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ewa:
NOW ON THE RADIO: THE WAR OF THE WORDS?
Yup, this is a real radio station in Phoenix, a real show on that station, and the real host. Thanks Google for making this a bit more realistic. I liked this interview, I really did. I thought it worked well enough to get my points across, but what I really liked about it is that, while it has an element of kayfabe in it, it still sounds like an actual interview a wrestler might do for a radio show. What do I mean? Although The Boy stays in character, he's nowhere near as cocky as he normally is; he's somewhat subdued. I also enjoy the fact that this interview would have made for some solid promotion of Implosion. It didn't do much to help establish the character per se, but it did help me address my main target for that week, Jessie Devlin. I remember being surprised at how long it was though. There's not a lot of great lines in here like in some roleplays, but it was overall fairly solid. I was satisfied and I still think it's good.
(The scene opens up inside local sports talk radio station, KDUS, in Phoenix, Arizona. Sitting in the studio with on-air personality Bob Kemp is none other than Scott "The Boy" Hellings. Interested in his own self-promotion, he is wearing his own black t-shirt that reads "The Canadian Legend.")
BOB KEMP-
"Hello everyone and welcome to the Sportszone, I'm Bob Kemp. Today on the show we have a special guest, none other than pro wrestler Scott 'The Boy' Hellings, of Explosive Wrestling Action. Hellings is here to talk to us about EWA and his big match on this week's edition of Implosion, which emanates right here from Phoenix in the aptly named Implosion arena. How are you doing, Scott?"
HELLINGS-
"Well, as always, I'm doing just great Bob. And why not? After all, pretty soon I'm going to once again have a shiny new championship belt to wear around my waist. And, you're gonna have to trust me on this one Bobby, but there is nothing better in this world than beating an opponent in a ring and getting to walk away with a championship. So I'm just doing fine and dandy, thanks for asking. But I want to correct you on one little thing though...I'm not here just to talk about my match and EWA. I'm here because, as you may have heard, I am kicking off my very own worldwide publicity tour to get my name out there and to help my establish the kind of celebrity status that someone of my stature deserves. And I'm proud to say that the tour kicks off right here, right now. So consider yourself very honoured Bob."
BOB KEMP-
"Well I do, thank you very much. I must admit that I had no idea."
HELLINGS-
"Well I figured I'd keep it under wraps because I assumed that if I let the cat out of the bag that a whole mob of people would come down here looking for my autograph or something. And I just didn't want to inconvenience the fine folks here at KDUS."
BOB KEMP-
"Well that's very thoughtful of you. Now tell me, you are going to be on this week's edition of Tuesday Implosion, in your very first match for EWA. It is a triple threat match with someone by the name of Lamb of God and a woman named Jessie Devlin. Now I have to ask you, do you need to approach wrestling a woman any differently than a man?"
HELLINGS-
"Not at all. In my eyes all people are equal in the sense that they no matter who they are, no matter what they are, they're going to lose once they step into that ring with The Boy. So it doesn't matter that she's a woman because it makes no difference to me. They want me to beat a man? I'll do it. They want me to beat a woman? I'll do it. They want me to beat a midget? That's fine too. Heck, they want to beat a rabbi and I'll do it. I just go down to that ring and face whoever the Suits have put in there as my opponent. They make the decisions, not me. But it really doesn't matter who it is because there is simply no one better than me. I know it, you know it, the whole d**n world knows it! It's like you can be the best d**n high school basketball player in the country, but once you go play a Michael Jordan or a LeBron James 1-on-1 you're really no better off than anybody else because you're still going to lose the game nine times out of ten."
BOB KEMP-
"But it's that tenth time you have to be worried about, isn't you?"
HELLINGS-
"Who, me? Of course not! I always win! Betting on me is easy money because it's a lock! And no one in EWA looks good enough to beat me either. I've already beaten the best and now it looks like I'm here to beat...well, the rest. Jessie Devlin, what has she done? She's had one match, big deal!"
BOB KEMP-
"She won that match though, didn't she?"
HELLINGS-
"Yeah, she's real proud of that too. She likes to brag a lot about that so-called big victory of hers. The fact remains is that she had to have two of her little friends to help her get the job done. And, besides, I know the guy they beat, Golgotha? He is real big and all, but I've seen him around. Trust me, this guy is the most immobile man I've ever seen. So three people beating him up is hardly a feat, you know? So she got that one win under her belt, big deal! But this week will be different because she won't be facing someone as useless as Golgotha and she won't have her friends to hold her hand the whole way through."
BOB KEMP-
"But I think you're forgetting that you have two opponents this week...don't you?"
HELLINGS-
"I think we've all forgotten that. Has anyone seen or heard from the guy? Maybe someone should go around Phoenix and put his mug on milk cartons or something."
BOB KEMP-
"You're referring to your other opponent, Lamb of God, not speaking out on the match?"
HELLINGS-
"What can I say? Loggy must be scared."
BOB KEMP-
"Loggy?"
HELLINGS-
"I refuse to call him Lamb of God because I think it's a dumb name. So I shorten it to the acronym Log. I think it suits him."
