I'm sick of hearing about Christians suing to be able to sing Christmas carols at school, or to be able to put a nativity scene in front of the local Town Hall or whatever. Every interview you see with these people, they're always like, "What's the big deal, it's just decorations," or something to that effect. Thing is, it's always Christians saying, "What's the big deal?" There's never a Jewish guy suing to put a Merry Christmas sign up on the Courthouse. Now, i know a lot of non-Christians also sue to take this shit down, or get Christmas out of the schools, or whatever. And when they do this, the Christians, again, are all, "Oh, come on." But just what would these same Christians do if in the middle of town there was a huge Happy Chanukah sign... by itself, with no Merry Christmas, or Jesus, or whatever? They'd probably flip out. I saw a lady on Good Morning America yesterday say something to the effect of, "How can you take the Christ out of Christmas? He's the reason for the season." Bullshit. He's the reason for Christmas. There are a lot of other holidays going on right now. Just because this country has been predominantly Christian throughout the course of its history doesn't mean that it still is. Some people are like, "Hey, we've always had this nativity scene or this Merry Christmas sign... blah, blah, blah... what's the problem?" This theory is bunk. For a long time, blacks were thought of as sub-human in this country. Women couldn't vote. Pot was legal. Wait a second, that last one... never mind.
Thing is, i can see the Christian's point, to a certain extent. It is just a sign, or decorations, or whatever. But then again, i have always celebrated Christmas. I'm not religious at all now, and even growing up, although i did go to church occasionally, my family was not hardcore... but i always liked those damn presents. I remember singing Christmas songs in elementary school & having Christmas decorations in the classroom & stuff like that. And looking back on it, i don't find it odd at all. But then again, like i said, i always celebrated Christmas. Had i been a Jewish kid, or a Muslim kid, i probably would have been like, "What the fuck, man?" I know school is all about humiliation & alienation, but that shit should come from the popular kids & the jocks, not from the teachers & administrators.
Another argument, of course - one that i'm sure a lot of right-wing Christian jaggoffs wouldn't commit to - is the fact that for a lot of people, when they see a sign that says Merry Christmas, they don't think of Jesus or God or religion. They think of presents, eggnog, Santa Claus, reindeer & endless commercialism. To many, myself included, Christmas is about the party, not the supposed birthday of some guy that started a religion 2000 years ago. In that respect, why not just put up a sign that says Happy Holidays? Make up new songs to sing in school. Get everyone involved. And if you want to sing Christmas carols, then do it at fucking home. We don't need this shit in school, or in a government building. Oh well... what can ya do?
-cpb 12/22 {link}

Oh, the torture, the horror... of being a Lions fan. Only the Lions could pull out a loss like that one. They have (very) slowly & steadily improved over the past three years with Mooch at the helm, but this season has turned out just like the past two - promise in the off-season of a huge improvement, bring in a few good players, look like a decent team... then injuries, often ridiculous play & another disapointment. Selah...

Anyway, today while i was wandering aimlessly around the house trying to find things to fix/do/clean/cook/et cetera/et cetera, i was listening to Los Angeles by X & some generic Hollies best of & i came to two conclusions.
1) King Midas In Reverse is a fucking awesome song... & as much as i love Long Cool Woman (In A Black Dress), i think King Midas In Reverse is my favorite Hollies song. He ain't heavy, indeed.
2) X's cover of The Doors' Soul Kitchen is a damn good, albeit odd, cover. And i freegin' like it, dude.
-cpb 12/20 {link}

Yeah, i'm twenty-fucking-six... so what? Luckily, i have a wife that understands that i still must go on the post-exam week bender. I've moved on from whiskey since the glory days, but shit man... rum'll do ya good. Forget about it...
-cpb 12/17 {link}

I realize that it was about a week ago now, but i did want to mention how fucked up the shooting of Damageplan & former Pantera guitarist "Dimebag" Darrell Abbott was. Not that i was a huge fan or anything (i'm not & was never really big into the heavy metal), but that is still Fucked Up.
Now, in my time as a member of the legendary rock & roll outfit TERRY's KID, we played in front of quite a few hostile crowds... & we had quite a bit of shit thrown at us - bottles, various liquids... the goat that took a shit on my mic stand - but luckily, no one ever opened fire. We did have a few people threaten to throttle us if we played another note, but these were all settled with a quick swing of the mic or toss of the random blunt instrument that may be found on stage.
Regardless... it's fucked up, man.

