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" Because others love you or hate you, your
happiness does not increase or decrease. So why bother
about the expression of love or hatred?"
Even though I have been hearing this many times from my
mends, I could not make it my own. My friends used to
tell me "What is lacking for you in life? You have
position, power, intelligence, knowledge, qualifications
etc. If we were
in your position, we would be happy." But
deep within me, I was unhappy. Life was meaningless
and I was counting my days and asking God: "When
are you going to take me to you forever?" I used
to make my morning meditation in the graveyard in our
campus, which is exclusively for our sisters. Because
of this feeling, I asked for a year's leave from the school
not for any course, but just to be myself and discern
what should be my next step to be happy. I was looking
for some sort of retreat. By providence, I saw Fr. Vijay
Anand's letter on the table. I read the experiences of
two sisters who made the Inner Freedom Retreat. So I wrote
to Fr. Vijay and he replied welcoming me for this retreat.
I was very discouraged, confused, and
in despair and conflict. When I came here on 1st August
1997, just as I was entering our house, I had a fall.
It was very painful, but I got up and since it was my
birthday, I felt all the more and I said to God in anger:
"Is this your birthday gift to "me?" Secondly
I did not know Fr. Vijay Anand and I wondered what kind
of a Director he would be. I was scared of priests because
of a previous experience. The atmosphere of the house
- the silence that prevailed and Father's insistence that
we maintain strict silence put me at ease. I found Fr.Vijay
simple, gentle, humble, wise, sincere and approachable.
I was touched by his "way of going round
to see that everyone was comfortable both within and without.
He is a very good facilitator and with his guidance and
direction I came to realise the following during my stay
here.
He told us to go into our life history, past experience,
events, hurt feelings, persons and circumstances which
had an negative influence on our lives.To go deep within
myself, and go back into my life and spend time to be
myself in self search, self help, self-realisation, self-knowledge,
self-awareness etc. To be freed from the past because
I have accumulated a lot of negative feeling from the
moment of my conception till today.It is necessary to
go back into my own self, reflect within me, observe myself,
meditate on myse1f and look at myself, and spend time
on myself to be aware of my own identity. Since my motto
is "Do well all that you do", I took this retreat
very seriously. I had to work very hard in order to work
on my negative feelings. This was very painful, though
profitable. These are enriching experiences.I felt at
home, so I was open and sincere. This openness helped
me to receive
help given by Fr. Vijay Anand and I was able to accept
it with enthusiasm and interest.
So even in my pain, I experienced a little happiness and
also inner peace and freedom. I felt as if a very heavy
burden was lifted from me and I received relief from my
inner conflicts.
I had to go right back into my childhood
experiences. My father whom I was very fond of, disowned
me when I decided to join the Convent at the age of 15
and a half years. This decision of mine broke his heart.
I am the eldest daughter and I resemble him in features
and colour. I was good in studies, classical dance, singing
and sports. I used to get 100 marks in Mathematics and
I had a scholarship to go abroad. I had a boy friend.
He too used to get 100 marks in Maths. He is an engineer
now. He had asked me to marry him, but I said "No"
to him even though I loved him. I came
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to realise the reason for this "No" only during
this retreat.I decided not to marry at the age of l4 by
seeing how the many children of the servants were suffering!
So, displeasing everyone at home,
I joined the religious life, but illness too followed
me to the convent during most of the years of my religious
life. My father did not speak to me till his death. My
uncle who is a priest did everything for me. He brought
me everything I needed to bring to the convent when I
joined as a postulant. He accompanied me to the convent
. My father did not give me anything. I felt this rejection
very much since my father was very fond of me.
This feeling of rejection especially by my father was
the root cause of all my unhappiness in my religious life.
I came to realise this only during this retreat, while
working on my negative feelings. This experience was an
eye-opener for me in my life, because as I went deeper
into myself, in the silence of my hear1 I became aware
of the following:
- I started vomiting in my postulancy itself. I thought
it was because of the food especially bread and milk which
I did not like. I was admitted in the hospital and stayed
there for a month for investigation and observation. The
Doctor could find nothing wrong with me physically. It
was a purely psychological condition, especially due to
the negative feeling that my father had rejected me.
- For my vestition ceremony, no one came from home except
my uncle who is a priest.
- It was the same for my first profession. None of my
family members were present.And so also at my Final Profession,
no one came from my home.
