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lost: THE BOY'S CHRISTMAS SPECIAL

(The scene opens up with the words "The Boy's Christmas Special" displayed on the screen. "Hark the Herald Angels Sing" can be softly heard in the background. We see Scott "The Boy" Hellings standing in the middle of a field, which is obviously actually a set in a studio somewhere, making a snowman with several children, as fake snow falls from the sky. Hellings, dressed in a black WPW coat, a toque with the words "The Boy" written on them, and a maple leaf scarf, stops making the snowman to turn and face the camera, which he greets with a fake, cheezy smile.)

HELLINGS-
"Hi everyone! And welcome to my First Annual Christmas Special, right here on WPW television. Christmas is a special time of year when you actually pretend to like people you won't actually talk to at any other point in the year. It's a time for giving, for being with loved ones, and, most importantly for tonight, having fun. And what could be more fun than spending time with me, The Boy?"

(One of the children, obviously being held there against his own will, stops working on the snowmen to reply sarcastically)

KID-
"Getting a root canal, for a start."

HELLINGS-
"Hey! Shut up kid! You're not here to talk, you're here to look cute and build me a snowman!"

KID-
"Build your own stupid snowman!"

HELLINGS-
"I'm too important for that!"

KID-
"I hate you! You suck!"

(The Boy bends over, picks up a large snowball and whips it as hard as he can at the boy, who is knocked over.)

HELLINGS-
"We've got a lot planned for tonight's special, so please stay with us. I know that seems undesirable; many of you at home are worried The Board of Directors are going to cut away to a typical boring WPW match at some point tonight. Well have no fear, you won't be watching any of the normal bathroom break style of matches here tonight. My fans, The Boy Scouts, are finally getting what they want-all me, all the time. It's gonna be great. Hey, would I lie to you folks?"

(The cameraman shakes the camera up and down, to indicate his response in the affirmative)

HELLINGS-
"Hey! You want some of what that kid got? I can buy and sell you pal! Anyway, we've got a number of guests and a lot of activities planned for tonight. And, of course, a big old helping of Christmas cheer. What the....? Who's writing this crap? (Making quotation marks with his fingers) 'Christmas cheer?' I think I'm gonna puke!"

(The Boy walks off camera and picks up the cue cards and rips them in half. Just then, a voice is heard coming from behind The Boy. Hellings spins to see none other than Britney Spears emerging from "the forest," to stand beside him.)

BRITNEY SPEARS-
"Hi Steve!"

HELLINGS-
"Uh, it's Scott."

BRITNEY SPEARS-
"Why are you ripping up your cue cards?"

HELLINGS-
"Because unlike you, I would rather write my own material."

BRITNEY SPEARS-(Ignores that comment)
"You know, I'm so glad to be here! Thanks for inviting me to be a part of this!"

HELLINGS-(sarcastically)
"Yeah, my pleasure."

BRITNEY SPEARS-
"You know, when I was a little girl I used to love Christmas. I remember my mom used to...."

HELLINGS-
"Oh shut up! No one wants to hear about you as a kid, or how much you love your mother! Do you really think that's an original concept? Loving your mother? You know, the only person who talks about their mother more is Eminem! And that guy's mentally disturbed! Honestly, the way you go on and on about her, you'd think she was a Nobel Prize winner or something! You know, 2003 years ago Jesus' mother gave birth to him. Do you hear him wondering around telling everyone about his mother? (in a funny voice) 'Hello Jesus.' (changing his voice again) 'Oh hello Judas. Have I ever told you about my mother?' Immaculate conception, THAT'S something to brag about! What the hell has your mother ever done?"

BRITNEY SPEARS-
"She inspired me to become a singer."

HELLINGS-(sarcastic)
"Oh yeah, and the world thanks her for it."

BRITNEY SPEARS-(ignoring him again)
"Well, you know, I truly love Christmas. There's just something about this time of year, that makes me feel like singing."

HELLINGS-
"A remarkable occurrence indeed."

