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OPERATORS ARE STANDING BY
(The scene opens up with a disclaimer that reads: The following program is a paid advertisement. The views expressed in the following do not necessarily reflect those of this station. It then continues on with some cheezy music and a graphic featuring Scott "The Boy" Hellings comes on the screen. Then, The Boy himself enters the shot. He enters from the right-hand side of the set, which consists of a mockup of a kitchen.)
HELLINGS-
"Hi everyone!"
(The camera cuts to show a studio audience, who replies to The Boy)
AUDIENCE-
"Hi Scott!"
(The camera cuts back to The Boy)
HELLINGS-
"I'm so glad everyone here and all the people watching home has joined me today. I have exciting news for each and every one of you too. Today is your lucky day! Because I have a new product that will change your lives. This amazing new product is something so special, we can't sell it in retail stores. Instead, we're forced to peddle this stuff on late night television. Doesn't that sound exciting?"
(The camera cuts to the audience again, who replies in unison)
AUDIENCE-
"That's exciting!"
HELLINGS-
"Of course. Now let me introduce someone to you. She's a good friend and a fellow coworker. Please say hello to Pamela Paulshock!"
(RWW reporter Pamela Paulshock is seen entering the kitchen set from the side of the studio. She is wearing a skimpy, black bikini and looks quite uncomfortable)
PAULSHOCK-(Turns to The Boy and whispers to him)
"Scott, do I really have to do this? And is this bikini necessary?"
HELLINGS-
"Of course it is. Sex sells. Now shut up and look pretty!"
PAULSHOCK-
"How did you even manage to get this TV time?"
HELLINGS-
"I had a contract."
PAULSHOCK-
"Where do you keep getting those?"
HELLINGS-
"I would tell you, but then I would have to kill you."
PAULSHOCK-
"At least I wouldn't have to deal with you anymore."
HELLINGS-
"Shut up!"
PAULSHOCK-
"Where did you find this audience?"
HELLINGS-
"Would you believe they are some of my legions of fans, The Boy Scouts?"
PAULSHOCK-
"No."
HELLINGS-(Ignoring the comment)
"Now then, Pamela, tell the folks what we're selling today."
PAULSHOCK-
"I actually don't know. I was just told to wear this awful bikini and walk on the set."
HELLINGS-(Looking intently into the camera)
"You see that? This product is so amazing, I can even tell my assistant Pamela about it! So what is it? Why, it's this!"
(The Boy pulls out a bottle from behind the counter, with a sticker depicting his face. Pamela Paulshock looks confused)
PAULSHOCK-
"What the hell is that?"
HELLINGS-
"That's the brilliant part. This is a bottle of the same water that I drink before every single one of my matches. It just isn't any type of water though. No, I have a secret combination of select vitamins and minerals that I have added to the water. This additives give me the extra boost I need to be a success in the ring. And now, I'm making it available to all of you."
(The camera cuts back to the audience)
AUDIENCE-
"That's exciting!"
(The camera cuts back to The Boy and a cold and embarrassed-looking Pamela Paulshock)
PAULSHOCK-
"You can't be serious!"
HELLINGS-
"Of course I am! Would I lie to you?"
PAULSHOCK-
"Yes."
HELLINGS-
"You're right, I probably would. But first off, let's hear more about the power of this water from one of our many testimonials."
(The screen cuts to a pre-taped shot of a man sitting in his living room. The man vaguely looks like Simon Phoenix and a graphic tells us that his name is Steve Tucson from East Rutherford, New Jersey)
STEVE TUCSON-
"I used to be a pro wrestler. I found my stamina wasn't where it needed to be. I would get in the ring and only a few minutes later I would be out of breath. But this water changed all that. Now, I can wrestle for hours! Thanks to this amazing new product, I'm the greatest wrestler today! Well...second best. We all know that Scott Hellings is truly the best."
(Steve Tucson gives a thumbs up and then is handed a stack of money as the camera cuts back to Pamela Paulshock and The Boy)
PAULSHOCK-
"I'm confused. Why are you doing this exactly?"
HELLINGS-
"I thought you would never ask. You see, I have a match with Simon Phoenix this Friday and I need to get in his head. I need to know what he's thinking before he does! I need to understand my opponent, so I get that extra boost to beat him. Normally, I would rely on my God-given talent, but as we all know, I'm not at a hundred percent yet."
PAULSHOCK-(sarcastic)
"I thought the water gave you the extra boost."
HELLINGS-
"Shut up! I hear Simon Phoenix talk all the time about his (making quotation marks with his fingers) 'franchise.' I decided I needed to figure out what that meant exactly, in order to understand him. Now I tried to do some research on this franchise of his, and I came up with nothing. I mean, it isn't listed on the NASDAQ, the Dow, the foreign markets, NOTHING!"
PAULSHOCK-
"I think there really isn't a franchise. I'm pretty sure it is more or less just a figure of speech or a nickname or something. I don't think you're supposed to take it literally."
HELLINGS-
"Oh, I get it. You mean like Stupac calling himself a hero?"
PAULSHOCK-(Ignoring that last comment)
"So how does this water of yours work?"
HELLINGS-
"Well you drink it, and it gives you a boost. All you people watching today could actually become as great as me, The Boy!"
PAULSHOCK-
"Really?"
