| Masturbation, Western Conference Version | |||||||||||||||
| Jeff wants to announce that he is well-hung | |||||||||||||||
| August 19, 2003 Now it is time to preview the only conference that really matters...the West. The top five seeds in the West are better than the best team in the East. The number eight seed in the West would likely be a three seed in the East. And most likely every team will be better this year than last, except for the Jazz, Warriors, and maybe the Blazers. This should be fun...again, these rankings are based on my projection of regular season records. 14) Utah Jazz - For about the last five years, everyone has been anxiously awaiting the demise of the Utah Jazz. Has there ever been a more unlikeable team than the Karl Malone, John Stockton, and Jerry Sloan Jazz? Two of the cheapest players in memory team up with a bully of a coach to form the Buffalo Bills of the NBA. I swear, if Karl Malone wins an NBA championship, I may have to slit my wrists. But at least this year's version should be pretty gawd awful...Whenever the career scoring average of your projected top six players is a combined total of 44 points, you know you are in trouble. 13) Golden State Warriors - I have a great idea! Since we are a young, upcoming team, let's fail to sign our point guard and best player last year (Gilbert Arenas). To make sure that we don't have any sense of continuity, let's not re-sign our backup point guard and energy burst extraordinaire Earl Boykins. And just to make sure that we have no hope for 2003-2004, let's trade our best remaining player (Antawn Jamison), our best rebounder (Danny Fortson), and a highly regarded second year player (Jiri Welsch) for a shoot-first point guard (Nick Van Exel) who is a proven malcontent on bad teams and a slew |
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| READ MY COLUMNS 8-18-03 - NBA Eastern Conference Preview 8-17-03 - Friend Thoughts 8-15-03 - Reader Mail 8-14-03 - American Pie 8-13-03 - Party Recap (w/ Pictures) 7-29-03 - More Random Thoughts 7-27-03 - Hypocrisy and the Dying Truck 7-24-03 - Party Invite 7-22-03 - Summer Sports 7-15-03 - One Long Weekend Archives |
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| 10 Songs 1) "Honey and the Moon" - Joseph Arthur 2) "Move Your Feet" - Junior Senior 3) "Steppin' Out"- Big Gipp 4) "You Can Have it All" - Yo la Tengo 5) "Heroin'" - Velvet Underground 6) "Black Math" - The White Stripes 7) "Into the Mystic" - Van Morrison 8) "Thin Line" - Jurassic 5 9) "The End of the Road" - Virginia Coalition 10) "Where Have All The Rude Boys Gone"- Ted Leo and the Pharmacists |
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| Contact me if you have anything to say. | |||||||||||||||
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| of players who aren't good enough to make our rotation. Who ever made the offseason decisions for the Warriors this year should be tarred, feathered, and left at Alcatraz. 12) Memphis Grizzlies - These guys are not a bad team, they just aren't better than anyone else in the West.This is a team that is set up with a bunch of good role players (James Posey, Shane Battier, Mike Miller, Lorenzen Wright), but there superstar (Pau Gasol) isn't nearly as good as anyone else's superstars. The Grizzlies are likely to make a deal before the start of the season...they are loaded with wing players, but they are desperate for a big man. That is what makes their recent draft (Troy Bell?, Dahntay Jones?) even more mystifying. 11) Denver Nuggets - The Nuggets were one of the more interesting teams of the offseason. Although they failed to land a free agent of the caliber of Jason Kidd or Jermaine O'Neal, they were smart enough not to overpay for second-tier free agents. With the tandem of Andre Miller/Earl Boykins replacing the fearsome point guard combo of Junior Harrington and Chris Whitney, they cannot help but be better. And that is not even mentioning the addition of future Rookie of the Year and pimp daddy extraordinaire Carmelo Anthony. With a healthy Marcus Camby and an improved Nene (he dropped the last name), they are definitely an up and coming team. 10) Los Angeles Clippers - Believe it or not, the Clippers have actually spent a little bit of money this offseason. By matching the offer sheets to Elton Brand, Corey Maggette, and most likely Lamar Odom, the Clippers have finally shown a commitment to being competitive. Marko Jaric's slashing game will be a better fit with this team than Andre Miller's more controlled style, and reportedly Chris Wilcox played great in summer ball. Too bad that Eric Piatkowski and Cherokee Parks left...who will first round farm boy Chris "The Stiff" Kaman have to hang out with? 9) Seattle Supersonics - The Sonics drafted two American-born white guys in the first round. That is not a good sign. But it does lead to an interesting question...who is the best American-born white player currently in the league? Wally Sczerbiak? Matt Harpring? Brad Miller? Keith Van Horn? Mike Miller? It is quite sad that these are the best names to choose from. Is this really interesting? Well, it is more interesting than talking about the Sonics. 