(Britney Spears then proceeds to sing a rendition of "Walking in a Winter Wonderland" Upon her completion, The Boy wanders over to her.)

HELLINGS-
"Well! That was easily the best song I've heard in the last two minutes!"

BRITNEY SPEARS-
"Aw, thanks."

HELLINGS-
"Yeah, well, I'm contractually obligated to plug your new cd now, In the Zone, in stores everywhere."

BRITNEY SPEARS-
"I'm really proud of it."

HELLINGS-
"And why not? It's such a diverse album! Very unique sound too."

BRITNEY SPEARS-(missing the sarcasm)
"I know. I'm especially proud of the first single, Me Against the Music, which I did with Madonna. It was such an honour to work with a legend like her."

HELLINGS-
"And what better way to thank her than by Frenching her on national television, huh?"

BRITNEY SPEARS-
"You know, I don't understand why everyone made such a big deal of that."

HELLINGS-
"Well, it's rather like a celebrity wedding Britney. Take two celebrities nobody cares about anymore, like second-rate boyband member Nick Lachey and Jessica Simpson, put them together and suddenly you got a reality TV show! But, eventually, people remember why they started to hate them in the first place and they fade into obscurity once again. And judging from sales of your album, I'd say that's the pattern we're seeing here."

BRITNEY SPEARS-
"What do you mean?"

HELLINGS-(stonefaced)
"The clock struck fifteen, time for a career change."

BRITNEY SPEARS-
"You know, I'm detecting some sarcasm here."

HELLINGS-
"Well I'd hope so, I'm laying it on pretty thick."

BRITNEY SPEARS-
"You know, you're not so special either pal! I mean, didn't you only ever have like a few matches here in WPW before going away?"

HELLINGS-
"Yes, that's right! What a segueway, thank you! Yes, that is true. In fact, I went away so I can write my new book, 'I Know it, You Know it, Now the Whole Damn World Knows It!' It's the perfect holiday gift item."

(The Boy smiles at the camera like a used car salesman as he holds up a copy of the book)

BRITNEY SPEARS-
"Who's gonna read that? You're not a star!"

HELLINGS-
"You're right, I'm not. That's exactly the point! I'm not a superstar, I'm not an ultra-star. I am the one, the only UBERstar!"

BRITNEY SPEARS-
"You're insane."

HELLINGS-
"Yeah? And you're good for only thing."
(She slaps him)

HELLINGS-
"So.....want me to show some uh, wrestling holds later?"

(She slaps him again and storms off the set.)

HELLINGS-
"What? I just wanted her to use her talents! I wanted to show her the true meaning of 'stocking stuffer!' Is that so wrong?"

(The young boy from before enters the shot and laughs at The Boy. Hellings picks him up and tosses him into a snowbank. The scene heads to commercial. The show commences after the break with The Boy now decorating a Christmas tree, with some help from the kids from before. A Canadian mountie is seen standing in the background. A log fire is burning in the background, with stockings for Scott and Britney hanging over it. The snowman that was built can clearly be seen through the window. Several other people are sitting around on some couches, sipping eggnog and hot chocolate. At the foot of the tree are several copies of The Boy's book, along with other prop gifts.)

HELLINGS-
"Welcome back. We're just decorating the tree here. You know, this is a pretty big tree though. I think we're gonna need some help. Good thing my good buddy Matt LeBlanc, star of NBC's 'Friends,' and soon to be the star of his own spinoff is here to help out!"

(Matt LeBlanc enters the shot, wearing a Scott Hellings shirt.)

HELLINGS-
"Hey Matt!"

MATT LEBLANC-
"Hey Scotty! Good to see you man."

HELLINGS-
"Of course it is!"

MATT LEBLANC-
"You know I couldn't help but noticing you have a Canadian Mountie standing there in the background."

HELLINGS-
"Oh yeah, that's Mountie Bob. He stands on guard for me. The Canadian government, knowing what a true UBERstar I am, decided they would lend their number man, Bob, to protect me."