HELLINGS-
"No of course not! No one can be as good as me! I know it, you know it, the whole damn world knows it! But I suppose it has other benefits."
PAULSHOCK-
"Such as?"
HELLINGS-
"Well, I suppose if you drink it, it might help you get rid of jet lag quicker. Which I think is something my opponent this Friday Simon Phoenix might want to look into. I finally figured him out. At first, he pretends not to know me. Now, he is beginning to remember who I am. You know what I think happened? I think his whole system is still screwed up from all the travelling we did on that Australian trip. So you see, the jet lag is still affecting him and he's a few weeks behind schedule, mentally. That explains why is only just remembering who I am."
PAULSHOCK-
"You need help."
HELLINGS-
"No, you're wrong. Simon Phoenix needs help. If he thinks he is gonna beat me this Friday, he is going to need all the help he can get. I understand everyone's favourite pressure washer has got himself a new manager. Congratulations Simon. But it is going to take a whole lot more that a new manager. So he can bring his new manager, his old manager, his friends, his family, his accountant, his old camp counsellor, and it's not gonna make a difference! "
PAULSHOCK-
"What about the water?"
HELLINGS-
"Well, to prove how great the water really is, I brought in a special guest."
PAULSHOCK-
"I have to admit, I'm afraid."
HELLINGS-
"Ladies and gentlemen, here to talk about the nutritional merits of my water is noneother than.....Richard Simmons!"
(Richard Simmons himself walks onto the set. He is wearing his trademark outfit, except his shirt is a cheap plug for The Boy's water. He hops around frantically, waving to the crowd)
RICHARD SIMMONS-
"Hi everybody!"
PAULSHOCK-
"Lemme guess, a contract, right?"
HELLINGS-
"You know me all too well. Now then Richard, glad to have you here."
RICHARD SIMMONS-
"Well I'm just so excited to be here! This is SO much fun!"
HELLINGS-
"Maybe for you."
RICHARD SIMMONS-
"Hi everybody! HI! Hi everybody! Isn't this water fantastic?"
(The camera cuts to show the audience again)
AUDIENCE-
"That's exciting!"
(The camera cuts back to The Boy, Pamela and Richard Simmons)
RICHARD SIMMONS-
"This water is SO wonderful, I personally endorse it! And if you want to be as buff as...."
HELLINGS-
"Excuse me, I prefer to consider myself as having a chiselled physique. The term buff is not really my style. Besides, I really don't want people confusing me for that Bagwell guy."
(The Boy shudders at the thought)
RICHARD SIMMONS-
"Oh, sorry."
(An awkward pause ensues)
HELLINGS-
"Okay...you've been looking at me FAR too long now! You're really starting to creep me out Richard!"
RICHARD SIMMONS-
"Sorry. What I was trying to say is if you want to look like The Boy, you should drink this water after each and every workout. And what better way to work out than with....(Richard pulls out a video from behind the desk) my very own Sweating to the Oldies!"
HELLINGS-
"What the heck are you doing?"
RICHARD SIMMONS-
"Oh, I was just giving myself a cheap little plug."
HELLINGS-
"This is not your airtime! It's mine! I'm the star of the show dammit!"
RICHARD SIMMONS-
"I know. I just figured that I was helping you out and I thought that...."
HELLINGS-(cutting Simmons off again)
"I'm not paying you to think!"
RICHARD SIMMONS-
"Actually, you're not paying me at all."
HELLINGS-
"Shut up! I'm the star!"
(The Boy decks Richard Simmons and then slams him into the fridge. He smashes a chair over the fitness guru's back and then delivers The Chokeslam to HELLings.)
PAULSHOCK-
"What have you done? Why did you do that?"
HELLINGS-
"The guy was trying to steal my spotlight! Just like Simon Phoenix robbed me of my revenge against Stupac at Blaze of Glory! He is the one who had no right being involved in that match! He is the one who doesn't deserve this number one contender's match!"
PAULSHOCK-
"So what about your infomercial here?"
HELLINGS-
"I'm not worried about it. Unlike Simon Phoenix, I've sold out so many arenas across the whole damn world, that I don't need the money! I'm just here to get some much deserved TV time! After I win the TV Title, I'm gonna be in high demand. I need to get used to all the exposure! Plus, it was an excuse to see you in a bikini. And you know what? This whole experience has made me decide that studying up on Simon Phoenix is just not worth my time! He is a loser and he always will be! I will prove that to the world this Friday! This Friday is the true start to my comeback and no one can stop me. Not Simon Phoenix, not anyone. Not only am I The Canadian Legend and the One and Only UBERstar, but I have a goal: I want to destroy Stupac. He tried to destroy my career and I'm gonna make him pay. He didn't just hold me back, he held a lot of guys back. Now I'm here to collect. So he had better take some pictures of that precious title of his, cause he won't have it for much longer. And Simon Phoenix? He can pretend not to me all he wants. But soon, oh so very soon, I will make him remember me. 'Cause I will be the one to destroy him! I'm gonna beat him so badly that he won't ever want to show his face in this company ever again! So, Simon, bring your new manager. Do whatever you need to. But it won't matter, because I am The Boy and that means I am The Best!"
(The Boy storms off, leaving Richard Simmons and Pamela Paulshock behind, as the scene fades to black)
  
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