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THE
GREAT TRANSFORMATION |
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people and the suppressed fear of a recent surgery and biopsy
report, Working on my fears was a very freighting and difficult
experience, but now after being healed I am enjoying a tremendous
amount of freedom and this healing has also enhanced my self-confidence.
I
finally worked on accepting and acknowledging the goodness
and beauty in me'. I became aware of how all my suppressed
negative feelings had left me feeling worthless: As I began
to discover the 'self' in me that was hibernating for so many
years" I am now able to believe in myself - the "ME"
who is lovable, beautiful, talented, educated, capable and
a lot more, I am now able to feel, experience, appreciate
and acknowledge the love that is being showered on me by my
parents, family and friends.
I
worked-on accepting myself as being fat, and on the severe
pain and discomfort I used to experience before and during
my period every month. For over 20 years I used to suffer
with premenstrual back-ache and leg ache and then severe stomach
pain, nausea and vomiting during my period. I used to take
about 6 strong pain killers in a day to relieve me of the
pain. I didn't have much hope of being healed as my doctor
had told me that my menstrual pain was because I have a retroverted
uterus and I would have to just accept to live with the pain.
After working on the trauma of my first period and the period
pain, I have been healed of the pain, nausea and vomiting.
It is now one year since this retreat and I have had no pre
menstrual or menstrual pains.
The
new "ME" would never have emerged if it were not
for the patient and untiring efforts of Fr. Vijay. I persevered
in working on myself only because I was convinced that Fr.
Vijay cared for me. He was determined that I get healed and
he kept encouraging me and wouldn't let me give up, but at
the same time, he gave me the time and freedom I needed to
go through each negative experience and to gradually and eventually
get healed. Fr, Vijay accepted me as I was - broken, wounded
and hurting.
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Before I made the one month inner freedom retreat with Fr.
Vijayanand, I was a depressed and frustrated person who
was struggling to exist.
I am an extremely talented and capable person, but
I could never believe in myself. I was holding on to parental
rejection which I experienced at the age of three and as
a result 1 could not feel the love, care and support that
I received from my parents, family and friends. I felt no
one loved me, no one cared for me and I was alone in the
world. I never had the courage to express myself verbally
or non-verbally and as a result I had done an excellent
job at suppressing my feelings - both negative and positive.
I always looked happy and contented and so no one knew what
was happening inside me. In short I was a human being with
a heart of stone.
My father
is an alcoholic and I have been too ashamed to acknowledge
his presence in my life. We also used to have a lot of fights
and arguments. He was a very strict person & as a child
I was scared of him & consequently scared of all persons
in authority. I felt daddy didn't love me & I was craving
for his love and affection. As I worked on my feelings of
rejection 1 began to experience a lot of sadness and a tremendous
amount of guilt which almost tore my heart apart, because
it was only now at the age of 32, that I realized how blind
I had been to the tremendous amount of love daddy has been
showering on me over the years, while all along I had disowned
daddy as I was convinced that he didn't love me.
I also
realized that we as a family had disowned daddy, because
he was an embarrassment to us and this resulted in daddy
being a very lonely person, rejected by the family. I was
now determined to be reconciled with daddy and also to make
him feel loved and accepted by us, his
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family again.As
soon as I got back
after the retreat, for the
first time in
my life I sat
and spoke
to daddy. I told him about the rejection I experienced as
a child, how scared I was of him
and also how ashamed I was
of him, because I couldn't accept the fact that my daddy
could be an alcoholic. I apologized for all the disrespect
and the fights that we have had & asked for his forgiveness.
After receiving daddy's forgiveness I reassured him that
I will always be there for him. This has resulted in a new
bonding relationship between my dad and I.
I
was a person who could be exploited and manipulated very
easily, because I didn't have the courage to express myself,
while at the same time I was, craving for love & appreciation.
As a result I was getting angry and frustrated, but I couldn't
help myself as I wasn't aware of what I was doing. I was
so busy pleasing people, especially my family, that I had
stopped living my own life. I was getting depressed and
lonely and life didn't have meaning any more.
I
went through painful and tough struggle as I worked on my
feelings of rejection, betrayed, regret, disappointment
and anger for allowing myself to be manipulated & exploited.
I now began to feel and experience the love of my family
in a more intimate & meaningful way. I was born again
with a new life - a life full of feelings! .
It
was only after I was being healed within that I began to
experience Jesus in a more intimate way. Fr. Vijay's talks
opened up to me the humanness of Jesus and his Mother Mary.
The Eucharistic celebration on the terrace made so alive
and meaningful and this beautiful and transforming experience
of the last supper will always remain in my memory.
I
also worked on a number of fears, such as fear of men, fear
of dead bodies and spirits, fear of teaching teenagers,
fear of meeting
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I
will always be grateful to Fr. Vijay for transforming the broken,
fragmented 'ME' into a beautiful, enthusiastic and lovable "
ME "
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