MATT LEBLANC-
"A professional wrestler needs protection?"

HELLINGS-
"What? Of course not! No, it's more crowd control than anything. The ladies, they love me, but I can't deal with thousands of gorgeous babes throwing themselves at me constantly. That's where Bob comes in. I mean, did you see the way Britney Spears was throwing herself at me earlier?"

MATT LEBLANC-(sarcastic)
"No I musta missed that one. I'll look for it on the deleted scenes of the DVD release."

HELLINGS-
"Of course, the Canadian government just wants to make sure I'm okay. After all, I'm practically a national treasure. Hell, I'm one of The Seven Wonders of Canada."

MATT LEBLANC-
"Canada has Seven Natural Wonders? What are the other six?"

HELLINGS-
"I'd tell you but I'd have to kill you."

MATT LEBLANC-
"Aw come on! Just one!"

HELLINGS-
"Alright, fine! (whispering) Number five is poutine, but don't be surprised if some guys come after you now."

MATT LEBLANC-
"Uh, okay."

HELLINGS-
"So Matt, how would you like to help us decorate the tree?"

MATT LEBLANC-
"I'd love to! When I was a kid...."

HELLINGS-(annoyed)
"Oh for...why does everyone insist on telling me about Christmas as a kid?! No one cares!"

MATT LEBLANC-
"Whoa! About a nine on the tension scale there buddy! Better switch to decaf."

HELLINGS-
"Here's the decorations Matt."

(The Boy hands LeBlanc a box of decorations. Matt holds several of them up. They are all decorations of The Boy, in various poses)

MATT LEBLANC-
"You're a narcissist, you know that, right?"

HELLINGS-
"No, I'm The Boy! You're thinking of Lex Luger!"

MATT LEBLANC-
"I need a new agent."

HELLINGS-
"Shut up and start decorating. Now, there's just one more problem we have her folks. The tree is too tall, there's no way we'll be able to get the star up there. If only there was someone who could lend a hand."

(Houston Rockets star, the unbelievably tall Yao Ming walks in)

YAO MING-
"Can I help?"

HELLINGS-
"You sure can! How fortuitous you just happened to be walking along outside our cottage. Are you stalking me?"

YAO MING-(laughs)
"Uh, I don't think so. I think you're safe."

HELLINGS-
"Well if your team mate Kobe Bryant was here, we'd be in trouble. (Motions to the children) He might decide he can't control himself around the kids."

YAO MING-
"You're thinking of Michael Jackson. And I'm not Kobe's team mate, Shaq is."

HELLINGS-
"What's that?"

YAO MING-
"Shaq!"

HELLINGS-
"Oh yeah, I love that movie! I thought Mike Myers was great in that one! I even liked Eddie Murphy as the donkey."

YAO MING-
"No, Shaquille O'Neal!"

HELLINGS-
"Uh, no, I'm pretty sure it was Mike Myers."

YAO MING-
"You know you're an idiot."

HELLINGS-
"Excuse me? What was that beanpole? You think you can just come on my show and insult me?"

YAO MING-
"You insult everyone else!"

HELLINGS-
"I'm allowed to, my name's on the marquee pal."

YAO MING-
"You're a jackass! You know what? I don't need this! I'm out of here!"

HELLINGS-
"Fine! Me and Matthew Perry will be fine on our own!"

MATT LEBLANC-
"Uh, it's Matt LeBlanc."

HELLINGS-
"Whatever! They didn't send me Jennifer Anniston so I really don't care!"

YAO MING-
"See what I mean? I'm taking off!"

HELLINGS-
"Oh no you're not! You wanna fight big man?"

YAO MING-
"Yeah, maybe I do!"

HELLINGS-
"You don't know what you're in for pal!"

YAO MING-
"You don't scare me, you're not even a real athlete!"

HELLINGS-
"Take that back!"

YAO MING-
"Make me."