I felt this rejection by my family very
much, especially the rejection from my father and mother,
since all my companions had their parents come from Bombay,
Delhi, Madras, Changanacherry and Trichur. They also distributed
souvenirs, took photographs, brought gifts for I was not
happy and thought" Well, this is the end.! Because
I felt I may not be their daughter etc. I was very sick
after each function with vomiting. Each time the doctor
examined me he could find nothing wrong with me physically.
I started giving gifts to others, started
taking their photographs without their being a need to
do so. lt was just my need for assurance of acceptance,
because of the rejection by my father.
I did not have contact with my father till his death.
I used to visit him, but he did not speak to me. He asked
for me before his death, but I reached home only after
his death. He died at 4.30 p.m. and I arrived home only
at 5.00 p.m. So there was no reconciliation. I did not
realise until now that my separation from my father hastened
his death due to sorrow: I am responsible for his death.
.
I worked on these negative feelings for
many days . These were days of pain, crying, agony, struggle,
hard work, brokenness and anguish. There were moments
of intense feelings - feelings that came up fully alive.
I had a dream after working on these negative feelings;
My father came to my room with a 'sari'. He did not see
me in the 'sari'. Let me see how you look in 'sari' and
I wore the same 'sari' which he brought me. Seeing this
he kissed me the way he used to kiss me when I was at
home. With this dream I felt very happy since reconciliation
has taken place now after so many years. This was the
root cause of all my unhappiness in my religious life.
I came to realise this only now by working on my negative
feelings. This is the grace and liberation I got after
these days of hard work under the able guidance and spiritual
direction of Fr. Vijay Anand.
My father had shouted at me when I joined
the convent. This was the first and last shout by my father.
This shout had gone very deep with me. So when others
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shout at me or accuse me, I used to feel very sick and
usually this feeling was manifested through vomiting.
17 years
ago , there was a false accusation. On the same day a
boil appeared on my chest.
I was
again falsely accused in connection with a court case.
A second boil appeared on the other side.
A staff member
had taken me to the Court hurling false accusations against
me. The mental torture developed into a volcano of agony
and anguish when the Management, my only kith and kin
here on earth ( since I had chosen this life),
let me down. Their lack of concern, encouragement and
support in my hour of need, trial and tribulation, made
me a mental wreck, and affected me very badly in the very
core of my being.
Through the prayers
and support and encouragement of 500 Headmasters of the
Headmasters Association , in the form of advice and financial
assistance, I worked for justice on behalf of my poor
students and we won the case, but I was on the
verge of a nervous breakdown due to anger and frustration
and the feeling of being let down by my own management.
3rd false
accusation by my major superior, a third boil appeared
on the chest.
A. At the beginning of this retreat I
was working on these hurt feelings without realising the
greater hurt feeling of rejection by my father, once I
worked on the rejection by my father, these false accusations
did not bother me much and I found it easier to forgive
those who had spoilt my name with these false accusations,
Once I became aware of the root cause of my unhappiness,
I began to work on these negative feelings.
I cried for so many days. Now lam able
to forgive them one by one. Let them enjoy life to forgive
those who have hurt me, who have destroyed my good name,
is a painful process. it is a long process for me. I am
at it, I am going to forgive them and work at this forgiveness
until I attain that inner freedom, happiness, joy and
peace. as I went on working on my negative feelings to
discover my own inner self.
.All that happened to me is part of
me, what goes on inside of me, will never get out. I have
to transform the negatives into positives e.g.
unhappiness into happiness
sadness into joy.
I have the capacity within me to transform my hurt feelings
into positive feelings. So I may not run after others
for consolation by repeating what had happened to me.
It is useless for me to expect love from others. I have
to come to my own self to find a friend within myself.
"Gratitude is the memory of the
heart" Sol would like to thank Fr. Vijayanand, a
very good facilitator in helping me to discover myself
by his experience, conviction, example, wisdom, silence,
simplicity, humility, smile, love, gentleness, hard work
and dedication.
I have been given new life. I want to
live now, not asking God to take me to himself no more
visit to our cemetery. Now I came to realise the root
cause for my unhappiness - rejection of my father when
I joined the Convent. Now I feel that I will be able to
enjoy celebrations and functions. Since it was possible
for me to transform my negatives into positives, unhappiness
into happiness, sadness into joy, by going deeper into
myself - discovering my own identity. I am going home
now being a little bit lighter in mind and body. Even
though you cannot see it, I can feel it. A very heavy
burden has been taken away from me. Now I am joyful and
have the capacity to enjoy life and attain inner freedom.
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