8) Portland Trailblazers - The veteran leaders Scottie Pippen and Arvydas Sabonis are gone, but fortunately, no one is in jail. I don't think the Blazers will be any worse, I just think that the other teams in the West have improved more. The Blazers do have some interesting young talent in Zach Randolph and Qyntel Woods....if both turn out the way that the Blazers expect them too, then Portland will definitely be able to rebuild on the fly. 7) Houston Rockets - The Rockets better make the playoffs this year. They believe that they have the main pieces in place...now it is time for them to start delivering. The complimetary pieces they added in the offseason (Eric Piatkowski and Adrian Griffin) are nice, but they aren't likely to be difference makers. If they are going to make the playoffs and have any chance to make some noise down the road, three major things have to happen: 1) Yao Ming has to become a more consistent force in the offense, 2) Eddie Griffin has to grow a pair, and 3) Steve Francis has to take his game into the next echelon of players. Being an All-Star is no longer enough...he needs to become a difference-maker. Oh, and one suggestion. Some TV producer needs to have Cuttino Mobley, Moochie Norris, Eric Piatkowski, Yao Ming, and Yao Ming's interpreter move in together. Couldn't that be the best reality television show ever? Cuttino and Moochie ragging on Pike about his receding hairline and overall honkiness and Yao Ming periodically chiming in after losses with statements like, "I was impressed with the warrior spirit of the Sonics from Seattle, but I feel I dishonored my people by only earning 4 rebounds." 6) Phoenix Suns - People forget how good the Suns were by the end of last season. Looking back, Phoenix probably gave the Spurs their most difficult series of last year's playoffs. If they were in the Eastern Conference, I think that they could legitimately be called Finals contenders. As it is, they clearly have some missing pieces that will be there undoing in this incredibly deep Western Conference field. Unless Jake Tsakalidis makes some major strides, they still have a gaping hole at center. And behind him is very little front court depth. They are definitely a step or two behind the top 5. ....And about those top five teams. This has to be the most talented collection of teams in one conference in decades. Each has a nearly All-Star caliber starting five, and all has decent depth. I must admit, I don't have a clue how this is going to turn out. I have changed their order of finish at least ten times in my own mind. Keeping in mind that I am ranking them in order of likely REGULAR SEASON record, here is my projected Top 5.: 5) Los Angeles Lakers - First, the positive.. The Lakers are going to have four Hall of Famers in their starting line-up. That cannot be a bad thing. All of a sudden, the Lakers have some legitimate depth. Rick Fox and Derek Fisher make much better back-ups than starters. Luke Walton, Kareem Rush, and Brian Cook should be fine in spot minutes. Team mascot Mark Madsen won't actually be suiting up any more... Now the bad news. The Kobe trial will hang over the team the entire season. Even if he only misses a few games and doesn't end up in Syracuse orange, it will be a media circus that they have to deal with every night. Also, this is a team clearly built for the playoffs. I can't see Phil Jackson playing his stars forty minutes a night to try to eke out a win at Philly. That may bode well for their playoff chances, but for my purposes, it makes them number five. 4) Dallas Mavericks - I think the trade with the Warriors may have been one of those rare deals that was bad for both teams...Jamison can't create his own shot and is a lousy defender. That said, it was a deal that they absolutely had to make. They had gone as far as that combination of players could take them. If there goal is a championship, they had to do something. And although I don't think this trade will work, it COULD work. Jamison is a good rebounder which will help, they definitely did not get the worse end of the deal from a talent perspective, and they are definitely deeper than they were a week ago....best of all, this could potentially lead to another deal that may land them that elusive center. Like all of these teams, Dallas could win the West, or they could finish 5th. This should be fun to watch. 3) Minnesota Timberwolves - You know there is something wrong with the NBA salary structure when Minnesota can turn an all-but-retired player (Terrell Brandon) into Latrell Sprewell. They turned Joe Smith into Sam Cassell and Ervin Johnson. They signed Michael Olowokandi at a rate that would have been unthinkably low eight months ago. And to top it off, they signed team mascot Mark Madsen. The Timberwolves may have the top six in th the league (Cassell, Sprewell, Olowokandi, Kevin Garnett, Wally Sczerbiak, and Troy Hudson). On top of that, they are hungry. The regular season still matters to them. So will they finally win a playoff series? They'll probably need a top three finish for that to happen. 2) San Antonio Spurs - In a lot of ways, it is very hard to bet against the Spurs. They are the defending champs, they have the reigning two-time MVP, they fleeced the league by some how turning Danny Ferry into Ron Mercer and Hedo Turkoglu, some combination of Tony Parker, Emanuel Ginobili, and Turkoglu are likely to have breakout years, they have Robert Horry AND Steve Kerr...one of which has been on the last ten championship teams, and they are clearly the best defensive team in the West. So why not pick them to win? Gut feeling. I think Duncan will be a little run down from Olympic qualifying and the Spurs rely on their star more than any other team. So that leads us to... 1) Sacramento Kings - Ahh, the forgotten power. If Chris Webber did not get injured, we are talking about your likely defending champ. This team is still very deep...they lost Scot Pollard and Hedo Turkoglu, two reserves who didn't play much, but replaced them with one of the few guys who can get under Shaq's skin in Brad Miller and Anthony Peeler, a very steady veteran. This team has always had outstanding chemistry, great selflessness, and has vastly improved on defense over the past two years. Combine all of that with the fact that they are hungry again, and the Kings are my bet to win home court advantage in the Western Conference playoffs. |
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