(The Boy grabs a folding chair and stands on it, so that he can be eye to eye with Ming. He decks Ming with a shot and then grabs his throat, looking for the Chokeslam to HELLings, but he can't lift up the large frame of the basketball star. Ming just smiles, and The Boy rethinks his strategy and instead knees Ming in the groin. Ming doubles over in pain. The Boy gets off the chair, picks it up and nail Ming with it across the back, and again off the head, knocking him out. Several workers rush over to help him out.)

HELLINGS-
"We'll be right back after these messages."

(The scene fades out and heads to commercial. When we return, Yao Ming is gone, but Matt LeBlanc has stayed behind to continue to decorate the Christmas tree.)

HELLINGS-
"We're back. Yao had to leave suddenly, he had a headache. Don't worry though, Matt stayed behind."

MATT LEBLANC-
"So Scott I was wondering...you're Canadian."

HELLINGS-
"I'm not just Canadian, I'm a legend! Heck, I'm THE Canadian Legend!"

MATT LEBLANC-
"Uh, yeah, right. Anyway, I was wondering if there is any sort of Christmas traditions that are specific to Canada."

HELLINGS-
"Well there is one I enjoy."

MATT LEBLANC-
"What's that?"

HELLINGS-
"The smacking of the ignorant American."

MATT LEBLANC-
"Huh?"

(The Boy smacks him upside the head.)

HELLINGS-
"Exactly! Thanks!"

(Mountie Bob is shown standing in the corner, chuckling)

MOUNTIE BOB-
"Good one, sir."

HELLINGS-
"Thanks Bob."

(Just then they are interrupted be a new visitor. None other than Matt Damon)

MATT DAMON-
"Hi guys, Merry Christmas!"

HELLINGS-
"Hey everyone, it's Matt Damon! Star of the new film, Stuck on You! Thanks for stopping by Matt!"

MATT DAMON-
"No problem Scott! I just thought I'd come by to cook you all Christmas dinner!"

HELLINGS-
"Well thanks Matt!"

MATT DAMON-
"Hey, thanks for the movie plug."

HELLINGS-
"No problem. Be honest with me though, does it suck?"

MATT DAMON-
"What? Of course not! It's a movie about me and my brother being stuck together as Siamese twins."

HELLINGS-
"Wow, fitting, since you and Ben Affleck used to be joined at the hip. Too bad he moved on with his life, huh?"

MATT LEBLANC-
"Yeah that was sad. You too were so cute together."

HELLINGS-
"Are you done decorating that tree yet?"

MATT LEBLANC-
"No."

(The Boy points to the box of bulbs LeBlanc is holding)

HELLINGS-
"Oh hey, what's wrong with that one?"

MATT LEBLANC-
"Huh?"

(The Boy smacks him upside the head again.)

MATT LEBLANC-
"Hey that one hurt!"

HELLINGS-
"Well anyway, Matt, I hope the movie doesn't suck. You'd hate to have yourself visited by the Ghosts of Bad Movies Past, Present and Future this Christmas."

MATT DAMON-
"What do you mean?"

HELLINGS-
"Please! The Talented Mr. Ripley? That was awful! And you do realize 'Ocean's Twelve' will suck too, right?"

MATT DAMON-
"You know if you're not nice to me buddy, I won't make you turkey."

(It is then that The Boy notices one of the extras, swooning over Matt Damon. The Boy obviously takes offense to this)

HELLINGS-
"Yeah, well get to work then! Go cook! Besides, this is my show, not yours! I'm the one who should be in the spotlight!"

MATT DAMON-
"Have it your way."

(Damon walks off, the woman following his every move.)

WOMAN-
"He's so dreamy!"

HELLINGS-
"What the hell? You're not supposed to talk! You're an extra! You're were told quite clearly what to do before you got here! You were told to dress up like a cheap extra from a Gap commercial, sit around, drink hot chocolate and before you left to make sure you returned your shoes to the shoe bin. I don't recall anyone saying anything about talking!"

WOMAN-
"I'm sorry, he's just so cute!"