And while i'm on the music kick, it's playlist time. Yee-(m-f-ing)-haw.

1) Dixie Chicken - Little Feet
2) Here Comes A Regular & Kiss Me On The Bus - The Replacements
3) Where Is My Mind? - Pixies
4) Ballrooms Of Mars - T. Rex
5) Ms. Fat Booty & Mr. Nigga - Mos Def
6) The Politics Of Dancing - Re-Flex
7) Why Blues - Chris Thomas King
8) Turn Me On - Norah Jones
9) Downtown Train, Get Behind The Mule & Kommienezuspadt - Tom Waits
-cpb 12/16 {link}

Now let me do my Unpaid Spokesperson bit for a sec. Netflix is the proverbial bomb-diggity. As many movies as you can watch. $18 a month. Pretty good deal. The wife & i have gotten 26 movies in a little less than two months. Anyway, one of our most recent views was The Nutty Professor - the original, of course. I'm not French & i'm not a hardcore Jerry Lewis fan, but his turn in this movie as Buddy Love is pure genius. This movie also includes one of the greatest lines i've ever heard, when Lewis as Buddy Love is attempting to woo Ms. Purdy:

You're crazy about me, right? And I can understand it. Only this morning, looking in the mirror before shaving, I enjoyed seeing what I saw so much I couldn't tear myself away.
*kiss* *kiss* *kiss*
Have some baby?

If you ever wondered where Andrew "Dice" Clay got his on-stage persona from, watch this scene. It's unbelievable.
-cpb 12/15 {link}

It is Bowl Season once again, boys & girls. So sit back, tip, snort, sniff, fuck & barter... here are the picks:

New Orleans Bowl: North Texas over So. Miss.
Champs Sports Bowl: Georgia Tech over Syracuse
GMAC Bowl: Bowling Green over Memphis
Fort Worth Bowl: Marshall over Cincinnati
Las Vegas Bowl: UCLA over Wyoming
Hawaii Bowl: Hawaii over UAB
MPC Computers Bowl: Virginia over Fresno St.
Motor City Bowl: UConn over Toledo
Independence Bowl: Miami (OH) over Iowa St.
Insight Bowl: Oregon St. over Notre Dame
Houston Bowl: UTEP over Colorado
Alamo Bowl: Oklahoma St. over Ohio St.
Continental Tire Bowl: Boston College over North Carolina
Emerald Bowl: Navy over New Mexico
Holiday Bowl: Cal over Texas Tech
Silicon Valley Classic: Northern Illinois over Troy
Music City Bowl: Alabama over Minnesota
Sun Bowl: Arizona St. over Purdue
Liberty Bowl: Louisville over Boise St.
Peach Bowl: Miami (FL) over Florida
Outback Bowl: Wisconsin over Georgia
Cotton Bowl: Tennessee over Texas A&M
Gator Bowl: Florida St. over West Virginia
Capital One Bowl: Iowa over LSU
Rose Bowl: Michigan over Texas
Fiesta Bowl: Utah over Pitt
Sugar Bowl: Auburn over Virginia Tech
Orange Bowl: USC over Oklahoma
[17-11/3-1]
-cpb 12/14 {link}

I hate it when the water is too damn hot & it makes my goatee curl & wither up. The bed is cold, my feet stink & Mom's in the pantry with the maid. I've not got the video back to the store & the dog done bit the cat (or vice versa). It's Sunday - be it, live it. Maybe we'll get some snow this year, maybe not. It is - christmas time. Oh, Paul McCartney, where have you gone?
-cpb 12/12 {link}

Over the past Thanksgiving week/end, my wife's brother-in-law (does that make us brothers-in-law... i've not figured this out yet), who is normally a decent fellow, decided to totally douche my mind by giving me a Rubik's cube. Damn you, Ed! I've been trying to stay away from the damn thing, but it calls to me in the night, while i'm sleeping. I get up, groggy, twist it a few times, then go back to sleep.
Anyway, the other day i was looking on the internet for a solution to this bastard toy & was thrust into a world i care not to return to. SPEED CUBING! There are tons & tons of sites dedicated to this shit. And, best of all, there is apparently a world championship of speed cubing. This guy was 4th in 1982. Yeah buddy... hold on to that shit as long as you can. Glory days, bitch... glory days.
-cpb 12/8 {link}

