Now as you know, Im not one for complaints. I like to maintain the status quo and not cause a stir. I like to be patient and enjoy life, with as little fuss as possible. You might even say Im laid back. However Im not god, and my inexhaustible patience has at last been over-run by the burden of having to survive in a society full of murder, war and Port supporters.

As you would be aware, i strive to maintain the balance between good and evil, to right the wrongs, and question the rights. I stand in the gap against the rising tide of evil that is being rapidly fomented in our day to day lives. Of course I refer to the growing proliferation of teddy bears in our work place. Where once you could count on being able to come to work without having to worry about the visual onslaught presented by these cuddly bears, the situation is now such that you cant turn around without bumping into a small furry object.

This complaint is in no way linked to my abnormal and congenital fear of teddy bears, which began when I was 3 and spent several hours in the dark, locked in a teddy bear shop in Melbourne when the owner packed up and left me in the "Teddy bear cottage", accompanied only by a large toy gorilla, and a large cat i called milky (I later learned that this was in fact a rat.). The fact that the owner was my mum, is by the by. At least she wasnt Lindy Chamberlain.

I fail to see what sort of benefit teddy bears, or indeed any kind of stuffed animal can provide to the modern workplace. Are we all 2 years old and in need of a daily cuddle? what next...management providing warm bottles of milk to sobbing staff members? Will Andrew Murray offer to change nappies? Please. We're all adults.

As always from an OHS point of view, the ongoing spread of teddy bears must be a cause for concern. In the United States more people are killed by teddy bears, than real bears each year. Furthermore, if someone, was afraid of teddy bears then their death would be on the hands of management. Admittedly, while the likelihood of this happening is right up there with someone spontaenously combusting in a freezer, the possibilities need to be pointed out.

Of greater concern, is the purpose of the teddy bears. The plethora of teddy bears in this room alone suggests one thing: this is the pretext to an invasion. Not since the Great Cabbage Patch Kid debacle of 1984 has such a question been more pertinent. Accordingly the authorities must ask the following wuestions: What do they want? Has formal communication been tried? Do we even know who their leader is?

I for one, welcome our new teddy bear masters, and will do my best to assist their efforts to pacify our planet (or at least this building) by rounding up dissidents, dobbing in neighbours, and taking over crucial communications.

Jason M. Lassey
Tester, Residential, Key & Corporate Testing
Service Specialist, Commercial & Consumer Testing
Telstra Service Advantage Adelaide