HELLINGS-(Leaning into her)
"Yeah? Well you know, some people think Matt Damon and I look a lot alike."

(LeBlanc laughs out loud. The Boy wanders over to him and smacks him upside the head again)

HELLINGS-
"Maybe after the show you and I could get together. You know, I'll let you see my jingle bells if you let me deck your halls!"

WOMAN-
"Creep!"

MATT LEBLANC-
"Oh! Burn!"

(The Boy spins to look at LeBlanc, threatening to hit him again. LeBlanc flinches. The Boy returns his attention to the woman)

HELLINGS-
"I'm sorry, you were right. That was rather crass of me. Maybe later....."

(He is cut off by the same kid from before, tugging at his pant leg)

KID-
"When do we get to open the presents?"

HELLINGS-(Not taking his eyes off the woman)
"You won't get to at all if you don't leave me the hell alone."

KID-
"You swore!"

HELLINGS-
"Shut up and sit down!"

KID-
"You're gonna be on the naughty list!"

HELLINGS-
"There is no Santa Claus you idiot!"

(The kid starts to cry)

MATT LEBLANC-
"Well that's full of Christmas spirit!"

HELLINGS-
"Shut up LeBlanc! Don't make me come over there! Kid, stop crying, go sit over there and be quiet! LeBlanc, grab that tinsel and keep decorating!"

HELLINGS-(His attention back on the woman)
"Anyways, as I was saying....perhaps later tonight after the show we could get together and...."

(He is interrupted by the child again. This time he is grabbing one of the presents and shaking it about a lot, making a lot of noise)

HELLINGS-
"I told you to put that down!"

MATT LEBLANC-
"I thought you told me to put on some tinsel?"

HELLINGS-
"Not you!"

(The kid continues to play with the present)

HELLINGS-
"I said put it down!"

MATT LEBLANC-
"You just said not to!"

HELLINGS-
"Not you, you!"

(The camera pans over to show one of the extras.)

Man-
"What do you want?"

HELLINGS-
"What?"

Man-
"You just called my name, Hugh."

HELLINGS-
"No, not Hugh, you!"

MATT LEBLANC-
"Fine! Then you decorate the tree!"

HELLINGS-
"Not Hugh, not Matt, but you!"

(He says, pointing to the kid)

MATT LEBLANC-
"I'm lost."

HUGH--
"Have you tried Hare Krishna?"

HELLINGS-
"Honestly, it's not that hard to understand people."

HUGH--
"Well, it wouldn't be if you enunciated."

HELLINGS-
"Not the time Hugh!"

MATT LEBLANC-
"Eight thirty."

HELLINGS-
"No! Not got the time, NOT the time!"

HUGH--
"I heard you say got, not not."

HELLINGS-
"Shut up Hugh!"

MATT LEBLANC-
"Why? What did I say?"

HELLINGS-
"Not you! Hugh: shut up! Kid: go to hell! LeBlanc: stop confusing me!"

MATT LEBLANC-
"What?"

HELLINGS-
"Stop it Matt! Just stop everything!"

(Matt Damon walks out of the kitchen)

MATT DAMON-
"What's wrong? You don't want me to cook you the turkey?"

HELLINGS-
"Not you Damon!"

MATT DAMON-
"Fine. If anyone needs me, I'll be cooking dinner."

MATT LEBLANC-
"I thought Scott just said to stop it."

MATT DAMON-
"Oh. Did you?"

HELLINGS-
"No! Get back in there!"

(The Boy grabs Damon and throws him through the kitchen door.)

WOMAN-
"I can't take it anymore, I'm leaving!"

HELLINGS-
"No!"

(As the woman walks off, Scott grabs the present from the kid and tosses it into the fireplace. The toss knocks one of the logs out and starts a small fire on the carpet. Matt Damon comes out of the kitchen again, carrying a plate.)

HELLINGS-(calling after the woman)
"Come back!"

MATT LEBLANC-
"Uh Scott, there's a fire."

