-----Original Message-----
From: Lassey, Jason
Sent: Monday, 29 November 2004 10:11 AM
To: Team Leader
Subject: Nuts: the Gathering Storm

Imagine my shock and horror, when I came in this morning and learnt that the nuts sitting on the table in the middle of the room had been there for some time. After some investigation it turns out that these nuts have been in their present condition since late Friday as part of the centres ongoing health campaign.

Dont get me wrong, I havent got anything against most forms of nut....aside from an unnatural, and congenital fear of the macadamia variety...however I must insist that these nuts when left out in the open constitute not only a health issue, but is also a matter for the considerably powerful Occupational health and Safety organs of Telstra to deal with forthwith.

Not only is there the distinct possibility of choking on one of these nuts, but the danger from wildlife poses no small amount of concern. Squirrels, in particular are known for their ability to smell various types of nuts at great distances, as can some Raccoons. Both of these are known for their territorial instinct. In one case, ONE squirrel is believed to have killed a polar bear in order to protect its hoard of nuts. While the report is dubious in origin, and its witnesses are hardly credible - and may have been intoxicated at the time - the story illustrates the danger suddenly foisted upon the hard working staff at Telstra.

While many tourists consider the squirrel to be harmless, most scientists spend considerable amounts of time playing down the aggressive instincts of the squirrel. Its worth noting at this point that one squirrel by itself cannot do a lot of damage, and may not inspire large amounts of fear in the human population, but when gathered into large gangs can be a considerable nuisance. It is these which have raised my ire. In the name of humanity, this must not be allowed to continue. Someone must think of the children.

Are we to live in a shroud of fear? Always looking over our shoulders wondering when the beastly hordes will attack. Will you allow these creatures to run through the corridors and stairwells with impunity? Never knowing where they will strike, at any time. We can run, but we cant hide. There will be no escaping their reign of terror if we dont do something now, and years from now when we are all subjected to our gigantic squirrel masters, we can all remember that this tragedy could easily have been prevented. All that is required for evil to triumph is for good men to do nothing. Even now the squirrel hordes are amassing, biding their time, and waiting...always waiting for a sign of weakness.

But then, maybe the idea with the nuts is to replace all of the Telstra staff (or perhaps the casuals) with squirrels. We've heard the rumours of the captive squirrel breeding program thats been running at Telstra Technology, but up until now these rumours had no substance. Well, this appears to be confirmation. Dont say you weren't warned.

You might consider this a rant, backed up by ludicrous arguments, and facetious reasoning, and yet I tell you that the danger is real. These nuts constitute a hazard of such magnitude as to make the Black Plague of 1392 to be rendered insignificant. Like Cassandra, the daughter of Priam, king of Troy, and more recently Winston Churchill (circa 1938) warning the world of the impending German menace, my prophecies are rarely believed by the sceptical populace.

Jason M. Lassey
Tester, Residential, Key & Corporate Testing
Service Specialist, Commercial & Consumer Testing
Telstra Service Advantage Adelaide