If you don't like sports, feel free to skip this one
One of those masturbatory columns...
August 18, 2003
      It is an exciting time of year in the sports world. The pennant races are heating up, the college and pro football seasons are about to begin, and the new Madden 2004 was just released. So with all of that going on, why would I be writing another NBA column right now? For whatever reason, the current NBA climate fascinates me. Despite a lackluster finals this year and an overwhelming number of players on the summer's police blotter, I believe the NBA is entering a new Renaissance. The league is becoming exciting and intensely competitive again and a new generation of superstars are entering their primes together. Add to that mix three of the most fascinating rookies in recent memory, and it all means that I cannot wait to get the season started. So with that, I offer up my Eastern Conference preview, a month and a half too early. The order is based upon my guess at how they'll finish in the regular season.

15) Atlanta Hawks - So you finish last season 35-47, with a sterling 9-32 road record. You are in a state of ownership flux, so you enter the season with lame ducks in both your coach and GM position. You trade your leading scorer for $9 million dollars in cap room. The first round pick that you traded last year for that leading scorer is used by the Bucks to draft the point guard that you desperately need.The only reason your only talented guard hasn't signed with anyone else is because he figures that he is better off waiting until you don't have the option to match an offer sheet next year. Your starting center is publically begging to be traded. All of this adds up to mean that Shareef Abdur-Rahim will continue gunning for the record for "Most Career Points by a Player Who Never Played in the Playoffs".
READ MY  COLUMNS
8-17-03 - Friend Thoughts
8-15-03 - Reader Mail

8-14-03 - American Pie
8-13-03 - Party Recap (w/ Pictures)
7-29-03 - More Random Thoughts
7-27-03 - Hypocrisy and the Dying Truck
7-24-03 - Party Invite
7-22-03 - Summer Sports
7-15-03 - One Long Weekend
6-28-03 - More Thoughts
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10 Songs
1) "Honey and the Moon" - Joseph Arthur
2) "Move Your Feet" - Junior Senior
3) "Steppin' Out"- Big Gipp
4) "You Can Have it All" -  Yo la Tengo
5) "Heroin'" - Velvet Underground
6) "Black Math" - The White Stripes
7) "Into the Mystic" - Van Morrison
8) "Thin Line" - Jurassic 5
9) "The End of the Road" - Virginia Coalition
10) "Where Have All The Rude Boys Gone"- Ted Leo and the Pharmacists
Contact me if you have anything to say.

14) Milwaukee Bucks - Two years ago, Milwaukee was Dallas North, with one of the most exciting offensive teams in the NBA. George Karl, Ray Allen, Sam Cassell, and Glenn Robinson nearly had this team in the NBA Finals. Fast forward to the present day. All four of them are gone and Milwaukee seems destined to finish near the bottom of the Leastern conference. Sure, they have some nice players in place with Desmond Mason, Michael Redd, and T.J. Ford. But who is going to score? Tim Thomas has potential, but what exactly is the expiration date on potential? He entered the league when I was a freshman in college. And I don't think the three-headed center monster on Pryzbilla, Gadzuric, and Skinner is going to scare very many people.

13) New York Knicks - If McDyess is healthy for longer than pregame warm-ups and back at All Star form, if Van Horn doesn't melt under the heat of the New York crowd, if either Lampe or Sweetney is productive as a rookie, if Frank Williams steps up at lead guard, and if someone on this team can take over Sprewell's leadership role, this team might be able to compete for the eighth playoff spot. And if I work out a little, I may be able to play quarteback for the Texans.

12) Cleveland Cavaliers - Lebron James mania is upon us. For the record, I believe that he will be pretty much all he is cracked up to be (which is a lot, since he is billed as the second coming), but I doubt he will have a huge impact on the standings. This team is loaded with young talent (Wagner, Miles, Boozer, Davis, Ilgauskas) much like the Clippers of two years ago, but they will be under the spotlight all year. Lebron's team will get everyone's best shot, so they won't be able to sneak up on people like a lot of young teams can. And can't you see Wagner and Davis being just a tad jealous of the attention the rookie is getting? They will pull some huge upsets, but they will likely be wildly inconsistent.

11) Miami Heat -
One problem with writing this column so ridiculously early is that I don't know exactly who is going to comprise the Heat. For the record, I am writing this under the assumption that the Clippers match the offer sheet for Lamar Odom. With Odom, I'd have the Heat in contention for a playoff spot. Even though I have the Heat this low, I do like some of their pieces. The Caron Butler - Paul Pierce comparisons seem legitimate. I like Dwyane Wade a lot, but I'd like him a lot more if he wasn't expected to play the point. If they do get Odom and Wade gets to play off of the ball...watch out. Sure, they don't have a center, but who in the East does?

10) Toronto Raptors - I was never a huge Vince Carter fan, but I am not ready to completely pile on him as so many others seem to be. He is still a Top 5 shooting guard...people should just accept that he is not Michael Jordan. If this team stays healthier than a year ago, there is still enough talent here to contend for a playoff spot.

