wildcard Teams: San Diego & Pittsburgh
AFC Championship Game: Indianapolis over Pittsburgh

NFC:
East: New York Giants
North: Minnesota
South: Carolina
West: Seattle
Wildcard Teams: Philadelphia & Atlanta
NFC Championship Game: Carolina over Seattle

Super Bowl XLI: Indianapolis over Carolina

As for the Lions... well, the Lions suck. At least some of their coaches like to ride around in their cars late at night, completely drunk & completely nude. I'll be nice - how about 6-10.
-cpb 9/7, 7:38 PM EST {link}

It was less than a month ago that i was praising the little man inside my CD player that chooses the songs whilst it's on Random. Well, "Hiss, little man... hiss." Actually, that's a bit strong. It's just that i hate it when he picks A Passion Play randomly, which seems to be all the goddamn time. Don't get me wrong, A Passion Play is a great song/album, but when i've got do-hickey on Random, i don't want to listen to a 45 minute song. Selah, i guess... we must take the good with the not-so-good.

Anyway, it's well past 4 in the morning & i can't sleep yet again. And worse yet, i can't get any work done, either. What a fucking waste. So, it's Late Night TV time, once again. Lately, after watching re-airings of Cheap Seats & Family Guy, i've been taking in a lot of Poker on ESPN Classic. That, along with catching the 2006 WSOP Main Event during "normal" hours has convinced me to get into the 2007 event. So, if anyone out there wants to front me 10 Large, get in touch.

And being ADD, during commercials i must flip around. Of course, at this hour there is little else on (tonight was apparently a James Brolin-fest on cable... two shitty movies on separate channels at the same time). So, this morning i caught the video - on either VH1 or MTV, i don't really know - for Regina Spektor's latest single, Fidelity, off her new album Begin To Hope. I was glad to see this for a couple reasons; one being that i think Spektor is the best-looking woman out right now making good music (save for Norah Jones) & the second being that i'm glad she's getting a bit of mainstream attention. This second point gives me a bit of pause, however, but not because i think she'll start making shitty music if she gets popular. It's just a bit of the, "I knew them before they got famous," pretense. I first heard Spektor on NPR a couple years ago, after which i had to go out & get her major-label debut, Soviet Kitsch. It blew me away... & Begin To Hope is even better. And live, she was excellent. I got a chance to see her last year in Chicago (i did go with a chick, so it's not as gay as it sounds... asshole).
The situation, however, is precariously close to reminding me of my John Mayer fixation. Thanks to D-Fresh, i got into Mayer's music slightly before his major-label debut was released. I liked his music, i liked that album & he also put on a damn good live show. Of course, after he got "big", i couldn't admit to liking his music without being called Gay. But hey, fuck it, i've been called worse. I really don't care, cos the son-of-a-bitch made good music & he's still putting out good shit. Check out Try! for some good-ass, good-timey rock & roll. Is this making any sense? Ah, fuck it... no need to make sense at this hour. Point is - Regina Spektor = good shit. Anybody wanna see her in Detroit next month, get in touch. I've got an invitation to see her at the Majestic, but i think Madtown is a stretch... especially during the week. Fuck, i need some sleep...
-cpb 9/7, 4:29 AM EST {link}

I've been quite busy of late... but i had to get on & comment about a little show i saw Saturday night. Steely-motherfucking-Dan... Steelyard "Sugartooth" McDan tour. They did it again... blew my nuts straight off. Michael McDonald opened up for Dan & was average at best. Unfortunately, the years have not been too kind to Mike's voice. But, he had his moments. Now, as i said, personally i thought McDonald's set was average... but there was at least one person at the show that must've REALLY hated it. All i have to say is - fat guy, completely blue, stretcher, chest compressions & me commenting to Greggo, "That guy is fucking dead." I don't know... maybe he wasn't... but he was.
That excitement aside, Becker & Fagen came out & saved the show, if not that fat dude's life. Their backing band was unbelievable, per usual. In case i didn't mention it five times already, Jon Herington is a great guitar player. And Keith Carlock... i didn't like the way he looked, but he fucking rocked that drum kit. McDonald even came out & sang a couple Dan songs (Show Biz Kids, anyone?) and actually sounded better for those two songs than he did during his entire set. Simply, a great show all the way through. The summer frostbite was well worth it...

Oh, i almost forgot. According to some suburbanite, douchebag Soccer Dad driving a shit-smeared hybrid - Greg sucks.
-cpb 9/6 {link}

Crikey..... R.I.P.
-cpb 9/4 {link}

The Tigers are backsliding, Eastern Michigan lost their season opener to a school named after a Ball Bag, the Lions suck dead donkey dick... & even The Shock can't win the Big Game. The who? Yeah, i don't know either. There's a dark cloud on the horizon...

But things are looking up! Steely-motherfucking-Dan tomorrow night. Foot... DEAD! The dulcet tones. Are you fucking kidding me? Those are the little things... that's what we've been waiting for. I got my hair cut today & the pressure on my forehead seems to have loosened a bit. They're all talking again... the voices are back. The Good ones... the ones on the merry-go-round. Chatty-chatty-chat-chat. Blah, blah, blah. E... T... C...
-cpb 9/1 {link}