I looked in the mirror today & nearly started laughing at how ridiculous my hair looks right now. I razor-shaved my head for Halloween (the wife & i, as Little Orphan Annie & Daddy Warbucks, perpetuating the incest/pedophilia vibe given off so lovingly by Mr. Mosqueda) & am presently enduring the grueling task of growing it back. Now, even in high school, when i did happen to go a few weeks without shaving my head (which didn't actually happen that often), my hair was nappy 'n' shit. These days, however, with the onset of Mr. Grey & Capt. Recede, my head is down right comical. Selah, & on to old age, i guess.

Anyway, in other news, i've made a couple additions here & there. Mostly there, but here & me don't really get along much anymore.
I rebounded from racking my brain nugget to come up with a list of the 300 best studio albums of the 70's a little quicker than i thought i would, & thus i've scoured the rebate bin to come up with the 65 best studio albums of 1980 & the 60 best of 1981 & 1982. Yee-haw, indeed, matey.
I also added a couple things to The Corner Of Miami St. & Gilmore. Nothing good, just a poem & a derelict SOC.

I had actually been on a pretty good streak of writing every or every other night or so (the good stuff, the stuff i don't let you see, of course - although the poem did drop off of a tangent confronted in said writing, the stuff i won't/don't/can't allow you to be privy to, but sometimes those are the breaks) (& yes, every other day is good for me... cock, beer?) & then i ran headfirst into a brick wall called Brief Interviews With Hideous Men, a book of short (some real short) stories by David Foster Wallace. I'm about halfway through this abomination of a book & still have not decided whether i like it or not. I actually think the book is making me retarded, or at least Wallace's (i.e. the writer) writing style is making me retarded. As much as his style annoys me, it is infiltrating my brain box, infecting it with repetition & footnotes & run-on sentences. I've gotten to the point where i have but three available options:
1) Finish the book, tear out the middle 13 pages, dunk my head in a bucket of ice water & then douche.
2) Stop reading the book now, take a dump on pages 31 & 32, & then bury it in the back yard.
3) Drink copious amounts of alcohol & try to forget the whole ordeal.

And in Sporting News...
The Bullshit Championship Series doing that voodoo that it do. Cal wins, stays 4th in both human polls, &, of course, drops to 5th in the BCS - killing their Rose Bowl-bound alter-ego before its birth. And, best of all, obviously, is the fiasco of having two (actually three - god i love the blue turf) undefeated teams with nary a chance at that great crystal (foot)ball. So, can we at least get the two outsiders-looking-in playing each other? Of course not! How great would it be to give Utah, the first small-conference team to get into the BCS party, a chance to prove whether they're legit or not by putting them up against Auburn? Unfortunately, though, Utah is stuck playing the laughable Big East champion Pittsburgh. Please, you greedy cocksucking school presidents, give us a goddamn playoff.
And then there's the whole Steroid/Baseball ordeal. What a surprise, right? I love Henry Aaron's comment on Mr. Bonds. Not too surprising, coming from Mr. Bitter himself (gee, he really took that whole, "Pass Ruth & I'll kill you, nigger," shit personally, huh?). Just joking, of course, but i like what he said. Juicing is wrong, intentional or not (allegedly!), & you now really must take Bonds' ridiculous numbers with a grain of salt. I have no solution for you here, Mr. Selig. Good luck & godspeed, you dolt.
-cpb 12/6 {link}

Oh, If Mandy Patankin Was A Horse, indeed.

You seem a decent fellow, I hate to kill you.
You seem a decent fellow, I hate to die.
-cpb 12/4 {link}

Butt-chafe sucks, but i put up with it. The blender, however, i do not - under any circumstances - mess with. I will have shit going every which-a-way, even directions yet unknown. The salad-spinner, alright... those cups that hold a single egg, though... you're pushing it.
-cpb 11/29 {link}

Ever wonder what the 300 greatest studio albums of the 70's are? Well, here's your answer. Number one? Well, London Calling by The Clash, of course. Number 299? Edgar Winter's White Trash, of course. A nice little Rock & Roll album, indeed. On to the 80's next, i think. But it may be a while, i'm busy here.

