I had a retreat with Fr Vijayanand S J in November 2008. During the retreat I discovered events in my sub-conscious which explained my poor relationship with my mother. I would like to share this with you, with the hope that it will be of help to you.

 When I was one and a half years old, my mother left me with my aunt as she had to work overseas.  My aunt was very kind to me and I became very attached to her.  Eventually I forgot my mother and my aunt became my 'real' mother. I was very happy staying with her.

When I was about four years old, Mother returned from overseas and she came to take me home. I felt she was a stranger, trying to take me away from my 'mother'.  I wailed and clung tightly to the leg of the table.  She failed in her attempt to take me away, but returned another day with re-enforcement – she brought my father along.  I was terrified when I saw her and ran to hide under the table. She grabbed hold of me but I managed to struggle free and ran to my aunt, clinging to her legs like a leech.  I was like a trapped animal fighting for my life.  Mother tried in vain to prise my hands away and enlisted my aunt's help. They succeeded and Mother carried me, but I started hitting her with my fists and she had to hand me over to my father. I was in despair as the car took me farther and farther away from my aunt.

When we reached home I ran around the room, looking for a way to escape.  My father latched the door. Every time the door opened, I looked to see if it was my aunt.  After three days I realized I would not see her again. The instinct for survival is strong in each one of us and I was no different.  I knew I needed someone to take care of me, so I started to call my mother "Mother", as she wanted me to, but from that moment, without realizing it, I rejected her. I was angry with her for taking me away from my aunt, whom I considered my real mother.

It was only during the retreat that I became aware of my traumatic experiences. They were all on the subconscious level.  On the conscious level I only vaguely remember hiding under the table and shrinking from my mother when she came to take me away.

My relationship with my mother was not good. I had no warm feelings for her. I was a rebellious child, more so in my teens.  I was rebellious and critical of everything she said or did. Sometimes I even screamed at her and did not speak to her, to avoid a confrontation. I refused to confide in her and I was living like a motherless orphan at home with my mother. I did not realize that it was because I rejected her and would not accept her as my mother. Mother, on her part, because she felt the rejection, found fault with everything I did. I felt she preferred my siblings to me. Often I felt guilty at my behaviour and tried to be nicer to her, but somehow I always slipped back to my old ways.

When these experiences surfaced to the conscious level, and I realized the cause of my bad relationship with my mother, I began working on my negative feelings.  Initially I found it difficult to get in touch with those feelings, but with the grace of God and the help of Fr. Vijayan, I succeeded.  I felt happy to be able to accept my mother as my real mother. I no longer need to 'punish' her for taking me away from my aunt.  When I went home after the retreat, I gave Mother a big hug and told her I missed her.  She was surprised but laughed happily when I hugged her.

My relationship with Mother has improved. I talk more often with her now, and can accept her as she is. I show her more concern, and not just out of a sense of duty.  It feels good to have a mother and I have found mine again, after fifty eight years. I owe this to the "Inner freedom" retreat.  I am really grateful to have the opportunity to make this retreat.