MATT DAMON-
"Not that you deserve it now, but I made cookies!"

HELLINGS-
"Wait a minute! There's cookies?"

HUGH--
"I love cookies!"

HELLINGS-
"Shut up Hugh!"

(Mountie Bob grabs Hugh and tosses him out the door)

MATT LEBLANC-
"Scott! Fire!"

(The Boy spins around)

HELLINGS-
"Bob, take care of that! Matt, help me out with my book! We have to rescue them!"

(LeBlanc starts rummaging through he prop giftboxes, amongst all the copies of The Boy's new book)

MATT LEBLANC-
"Okay, but which one is your book?"

(The Boy smacks him upside the head again)

MATT LEBLANC-
"STOP DOING THAT!"

HELLINGS-
"GET SMARTER!"

(The scene fades out and heads to commercial. When we return, everyone is sitting down to Christmas dinner, as Matt Damon carves the now-burnt turkey.)

HELLINGS-
"Welcome back everyone. We're just about sit down to dinner...I guess. Damon, you should never be allowed to cook ever again."

MATT DAMON-
"Hey, shut up man. I did my best."

HELLINGS-
"Well your best isn't good enough. But me? Well, I am The Boy and that means I'm THE Best!"

MATT LEBLANC-
"You were dropped on your head as a child, weren't you?"

(The Boy pretends to laugh and then picks up a dinner roll and whips it at LeBlanc's head.)

KID-
"Can I go home yet?"

HELLINGS-
"No, no you cannot. I paid you to be here for one hour and, dammit, you're gonna stay here for the whole hour!"

KID-
"I wanna go home."

HELLINGS-
"You can't."

KID-
"Aren't there child labour laws?"

HELLINGS-
"I dunno, after the show you can call your lawyer, alright?"

KID-
"I hate you."

HELLINGS-
"Believe me, I hate you more."

KID-
"I hate you more."

HELLINGS-
"No, I hate you more."

KID-
"Do not."

HELLINGS-
"Do too."

KID-
"DO NOT!"

HELLINGS-
"DO TOO!"

KID-
"Do not, times ten!"

HELLINGS-
"Do not, times infinity!"

KID-
"Do not, times infinity, plus one!"

HELLINGS-
"You can't do that!"

MATT DAMON-
"No I believe he can."

HELLINGS-
"Shut up Damon!"

MATT DAMON-
"Hey back off! You been riding my back since I got here!"

HELLINGS-
"Maybe that's because I'm stuck with a second-rate movie star like you on my show! A true celebrity like me deserves to be with people of his own kind!"

MATT DAMON-
"Hey, I'm not second-rate anything! Good Will Hunting? That was all me pal! Have you ever been nominated for an Oscar, huh?"

HELLINGS-
"No, but that's only because the WPW Board of Directors have yet to find the proper vehicle for me. Trust me, when they find the right role for me, my face will be all over Hollywood! I'll win so many damn Oscars they'll change the name to Scotts!"

MATT LEBLANC-
"What? How can you tell that little golden dude is Scottish?"

HELLINGS-
"As soon as I get a hold of another blunt object, consider it thrown at you."

MATT LEBLANC-
"You know what? You're...you're... you're just not nice!"

HELLINGS-
"Sue me."

MATT DAMON-
"You're crazy! You couldn't win an Oscar! You couldn't win a Golden Globe! You couldn't even win a, uh...do you have some sort of Canadian movie award?"

MOUNTIE BOB-
"They're called Geminis."

MATT DAMON-
"Thanks Bob. Yeah, well, you couldn't even win a stinkin' Gemini!"

HELLINGS-
"No way! I succeed at anything I ever attempt! Believe me, they may call me The Boy, but there is no doubt that I am The Man! Here, let me read you an excerpt from my book..."

(The Boy pulls out a paperback copy of his book from his back pocket)

MATT LEBLANC-
"Wait, you carry a copy of your book with you in your pocket?"

HELLINGS-
"At times like this it doesn't seem so odd, does it?"

