This is the first column I have ever written during the month of August. Who knows, this could be the last column I ever write. I vaguely remember promising to turn over my column to Hari in my drunken haze. Now on to what you really want to talk about...last Saturday's party. I planned/hoped to do what of my world renowned minute-by-minute logs, but the combination of Miller Lite, tequila, punch, wine, and more than my share of Rumplemintz put and end to that idea. So with a little help of piecing the night together from others, here are the top twenty-one (mentionable) most memorable events of last weekend.
21) The pot guy - I was talking to Liz in the kitchen when some guy walked up to her and asked her if she smoked. She replied, "Sometimes". He said, we'll be in the back, if you want to join us. I don't think she had ever spoken to him before. I love randomness.
20) Talking to Dean - What is memorable about this, is my complete lack of recollection that this occurred. Caroline claims that we talked to her friend Dean at 3:30 AM on Sunday morning. I am inclined to believe her, because this is something that Drunk Glenn is prone to do...beg my friends to let me talk on their cell phones to people I don't know. Trust me, it is a great way to make a first impression.
19) Oscar's email - Verbatim: Hey Glenn. I'm Rob's buddy from work. Will attend with hot blonde and a bottle of rum...How can you not like this guy?
18) Jeff's blast - I was heckling Jeff while he was playing beer pong in the backyard. Jeff couldn't let something like that go...he
7-29-03 - More Random Thoughts
7-27-03 - Hypocrisy and the Dying Truck
7-24-03 - Party Invite
7-22-03 - Summer Sports
7-15-03 - One Long Weekend
6-28-03 - More Thoughts
6-27-03 - NBA Draft
5-20-03 - Thoughts
5-14-03 - Blake, On Googling Oneself
5-8-03 - Fidelity Optional
Archives
1) "I'll Be Your Lover" - Van Morrison
2) "The Other Shoe" - Old 97's
3) "Ideoteque"- Radiohead
4) "Amy" - Ryan Adams
5) "Ass-Knockin'" - Bob Schneider
6) "Black Math" - The White Stripes
7) "Miles Away" - Yeah Yeah Yeahs
8) "The Fake Headlines'" - New Pornographers
9) "Rumble in the Jungle" - Tribe Called Quest, The Fugees, Busta Rhymes, & Forte
10) "Singular Girl"- Old 97's
17) I fell in love - You: petite strawberry-blonde in the mini skirt in the corner. Me: burly, harry fellow in the blue polyester shirt who was staggeringly drunk. If you felt the connection as strongly as I did, email me and let me know the name of my goddess. Ok, so that isn't entirely accurate. But I have been reading so much about the Randy Wolf story, and I just saw the Lance Bass vehicle On the Line, and those love at first sight stories just hit so darn near to my heart. I want it to happen to me sooooo badly...I know you are out there somewhere, snookums.
16) The morning after - I stumble out of my room Sunday morning...I look to my left and see Rob and Kevin in bed together...I look to my right and see Susan lying in a bed covered in someone else's vomit (It was on the other side, she protested)...I look straight ahead and see Jeff up early, doing work on his computer. The first two sights were believable, but the third convinces me that I'm still drunk, so I head back to bed.
15) BP girl-on-girl action - At some point in the night, I was sitting by a couple of girls on the couch when they started making out for the camera. I wasn't phased by this...it didn't even strike me as the slightest bit unusual. From what I hear, though, Rob's co-workers were enthralled. One asked: " Experimentation or a lifestyle?" Rob's response: "At what point does experimentation stop being experimentation?
14) In the bathroom - Most of the night, I used the bathroom in Rob's room because it was less likely to be occupied. One time, while I was in the bathroom, two people must have entered into Rob's room sometime after me. I heard them talking, and I am positive I heard my name. I walked out to find Michelle and Lindsay, both looking slightly embarrassed. I am not sure what they said, but I like to imagine that it was something like "When we move in together next week, we are going to invite Glenn over for lots of hot three-way action!" I'm sure it was something like that.
13) Keg Man - Rob helped the guy at Mac's load the kegs back into the truck on Tuesday. After they finished, he asked Rob, "Do you go to church?" In the future, bring me my alcohol and I'll worry about my soul.
12) Big Game Rob - No, I'm not talking about my roommate Rob who is so omnipresent in my column. I'm talking about, Rob, Liz's brother, incoming freshman extraordinaire. As the only known minor at our party, he acquitted himself quite well. He drank like a lush, he tried to get play from the same girls we do, and he ended the night curled up in the fetal position underneath the papasan chair. A definite contender for Party MVP. Rob, you are welcome back any time.
11) Our wall art - So what was the best piece...the Wild On logo Rob printed out at great cost to BP? The naked female sillouhettes that Caroline painted? The quote board which included "I like to suck big cocks" - Glenn, next to a drawing of a penis (Chien, revenge is a dish best served cold). For my money, it has to be the butt and breast paintings that Jeff, Susan, Rob, Caroline, Kevin and Michelle did Friday. Through various amount of convincing (Rob-an hour of shit, Kevin and Susan- about 3 seconds) each left their mark on my new place. Ahh, good stuff.