BOB KEMP-
"Well I know that Jessie Devlin would argue that The Boy is a silly moniker to choose."
HELLINGS-
"Well I realize that it is a strange name, but it does have a history behind it. Of course, if she could manage to keep her mouth for two minutes she might have time to stop by the EWA website and read up on it. But, truthfully, I don't care what she thinks about me anyway."
BOB KEMP-
"I'd like to get back to that in a minute, but first, would you mind explaining the history of the name for our listeners who might not otherwise check out the EWA website?"
HELLINGS-
"Well I suppose so, but next time you better make sure you've done your own homework Bob."
BOB KEMP-
"I have, but I just think it's an interesting story and I want you to share it."
HELLINGS-
"Okay, fine. Basically the story is that I was training in the infamous Hart Dungeon. At the time I was the youngest student there, being like 14 or something, I don't really remember."
BOB KEMP-
"You don't remember how old you were?"
HELLINGS-
"What can I say? In this industry you tend to take a lot of head trauma. The memory gets a little cloudy sometimes. Anyway, the guys there really ragged on me a lot, mocking me for being so young. Also, a lot of the guys there had some previous training and I had none. So, suffice to say, they were much better than I was. In fact, I was awful. Hard to believe now, huh? So they would mockingly refer to me as The Boy. You know, as in 'a boy in a man's world' kinda thing. Well I didn't really appreciate that, so I trained real hard and worked my butt off until I became the top student there. In fact, I could beat anyone they threw at me.
So even though everyone started making the obvious comment that 'The Boy had become The Man' I refused to let them call me anything but The Boy. Because I wanted to remind them of how they doubted me. I always knew I would be great; it was just a matter of time. And that's why I still go by that name today, as a subtle reminder to everyone that I am every bit as good as I say I am and doubting that assertion will only result in defeat and humiliation."
BOB KEMP-
"Well I know of at least one person out there who would disagree with you and that's Jessie Devlin. Moments ago you said you really don't care what she says about you. Why is that?"
HELLINGS-
"Well these days I just don't bother listening to what anyone has to say about me. You know why? People simply don't understand perfection. They just simply can't wrap their little minds around concepts that are above them. And the idea of someone who is as great as me must be hard to fathom for, well...just about anyone really. Perfection is a hard thing to attain, but somehow I've seemingly managed to corner the market. I mean, it used to be that anyone who thought that the earth was round was considered crazy; people didn't understand because some people are simply visionaries operating on a different plane than the rest of us. Einstein was like that and so was Da Vinci - they were ahead of their time. And that's exactly what's going on here."
BOB KEMP-
"Well I heard what she had to say when I was prepping for this interview and it turns out she's not a really a fan of yours."
HELLINGS-
"Yeah, I heard everything she had to say too."
BOB KEMP-
"Care to comment? Perhaps a rebuttal?"
HELLINGS-
"Well she seemed to go on and on about the difference between me being a man and her being a woman, which is a tirade that sounds to me like it might be better appreciated on the cliche standup comedy routine circuit. Look, she can go on and on about equality and how great all her little gal pals are and the differences between men and women, but the truth is no one cares. No one cares at all. Now I'm going to take the high road here and I'm not going to resort to turning this into a petty war of the sexes because I like to think we're all a little bit above that. After all, we're not in grade seven anymore.
Besides, what is the deal with that anyway? I was under the impression that these days the general consensus was that women had the right to do whatever they wanted. And certainly EWA seems to uphold that ideal. After all, if no one believed that a woman could hold her own in the world of wrestling, why does EWA have so many so-called divas under contract? I'd like to think that if no one believed they were capable of going toe-to-toe in that ring then they would never have been offered a contract. And if that were the case then I suppose Jess could go ahead and run her mouth about inequality and oppression. Look, simply put that whole 'I am woman, hear me roar' stuff only works when people think women are somehow beneath men and that doesn't seem to be going on here."
BOB KEMP-
"Wait a minute, I'm confused. Didn't you say, or at least imply, earlier that she was beneath you?"
HELLINGS-
"Yeah but that has nothing to do with her being a woman. I'm just better than everyone, no matter who they are. After all, I am The Boy and that means I am The Best! Hey, I consider Jess to be on the same level as everyone else around EWA...but not me. I'm above everyone else. So it has nothing to do with her being a woman at all. But, if you ask me, that gal has a chip on her shoulder. For what reason we may never know. What I found interesting is that SHE is the one who seems to think that women are beneath men because she said, and I quote, (making quotation marks with his fingers) 'when I shame them into being beaten by a woman.' Who said they would be ashamed of that? Not me. I'll be honest with you Bob, I've been beat in the ring by women before, women who were heck of a lot more talented than Jessie."
BOB KEMP-
"So why do you think she says the things that she does?"
HELLINGS-
"I don't know. She is a pretty complicated lady, isn't she? Best I can come up with is (A) she either met up with Doc Brown and transported back into time to 1952, saw the type of oppression women of that era had to put up with and has now come back to the present day to ensure that never happens again. Or (B) she has a loser boyfriend who is a real chauvinist and this is her way of working out all her frustrations. Or (C) this is some sort of meager attempt at a gameplan.