And in other news, we're just a couple days away from my second favorite holiday. Actually, i don't even really much like the holiday itself, just the food. My family & my wife's family both make some super shit! And i guess i shouldn't say that i don't like holiday itself. I was referring to getting together with the fam & shooting the shit. It's not that bad. I love my family & my in-laws are great... the only thing i really don't like is answering the same three or four questions 15 times in one day. I think i'll just have a prepared statement and read it to everyone at the beginning... & if you miss it, too damn bad. You just don't get to know what's going on with my charmed self. Selah, i guess. The wife & i are actually going for the two-fer. A morning drive down to Tiffin to see my fam, then back up to Michigan in the afternoon to see hers. Bonus - we get to eat at both places. Luckily, i'm fat, so i don't have to worry about blowing a diet or anything.

And in more sporting news, what's up with all the brawling? Wha happan? Clemson v. USC, Pistons v. Pacers, Pacers v. Piston fans. What are sports coming to? Goddamn hippies. Ron Artest, in the house again.
-cpb 11/23 {link}

Ohio State - 37
Michigan - 21

Well, i was a little off on the score, but i knew that Mee-she-gan would blow it. Of course, they've not blown it like Wisconsin has. Two weeks in a row. So it's Rose Bowl anyway... onward & upward for another Bowl Embarrassment for the Wolverines. Congrats, ass.
-cpb 11/20, 7:49 PM EST {link}

Well, we're just a few hours away from The Big Game - Ohio State v. Michigan. The hype hasn't been too overwhelming this year, actually. That may be because Ohio St. sucks, or maybe cos i don't live 5 minutes away from Ann Arbor any more, i don't know. Even though i live in Michigan now, and have lived here full-time for about 6 years now... i am a native Ohioan. And although i've adopted most of Michigan's sports teams (i've given up my Indians for Tigers, Browns for Lions & Cavs... wait, screw the Cavs... i just took in the Pistons - just in time, i guess) i've always rooted for the Buckeyes against the Maze & Blue. I'm not fanatical, i wasn't a fanatical Buckeye's fan when i lived in Ohio... but i've always hated U of M. And moving to Michigan only made it worse. I have to hear about U of M & how great they are constantly. Perhaps if i lived just outside of Columbus & didn't got to OSU i'd begin to hate the Buckeyes, cos i think Ohio St. fan is actually worse the Wolverine fan. Anyway, there's a point somewhere in here &, yeah, here it is... oh, yeah - it's getting harder & harder to root for OSU, with all the shit that goes on down there. Not that every major college doesn't do the same shit & have the same drug-addled, teenage jaggoffs running around raping & looting on campus... but it's disappointing when your school actually gets Caught. Hell, everyone knows Jim Tressel is as crooked as a bent nail... but then again, so is that Super Dick, Lloyd Carr. It's just looking like Jimmy T. is going to get Caught. And Shame on him! Anyway, all this blab is meaningless, cos i'm about to expound some fucking knowledge here. My prediction:

Ohio St. - 20, Michigan - 16
-cpb 11/20, 10:11 AM EST {link}

I had something to say about the death of Yasser Arafat, some old George Carlin bit, but i don't have the energy to find it. Then i had some take on the passing of Ol' Dirty Bastard, but i lost that too. Maybe there was a connection... two really ugly people. But i don't know. My brain hurts & has kinda been stuck in coast the past week. Lookin' for a new job. Not findin' much. It's a bear out there, man.
-cpb 11/18 {link}

Yesterday i was walking down the street in my glorious home town, when some dude came up to me & asked me, "What is the 32nd best studio album put out in 1979?"
"Well, I Can See Your House From Here by Camel," I replied to him, quite matter of factly.

Odd, maybe, but it is true that i've recently gotten back into my BSAofEY Project. I've crap-dove into the 70's, having completed 1970, 1972, 1974 & 1979. More to come, i hope... but you know me. Or maybe you don't, in which case, screw you. Take time out of your busy schedule to smell the goddamn roses. Oh, & the best album of 1979? London Calling, of course.