9) Boston Celtics - I'll give the Celtics some credit...they seem to find a way to win games. Looking at the roster, you sort of wonder how. They'll either have a rookie (Marcus Banks) or a retread (Bimbo Coles/Tony Delk) at point guard. They have what is inarguably the worst contract in the NBA (Vin Baker). They have one sort of center (Tony Battie) and their alleged "Superstar" power forward (Antoine Walker) can't manage to pull down 8 rebounds a game or shoot 40%. And yet, still, they managed to finish comfortably in the playoffs last year, even managing to win a series. All that tells me is that Paul Pierce is underappreciated and that the East really, really sucks. This team is one Paul Pierce injury from being the worst team in the NBA

8) Washington Wizards - This is one team that I probably like more than most people. I think this team has potential to really be a lot of fun. I  like the Gilbert Arenas signing, Stackhouse is steady if unspectacular, and I believe Kwame Brown will become a very, very good NBA player, maybe as soon as this year. Everyone seems to hold new coach Eddie Jordan in very high regard.  If Haywood continues to improve, Jarvis Hayes or Jared Jefferies can contribute, and if Michael Jordan was as big of a cancer as I suspect, this team can be a Detroit Piston style team where the whole is greater than the sum of its parts. Of course, I could be totally wrong on this one...they could easily struggle to win 30 games.

7) Chicago Bulls - Ahh, the other team that I am irrationally in love with. Let me lay out the case against the Bulls...they are still very young with the exception of the slightly decrepit Scottie Pippen...they were one of the worst road teams in NBA history last year...their point guard of the future (Jay Williams) nearly lost his life in a motorcycle accident. While all of these complaints are accurate, I think this team has the potential to be vastly improved. They were already good at home last year, and huge home/road splits often narrow as a young team gets more experience. I think Jamal Crawford, Tyson Chandler, and Eddy Curry all have the potential to be stars. With the lack of quality centers in the NBA, bank on Curry being an All Star this year. I think Kirk Hinrich will more than make up for the loss of Williams, especially since he is more likely to accept a back-up role. And although Pippen is a whiny cry baby quitter, he will help in those close games that the Bulls had so much trouble in last year. Here is one side story to keep an eye on: Will fresh pup rookie Hinrich have to perform the normal rookie duties, such as carrying the bags for grizzled veterans Curry and Chandler? Even though they are two years younger than him?

6) New Orleans Hornets - Trading in the respected Paul Silas for Tim Floyd, the coach with the worst winning percentage in NBA history? The basketball gods don't like such sacrilege. Better enjoy the playoffs now, it will be much harder to come by when they move to the Western Conference next year.

5) Orlando Magic - No center (is this a recurring theme?) Grant Hill almost certainly won't play. A rookie point guard (Reece Gaines) or a too small veteran (Tyronn Lue). All of these issues would be a concern if the Magic didn't have my favorite NBA player, Tracy McGrady. His presence alone makes this a team capable of upsetting anyone in the playoffs. After adding Drew Gooden and Gordan Giricek last year, the Magic played some really great ball down the stretch, nearly upsetting the Pistons in the first round of the playoffs. This offseason, they signed dependable power forward Juwan Howard at a discount rate. This team isn't a championship contender, but they won't be boring.

4) Indiana Pacers -
Isiah Thomas is the coach. How could I possibly rank the Pacers higher than this? I respect Jermaine O'Neal and Al Harrington, but I am not sure if Cousy and Russell could overcome that fate.

3) Philadelphia 76ers -
How will Randy Ayers fare with such interesting personalities as Allen Iverson, Glenn Robinson, and Derrick Coleman? This team is actually much more talented than the 2001 Finals version. If Iverson can avoid getting too banged up during the regular season, this team could potentially do some damage in the playoffs. Iverson finally has a few other scorers to help, so they may not be quite as brutal to watch as they were in the past. Plus now that all of the white small forwards are gone (Harpring, Van Horn), who are they going to blame their losses on?

2) New Jersey Nets -
I despise Jason Kidd, but I relish typing those words. Despite the fact that he is a manipulative, self-promoting wife beater, he is an excellent player whose signing was the most significant of the offseason. The Nets are and should be the favorites to win the Eastern Conference title, but after two straight Finals appearances, you can forgive them if they place a little less weight on the regular season. I think that should be enough for the hungrier Pistons to finish with the best regular season record for the second year in a row.

1) Detroit Pistons -
In 2002, the Pistons finished with the best record in the East and advanced to the conference finals with talent that would rate in the middle of the pack...at best. Their leading scorer has Kevin's body build. Their lone All-Star couldn't score if he was Kobe Bryant at a junior prom. And despite achieving so much with so little, they still fired their head coach during the offseason. You must be one Grade A prick if you can't keep your job after that kind of success. With Larry Brown, the Pistons should only be better this season. From all accounts, Darko Milicic will be a star. Their only significant loss is Jon Barry. That should be enough to tell you that the Pistons will remain successful in 2003-2004.
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