It's as though she wants me to get engaged in this Battle of the Sexes she seems determined to initiate. I bet she's hoping that she'll rile me up by talking about how great women are and how dumb men are or something stupid like that, and It'll get me so worked up that I'll lose my concentration or something. But it isn't going to happen."
BOB KEMP-
"Why not?"
HELLINGS-
"Because I don't play by anyone's rule but my own. Heck, I wasn't even going to acknowledge her little rant at all, but you asked me about it and some here we are. I mean she certainly went on and on, didn't she? And there was a lot there she didn't seem to comprehend, but I won't get into that because it's not worth my time. I tell ya, I'll be happy once Tuesday is over so I can just move on and never have to think about her again. So the last thing I'll say on the matter is go ahead and talk Jess...but no one's really listening.
Because why bother listening to what a mid-carder-at-best has to say when you can listen to someone truly great such as myself? Not only am I the next International Champion, but I'll also soon be the World Champ too. Believe me, it's on the horizon. Pretty soon, Jessie Devlin, Loggy, and everyone else in EWA will learn that when I set my sights on something NOTHING will stop me! I've said it all along, but I am The Marquee Player, the Franchise Saviour and The Number One Money Maker! And soon rather than later, that will be firmly set in stone."
BOB KEMP-
"So are you going on the record and guaranteeing a win here?"
HELLINGS-
"Look, if, somehow the stars are misaligned, or there's a full moon, or someone's practicing voodoo on me or I'm cursed or WHATEVER else...and I actually lose this match? That's fine, really. And, believe me, that's the only way Devlin or Loggy are walking out of this thing with a win-cosmic imbalances, black magic, hexes...something like that. But, IF that does indeed happen then I'll be perfectly honest with you and let you know that I'm totally okay with it. You know why? Because that will allow me to go on to bigger and better things, such as the World Title. Y'know, the types of accolades that I so rightfully deserve. So if I lost the match, then I wouldn't have to worry about the inevitable victory in the International Title match and then being saddled with defending the damn belt.
The International Title is, honestly, a second-rate title for second-rate wrestlers. And, as we all know, I am the One and Only UBERstar so that really doesn't apply to me. Although you mark my words, having someone like me holding that title would make it much more prestigious. Trust me on that one. So no, I don't care if I lose, I'm not going to lose sleep over it or anything because, as The Boy Scouts out there know, I deserve better. But Devlin or Loggy? Well you know what? The International Title is as great an accomplishment as they could ever hope to achieve. So a loss for them will be quite devastating. Which is why I'm restarting an old campaign I once had, a campaign designed to help people like Devlin and Loggy."
BOB KEMP-
"What is that?"
HELLINGS-
"It's my Red and White Ribbon Campaign."
BOB KEMP-
"What on earth is that?"
HELLINGS-
"It's a campaign I've spearheaded for all those unfortunate souls who have to lose to me. I know how this goes, I've seen it plenty of times too; some upstart wrestler thinks they're going to go on and make a name for themselves in this industry. But then they have to step into the ring with me and I shatter the dreams. I know it's not nice, but that is what I do-crush dreams. It's not my fault; I can't help being so darn good. I look at it as a service I provide for wrestling fans everywhere, being able to filter out all the inept wrestlers and leaving only the truly great ones such as myself. But, I can't help but feel a little tug on the ol' heartstrings for some of these poor kids and that is why I started the campaign. Every dollar raised by the sale of the ribbons-which will be on sale at all EWA events by the way-will go towards helping those who have suffered the pain of defeat at the hands of The Boy. Just something to help them get back on their feet, you know?
Because, after I destroy them in the ring, wrestling isn't usually a career option for them anymore. I mean, who wants to book someone who is that bad? And, if I could get a cheap plug in here, I would appreciate it if all the fans that come out to Implosion this week bought a ribbon or two because we could really use it. Believe me, there are a LOT of people out there that I've beaten, so the need is definitely there. And after this Tuesday, you can expect to add another two names to that ever-growing list."
BOB KEMP-
"Well we're just about out of time here. Any final thoughts?"
HELLINGS-
"I've got one thing to say Loggy or Jess: res ipa loquitur. It is a Latin phrase that means 'the thing speaks for itself.' I like to live my life by that phrase. If you want, the two of you can believe that you can beat me, but at Implosion my actions will do all the talking for me. Simply put, my ability will speak for itself and you will find out that there is no way either one of you is walking out of there as the winner. I've got a couple of ribbons reserved for the two of you and I'm confident you'll be receiving them Wednesday morning. All you need to know is that I WILL become the International Champion. Why? Because I want to, because I can!"
BOB KEMP-
"Thanks for stopping by Scott. Will you come back soon?"
HELLINGS-
"I'd love to."
(As Bob Kemp heads to commercial break, The Boy gets up and walks out of the studio, as the scene fades to black).
  
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