And in sporting news, i've almost had it with the NBA. Or, more to the point, NBA players. A few weeks back, Latrell Sprewell made some dumbass comment about how he had, "mouths to feed." This, while making something like $14 million a year. Then, yesterday, it comes out that Ron Artest, who's a fruitcake as it is, say he wants to take, "about a month off," cos he's tired, after a busy offseason making & promoting his rap album. Now, i'm not even going to get into the hugely atavistic endeavor of various NBA jaggoffs cutting records, but this is un-fucking-believable. This guy is making something like $8 million a year, or something ridiculous like that, & he wants to take some time off to promote a rap album? The NBA makes me wanna puke right now.

Other than that, i want to give a shout out to all our Veterans out there. Especially my Dad. I've never told him & i know he doesn't read this shit site, but i'm really proud of the sacrifice he & millions of others have made. Thanks guys.
-cpb 11/11 {link}

Well, according to Mythbusters, a duck's quack in fact does echo.
-cpb 11/7 {link}

Just one more thing about this here Election that they say went down this week, then i'm done... at least until i think of something else. Earlier today i saw a commercial for (one of) Toledo's evening newscasts (yes, we get Ohio news here in Tee-cumseh) touting a story on how, "Ohio is paying for this election." The story is on how much money went towards things like pollsters & needless paperwork, etc., etc. The first thing that came to my mind, however, was, "Yeah, Ohio's gonna be paying for this election... for the next 4 fucking years!" Ohio's economy went to complete shit in the past 4 years, & it wasn't that good to begin with. What the hell were they thinking? Maybe i'm just bitter towards my old Home State cos i backed the Loser, but damn - what the hell, Mr. & Mrs. Buckeye?
-cpb 11/5 {link}

Today i watched The Price Is Right for the first time in probably a couple years. When the hell did Rod Roddy die? Well, apparently it was last October. Butt & boob cancer. Shit, man. At least Bob Barker is still kickin' it. It's probably all that young ass he gets. I also found out that the Hoveround can even go to the Grand Canyon! Ya learn something new everyday, i guess. Sometimes, even two things.
-cpb 11/4 {link}

A little more sleep... a little less focus. It looks as though Kerry will give up his funny little challenge & let the country prepare for four more years of Curious George's stupid faces & stupider (?) answers. I have to admit, i'm glad that the winner this year actually got the MOST votes. This country is so divided & the funny thing is that it really doesn't need to be. So polarized, but why? Are Democrats & Republicans so different?

I just watched a little bit of Mr. Nader's goodbye speech. Oh, Ralphie. On one hand, i'm glad that he didn't get enough votes in any one state for Dems to cry about. On the other hand, however, i kinda wish he'd had a stronger showing. I think what this country needs, badly, is a strong 3rd party. I don't see it ever happening, but selah.
-cpb 11/3, 12:44 PM EST {link}

Up to see the wife off to work (somebody's gotta support this rabble) & it looks as though we're in the same spot we were 4 hours ago.

Did i just hear Imus say that CBS has Al Queda in its ranks? What a fucking dunce.

I'm having another Gore flashback... only it's Kerry walking around in a log cabin with a Castro beard.
-cpb 11/3, 6:29 AM EST {link}

Well, fuck it.
Ahh yes, fuck it.

I gotta go to bed. I have a bad feeling we're not really gonna be too sure about this one till the middle of the day. I'm having a Gore flashback. And it's not cos Cat is walking around pretending to have Zero Personality. Sleepy, sleepy...
-cpb 11/3, 2:02 AM EST {link}

...er, provisional?
-cpb 11/3, 1:35 AM EST {link}

Fuck you, Ohio. Here's to 4 more years of your economy going to shit. I hope U of M beats Ohio State.

And you know who else? Fuck P-diddy-dickwad. Looks like you really made a difference. 17% four years ago. 17% this year. Good job, you no talent assclown! Congratulations MTV! Choose or Lose indeed. You lost, so did we. And here's to you, "young voters". Did people really think this year was going to be different? They didn't come out for George McGovern 30 years ago against one of the most criminal fucks this country has ever known, why the hell would anyone think they'd trot out for J.F. Kerry? I gotta pee...
-cpb 11/3, 1:26 AM EST {link}

Well, it's almost midnight & i'm hooked. My wife is upstairs, asleep & pissed at me that i'm not in bed with her, but what can you do? Right now Dub(Hey)ya is (projected) ahead 210-188. I'm just hoping that the voters in my current home state (Meeeechigan) & former home state (Ohio) voted with their heads & not their respective penises & vaginas. StoneFace can still pull this out & i hope he will. I still don't think he will... but maybe i'm just bitter about the fact that it looks as though i won't be able to marry Peter B. in either Michigan or Ohio.
Curse you Aqua Scum!!!
-cpb 11/2, 11:36 PM EST {link}

