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ewa: TRIPLE THREAT? NO SWEAT!


I'll always remember this one because it resulted in a couple of rebuttal roleplays from Jessie Devlin where she kept referring to me over and over as Dr. Doolittle and how much I loved snakes, even though this is only the roleplay that even mentioned snakes and it was only briefly. I never understood that. Truthfully, I thought it was dumb and just plain annoying. I mean, did you even read my roleplays? It honestly felt they were just skimmed and I find that insulting. A similar sort of thing happened in NEW with Creature. But, hey, at least she lit a fire under me, right? And, coming out of the gate, without having been in efedding for a while, that's a GREAT thing. Anyway...the roleplay itself was another one that had a solid idea behind it (calling the match a "triple threat" is incorrect because The Boy believes the only real threat is himself) and relating it to animals, but I just couldn't quite get it to where I wanted. Somehow I felt that something was missing. Still, for only my second roleplay in EWA (and the only the second I had written in months) it was adequate.

(The scene opens up inside the reptile exhibit in the Phoenix Zoo near Papago Park in Phoenix, Arizona. We see Scott "The Boy" Hellings standing by the rattlesnakes, a smirk on his face, as usual. He is dressed in something similar to what a tourist might wear and has a camera around his neck.)

HELLINGS-
"Rattlesnakes sure are interesting creatures, aren't they? When they get frightened or intimidated they shake that little rattle of theirs, letting whatever is in the way to back off. Sort of an early warning system I guess. Animals act in all sorts of different ways when they are threatened. It's all about defense mechanisms, like camouflage colouring or just being poisonous. Whatever works I guess. Heck, I'm sure you could walk up and down this zoo and find dozens of different ways in which animals deal with being threatened."

(The Boy pauses to take a photo of the snake).

HELLINGS-
"Humans are a little different though, aren't they? We all have our own ways of dealing with adversity, fear and intimidation. Often though we act just plain irrationally. Me? Well I can't really say. See I've never been threatened because I know there's no one out there than can take me out. I know it, you know it, the whole damn world knows it! That's why I find branding my debut match in EWA as a (making quotation marks with his fingers) 'Triple Threat' match a little bit misleading; there are not THREE different threats in this match. There is just one and his name is Scott Hellings. Jessie Devlin and Lamb of God are hardly threatening to me because I know that I can beat them. And I will too.

You see, you just can't feel threatened when you're at the top of the food chain and that is clearly where I'm sitting. It's as though I'm more evolved than they are, with me being a fully evolved human and everyone else stuck being a lowly monkey. That's what I love about zoos; you get to really feel a sense of domination over the animal kingdom. We capture them and put them in cages for our own amusement and they can't do a damn thing about it. Heck, they have to rely on US to feed them and take care of them. That's just natural selection folks-the strong survive-and just like humans always win the battle, so will I at Implosion. Because Devlin and Lamb of God are stuck there in their little cages, looking out at my world and knowing they can't touch me. Triple Threat? Hardly! But as all my fans, all The Boy Scouts out there can attest to, all this means is that my opponents are TWICE as pathetic as usual because there are two of 'em!"

(The Boy taps on the glass to irritate the snake, much to his amusement.)

HELLINGS-
"Am I getting ahead of myself? Perhaps, but should I really fear Jessie Devlin? Of course not! Now before all those women's lib types jump down my throat or my opponents go spreading vicious rumours about me being a chauvinist, let me clear the air-I do believe in equal rights. Now I've had to say this many times before, but let me reiterate once again that I believe that men and women have the same rights...the right to lose to me in the ring! Men, women, children, the geriatric, they ALL have the right to lose to me! Just let them get in the ring with me and I'll be sure to grant them their wish to be on equal footing with everyone else. Now I don't know why you would WANT to aspire to be subpar at best, but that's just how some people think. Not me though, I set the bar a little higher than that. You see I aspire for greater things because I know I can achieve my goals. After all, I am The Boy and that does mean I am The Best! So what are you going to do about it Jessie?

Sure, you beat the Jolly Green Giant's long-lost cousin Golgotha, but you needed two of your friends to help you do it. So I guess the thus far unanswered question is 'can you get the job done by yourself in the ring?' Well don't worry folks because the suspense won't last much longer; I'm going to answer that question for everyone at Implosion and when all is said and done the answer will be a resounding 'no.' Don't worry though Jess, I'm sure you and your gal pals can always travel from town to town, following the circus to do what you folks do best-challenge every strongman, Bearded Lady and every other freak under the big top! That I know you are capable of, but the fact remains that you're just not cut out to be in the same ring as me."

(The Boy stops suddenly and looks at his hand and holds first one finger, and then a second.)

HELLINGS-
"Oh that's right-I will have to face TWO opponents, won't I? Maybe I shouldn't jump to conclusions so suddenly, right? I mean, I will have to take on Lamb of God too and he might prove to be a formidable opponent, he might present a real challenge. Of course, I live by a different standard than everyone else so for me a 'challenge' means I might come close to breakin' a sweat. Let me ask you, why should I fear Lamb of God? Why should I fear a Jesus freak? Because that's what Lamb of God refers to, y'know. It means Jesus. Betcha some of the ignorant folks out there had no idea, did they? Ignorance may be bliss for some, but I prefer to be informed. I wonder if Lamb of God himself even knows what it means. Probably not though. He probably just thought it sounded cool. But I swear to you, it does in fact refer to Jesus. I looked it up! Ever hear of the mass known as Gloria in Excelsis? It says, and I quote, 'Lord Jesus Christ, only begotten Son, Lord God, LAMB OF GOD, Son of the Father, You take away the sins of the world.' True story. So why should I fear him? You know, because 'yea though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death' I shall not fear him. After all, we all know that I am the one and only UBERstar, as well as being The Canadian Legend!

And Lamb of God? Well he is just...some wannabe standing in my way. Listen up Lamb of God...wait a minute. You know what? I hate that name so much that from now on I'm just gonna shorten into the acronym LOG. So Loggy? You better hope that you do indeed have Jesus or some other holy entity in that back pocket of yours. Because, believe me, it WILL take a miracle for you to beat me. Divine Intervention, an Act of God-that's the only way you'll actually beat me. That title is as good as mine and not you or Jessie Devlin or anyone else in this tournament is going to get in my way. You don't have to like it, but you better begin to accept it."

(The Boy begins to walk away and then looks over his shoulder to speak one last time).

HELLINGS-
Hellings- "Triple THREAT? The only ones who should fee threatened are my opponents because I might just destroy both of them. Why? Because I want to, because I can!"

(The Boy walks off out of the shot. The camera then turns around to show the rattlesnake one last time, as it strikes out at the glass before finally fading to black.)

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