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ewa: I'D LIKE TO SOLVE THE PUZZLE?
W-I-N-N-E-R


Once again, I love one of my titles. Perfect. Anyway, this one was the only roleplay I posted for Double Ladder Mayhem at Squared Circle Mania. The main reason I didn't try harder was because I had requested that I lose the match. Basically, I didn't want either title, and was more concerned about finding someone to feud with (more on this in the next roleplay's introduction). What I did post was decent though. I like the idea of the game show seeting and it worked well for getting my points across. I think at the beginning things got a little muddled here, as I started the roleplay one day, was busy for the next few days, and then had to finish it in a hurry. Thus, the writing process was disjointed and so the roleplay reflects that somewhat. Still, it's not bad.

(The scene opens up on what appears to be the set of some swanky game show. We see Scott "The Boy" Hellings walk onto the set, as canned applause is piped in. The Boy acknowledges the "crowd" and stands behind a podium. He has a set of index cards in his hands and, dressed in a suit, looks as though he is the host of this fake game show.)

HELLINGS-
"Welcome all. It's time to play our game. And remember, you're going to have to make a difficult choice at the end of it all here tonight. You're going to have to choose between Door Number One, Door Number Two and Door Number Three"

(The camera cuts to show three numbered doors off to the side and then cuts back on a close-up of The Boy).

HELLINGS-
"Behind two of the doors is the fame and success you've always desired. Behind the other is pain, misery, failure, and the worst beating of your life. Choose incorrectly and your body will be broken and your ego bruised. You have a 50-50 chance and that's it. Of course, this isn't about skill or knowledge. Nothing you've ever learned in school or read in books will help you figure this one out; there's no mathematical formula to arrive at the solution! There's no method to the madness, no reasoning as to what is behind which door. It all comes down to blind dumb luck. And that's appropriate, isn't it? Because at Squared Circle Mania, much the same could be said for my match, Double Ladder Mayhem. Oh sure, you'll need some skill; you'll need to rely on your talent a little bit. But with five opponents and two rings, it's not necessarily a given that the best man will walk out with a title. A match like this also involves some strategy and, yes, a whole lot of luck. Even though I am, arguably, the best person in this match, I could theoretically get screwed out of this one somehow. Two people decide to double team me-you know considering I'm the biggest threat in the match and all-and they're so distracted that someone's allowed to go ahead and pick up a win. It could happen. Am I angry? Of course not! I know I am good enough to win this thing! Am I worried? Not at all. Even if I lose and don't win either title, I know that I'll just win it eventually. Maybe I shouldn't even worry myself about winning this thing, and instead should focus on just eliminating potential future competitors.

You know what? I'll just play it by ear. I'll make my choice and I'll live with it. But, even though this match is a bit of a crapshoot, I'm still feeling mighty confident about now. Yes, although anything can and probably will happen in this match, at least I'm somewhat prepared. You see I'm expecting the unexpected to occur. And when it does, I'll be able to deal with it. I feel pretty confident that I can hit whatever curveball is thrown at me right out of the park! Although there are five people and two rings to deal with and that can make for a rather chaotic environment, I know that if it comes down to pure skill alone, then I have this one in the bag! Unlike my opponents, I won't need to form alliances; I won't need to rely on luck because I do what I want, when I want. I am just that good. If you don't believe me, order Squared Circle Mania and watch me do what I do best-dominate. So you know what? Forget what I said earlier! It's not about luck! Not entirely anyway. It's about who is the best. We all know that's me. So forget about choosing a door because, the truth is, the choices has already been made for you."

(The Jeopardy theme song begins to play in the background).

HELLINGS-
"You hear that? You know what that says? It says that the clock is ticking and the pressure is on. Legends are made in situations like this. When you're painted into a corner and all you can do is fight, will you grab the glory and the headlines like a hero? Or will you choke under the pressure and fall flat on your face like a loser? Champ or chump, what will it be? You see this isn't like The Price is Right where you get to spin the big wheel again during the Showcase Showdown. This isn't like Who Wants to be a Millionaire where you get to have a bunch of lifelines to help you out. And it's not like Wheel of Fortune where they give you the letters R, S, T, L, N and E on the final puzzle. No, there won't be anyone to hold your hand through this. I'm sorry to say it, but you folks are in this one on your own. And the problem with that is it means you are going to have to somehow go through me to walk away as a champion.