MATT DAMON-
"Why do insist on torturing us all?"

KID-
"That's what I want to know."

HELLINGS-
"Hey! This is my Christmas special dammit, so everyone shut the hell up and be filled with Christmas freakin' cheer, alright?"

KID-
"Right, will do. (Singing) Falalalalayoureallysuck!"

HELLINGS-(Ignoring him and starts to read from his book)
"It was the best of times, it was the worst of times. It was the night of my birth. Stories had been told of a magnificent being to be born that fateful August night. Therefore, three wisemen made their trek to discover the humble beginnings of mankind's greatest gift: me! And lo, a multitude of angels did appear before them...."

MATT DAMON-
"That the Christmas story!"

HELLINGS-
"Wait, are you saying someone plagarized me?"

MATT DAMON-(rolling his eyes)
"Yeah, his name is God."

HELLINGS-(pulls out a notepad and a pen)
"I see....and where can I find this God?"

MOUNTIE BOB-
"You can see him in everything sir."

MATT LEBLANC-
"Really? (Picks up his spoon and stares intently into it.) Are you there God? It's me, Matt. Please take me home."

HELLINGS-
"Hey! No praying! We need this thing to be non-denominational to get past the censors!"

KID-
"You're stupid!"

HELLINGS-
"Am not!"

MATT DAMON-
"Ugh. Not again!"

KID-
"Are too!"

HELLINGS-
"Am not!"

KID-
"Am not!"

HELLINGS-
"Are too!"

KID-
"Exactly!"

HELLINGS-
"Wait, crap! Hold on! (Tries to think through what just happened)

MATT LEBLANC-(Laughing)
"Serves you right for hitting me all those times!"

HELLINGS-
"Yeah? Come over here and say that!"

(Everyone gets up from the table and begins arguing with each other. Things look like they are about to get really ugly, when recording star John Mayer walks in, guitar in hand.)

JOHN MAYER-
"Hey there everyone! Looks like I got here just in time! I'm here to spread some holiday spirit, so sit down and relax!"

(He begins to play a rendition of the famous Grinch song)

JOHN MAYER-
"You're a mean one, Mr. Hellings! You really are a heel!"

HELLINGS-
"Well I'm no do-gooder, that's for sure."

JOHN MAYER-
"You're an egomaniac, and a jobber, so I feel! Mr. Hellings!"

HELLINGS-
"Hey! I didn't insult you! Yet."

(Keeps playing, the song continuing. Everyone is laughing at The Boy. Hellings gets up and snatches the guitar from Mayer's hands and then smashes it over his head.)

HELLINGS-
"New rule: nobody is allowed to make fun of me for the rest of the night."

MATT LEBLANC-
"Are you allowed to make fun of us though? Or, more importantly, hit us?"

HELLINGS-
"Don't tempt me."

MATT LEBLANC-
"Aw man! This sucks! I hate getting told what to do! I thought communism was dead!"

HELLINGS-
"Workers unite, Comrade LeBlanc."

MATT LEBLANC-
"Aw, man! I knew I should have went on Whoopi Goldberg's Christmas special instead!"

MATT DAMON-
"No, trust me. You're better off this way. (Begins to serve the turkey) Who wants dark meat or...uh, darker meat?"

(The scene heads to commercial break one final time, fading to black. Upon returning, we see everyone sitting together in the living room together. They are all sitting around the tree, as The Boy enters with a big sack filled with presents.)

HELLINGS-
"Hey everyone! I got you all presents!"

(Everyone gets real excited and then begins to unwrap their presents. Everyone gets a copy of The Boy's new book. Most look unimpressed.)

MATT LEBLANC-
"Ah, gee. You got me a copy of your book Scott. You cheap bastard!"

HELLINGS-
"It's not about monetary value Matt, it's the thought that counts. Besides, you are holding what is quite possibly the greatest piece of writing ever! Forget The Bible! Screw Shakespeare! The only book that matters is mine! And of course it's great, after all, it came from my mind. No one can even come within 1/27 of my greatness! I know it, you know it, the whole damn world knows it!"

