"I would have bet heavy on Nick as the first to go." I wrote those words in my June 28th column, in relation to Chris's recent engagement. The events of the following day gave those words a tragic, unintended weight. I'm not a very spiritual person, but that is a little creepy to me. One other odd coincidence...Nick was captain of our Hoop-it-Up team this May. He canged our name from our old standby, Victory By Forfeit, to The Last Hurrah, even though there was no reason to think that that would have been the last tournament we would ever play together. I don't pretend to know if this means anything, but it is enough to give me chills.
Two weeks ago, I went to Nick's funeral in Cincinnati, this past weekend we had Nick's memorial service in Houston. At the reception after each, somebody invariably mentions that this provided them some closure. I'm glad that it works that way for some, but I can't say that I feel the same way. I have not experienced closure, nor do I expect or desire to. But now is the time to try to return to each of our lives. And for me, that means writing columns.
This past weekend was quite eventful for me. I moved into a new house with Rob and Jeff, I attended Nick's memorial service, and we combined the two events by hosting a post-reception gathering at our new place on Saturday night. It may seem like an odd time for a party, but if you have ever seen The Big Chill, you may understand. After two weeks of constant sadness and tension, it was great to release it by telling a few stories, laughing at a few jokes, and renewing old acquaintances. Unfortunately, this was our own Big Chill scenario, so we just dealt with it the best we could. Through it all, I learned a few things about myself and others. So here is a list of twenty things that I learned this weekend:
1) Sometimes the greatest strength occurs in the face of the
6-28-03 - More Thoughts
6-27-03 - NBA Draft
5-20-03 - Thoughts
5-14-03 - Blake, On Googling Oneself
5-8-03 - Fidelity Optional
5-5-03 - Anniversary Thoughts
5-4-03 - Susan's Column
4-29-03 - Movie Reviews
4-26-03 - Blake's Column
Archives
1) "I Hope I Just Didn't Give Away the Ending" - New Radicals
2) "Bohemian Like You" - Dandy Warhols
3) "Get in or Get Out"- Hot Hot Heat
4) "Hopeless Case of a Kid in Denial" - Hellacopters
5) "You and I Both" - Jason Mraz
6) "You Turn Me On" - Ugly Americans
7) "Thirsty" - The Roots
8) "The Slow Descent'" - New Pornographers
9) "Hoochie Mama" - The Datsuns
10) "Got to Get You Off of My Mind"- Solomon Burke
2) Jeff uses Finesse shampoo by Helene Curtis. You guys are going to hate living with me.
3) Our neighbors probably have an inflated sense of our prowess. They know 3 of us live here, but 6 cars were parked outside overnight. If only things went as well as outside appearances would have indicated.
4) Jeff and Chris delivered the two funniest, most innappropriate lines of the weekend. Both were completely sober at the time. And neither is reprintable here out of respect for their victims.
5) There is an easy way to get me to like you. Compliment my writing. If you tell me I'm good, I'll be your friend for life and defend your name whenever anyone speaks ill of you. Does that mean I'm conceited? Or does that mean that I lack self-esteem and need constant reassurance? You decide.
6) Karma exists. I pretended to get very angry at Jill and Hari when they spilled some beer early in the evening. This was only a few hours prior to me dropping and breaking a full beer on my kitchen floor. I'm still stepping on glass shards three days later.
7) I know longer need to fear Jeanne-Marie. She discovered that I still have the couch she lent me four years ago. And she didn't care. Moral - There is a statute of limitation on screwing over a friend.
8) Nick was always true to himself. We all knew different sides of Nick. The many Nick stories that have been told over over the past couple weeks have from so many viewpoints: that of the parent, the college friend, the high school friend, the roommate, the girlfriend, the co-worker, the bible study student. With all of these disparate viewpoints from people who knew him at different points in his life, it is amazing to me that I have yet to hear a story that made me think, "That doesn't sound like Nick." If my friends from different points and places in my life got together to tell stories about me, you wouldn't even think they were talking about the same person.
9) I learned how to barbecue. I didn't know how before this weekend. Now I do. Seems important.
10) My dad loves me. I don't want to make myself too much of cliche, but my dad and I have had our occasional issues. That said, it really meant a lot to me that he came to the memorial service last Saturday. He'd met Nick and his parents before, but I know he proimarily came out to support me. That means something.
11) Question revisited: Is alcohol a truth serum? I have argued on both sides of this issue in past columns. I have come to one definitive conclusion: it does for me. It was at least partially responsible for me completely letting down my guard and finally truly talking and crying about Nick's death. I can hope for that next time I reach that level of honesty, I avoid the massive next week hangover.
12) I like people. Even people who I wasn't previously that fond of. I have decided that the better I get to know someone, the more I like them. This revelation actually came from the previous weekend, but it is my column and I can change the rules in the middle if I want to. For example, my next point has nothing to do with the column's theme.
13) Check out Travis's cover of the Britney Spears hit Hit Me Baby One More Time. It is both funny and strangely spellbinding.
14) Girls have incredible power over boys. This statement falls under the category heading of, "Duh!" But my incredible observational powers combined with my overactive imagination has led me to a renewed convistion of the veracity of the statement. And this comes from more than just when Amy strictly reprimanded a misbehaving Chris in my laundry room.
15) We're getting older. This decision comes not from the gravity of the past few weeks, but from a simple, non-ironic conversation that I saw two friends have about the relative merits of two competing brands of nose hair trimmers.
16) Sometimes, late night cell phone calls are a bad idea. Jeff left Michelle a voicemail by putting his phone down his pants and saying that his penis says hello. Since then, his phone hasn't been able to recharge properly. He claims that is just like girls who have been there before...they are left exhausted and unable to function properly for days.
17) Be careful in my new bedroom. I like to leave my blinds open in my room because it gives a lot of natural light. I need to remember that when I change in the morning, since it overlooks my elderly neighbors lawn. Don't want to give her a coronary.
18) Kevin was right. Nothing will ever be the same since our tubing trip in June. That was the last weekend I saw Nick, the weekend Chris got engaged, the weekend Sarah moved away.
19) Life does go on. As the days go on, my thoughts spent less time on Nick each day. Although his death never entirely leaves my mind, there is more laughter, there is more time spent worrying about the trivial. I doubt it will ever leave any of us, but to function, we somehow must make our peace and move forward.
20) The past couple of weeks have shown me the true value of friendship. I have become so much closer with all of my friends. I can't put into words how much I value. But thank you all, for being there for me, and I will try to be there for each of you whenever you need me in the future.