Do you think I'm just going to sit idly by as you go and try to capture the very titles that I so rightfully deserve? Do you think I'm just going to ignore you? Folks, this isn't dress rehearsal it is the real deal. As they say, this one is for all the marbles. And, I don't know about any of you, but I certainly feel up to the task. I guarantee I'll take everything you got and then some! But it really won't matter, because I'm walking out of there as the champion. Which title will I win? Does it matter? Gold belongs around my waist one way or another and that is exactly where it is going to be within a matter of days. You see it doesn't matter which title I win or which show I end up on. No matter where I go I will guarantee that I will be The Marquee Player, The Franchise Saviour and The Number One Money Maker! You don't have to like it, but you're damn sure going to have to accept it. That's just the way things are! Besides, who else deserves to walk out of there with a title? No one! People, I am THE Canadian Legend and The One and Only UBERstar and if anyone deserves to be a champion it is me!"

(A buzzer can be heard).

HELLINGS-
"Oh, I'm sorry. You rang in too soon and now it's going to cost you. Don't you hate it when that happens? When you're watching a game show and some hotshot rings in before the question is finished? I guess they simply think they know everything or that they just got cocky. Well the same could be said for my opponents. Don't be assuming that this is your night or you'll find that you look like a fool. Don't assume you're going to walk away as a champion because you'll just end up disappointed. Me, I can do that sort of thing because I know that I'm 27 times better than all of my opponents combined. I would wonder how such an untalented group of monkeys wormed their way into a main event match like this, but it really isn't surprising. I mean, yes, compared to me everyone is a talentless hack. That's a given! But all you have to do is look around you for your answer. That's right, I'm talking about game shows. In case you haven't noticed before, a lot of the people on game shows are idiots. And there are a lot of game shows out there that don't even require any skill. Have you seen Deal or No Deal? Anyone could compete on that show! And I suppose the same principle holds true here too.

If western society wants to reward inadequacy than I suppose I'm going to have to singlehandidly change that perception. And, mark my words, I will do just that. Once you people see what a winner looks like you won't want to root for the underdog anymore. Why set yourself up for disappointment when you can cheer for a champion? I don't know about you, but I'm tired of seeing D-level celebrities who are famous for just being on some stupid reality show. It's not surprising they are popular though. You people are too dumb to notice that reality shows are just glorified game shows, only featuring people even more pathetic than usual. But you know what's really sad? You people tune in by the millions to see which girl The Bachelor will pick and the truth is you're probably sitting at home, alone, living vicariously through someone else's romantic escapades. It's pathetic. You people want reality? Reality isn't about forming secret alliances, winning immunity from essentially getting fired, or even eating bugs. Reality is much more harsh and less forgiving. On a show like Survivor, the weakest player can go right to the end if they play their cards right and form the right sort of alliances. But that's not what the real world is all about.

In reality, there are people who are on top and they are people who are on the bottom. And in life you get what you deserve; if you're on the bottom it's because you're simply not good enough. You don't get a promotion at work for being second or even third best, do you? If you people want to see what reality is all about, watch Double Ladder Mayhem. It's more than a metaphor, but I'll be literally climbing the ladder to success and my opponents will be floundering around below me."

(The Boy pauses for a moment, as if to imagine his moment of glory.)

HELLINGS-
"If you don't understand what I'm getting at, then let me fill my opponents in on something in a much more succinct fashion: unlike game shows, where they reward you for being incompetent, when you lose at Squared Circle Mania, you won't be given a parting gift. No, you won't be given small tokens from participating sponsors, nor will you receive the home version of the game. You're walking out of there completely empty-handed. Why compensate the inept? Yes, as I said, anything can and probably will happen in this match. And, yes, some of it will come down to blind dumb luck. But you know what? As the saying goes, you gotta be good to be lucky and lucky to be good and we all know that there is no one better than me! It's not cockiness, it's not overconfidence it's just a fact of life! I don't think I've ever been more prepared for a match in my whole career. I know what to expect and what I need to do. And I'm willing to bet than my opponents are not in the same boat."

(The Boy rips up his index cards.)

HELLINGS-
"With all the bodies flying around and everything else, this will certainly be like a two-ring circus, but there's something you have to remember: unlike the circus where the lives of the acrobats are fairly safe, we are going to be operating without a net here folks. When you fall off that ladder, it really hurts. There's no safety gear, it's about laying it all on the line and hoping and praying that you make it out alive. Just remember though, what comes up, must come down. P. T. Barnum, a circus man, said there's a sucker born every minute. And you really are a sucker if you think this match will be a walk in the park. It truly will be the greatest show on earth, but only for two of the six individuals. I'm going to be one of those individuals, leaving the five of you to battle it out for that final spot. But I think you'll be so focused on that, you'll forget about the danger.