MATT DAMON-
"I didn't know that. Did you actually work that out mathematically? You know, in my film Good Will Hunting I played a guy who was quite good at mathematics. In fact, because of that role I..."

(The Boy suddenly hits Damon in the head with a steel chair. Damon is down and out.)

MATT LEBLANC-
"What the hell did you do that for?"

HELLINGS-
"I've hated that guy since he got here. Besides, he burnt the turkey."

KID-
"Gee, too bad you didn't choke and die on it."

HELLINGS-
"That's it!"

MATT LEBLANC-
"Hey settle down!"

HELLINGS-
"Shut up LeBlanc! This is between me and the kid!"

MATT LEBLANC-
"Hey man, just calm down, okay?"

HELLINGS-
"You're right. I know what will ease the tension: I'll read from my new book, available in fine bookstores everywhere."

KID-
"Do you ever shut up?"

HELLINGS-
"You're just jealous of me, I know. And hey, if I were you, I'd want to be me too. Now listen up monkeys, I'm gonna read from my book!"

(Everyone groans as The Boy clears his throat. The impending tension is broken by a sound on the roof).

MATT LEBLANC-
"Goody! Santa's here!"

KID-
"Maybe he can let me ride on his sleigh and get me outta here!"

(A man dressed as Santa Claus slides down the chimney and crashes into the living room set. He gets up and brushes himself off)

SANTA-
"Ho ho ho! Merry Christmas!"

HELLINGS-
"Hey, shouldn't you only be here if we were sleeping? I thought that was the deal! (Begins singing, really off-key) He knows if you are sleeping/he knows when you're awake. He knows if you've been bad or good, so be good for goodness sake!"

SANTA-
"Do you want the goddamn presents or not?"

HELLINGS-
"Fine."

(Santa hands The Boy a present, then begins to hand out the gifts to everyone else. The Boy tears open his package to reveal a replica of the WPW Championship)

MATT LEBLANC-
"You got a belt?"

HELLINGS-
"I sure did! I wanted to get used to lugging around all the leather and gold on this belt for when I eventually win the real thing. And, believe me, it's just a matter of time before I climb atop the WPW rankings! The Board of Directors are watching this show right now and I know they realize just how great I am and will soon give me the title shot I so rightly deserve!"

MATT LEBLANC-
"You don't deserve a title shot man. You haven't wrestled in months! There's like twenty guys ahead of you in line for one!"

HELLINGS-
"Take that back!"

MATT LEBLANC-
"No way! You've been smacking me in the head all day! And it really hurts!"

HELLINGS-
"You know why? Because (Rings a bell.) every time you hear a bell ring, an angel makes me hit you for being stupid!"

(He smacks LeBlanc again. LeBlanc pushes The Boy)

KID-
"I hate you Santa! You're not real! I believed in you!"

(The Kid stamps on Santa's foot and finally storms off)

SANTA-
"Ho ho ho! Hey now, let's all settle down here! You wouldn't want to get a lump of coal next year, would you?"

HUGH-
"Why? What did I do?"

SANTA-
"What?"

HUGH-
"You said my name."

HELLINGS-
"How the HELLings did he get back in here? Bob?"

MOUNTIE BOB-
"No idea sir."

HELLINGS-
"Whatever. I've had it with you Hugh!"

(The Boy turns around and decks Hugh, who goes down. LeBlanc then jumps on The Boy's back, only to be tossed off. The Boy grabs LeBlanc and delivers The Highway to HELLings, through a table. Everyone starts to brawl now, including Santa. The words "Happy Holidays from The Boy" are superimposed on the screen. The scene then fades to show various WPW superstars and personalities singing "We Wish You a Merry Christmas." The scene then cuts back to the mayhem at The Boy's party one last time, where Yao Ming is back and beating on The Boy. Information on where to purchase The Boy's book is then displayed on screen, before finally fading to black)

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