Ever get the feeling you're getting old? Have to take a nap before/then leave a party early. Hey, Old Man River, how ya doin'? Ah-aight.
Anyway, we're less than 24 hours away from Election '04. Weeee!
I realize a while back i lambasted those not "in the loop" of this here Election. But i've changed my mind. Just go out & vote. And if you don't know shit, then just vote for Kerry, cos that's what i'm gonna do. I don't really think he'll win, but fuck it... Madden Rule - go for the underdog. Blah, blah, blah...
-cpb 11/1 {link}

Well, ghouls & goblins are getting ready to take over. Did the neighbor actually say we were going to need 14 bags of candy? Shee-it! Oh well. And hey, the Red Sox done won the World Series. How the hell about that, huh? Any way, Thunderwing, Cisco Kid was, in fact, a friend of mine. Peace!
-cpb 10/29 {link}

Well ho-lee-shit! Boston pulled it out, just as i said they would. What a freegin' series. Screw people who don't like baseball... you're dumb!
In more important news, however, THE Experience's Race To Two Hundy fell just a tad bit short. We ended up at 206. Not too shabby, i guess. Another site in The cpb Network, The Jethro Tull Experience, debuted at #344. Not too shabby, indeed.
-cpb 10/21 {link}

Damn, if i had only known how funny the presidential debates were, i'd have watched the first two. And on & on...

For those with weak teeth out there - watch the fuck out for popcorn, cos it will fuck you. Popcorn... freakin' popcorn. Tooth - DEAD! Destroyed. Luckily, i can always fall back on the fact that my father once cut his lip on a Klondike bar. That always makes me feel a little better about myself. Thanks, Pop!
-cpb 10/15 {link}

Well, "3 outta 4 ain't bad," as Meatwad once sang. My playoff predictions were just a tad off - what am i thinking betting against the Yankees anyway? But everything is still in line for a Boston/St. Louis World Series. Yes, i do believe this is the Year of the Sawx. We'll see, we'll see. And also, for you horse racing fanatics out there - Game 3 of the WNBA finals is tonight! Yee-haw, ride 'em cowboy.
-cpb 10/12 {link}

Well, it looks as though the other two shoes have dropped to complete the "it always comes in 3's" clich�. Christopher Reeve, my generation's Superman, finally reached the end of his increasingly miserable existence, joining Rodney & Janet Leigh, who actually died last Monday. And on top of that, just for good measure, former major league baseball player Ken Caminiti passed this morning. This may sound cold-hearted; but, quite frankly, it's really hard to feel sorry for this sad bagel. Caminiti admitted to pumping himself full of steroids while he was playing baseball, & in fact that he started in 1996 - the year he won the National League MVP award. A couple years ago he laid it all out in a Sports Illustrated article, saying something to the effect of "it's hard not to do it when you know you can increase your performance, stick around longer & make bigger bucks." Or something of that nature. It's a weak argument if you ask me. I bet if you ask his three daughters, they'd gladly trade all the money he ever made playing baseball to have their father back.
-cpb 10/11 {link}

The answer is... four?

82 years is a long time to live, so it's hard to feel too bad about Rodney Dangerfield's passing, but it's still sad to see him go.
-cpb 10/7 {link}

To quote the oft-quotable Jim Mora - "Playoffs! Playoffs... you're talking about playoffs?!?"
The Baseball Playoffs begin today. Strap in & strap on. Here are my picks:

Boston over Anaheim, Minnesota over New York & Boston over Minnesota.
Houston over Atlanta, St. Louis over Los Angeles & St. Louis over Houston.
And your winner is... the Boston Red Sox in 6. There you freegin' have it.
-cpb 10/5 {link}

Well, well... a new month, a new page. Anyway...