You see I don't think my opponents fully comprehend the, pardon the pun, gravity of the situation. There are two rings, two ladders and five opponents you have to worry about it. But what are they all focusing on? The two titles that are going to be up for grabs and their own petty differences and squabbles. It's a case of not being able to see the forest for the trees. I've been in enough ladder matches to know the dangers associated with them. And, make no mistake about it; I'm focused on winning one of those titles. And why not? It's a given! I am The Boy and that does mean I am The Best! But that doesn't mean I'm ignoring the danger. There are three things that are a given in this match: bones will be broken, careers will be shortened, and The Boy will walk out with a title. I know it, you know it, the whole damn world knows it!"

(The Boy checks his watch.)

HELLINGS-
"Well I can see that it's about that time that we met the contestants. And my opponents certainly are an eclectic bunch, aren't they? You have Mike Battise, Big Dave, Sweetheart, Chad and Rob Faith. Some would say that I would have to worry about Dave and Rob, as they definitely seem to have each other's backs. But it is that type of thinking that can only be described as shortsighted. You think those two can really coexist out there? People, there are championships on the line here. Fame, glory, and yes even pride too. You think one will just step aside for the other? You want to know what I think? I think this isn't so much the case of two guys looking out for each other; it's two guys who are actually looking out for number one. Keep your friends close and your enemies closer they say. If you ask me, Rob and Dave won't be able to get along. If you wouldn't be willing to stab your best friend in the back for the World Championship then you don't belong in this business! It's every man for himself out there and no one will understand that better than Big Dave and Rob Faith."

(Canned booing is heard from "the crowd." The Boy rolls his eyes and shrugs it off.)

HELLINGS-
"Yeah, that's right. You heard me! I did say it is every MAN out there for himself. I'm not overlooking Sweetheart by any means. And, I'll say this for about the millionth time in the last month, me not respecting Sweetheart's ability in the ring has NOTHING to do with me being a man and her being a woman. So you can just save yourself the trouble of complaining about not being respected because you're a woman or that losing to you would be embarrassing. I'm tired of that song and dance already. Precious tried to cut that same record last week and look where it got her! I beat her just like I said I would! You want to exact revenge on me for beating Precious? Whatever you say Sweetheart. I'm not sweating you at all. Because you're too busy living out your little soap opera of a life that I really don't think you're going to get in my way. If you were smart, you'd forget about me altogether because, if you've been paying attention, a lot of other folks have learned that I am quite the threat. Jessie Devlin learned that the hard way. She, like Ric Thunder, ran home crying because they knew they couldn't beat me.

Don't believe the garbage they tried to show you last week on Implosion-it was all me. That was just The Suits trying to protect their best interests by pretending it wasn't me. After all, if the higher-ups told all the EWA superstars the truth, well they'd probably run away too. And pretty soon we wouldn't have a company, now would we? It's not personal; it's just protecting your business assets. But that doesn't mean that I don't speak the truth or that I'm any less of a threat. Sweetheart is going to find that out first hand, whether she wants to or not. The fact is she'll probably be too busy fretting herself over her so-called (making quotation marks with his fingers) 'discrimination' or her annoyingly sappy love life that she'll get distracted and lose it all by herself. Sweetheart, Precious, and any other woman in the EWA locker room, listen up: ovaries don't mean you're oppressed. It just means that when I beat you so badly that you have to retire, you can still fall back on being a stay-at-home mom. And that's at least something.

Most of the folks I beat have to rely on my Red and White Ribbon Campaign to get by and cope with their inadequacy, but at least Sweetheart can pump out a few kids to try and fill the void in her life left by a lackluster wrestling career. She can tell her kids bedtime stories about how she was once in a main event with the amazing, awe-inspiring Scott Hellings. Because by the time her kids will be old enough to listen to mommy regale them with stories of their mother's floundering wrestling career, I'll be a mainstream mega-celebrity, thanks to my WorldWide Publicity Tour. Believe it. You know what I find interesting about Sweetheart? Her name. It's ridiculous, isn't it? You know what? We surveyed 100 people about what they felt was the one name in wrestling that struck fear into the hearts of men...and women. Did Sweetheart make the list? Survey says..."

(The Boy looks behind to him, to a board eerily reminiscent of the one seen on Family Feud. A big red flashes across the screen, along with a buzzer noise.)