10) The hospital - Rob spent a good portion of Sunday in the emergence room of Memorial Hermann Hospital. I could add details, but I think it sounds better this way.
9) Saturday morning - Saturday, Jeff made sure that everyone woke up at 7:30, when he had to work. Well, work in the absolute loosest sense of the word. Instead, all of the guys sat around in the living room and played a rousing game of poker, most of the girls went shoe shopping, and Caroline, the smart one, went back to sleep in my bed. (That was a carefully chosen set of words...it makes me sound as if I have miles more game than I actually do).
8) More hooking up in Rob's bed - Is this a family epidemic? And why Rob's bed? This stuff always happens to him. I understand why not Jeff's (more on that later), but my room was a little more discreet (not that I should be encouraging this). And, also, the person who has hooked up the greatest number of times in my house is not one of its residents. God, that is sad.
7) Our fame is spreading - I invited my friend Clint from my Rockets job to the party, but neglected to invite anyone else from the radio station or the Rockets (though one of the dj's did show up. He is a celebrity in my world, but to everyone else he was just the guy in the Astros jersey who brought the Rumplemintz.) Anyways, the play-by-play guy and the studio host got wind of the party, and were quite upset about not being invited. On air, the studio host complained how he was blackballed from his " intern's kicking bash" and the play-by-play guy was repeatedly indignant that he wasn't invited. Don't worry, next time they will be. As Clint says, "I think he has some 'Frank the tank' in him."
6) Fuck You, Kevin - Kevin, how dare you rank me as number three on your list of potential brother-in law candidates? I thought I was your best friend? Ranking me behind Alex, is fine, it is completely understandable. He is a good-lucking, funny guy and undersized nieces and nephews are a small price to pay. But, behind Jeff. Jeff is my boy and all, but do you really want him to marry your sister. I mean, I least took her out on dates. What about the swapping deal we worked out on the way back from New Orleans? This must be about that stuff sophomore year. I thought that was water under the bridge...bastard.
5) Who's that girl? - Undoubtedly the most asked question of the party. Rob and I compared notes the next day, and realized that we each must have been asked at least 5 times who Caroline was. Well, without further ado, she is a twenty-four year old marketing executive who graduated from the University of North Texas in Denton, TX. She was crowned Miss Irish Rose in 1998 and is a talented artist who painted the naked women that were on our wall for the party. She currently resides in Dallas, Texas.
4) The orgy - I know, I know. This looks like it is going to be one of those teasers where I write a provocative title, but then nothing actually occurs. Well...your right. But, that wasn't because of lack of effort. Certain unnamed party guests did try to actively recruit for said event and at different points in the night, there were numerous people on both Rob's bed and my bed. Honestly, it is just a matter of time before this happens with this group of friends anyways. I should start a pool now for the date.
3) Party boy - On Friday night, Jeff bought a pair of tearaway pants. On Saturday morning, Jennifer, Michelle, and Susan bought him a ttuxedo hong to go with it. Saturday evening Susan helped give Jeff a shave so that he was prepared for the big event. Saturday night Jeff proved that he, like Chris Pontius, likes to party. And I haven't been able to shake that horrifying image of a thonged Jeff doing a keg stand since.
2) Hari - Hari suffers from the worst case of Murphy's law that I have ever seen. Hari is the type of guy who gets his car towed the first night that you go out with him. Hari is the type of guy who hooks up with your not so cute out of town friend, only to have her fall madly in love with him and threaten to move down to Houston to marry you. Hari is the type of guy to work three jobs, but only get paid for one of them. Saturday, though, Hari was on fire. Hari was the type of guy who walks into the party, and his first words to the five girls there are, "I guess I am not dressed slutty enough for this room." Hari is the type of guy to pay Susan to make out with Michelle, an activity that she'd likely partake in for free. Hari is the type of guy who brings the secretary from work to the party, only to find out that she cannot hold her alcohol. In the bathroom, 3 times. On Jeff's bed, twice. And then Hari is the type of guy to help sober her up, console her, and fall asleep next to her in the puke-stained bed. And Sunday morning, Hari is the type of guy to find out that she has a boyfriend. And Hari is the type of guy who didn't go home and slit his wrists.
1) Setting Up - Here is the predictable point in the column where Glenn turns sappy. Jesus, did I just refer to myself in the third-person. Who am I, Rickey Henderson? Seriously, though, the most enjoyable and memorable part of this past weekend for me was all of the help that our friends provided. Whenever we come out of a weekend like this past one, I always feel closer to all of you. So thank you, Blake, Caroline, Jeff, Jennifer, Jeremy, Kevin, Michelle, Rob, and Susan. Each of you means a lot to me. And join me now in the singing of Kumbaya.