The wife & i took off for the weekend, up North, to do a little camping & wine touring around Traverse City with her fam. The wine tour was actually a pretty good time. I know most people that know me will read that & go, "Wha-what?" But then again, you have to understand, free alcohol is free alcohol... even if it's not Whiskey. It's actually a pretty good people-watching experience. Now, i have never & probably never will understand "wine people", even despite the fact that most of my in-laws are of that ilk, but that's okay. Wine people will probably never understand why Rum & Cokes that start the night at about a 40 to 60 Rum/Coke ratio end up at 90/10 about eight minutes before i end up flat on my back somewhere in a pool of my own piss & vomit. My only real dive into wine was back in the day when D-Nice & i decided to be winos one night & bought a box of wine. I never really acquired the taste, or the attitude for that matter. And as i said, that's cool - different strokes for different folks, as Sly used to say. It's just odd watching these people holding the glass up to the light, swirling it around, smelling, sipping... making odd tilt-head expressions &, "Eh, hmmmmm, ehh," sort of faces, if you know what i mean. These are usually people who like their Jazz soft & think Bitches Brew is a lot of Barbarian Noise. But, like i said, it was a pretty good time. If nothing else, the landscapes & views in that area are tremendous, even if we did freeze our asses off at night (at least those of us without heaters). And, as it turns out, some of the wines weren't half bad. I tried to keep a rating system going of each of the wines that i tasted & as it turned out, each winery had its own system. If that makes any sense. So, for all you winos out there, here a few short reviews of a few of Northern Michigan's finest wines:

Peninsula Cellars:
2002 Pinot Blanc - Eh.
2002 Gew�rztraminer - Wee!
1999 Chardonnay - Blah.
2000 Chardonnay - Blah +.
Old School White - Not bad... not bad.
2003 Semi Dry Riesling - I've had better... but not many.
2002 Merlot - Meh.
2003 Pinot Noir - Too bitey.
Old School Red - Twang, thang, bang, wang.
2002 Cabernet Franc - Bitey bo-bitey, banana fana-fo-fitey, me-mi-mo-mitey.
Apple Wine - Magically delicious, sort of?
Cherry Wine - Spill the wine, dig that girl.
White Cherry - That'll do.
Melange - Wham bam, thank you ma'am.

Chateau Grand Traverse:
2003 Dry Johannisberg Riesling - Fuh, fuh.
2000 Proprietor's Blend - Like a poop bomb exploded in my mouth.
Cranberry Riesling - Slight bite that i kinda like.
Cherry Wine Sangr�a - Wicked bad.
Cherry Ginseng Wine - Wapow, kick-bang, step back.
2003 Late Harvest Johannisberg Riesling - Ahh-ight.

Chateau Chantal:
2003 Pinot Grigio - Like sand through the hourglass & into my mouth.
2002 Pinot Noir - Where am i?
Naughty Red - Dropout in my mouth, good-like.
Nice Red - Blah, blah, bliggity-blah.
Port Of Elk Rapids Sailor's Blush - It's in my mouth, but where?
Cherry Wine - It's a party in my mouth & the Cherry Hill Gang is coming.
Celebrate! (Champagne) - Makes my eyebrows go, "Why?"

Good Harbor Vineyards:
Pinot Noir - Blee-ack.
Harbor Red - Smooth like raspy voice.
Trillium - A stroke of genius... or not.
Fishtown White - Taste of fish with no taste.
Cherry - Flavorful dee-lish.

L. Mawby (Sparkling Wines):
Sandpiper (Extra Dry/White) - Rutti tutti, aw Fruity.
Us (Brut/White) - Tingly throat.
Fizz (Demi-Sec/White) - Wa-pow!
Sex (Brut/Rose) - Good, then bad, then good.

Bel Lago Vineyards & Winery:
Pinot Grigio & Chardonnay 2002 - The milk's gone bad!
Gew�rztraminer 2002 - Mud-stompin' time!
Pinot Noir 2001 - Kick in the mouth with a muddy boot.
Bel Lago Red NV - Oaken bucket, tooth inhale.
Cherry Wine - This is the best i've had all day - HOE DOWN!
BRUT Sparkling Wine 1999 - Brutus speak heavy.
Brillante Sparkling Wine NV - Sweet tartation.

And that is your map for the next time you wino-out up North. At least for a few places. I've got to wrap this up, cos Mom says my posts aren't aloud to be this long... but just a quick note of bon voyage to Shan-O, who is probably half way to Africa right now. Two years in Malawi, saving people & building houses for the rich. Good luck, you sack of shit!
-cpb 10/4 {link}