HELLINGS-
"Oh, whaddya know? No one finds that threatening. For that matter, I'm sure you wouldn't find CHAD's name threatening either. Seriously, CHAD? That's it? CHAD? Is that supposed to stand for something? Can't Honestly Admit Defeat? I hope not. I hope there's something more to you than just an acronym because mnemonic devices are great and all, but they don't win championships. Heck, all they demonstrate is that you're good enough to get it right on your one. Hmm...maybe it is appropriate after all. Seriously, do you think you're a big enough deal to go by just one name? Or were you just a big fan of Madonna and Cher? Sure, I know most people think my name is stupid, but there is a history behind it. And, don't forget, it wasn't a name that I bestowed upon myself; it was GIVEN to me. I just keep it to remind everyone that, just like the people who gave me that name realized, overlooking me is a serious mistake.

Besides, we all know that they may call me The Boy but there is no doubt that I am The Man! You know something? When I think of the name Chad, I don't think of an imposing ring presence, I think of that annoying kid in my ninth grade gym class. You know, the one who couldn't catch a football if his life depended on it? I think everyone's had that kind of kid in a gym class at point in their life. So I suppose it's an appropriate name really because, just like his namesake from my high school days, CHAD is also going to be dropping the ball. I know CHAD likes to think he has this one all wrapped up. And, hey, he could still win ONE of the titles. I mean, I can't possibly win both titles, right? But, CHAD, I'm sorry to tell you this, you don't deserve to be in a match like this. What have you done to earn your way here? So you won a battle royale, big deal. Did you see the caliber of talent, or lack thereof, in that match? Jordan Lindsey was in that match! You can't gloat about winning that one buddy!

That was small potatoes and this is the big time. Quite frankly, I don't think you're ready for it. I don't think you can handle the pressure. And I certainly know that you can't beat me. What's that you say? You don't believe me? That's fine. Your ignorance will be your downfall. I live by the Latin phrase res ipsa loquitor CHAD. It means 'the thing speaks for itself.' That is exactly what I do. We can go back and forth, trash talking each other all day, but in the end it is actions that speak louder than words. And at the pay per view my actions will be speaking so loudly they'll be screaming! And you know what they'll be saying? Winner."

(The Boy cups his hand to his ear, as if to hear the sound.)

HELLINGS-
"As for Mike Battise? I'm not worried about him either. I know that he is focused on CHAD, trying to get exact some sort of revenge on him. His vision is cloudy, his goal is not to win but to destroy. How can he possibly compete against me? Rob Faith? Rob seems to think I have an ego problem and that's okay with me. But I just want to know one thing Rob: are you the kettle or the pot? You seem to think that every woman alive, and yes even some of the dead ones too, are madly in love with you. Got faith you ask? Oh, I have faith Rob. I have faith that this is my match, my moment to shine. I have faith that you'll fall apart in this one, too distracted by the pretty blonde in the front row to achieve your moment of glory. It's just like I told Precious last week that she would have too many distractions and it would cause her downfall and that is exactly what happened. What makes you think you'll be any different?

And, like I said earlier, you also will have to worry about what your so-called friend Big Dave will do to you in there. You guys are supposed to be friends, but there is no such thing as friendship in a match like this. As for me, I know Big Dave isn't a threat. He's too busy filling his body with garbage like McDonald's and not preparing for this match. Keep eating those quarter pounders Dave and you'll become Rotund Dave. Don't you people get it? My competition can't hold a candle to me! You're the green recruit and I'm the freakin' general! And when you're in MY army, I'll put you through your paces and I'll make sure that you go through your own personal hell. I'll see to it that my will be done and that you'll never rise to a ranking that you don't deserve. The cream always rises to the top and the bottom-feeders remain on the bottom where they belong. But look at the bright side of all of this! Look at the big picture: you can still walk away with whatever title I don't want. It won't make you as good as me, but at least you'll be somewhat better than your peers. It doesn't mean much, but it's the best any of you can ever hope for."

(The Boy turns to leave, but stops. He turns back one last time to face the camera, as it closes in on his face.)

HELLINGS-
"It's about skill, luck and who is willing to do what it takes. But it's also about knowing your enemy, respecting the dangers involved and being prepared. None of that will be a problem for me, but I don't think my opponents will fare as well. I am going to win one of those two titles because I deserve to and, equally important, none of you do. Ric Thunder and Jessie Devlin were supposed to be here, but they ran away. They knew they couldn't beat me. What makes any of you think you can? Be prepared to call your loved ones-from the hospital of course-to let them know that you failed. Be prepared to tell them that you lost. Naturally, they won't be surprised. Nor will they need to ask who did win. We all know that it will be The Boy walking away as a champion. Why? Because I want to, because I can!"

(The Boy storms off the set as the scene fades to black.)

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